Some parents are always willing and able to help their children out, no matter how old they get.
Paying for their education, and continuing to lend them money on an almost regular basis.
Other parents firmly believe that their children need to learn to make their own way in the world, and never lend them money, even when they're still living in the family house.
Believing that they need to earn their way through life.
Redditor One-Sprinkles3801 was very much in the latter category, resulting in all of their children paying their own way through school.
Acquiring a hefty amount of student debt along the way.
When the original poster (OP), unexpectedly came into a sizable amount of money, their children only expected that the OP would help them out financially, even a tiny bit.
The OP, however, had other plans with what they were going to do with the money.
Wondering if they were being selfish or unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling all my kids it's my inheritance and not using it to get them out of debt?"
The OP explained why their adult children were so angry with how they planned to their recently received inheritance:
"I have three kids, they all decided to go to expensive colleges."
"I paid for their books, and gave them money for food plan but tuition was on them."
"They knew from the beginning that college would be on them."
"My youngest took some community college classes that to save money."
"The rest of the kids didn't do much to lower their expenses."
"They are all out of college and [acquired] a whole bunch of debt."
"My mother passed away and she gave me the house."
"I am selling it for around 500k."
"I plan to use some of it for a big vacation and then the rest to go into my retirement fund."
"I decided to let the kids have a look at the home first before it went on the market."
"It's a really nice area and the house is great."
"They were suprised by the amount and all of them couldn't afford it."
"I told them I plan to sell it soon."
"This started argument about how I came into so much money put don't plan to give them any of it."
"I told them it is my inheritance from my mother."
"She wanted me to have this."
"Argument escalated even more and they want me to pay of their school debt."
"If I did that I it would take 3/4 of my inheritance."
"So I told them no."
"I reminded them that when I die they will have their own inheritance from me but I am not dead yet."
"They are pissed at me."
"Why don't I give them their inheritance now?"
"The answer is I am not dead."
"I can't sell our home and give them that money since I need to live in it."
"I can't drain my retirement fund since I need it to retire."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While not everyone wholly sympathized with the OP, the Reddit community was all but unanimous in agreeing that they were not the a**hole for refusing to pay off their children's student debt with their inheritance.
While some felt that the OP could have handled the matter with more delicacy and wondered why they were so adamant in refusing to help their children, everyone thought that as it was their money, the OP could do whatever they wanted with it.
Several agreed with the OP that their children needed to learn that had to earn their way through life without help and handouts:
"If your mother wanted them to have money, she would have put it in her will."
"You told them that they would have to pay for their own tuition."
"They are adults."
"You provided for then when they are children, but they chose to attend their schools and accepted that it would put them in debt."
"NTA."- mdthomas
"Getting Old is EXPENSIVE (I'm currently watching my In-Laws come to the realization that their net worth will only cover 3.5 years in a decent assisted living facility, never mind a good Memory Care home & their current living situation is fast becoming unsustainable)."
"You are going to NEED that money!"
"Tell your children exactly that!"
"It would not be fair to expect them to take care of you in your old age, and you don't want to end up in a facility that accepts Medicare alone."
"This inheritance is part of your Retirement Plan."
"If there's anything left when you pass on, they should consider themselves lucky."
"NTA."- Diasies_inMyHair
"My view may be skewed by the fact that my family lived paycheck to paycheck, so I knew that paying for my own college tuition (entirely through student loans) was the only option for me."
"But NTA."
"It wouldn't even occur to me to ask my parents to spend their inheritance on me."
"In fact, when my grandmother died several years ago, when I had over $100K in student-loan debt, it never did occur to me."- JJ12622
"So question: what was the point of 'I let them see the house' when A) they got nothing out of that other than looking at a nice house that would never be theirs because you're selling it, and B) what was the point, especially in letting them know the sell amount, when you knew off top you wouldn't share or want to have this conversation."
"You're coming to Reddit and asking, but it's like, I could see if these were your estranged siblings."
"They're your children, and you're condemning them in your choice of words for wanting better for their lives (about good higher education universities)."
"Glad for your youngest in community college."
"If they only went to the community, that means they only get an AA, and that severely limits their job pool."
"Compared to your other children who are obviously striving for bachelor's degrees and higher, there is a reason why people strive for higher education, and it's not because they want to be students for most of their life."
"Alot of kids dream of their parents paying for their schooling."
"You didn't have the means to before."
"This gave them hope."
"I don't think it's much deeper than that."
"They'll get over it, they know it's not their money, that's why they're upset because they hoped you'd share anyway."
"Your kids will be in debt now and hopefully get high-paying jobs that will bring back investment by 10x, and that will be 'their' money."
"This post just reads weird."
"You are NTA for the title because, again, it is your money."
"You are TA when it comes to life lessons because in situations like this, you will always be recommended to just cash out and keep quiet because people are obviously going to ask, justified or not."
"Sharing and then being confused that the expectation is that you're willing is what will get you in this situation."
"So in the future, you probably should keep to yourself."- helpmebiscuits
"NTA."
"I'm a live-in caregiver."
"My lady is 84."
"She has macular degeneration and is legally blind."
"She's also been diagnosed with vascular dementia."
"Elder care is SUPER EXPENSIVE!"
"You need to plan for your own old age care."
"This has surely opened my eyes to my own future."
"Your kids are greedy AHs, and I sure hope you plan wisely with your windfall."- Readsumthing
"NTA."
"Quite a few of my friends took a similar approach with their kids."
"If they went to community colleges (for 2 years) or state schools (all which were highly rated) that they would cover that part of their payments."
"If the kids chose to go to a school at 4x the cost, the difference was on them."
"I have other friends who are working into their late 60s because they used their savings to pay off their kid's college and other debts."
"Why would the kids think they are entitled to their Mom's money?"
"They made their choices."- hikergirl26
Some, however, felt it was cruel of the OP to show her children their mother's house only to tell them they were going to sell it and not give them any of the money, even if they still agreed the OP's children should not have expected them to pay off their debts.
"I understand your side well, so I hope to help you understand where your kids are coming from."
"As a millennial with boomer parents, I would never call them a**holes for not sharing their wealth."
"They had a whole plan for what retirement would be for them and financially supporting their kids in adulthood was not part of that plan."
"Still."
"I am divorced and struggling and while that's my problem, I wonder how much people can love me and still watch me suffer when they could potentially help."
"Knowing what the economy has become and that more people are struggling (Will your kids have a retirement savings at all?), it is easy to see how they might have had hopes for this windfall."
"You don't seem very aware of their situations outside college loans."
"And I do think you sucked for not helping them more."
"Starting adult life with debt can be insurmountable given high inflation and stagnant wages."
"Were you instilling in them independence or absolving yourself of all financial responsibility after age 18?"
"Does it seem cruel to you?"
"And does it have to be all or nothing as far as the inheritance?"
"Anyway. ESH."
"I mean, do you care about these people?"
No one enjoys living with debt, making it more than understandable why the OP's children hoped the OP might help them out.
However, the OP did make it abundantly clear that their education was on them, inheritance or not.
This raises the question: Will the OP's children force their own children to pay their own way through life?
Or will this experience inspire them to do exactly the opposite?
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp