Some friendships last a lifetime. Others are situational, like workplace friendships you don’t maintain after a job change.
Sometimes people grow closer over time, going from acquaintances to dear friends. Other times people drift apart as their lives or circumstances change.
A new father turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after a get together with an old friend didn’t end well.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
EmbarrassedLynx8163 asked:
“AITAH for distancing myself from my friend after his wife called my wife fat?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My wife is not ‘fat,’ but she has gained weight after she delivered our son. She’s still not fat or obese. She used to be skinny and we both think that it is actually a blessing that she has gained some weight.”
“A month ago, my wife and me went to dinner with my friend and his wife. We didn’t see them in a long time, almost 2 years. He lives in a different country because of his job and after they came back we planned for dinner.”
“We were enjoying our discussion about our old days, but his wife suddenly said that my wife has become ‘fat’. She added they are going to stay in our city for a few months and she will hit the gym and asked my wife to join her.”
“My wife said that she doesn’t want to hit the gym yet. But his wife said if my wife doesn’t hit the gym she will gain even more weight and probably turn obese.”
“I interrupted her and said that my wife is not ‘fat.’ If she gave birth and if she was in my wife’s place, she would understand.”
“Our little get together didn’t go as well as we were expecting.”
“I was offended and didn’t talk to him since last month. I decided to distance myself from him and his wife.”
“He contacted me and asked me if I took offense with how things went last time.”
“I didn’t reply back to him yet, but I want to maintain distance between us and possibly even cut him and his wife off forever.”
The OP later added:
“Please explain to me why do I need to give him an explanation about why I am distancing myself from him? Is he not mature? Does he not know his wife? Does he think what his wife said was appropriate?”
“If he’s clueless, or maybe not and wants to take his wife’s side, then what’s stopping me from doing the same thing, huh?”
“I quietly distanced myself from him and his wife for my wife and my son. I would rather spend time with my family than him and his wife.”
“If he can’t take the hint that her words were offensive and she needs to apologize without me telling him, then I don’t really want him in my life.”
“We haven’t been each other since past 2 years anyway, so why not keep our distance from each other forever?”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to distance himself from his friend over the comments his friend’s wife made (NTA).
“NTA. But he may ask again or consider you rude for not answering.”
“Just to finish the matter, tell him something like, ‘Of course I took offence and so did my wife. Your wife was incredibly rude to my wife and instead of apologising, your wife doubled-down after we challenged her. I have no desire to ever be in your wife’s company again as she was judgemental and insulting towards a new mother. Those are not qualities I want in my life’.” ~ gringaellie
“If they try to argue, you no longer have to answer, because it has all been politely explained in this message.” ~ GrandPipe5878
“I like this more than just ignoring. It’s fair to explain and I think many people can get hung up on regretting not saying anything. I probably would.”
“Don’t have hope, but sometimes people can surprise you in a good way. It’s not your responsibility to try and save this friendship, but I think it will be easier to accept if you stated your side—all the while modelling how appropriate conversations look and sound.”
“I think answering head on is in line with how well you handled the comments in the moment head on. For sure NTA, it’s inexcusable behavior and you would be a total a** if you didn’t challenge his wife’s rudeness.” ~ Beagle-wrangler
“This is a good response, except I would leave room for the friend’s wife to apologize. Some people are just dense and this could be a wake-up call for her to change how she talks to people.” ~ Forestpilgrim
“She’s had time to apologize. The husband that isn’t sure if calling a mother who recently gave birth fat is offensive has something wrong with him.” ~ Jesiplayssims
“NTA. You went two years without them and you can go 200 more.” ~ CharissaChar
“Protecting your family’s dignity is way more important than keeping toxic friends.” ~ LofiGhost1
“Honestly yeah, some ‘friendships’ expire and that’s fine. If someone makes your partner feel small, there’s no reason to chase the relationship. You’re not losing much by keeping your distance, you’re gaining peace.” ~ turbo-hunter45
“NTA. That was rude beyond measure. You stood up for your wife. GOOD! Of course someone would take offense to that.”
“Honestly, best to just let the friendship die at this point. If he doesn’t understand what his wife said was rude and hurtful, he’s not much of a friend. They are not your friends. They are judgemental a**holes.” ~ MistressJacklynHyde
“NTA. Personally, since the ‘friend’ reached out, I would respond, but you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”
“I would reply, ‘Yes, we were very offended by your wife’s remarks about my wife’s body and weight. Whether she had a baby or not, it’s extremely rude to comment & confront someone about their weight or their looks. I really have nothing more to say to you or your wife at this time as no apology has been forthcoming’.”
“Or something like that. I mean, what kind of person is his wife to say that to someone?” ~ ilovetab
“Worse yet, is this how your friend’s wife may talk about her own kids one day? These comments are totally unaware of what a woman’s body goes through with having children.”
“The right thing to say is congrats on everyone’s good health and focus on adorable baby. Remember there was a time that most women didn’t survive childbirth.”
“They are not only socially unaware but it seems like a bit immature with understanding what it’s like to have kids.” ~ Zasha786
“What they said is extremely offensive. NTA. But OP, I want to point out that you’ve pointedly said several times in this post that your wife isn’t fat or obese. Your friends making comments about your wife’s body would be offensive even if she was fat or obese.” ~ thepolishedpipette
“For real. I don’t comment on the bodies of people that have obviously lost weight either. #1 it’s none of my business, #2 it makes no impact on the kind of person they are, #3 I don’t know if they have gained or lost weight due to physical health changes, mental health changes, lifestyle changes, etc…” ~ kittensms96
“Absolutely this!! When my sister had cancer she lost so much weight, and I gained because I moved in to take care of her and the stress was insane. People were constantly complimenting her on her weight loss and giving me judgement.”
“She would get home and we would both cry because we were trying so hard to keep her alive. She had insane reactions to a ton of foods at that point, and almost all of my time was finding recipes and foods she could eat.”
“She died at 86 lbs. People’s weight is not anyone’s business but their own.” ~ And_PeggyJean
The OP provided an update:
“I don’t want to hang out with him because of his wife and what she said. I didnt dislike him and I was looking forward to seeing him after 2 whole years.”
“I didn’t expect that a little get together with him and his wife would end up with my wife being called fat.”
“I made the post to find out if I did the right thing. I wanted people who lives far away from me to judge me, but some commenters are more concerned about my friend, saying I ‘owe’ him an explanation.”
“They say I should make it clear to him why I no longer want to spend time with him and his wife. I should explain to him because it can ‘help’ and for closure.”
“I guess, yeah, fine, it won’t hurt me if I tell him everything that went wrong with our get together and why I distanced myself from him and his wife.”
“But I think he’s stupid for being oblivious and not caring about what his wife said. My wife and I are still stressed.”
“We were stressed out when she was pregnant and we are still stressed and coping. And his wife, who never got pregnant, judges me and my wife?”
“As someone commented, I was distant from him for 2 years and I can stay distant from him for the next 200 years.”
The OP can choose to give his old friend an explanation or leave things as they are.
The friend and his wife know what was said and how it was received. They could have apologized without being prompted, but have chosen not to.
Any consequences because of their actions are on them.