It's a parent's job to teach their children right and wrong.
Without a doubt, it would be disheartening to witness their child essentially abusing other kids.
But that's something that should be corrected right away, not ignored, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor EnvironmentalBake790 didn't receive the memo when they took their daughter out shopping, because she was upset about the consequences of her own actions.
But when they were called out for rewarding their daughter, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if they were missing something.
They asked the sub:
"AITA for taking my daughter shopping when she was supposed to be punished?"
The OP was impressed by their daughter's math abilities.
"My 14-year-old daughter 'Katie' is very talented at maths. She's already the best at it in her school despite not being in the older years."
"She entered her exams early and scored full marks. She's now studying higher-level maths stuff and her teachers have given her university-level material to get her teeth into."
"It's probably her biggest passion in life."
"Katie also attends a maths club which she enjoys, and she's already the most talented member."
The OP recently had to stop in about some concerning behavior.
"A couple of months ago this new boy joined the club. I'll call him 'Tommy' and she talks about him a lot. She obviously has a crush on him."
"A few weeks back the trainer at the maths club told me that she'd gotten complaints from parents, because some of the other girls has received texts from Katie, demanding they stay away from Tommy and containing a lot of abuse."
"As soon as I found this out I made clear that it was to stop. I even confiscated her phone."
But the behavior didn't stop there.
"Unfortunately, the texts continued as soon as she got her phone back. In fact, they got even more extreme, and as a result, the club decided to exclude Katie today."
"Katie was sobbing in the car, not just because maths is her passion, but also because she thinks she loves this boy and doesn't want to be away from him (he's blocked her on everything due to what's happened)."
"While she obviously hasn't behaved well, it hurt seeing her so upset."
"She loves clothes so I thought I'd treat her to a girly day to cheer her up. We did some shopping and bought her some new dresses, and then I took her to a salon to get her hair done."
"Katie is still pretty down but she enjoyed the day and said it's cheered her up."
The OP's husband was appalled.
"I told my husband what happened and he was livid. He said shopping was the last thing we should have been doing and that I should have brought her home immediately, confiscated her phone, and put her in her room to think about what she's done."
"Look, as awful as what she's done is, she's a teenage girl who's both had her heartbroken and had her biggest passion taken away on the same day. We can think about punishments later on."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP needed to teach Katie a lesson.
"Parents need to teach their girls that they too, can be creeps, and not to be creepy. I had this talk with my oldest when she was 12, and will have the same talk with my youngest."
"YTA. I can't imagine the logic behind taking your child out shopping because they got in trouble at school for harassment."
"Katie needs to be told that she's a creep and to knock it off before the next boy she likes comes along." - fokkoooff
"Mom is a complete AH, her dad wants his daughter punished. Katie never dated this boy, its seems he wasn't ever interested in her, was her heart really broken, her crush might have liked her had she not acted so stalkerish to the other girls. I think this kid needs therapy." - Warm_Kaleidoscope973
"It'd probably be in her best interest to go to juvie, given how much OPs enabling her behavior- maybe some serious consequences will help her screw her head on straight."
"She's old enough that she could be tried as an adult and sent to grown up prison in many jurisdictions. If she keeps this up for a year or two she is absolutely going to end up in grown up prison." - FrightenedFieldMouse
Others agreed and said the OP handled the situation all wrong.
"She went full on reward mode. I'd understand if maybe OP took her out for food or something while she explained to her that the people she'll love won't always love her back and women are always going to talk to men she likes, but the behaviour she showed has real consequences in the grown up world."
"It's a difficult thing to learn and doing it gently and spending the time to do it properly will drive the message home much more effectively than just taking her phone away." - ConsiderationHour824
"Sorry OP, but 'broken-hearted' is what you get when a couple break up, or when your crush rejects you. This should not be treated as broken-hearted territory, because by rights that should have happened some time ago when he first indicated his lack of interest."
"What you have right now, is a girl who doesn't understand the word 'no' or that her crush doesn't owe her reciprocation, and who thinks that she can possess a person and be abusive and threatening to everyone else he interacts with, in order to stake a claim."
"Right up until the club put their foot down, and told her she wasn't welcome any more. That's not broken-hearted; that's 'just realised her actions may have consequences' ...right up until you took her out for a treat to cheer her up, and damaged the lesson she was learning."
"No. This is a time where she needed to sit with her uncomfortable feelings and work through them properly, without you letting her off easily."
"This is a time when your sympathy for her feelings needed to be limited and held alongside the more urgent goal of getting her to develop empathy for her (multiple!) victims and understand (and fully accept) that this is abusive and (where I live) criminal behaviour."
"Also, OP? If you do not make sure your daughter learns the correct lesson now, then if she continues the behaviour into adulthood, it will likely end up in court. And very possibly in jail time." - Normal-Height-8577
Some were also miffed by the OP's writing of the post.
"Notice the language used throughout the post... 'due to what has happened'... 'the girls received texts'... 'the texts continued,' instead of 'Katie did THIS.'"
"OP isn't even holding their daughter accountable in this retelling of events." - electraglideinblue
"OP, she didn't 'get her heart broken.' She got kicked out of the club because she had become a creepy stalker. Reverse the sexes and think about how her behavior would sound."
"Boy oh boy did you handle this disastrously. Make sure she gets help." - Pale_Cranberry1502
"OP YTA."
"'… some of the other girls has received texts from Katie, demanding they stay away from Tommy and containing a lot of abuse.'"
"You're daughter is a series of red flags. Don't treat her for a bad day. Put your foot down and correct the behavior. Be a parent, not her best girlfriend for shopping and makeovers. This isn't the time for that. She's abusive and controlling." - runswithwands
"'... some girls received abusive messages...' No, Katie sent abusive messages to these poor girls. Stop trying to make her out to be victim here, OP."
"'She got her passion taken away!' Actions have consequences. Also, a 14 year old can't possibly think it's ever okay to threaten other people? She should have known that this was going to happen."
"And I totally agree that OP needs to step up as a parent, not reward her daughter for this creepy behaviour. As soon as I read 'the behaviour continued as soon as she got her phone back,' I thought, 'Did you not talk to her about this? did you just take her phone off her a couple of days and expect her to do a 180?'"
"I wonder if this 'not receiving consequences' has been going on for a while and that's why Katie doesn't respect her parents or other people's boundaries."
"She clearly needs therapy, OP, and you might be in need of a parenting class or two. YTA." - faszinating
While the OP was concerned about their daughter's feelings because of her own actions, the subReddit felt their priorities were out of line. Their daughter's behaviors were potentially dangerous, and instead of teaching her more about them, they essentially rewarded and reinforced them.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.