Being a foster parent for a child can be a heavy load to carry.
There are so many children in that world who need a stable, safe home.
Though it’s a worthy undertaking, fostering requires a lot of patience and strength.
It’s not meant for everybody, and every match-up isn’t going to be a success.
Redditor Ok_Fly_8430 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
“AITA for not picking up my former foster daughter in the middle of the night after she called for help?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Two years ago my wife (37 F[emale]) and I (39) decided to foster.”
“We have 3 children and felt terrible that there were kids out in the world that needed a loving home.”
“Our first two placements only lasted a few days. It was fine.”
“But then we were placed with ‘Olivia’ (11).”
“I won’t go into personal details but we were her 5th foster home since she was 9.”
“My wife and I literally tried everything to help but she was rebellious.”
“She ran away, broke things, stole things, and lied.”
“She lied so much it was insane.”
“It was months and months of this.”
“Just when we thought things were getting better she would ruin it.”
“The 6th time she ran away, we had enough.”
“We asked to have her removed.”
“She said ‘I knew you didn’t care! I knew you didn’t want me! You just wanted the money!’”
“My wife and I lost it.”
“We reminded her how we listened to her, took her places she wanted to go, and encouraged her.”
“We told her that we didn’t spend a dime of the foster care money; instead, we saved it for her so she could have money when she turned 18.”
“We showed her the bank account with thousands of dollars in it and said that when she’s 18 she can still have it.”
“I think it was at that point she realized we cared, but it was too late.”
“She went back into the system, and we were not sure what happened.”
“Life went on.”
“We had another baby, we moved a few miles away.”
“Last Saturday night, my wife received a call from Olivia (now 13).”
“She put it on speakerphone.”
“Olivia apparently ran away from another foster home and had been living on the streets for days.”
“Eventually, she made it to our old neighborhood.”
“I told her that we moved.”
“She asked us if we could pick her up from a certain location.”
“She asked if we could take her in.”
“She was crying saying she loved the kids.”
“She missed my wife’s cooking.”
“She wants me to teach her how to play piano (I had started teaching her as a way to bond).”
“I felt bad for her but taking her back was impossible.”
“But we feared she would run away again.”
“So we told her that we would be there.”
“We called the police instead and they took her in.”
“The police contacted us a few days later saying Olivia’s foster parents were pressing charges.”
“She stole a few things.”
“Also, Olivia had a vape with drugs in it.”
“We were told that she would probably go to juvenile detention until she’s 18 (this is what we were told, unsure if it will happen).”
“They asked if we wanted any updates, and we declined.”
“We also asked them not to have her contact us again.”
“Today, we were telling some friends about this.”
“While some agreed with us, a few called us monsters.”
“One of our friends said, ‘I would’ve scooped that baby up and kept her.'”
“Legally, there was nothing we could do.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for not helping?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA – but man, oh man, what a gut-wrenching situation for you.”
“Having worked with kids like this who end up on the street – the reality is this.”
“Her needs far outweighed your skill sets.”
“You don’t have the training or skill sets to foster a kid like that.”
“Neither do any of your circle.”
“That baby needs WAY more than being scooped up and kept.”
“Just to let you know, you already did that.”
“She is going to require a full panel of professional support and services, and only she can decide if she wants that.”
“Still – gut-wrenching for you and your wife.”
“But she has to want the help and support – otherwise, nothing will get accomplished.” ~ banjadev
“NTA. Legally you couldn’t take her back.”
“She burned that bridge.” ~ SalisburyWitch
“You said everything I wanted to.”
“With her having been through 5 fosters in just two years at such a young age, there were some deep issues that pre-dated OP’s involvement and would/will need years of therapy to overcome.”
“Given the circumstances, they did the best they could in that situation with what they knew.”
“NTA, OP.” ~ -Kestra-
“NTA. You can’t help everyone, and I think you did your best for this girl.”
“Sometimes your best, unfortunately, is not enough for the situation.”
“This is sad all around.”
“And honestly, I think it is a good thing you did not pick her up.”
“She lied to you (by omission).”
“If you had picked her up, you would have been sucked into her issues, to the detriment of your own family.” ~ EnderBurger
“NAH. There’s only so much you can do.”
“The other five foster homes may have been all bad, but yours wasn’t.”
“She had no real reason to run away.”
“She was in other foster homes after, and she did the same stuff.”
“She tried to get back to you because you were the best place, and she had your number.”
“Olivia isn’t an AH either.”
“She’s just a product of a very broken system.” ~ 1962Michael
“NTA- but wow, did the system fail this girl?”
“If you were her 5th home in less than two years, that means child welfare was not meeting her needs or prepping her placements with the services and supports they needed to help her.”
“After so many placements and so many perceived rejections, it is really common for kids to act out and “test” and sometimes “reject” their next placement before the new family can reject them.”
“Why would she expect anything but rejection if that is all she has ever felt?”
“Even from her bio family?”
“They should have prepared you for that- and her.”
“As someone said, you were not adequately prepared to meet her needs.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“You are NTA, but gosh, do I feel sorry for her.” ~ Proud-Friendship-902
“The ONLY thing I’d say you’re an AH about was telling her you were coming to get her and then sending police instead.”
“Never lie to a foster kid, and I’m saying that as someone who adopted a foster kid.”
“You could have said you were sending help or that ‘somebody’ was coming to get her so she should wait right there.”
“If it was too late and out of your mouth already You could have picked her up and then had police meet you at your house to pick her up from there.”
“Picked her up and then taken her to the precinct.”
“But telling her you’d be there and then not showing up is like in the top 5 Don’ts for fostering.”
“I get it was the middle of the night, and you had to make a fast plan, but that was the one thing I’d say you did that I’d categorize as ‘wrong.'”
“For the rest, you are NTA.”
“She had mental health and behavioral needs that you couldn’t meet and that isn’t anyone’s fault.” ~ DecemberViolet1984
“Ouch. NTA, but your friend at the end there… it’s super easy to say what you would have done if you yourself had never been in that situation.”
“I get the sentiment they’re trying to express, but in my opinion, it feels inappropriate given the situation.”
“Like if they meant it they could inquire after Olivia and open their doors to her.”
“NTA for not picking her up.”
“This is a very difficult situation, and even if you were emotionally and mentally ready to take on the challenge again, you legally couldn’t help.” ~ Bureaucratic_*ick
“You’re NTA but Olivia has no one, Olivia has severe attachment issues and that’s not easy to deal with.”
“Olivia reached out to your wife (and you) cause she has no one else to reach out to.”
“She likely won’t do that again since you violated her trust.”
“Not saying you were wrong! Just saying Olivia IS alone, she doesn’t just feel alone – she IS alone.”
“Olivia needs to have seasoned foster parents who can and will invest in her regardless of her behavior.”
“Her issues are deep-rooted, again… she’s a child, a child that did not get anything handed to her in life.”
“She doesn’t mean to behave the way she does, her brain is wired differently due to the circumstances she was placed in.”
“Poor Olivia.” ~ SummerRocks1
“NTA. You are no longer her guardian, and you could have gotten into trouble if you’d done to get her.”
“That girl is very troubled and very damaged, and she needs more help than you and your wife can give.” ~ Limerase
“This is a troubled child, not a kitten.”
“You can’t just scoop her up and keep her.”
“She needs more help than you can provide. NTA.” ~ Ordinary_Mortgage870
“NTA, she was no longer in your care and did not want to be.”
“Your friends are morons.” ~ ok_Drop9357
“As someone who spent a huge portion of her childhood 20 placements between 5 and 15, I can tell you that there is no stressful experience as an adult that compares to the stress a child feels in foster care.”
“I understand why they don’t trust, why they act out.”
“This isn’t a bad child, just a child but it takes a special foster parent to understand that.” ~ Cosi-grl
“I remember getting downvoted once because I pointed out that not everyone has the means to successfully foster children.”
“It was in a thread asking why people give birth instead of adopting or fostering.”
“But this is exactly what I meant; many kids in the system are traumatized, and many people are not equipped to handle raising traumatized kids correctly.”
“It’s a gut-wrenching situation, and I wish we could all give these kids loving, stable homes, but I wish people were more realistic about what it means to foster kids.” ~ Rude-Illustrator-884
“NTA- but don’t foster any more children for both you and the child’s sake.” ~ thegroovyplug
This is such a tough story, OP.
Though most Reddit users understand your actions, many have difficulty processing them.
You and your wife did what you thought you could for Olivia.
It was a nice gesture, but it didn’t work out.
We hope she finds the help and support she needs.