Few people will ever own a bespoke gown, mainly because the work of talented designers specializing in gowns is incredibly expensive.
So to receive one for free gift would be an especially generous gift.
This is especially true if the gown is a wedding dress, which often includes intricate lace, beading, or appliques, luxurious fabrics, and an unforgiving color that can be easily stained and ruined.
Even designers who specialize in wedding dresses often need a year or more to create a custom gown. However, not everyone understands that bespoke designer fashion is a lot more complex and time-consuming than making a dress with a Butterick or McCall’s pattern on your home sewing machine.
A designer dealing with disappointing a friend turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Elegant-Big3199 asked:
“AITA for telling my friend I can’t make her wedding dress despite making them for two other friends?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (38, female) am a dressmaker and have my own shop. It has been a custom in my friend group that my wedding gift to friends who marry has been an original wedding dress made to their taste and have done this for two friends.”
“I love my job, and I love my friends, so it has always been an easy choice for me. However, I am currently 26 weeks pregnant with my first child and trying to lessen my workload as I prepare for my maternity leave and pass larger projects over to my employees.”
“My friend informed me last night that she is getting married. I was, of course, so happy for her and congratulated her.”
“She asked if I’d be making her dress for her, and I told her, of course, to just let me know when they had a date, and I was told they already had a date, January 19th. That was fine, a year and five months, perfect. There was plenty of time to do the designs and make them, and I expressed as much to her.”
“But she corrected me—it wasn’t January 19, 2026, like I assumed, but January 19, 2025. I was a bit shocked at this and told her that if that’s the date she’d picked, I’d have to take back my promise as there was no way I could make her dress in that time frame as I would not be too long postpartum.”
“I asked her to reconsider the date if she wanted me to make a dress, pointing out how five months wasn’t much to plan a wedding anyway, but she insisted that was when she wanted it. I didn’t push as it was up to her, but I made it clear I would not be able to make her dress for her then.”
“She didn’t understand this at all, pointing out how I’ll be taking time off work soon anyway, and can’t I just use that time to make her dress? I admit, in hindsight, I got a bit snappish here, and she likely didn’t realize just how much work goes into a wedding dress.”
“But I asked her if she’d hit her head and why she’d think it’s OK to ask me to put stress on my pregnancy for her wedding dress?”
“If I wasn’t pregnant, and if she wanted a very simple dress, and if I had no major orders in at that time, I could make it work, but that is so many ifs. Ten months is the average turnaround time, but for a simple gown, I can work with a little over half that time, and more complex dresses take longer than 10 months.”
“She has been putting messages in the group chat calling me out for it and saying how it’s easy to tell who my favorites are, and it’s clear her feelings are hurt.”
“I simply said in the group chat that I was unable to make a dress for free in five months. I’ve avoided the chat since then as I’m quite upset by this.”
“One of the friends I made a dress for gave me three years’ notice because she knew it’d take time, and she wanted a ballgown, so she didn’t want to make me feel pressured.”
“I’m annoyed, but also feeling a bit regretful about this. I can’t trust my employees to make a wedding dress without me, as their skill level isn’t up to that.”
“But maybe I could have a rehearsal dinner dress made for her or even a reception dress to soothe the hurt of her not getting the custom wedding dress she wants.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I refuse to make a custom wedding dress for my friend despite two other friends getting them.”
“I also said something a bit harsh, which I regret now, and I could be an a**hole as I didn’t try to calmly explain to her why it wasn’t possible.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“LOL at her saying, ‘You’re taking time off’ because it’s common knowledge that the experience of giving birth and caring for a newborn is relaxing.”
“NTA at all, and this person isn’t your friend.” ~ No_Introduction1721
“I got soooooo much done while I was trapped on the couch for four hours at a time under a nursing or sleeping baby! Exactly like a working vacation.” ~ withbellson
“For real, I spent the first 12 weeks just sitting on the couch because my daughter couldn’t be put down.” ~ brostille
“How many custom wedding gowns did you make?” ~ withbellson
“At least 5! It was the most relaxing, productive time of my life.🙄“ ~ brostille
“NTA. So, you offered her an incredibly generous gift that will take you a great deal of work, and you advised her that this amount of work needs a certain time frame… and the ungrateful a**hole has the nerve to demand that you do it in a time frame you can’t accommodate, while on maternity leave and recovering from the birth of your baby?”
“You are in NO way an a**hole here. She is, though, and I’d suggest that given her attitude, she does not deserve a dress from you.” ~ Sweeper1985
“And that is all assuming that the rest of the pregnancy and birth goes smoothly and the baby is a unicorn when they are born. What if her recovery is longer or if she has a fussy baby?”
“Yeah, she isn’t just off and has an abundance of free time. She will be figuring out parenting and taking care of a little human for the first time.”
“Definitely NTA. In fact, I think it’s better for you to say this from the get-go than to be overwhelmed and have to tell her closer in that you can’t do the dress now.” ~ PSsomething
“People who think maternity leave is a holiday are a special kind of stupid.” ~ Acceptable_Tap7479
“NTA. Wowwwwwww, that’s some hella audacity of your ‘friend’ to suggest you risk your health (and sanity) in order to make her a wedding gown in…. 5 months.”
“You’re growing a human, and then you will be birthing a tiny human and then recovering from giving birth while taking care of a newborn…”
“Where does she think wedding gown-making is going to go amid all of that? My gosh.” ~ fallingintopolkadots
“NTA. It’s not like you’re saying no just because you want to be an a**hole. You’re saying no because you’re pregnant, and she has given you a very short time to complete the favor.”
“She doesn’t care about your situation but expects you to care about hers? Absolutely not.” ~ CrabbiestAsp
“I’d be blasting the sh*t out of her in the group chat. The AUDACITY to be upset at not getting THOUSANDS of dollars worth of materials and labor for free is disgraceful, and I’d make sure everyone knew it.”
“Not to mention five months is a ridiculously short turnaround time for a custom wedding dress even when you’re actually PAYING for it.” ~ Child_of_the_Hamster
“NTA. Does your friend realize that you make custom wedding dresses that are not quick and fast-fashion?”
“Even if you weren’t pregnant, I’d imagine that would still be a lot of time to make a custom dress and then do any alterations.” ~ the_greek_italian
“NTA—as a seamstress currently making her own dress, this makes my blood boil. There is so much work that goes into a wedding dress, and it’s physically taxing with all of the layers and to expect you to do it while you’re having a baby‽‽ Ugh!” ~ themeganlodon
“You are absolutely NTA here. Your ‘friend’ is not only the a**hole, but she is entitled and selfish. You explained the totally valid reason this would be difficult and she dismissed that and now has the gall to badmouth you about it in the group chat.”
“You’ll be taking time off your paid employment soon, but you’ll be increasing your workload hugely by having a tiny human to care for.”
“‘I’m sorry that you feel a dress you will wear for one day is more important than my child. I do not share this sentiment. You’re right, I do have a favourite, it’s the child growing inside me who I am already nurturing and caring for and will forevermore’.”
“‘This life is far more important to me than a dress, and if you think that this is an unfair and selfish attitude, and your dress is the priority, then you’re not the type of person I would ever want to wear one of my creations anyway’.”
“Don’t make anything, OP. Not a single thing. Take care of you and your child.”
“Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy—you’re going to be a great mum; baby isn’t even here yet, and you’re already putting their wellbeing first.” ~ BrewKoala
Maternity leave is definitely not vacation time. Having a baby is a lot of work.
For her and her baby’s health and welfare, it seems like saying no to this request is best.