Being a foster parent for a child can be a heavy load to carry.
There are so many children in that world who need a stable, safe home.
Though it's a worthy undertaking, fostering requires a lot of patience and strength.
It's not meant for everybody, and every match-up isn't going to be a success.
Redditor Ok_Fly_8430 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for not picking up my former foster daughter in the middle of the night after she called for help?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Two years ago my wife (37 F[emale]) and I (39) decided to foster."
"We have 3 children and felt terrible that there were kids out in the world that needed a loving home."
"Our first two placements only lasted a few days. It was fine."
"But then we were placed with 'Olivia' (11)."
"I won't go into personal details but we were her 5th foster home since she was 9."
"My wife and I literally tried everything to help but she was rebellious."
"She ran away, broke things, stole things, and lied."
"She lied so much it was insane."
"It was months and months of this."
"Just when we thought things were getting better she would ruin it."
"The 6th time she ran away, we had enough."
"We asked to have her removed."
"She said 'I knew you didn't care! I knew you didn't want me! You just wanted the money!'"
"My wife and I lost it."
"We reminded her how we listened to her, took her places she wanted to go, and encouraged her."
"We told her that we didn't spend a dime of the foster care money; instead, we saved it for her so she could have money when she turned 18."
"We showed her the bank account with thousands of dollars in it and said that when she's 18 she can still have it."
"I think it was at that point she realized we cared, but it was too late."
"She went back into the system, and we were not sure what happened."
"Life went on."
"We had another baby, we moved a few miles away."
"Last Saturday night, my wife received a call from Olivia (now 13)."
"She put it on speakerphone."
"Olivia apparently ran away from another foster home and had been living on the streets for days."
"Eventually, she made it to our old neighborhood."
"I told her that we moved."
"She asked us if we could pick her up from a certain location."
"She asked if we could take her in."
"She was crying saying she loved the kids."
"She missed my wife's cooking."
"She wants me to teach her how to play piano (I had started teaching her as a way to bond)."
"I felt bad for her but taking her back was impossible."
"But we feared she would run away again."
"So we told her that we would be there."
"We called the police instead and they took her in."
"The police contacted us a few days later saying Olivia's foster parents were pressing charges."
"She stole a few things."
"Also, Olivia had a vape with drugs in it."
"We were told that she would probably go to juvenile detention until she's 18 (this is what we were told, unsure if it will happen)."
"They asked if we wanted any updates, and we declined."
"We also asked them not to have her contact us again."
"Today, we were telling some friends about this."
"While some agreed with us, a few called us monsters."
"One of our friends said, 'I would've scooped that baby up and kept her.'"
"Legally, there was nothing we could do."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for not helping?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA - but man, oh man, what a gut-wrenching situation for you."
"Having worked with kids like this who end up on the street - the reality is this."
"Her needs far outweighed your skill sets."
"You don't have the training or skill sets to foster a kid like that."
"Neither do any of your circle."
"That baby needs WAY more than being scooped up and kept."
"Just to let you know, you already did that."
"She is going to require a full panel of professional support and services, and only she can decide if she wants that."
"Still - gut-wrenching for you and your wife."
"But she has to want the help and support - otherwise, nothing will get accomplished." ~ banjadev
"NTA. Legally you couldn't take her back."
"She burned that bridge." ~ SalisburyWitch
"You said everything I wanted to."
"With her having been through 5 fosters in just two years at such a young age, there were some deep issues that pre-dated OP's involvement and would/will need years of therapy to overcome."
"Given the circumstances, they did the best they could in that situation with what they knew."
"NTA, OP." ~ -Kestra-
"NTA. You can't help everyone, and I think you did your best for this girl."
"Sometimes your best, unfortunately, is not enough for the situation."
"This is sad all around."
"And honestly, I think it is a good thing you did not pick her up."
"She lied to you (by omission)."
"If you had picked her up, you would have been sucked into her issues, to the detriment of your own family." ~ EnderBurger
"NAH. There's only so much you can do."
"The other five foster homes may have been all bad, but yours wasn't."
"She had no real reason to run away."
"She was in other foster homes after, and she did the same stuff."
"She tried to get back to you because you were the best place, and she had your number."
"Olivia isn't an AH either."
"She's just a product of a very broken system." ~ 1962Michael
"NTA- but wow, did the system fail this girl?"
"If you were her 5th home in less than two years, that means child welfare was not meeting her needs or prepping her placements with the services and supports they needed to help her."
"After so many placements and so many perceived rejections, it is really common for kids to act out and "test" and sometimes "reject" their next placement before the new family can reject them."
"Why would she expect anything but rejection if that is all she has ever felt?"
"Even from her bio family?"
"They should have prepared you for that- and her."
"As someone said, you were not adequately prepared to meet her needs."
"It's not your fault."
"You are NTA, but gosh, do I feel sorry for her." ~ Proud-Friendship-902
"The ONLY thing I'd say you're an AH about was telling her you were coming to get her and then sending police instead."
"Never lie to a foster kid, and I'm saying that as someone who adopted a foster kid."
"You could have said you were sending help or that 'somebody' was coming to get her so she should wait right there."
"If it was too late and out of your mouth already You could have picked her up and then had police meet you at your house to pick her up from there."
"Picked her up and then taken her to the precinct."
"But telling her you'd be there and then not showing up is like in the top 5 Don'ts for fostering."
"I get it was the middle of the night, and you had to make a fast plan, but that was the one thing I'd say you did that I'd categorize as 'wrong.'"
"For the rest, you are NTA."
"She had mental health and behavioral needs that you couldn't meet and that isn't anyone's fault." ~ DecemberViolet1984
"Ouch. NTA, but your friend at the end there… it's super easy to say what you would have done if you yourself had never been in that situation."
"I get the sentiment they're trying to express, but in my opinion, it feels inappropriate given the situation."
"Like if they meant it they could inquire after Olivia and open their doors to her."
"NTA for not picking her up."
"This is a very difficult situation, and even if you were emotionally and mentally ready to take on the challenge again, you legally couldn't help." ~ Bureaucratic_*ick
"You're NTA but Olivia has no one, Olivia has severe attachment issues and that's not easy to deal with."
"Olivia reached out to your wife (and you) cause she has no one else to reach out to."
"She likely won't do that again since you violated her trust."
"Not saying you were wrong! Just saying Olivia IS alone, she doesn't just feel alone - she IS alone."
"Olivia needs to have seasoned foster parents who can and will invest in her regardless of her behavior."
"Her issues are deep-rooted, again… she's a child, a child that did not get anything handed to her in life."
"She doesn't mean to behave the way she does, her brain is wired differently due to the circumstances she was placed in."
"Poor Olivia." ~ SummerRocks1
"NTA. You are no longer her guardian, and you could have gotten into trouble if you'd done to get her."
"That girl is very troubled and very damaged, and she needs more help than you and your wife can give." ~ Limerase
"This is a troubled child, not a kitten."
"You can't just scoop her up and keep her."
"She needs more help than you can provide. NTA." ~ Ordinary_Mortgage870
"NTA, she was no longer in your care and did not want to be."
"Your friends are morons." ~ ok_Drop9357
"As someone who spent a huge portion of her childhood 20 placements between 5 and 15, I can tell you that there is no stressful experience as an adult that compares to the stress a child feels in foster care."
"I understand why they don't trust, why they act out."
"This isn't a bad child, just a child but it takes a special foster parent to understand that." ~ Cosi-grl
"I remember getting downvoted once because I pointed out that not everyone has the means to successfully foster children."
"It was in a thread asking why people give birth instead of adopting or fostering."
"But this is exactly what I meant; many kids in the system are traumatized, and many people are not equipped to handle raising traumatized kids correctly."
"It's a gut-wrenching situation, and I wish we could all give these kids loving, stable homes, but I wish people were more realistic about what it means to foster kids." ~ Rude-Illustrator-884
"NTA- but don't foster any more children for both you and the child's sake." ~ thegroovyplug
This is such a tough story, OP.
Though most Reddit users understand your actions, many have difficulty processing them.
You and your wife did what you thought you could for Olivia.
It was a nice gesture, but it didn't work out.
We hope she finds the help and support she needs.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp