Something we don't talk about enough regarding cheating is that cheating doesn't just lead to a breakup.
The lucky ones will only lose their romantic partner, whereas others will lose whole families and friend groups, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Unfortunately for Redditor EngineNo9031, he wasn't the one who cheated, but he was the one who was left behind.
When his parents sided with his cheating ex, the Original Poster (OP) cut ties with his family, even when they wanted to get in touch again when he started a new family of his own.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for telling my parents that they would not be a part of my life and that they should keep up their relationship with my ex and kids from that marriage?"
The OP's life was pulled out from under him when he found out his wife was cheating.
"When I got divorced, my parents tried to get me not to go through with it. My ex, Sarah, is the daughter of their best friends. We had two kids whom my parents adore."
"My parents tried everything to make me stay in that marriage. Sarah fought me on everything."
"I finally managed to escape and got what I consider to be a fair deal. No spousal support or child support. She kept the house, and we split our other assets."
"My parents said I was evil. They actually called me evil for walking away from a cheater and two kids that weren't biologically mine."
The OP started a new life for himself.
"I moved cities for my mental health. I started over. It sucked that I did this without support from my family."
"My parents pretty much poisoned my extended family against me."
"I have a job that I can do from anywhere, so I didn't even have to switch employers."
"My parents insisted on sending me pictures of the kids, so eventually I completely cut them off. I wasn't interested. I am still not interested now."
"Obviously, they chose to stay in their lives, so I needed them out of mine. It took months of blocking every attempt for them to catch a clue."
"I remarried two years after my divorce. My wife and I just had our first child."
The OP's parents tried to demand he let them into his life again.
"I don't know how, but my parents found out. They contacted me through a new phone number."
"They said that they wanted to meet their grandson."
"I said they already had two grandchildren and to leave my son out of their lives."
"They said they deserved to be in his life."
"I said no and that if I had to get a lawyer involved, I would."
The OP had the support of his wife and new family.
"I have no idea what is going on with Sarah and the kids. I don't care. I do know that for at least six months after the divorce, my parents were still heavily involved with her and the kids."
"My wife has my back, and her family understands my past. I never lied to them about why I am out of contact with my family and my ex."
"Am I wrong for keeping them away from their first biological grandchild after they chose two non-biological children over me?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to maintain his boundaries after his parents chose his ex over him.
"'Remember when you chose my cheating and lying ex over me? Now I'm choosing to live my life without you. Don't call me again.' NTA." - elems
"The parents have no right to the OP's new child after calling him evil and after trying to force him to stay with the woman who cheated for years and lied about the paternity of TWO children." - Beth21286
"NTA. Enjoy your new life away from the trauma your ex brought and the parents want. F**k cheaters and cheater enablers." - 6beerkdawgs
"They chose her, a cheater and a liar, over you, and calling you evil would have been the last straw for me as well." - Fragrant_Loan811
"NTA. The message to them should be simple:"
"'You both purchased a daughter and two fake grandkids for the sticker price of your actual blood relative, plus any future blood relatives by association. Your buyer's remorse is neither my fault nor my problem. All sales are final.'" - Pruddi_Skirita
"I can understand why your parents wanted to stay in contact with the kids they had believed were their grandchildren, but calling you evil for divorcing your cheating ex and leaving HER children was ridiculous."
"I would not want them in my life; the stress and bad memories aren't worth it. They made the choice, they get to live with it." - Truebeliever-14
"I'm so sorry about your parents/family and how they treated you. I cannot imagine finding out about not being your kids' father and then your parents vilifying you for leaving (sane decision, in my opinion)."
"So, what was your ex trying to accomplish? Was the biological father someone you knew? How did your parents justify their decision to support your ex?"
"Were they seriously expecting you to accept being cheated on, lied to, and humiliated by her, all so you can stay in a marriage to a lying cheater? Like, for real, what was the thought process?"
"You made a good decision, and keeping them out of your life is an even better decision. Also, congratulations on your baby! NTA." - AlannaAdvice
Others urged the OP to keep as much distance from them as possible.
"Don't open the door to them. As of now, they can't do anything about grandparents' rights because you have no contact with them. Do not give them any wiggle room. NTA." - Chaoticgood790
"It's not just that you don't have contact with them, but once your child starts to have contact with your parents, they have more standing to claim that it's in their grandchild's 'best interests' to continue that contact, and you will have some burden of proof to prove that it is not."
"If they have never had any contact with your child, that bar would be extremely high, unreachable as long as you are alive and well." - JohannasGarden
"His parents poisoned their relatives against him. I'd imagine they will do the same to his family now. They'd likely try to convince the OP's child that they're siblings with the other two, but the lesser of the three, because of course they would say something like that."
"Besides, they haven't given him any reason to trust them after what happened. OP should keep his family and himself safe." - IceSeeker
"Don't let them back in, OP, and don't let them know where you live. If they somehow figure THAT out, move again (I wish I were kidding), and change all of your contact info again. Otherwise... be prepared for the parents to show up everywhere." - 1Legate
"If I were OP, I'd be making it clear that further attempts to contact OP and OP's ACTUAL new family will be met with legal action, and make sure the receipts are ready to go." - justtheretosnark24
"NTA. Do not trust them. It will only be a matter of time before they are whispering in your kid's ear about getting to meet his siblings. They wanted something and didn't give a f*ck how it impacted you. They will forever have to justify that decision to themselves. Huge chance they try to do that by trying to get the kids together."
"They're narcissists, and you were a character in their life movie. They are bound to try and manipulate things to make themselves the protagonists again."
"I can guarantee they have said at some point since they found out what a shame it is that they won't get to grow up knowing their (non)sibling. Getting the kids together and having a happy relationship would make them the good guys again in their heads."
"Without thorough proof that they have completely ended all relationships with your former in-laws, I would never allow them around my kid."
"Writing in as a father of four who had a long journey from low to no contact with narcissistic parents. Narcissists' lives are a movie, and they have an insatiable desire to manipulate themselves into the role of hero." - enutts777
"NTAH 100%."
"So wait, your ex cheated on you, passed both of her children as yours, kept the affair partner in the children's lives, and your parents called YOU evil?!"
"Unless your extended family are religious, there's no way any sane person would go after you if they knew that you were not only cheated on but also had paternity fraud committed against you. Your parents most likely twisted the story and probably added an extra lie or two."
"But document everything since they now know your new number and your son's existence, they could also harass your wife and her family as well to pressure you. They might even sic your extended family on to you as well." - Puppet007
Redditors were shocked by how the OP's life had unraveled, only for his parents to make it worse by shaming him for wanting something better.
The OP is clearly better off with the new life he has built with his old one firmly in the rear-view mirror. If his parents were having second thoughts, that was their burden to carry.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp