Favors for a loved one are something a lot of couples exchange. An attitude of gratitude is appreciated, but sometimes a person develops an attitude of entitlement.
The favor, if recurring, comes to be expected, then demanded.
A spouse dealing with a favor that morphed into a demand turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
AITAcars asked:
“AITA for no longer filling the car with gas before my partner has to go to work?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My partner works Sunday evenings. I don’t. They tend to sleep until 15-30 minutes before they need to be at work.”
“They’ve recently been asking if I can fill up their car with gas before they go to work on Sundays because they don’t have time to get ready for work, get gas, and get to work on time.”
“I suggested doing it the day prior and they said they are tired after work. I get it, they get out late. But I also get gas after work when I need it so I’m ready the next day. And if I am too tired to get gas, I wake up earlier the next day to make sure I have time.”
“They get out very early mornings, but we are surrounded by 24 hour gas stations or stations that leave the pumps on after the store inside closes.”
“For a while, I was doing it because it wasn’t much of a bother for me. I would take their car and go to the gas station and get snacks or drinks or go to Dunkin and get a coffee.”
“I would also sometimes take the car while they were asleep and get gas and go to the grocery store because I had to get groceries anyways. They also didn’t ask every week, just most.”
“I’ve also told them they should fill up before Sunday so it isn’t such a rush. Or wake up earlier. They said they would try. But I also didn’t mind doing it if I had a reason to go out.”
“It snowed last night through today where we live. I had no plans to go out because I don’t like driving in the snow unless I truly have to.”
“I went to the grocery store yesterday before the snow started and I stocked up on all my drinks and snacks so I wouldn’t have to drive in the snow. I was also still in my pajamas because I was looking forward to a comfy day inside.”
“They asked me if I could fill their car up with gas again today. I said no, I don’t like driving in the snow especially in a car that’s not mine.”
“They said it’s not far to the gas station and they had to get ready for work. I repeated that I don’t feel comfortable driving their car in the snow and I don’t need to go out for anything so I won’t do it.”
“They were upset because I refused to go out and fill up the car with gas. They left for work upset and didn’t even say goodbye and later texted me that they couldn’t fully finish getting ready for work and were a few minutes late to work because they had to stop to get gas.”
“AITA for not filling the car with gas before my partner went to work even though I have been doing it often in the past?”
The OP later added:
“I kept my post gender neutral to prevent gender bias. Because that makes a big difference in whether you’re the asshole or not. And I don’t agree with that.”
“I think in this situation, gender doesn’t matter. So I left it ambiguous to not cloud judgment.”
“They use their car for work, and they do delivery and drive a lot of miles, so they go through a tank every shift or two. They have to start with a full tank.”
“The company reimburses them for gas tho, so they aren’t paying it out of pocket. And when I fill up their car, they pay me back ASAP.”
“I had told them that I didn’t expect to go out in the snow because I bought everything we needed. I mentioned having a lazy day at home in pajamas too. To me, that means I won’t go out and get them gas.”
“I don’t mind doing it if I have a reason to go out. But with the snow, I didn’t even want to go out in my car and especially not in theirs.”
“They also work Friday and Saturday evenings. I don’t know why it’s only a Sunday thing they ask for.”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“I did not fill my partner’s car with gas before they left for work, even though I tend to say yes when they ask, or do it without asking, and because of that, they couldn’t fully get ready and got to work a few minutes late.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“Why didn’t they stop and fill the car with gas on their way home from work the last time they worked? It is incredibly lazy to ask your partner to fill up your car with gas, so that you can sleep until the very last minute, when you had plenty of opportunities to do it yourself.” ~ LdiJ46
“Keeping your car filled with gas is super simple, unless you live and work somewhere remote (but OP says the gas station is close). All you have to do is, once you see it drop below half, or whatever your comfort level is, be on the lookout for a gas station and stop the next time you see one.” ~ Illeazar
“Even if it was a matter of not wanting to fill up when it’s dark out for safety reasons or always being too tired after work, I’d just plan around that.” ~ paul_rudds_drag_race
“Since this is an issue on Sundays, you know they had the whole weekend to fill it. Trying to shift the responsibility to OP is just lazy and entitled.” ~ heckyescheeseandpie
“And it’s also bad for the car to be constantly running on fumes. The default should be to keep it at a healthy level, before it gets so low that you have to fill it up to be able to drive to work.”
“It’s both stupid and entitled to rely on your partner to fill the car up so that you can go to work at all.” ~ Rundstav
“I don’t like having to rush in the morning and add a stop for gas on my trip to work, so if I see I am low, I stop on my way home so I don’t have to get it in the morning.”
“These types of things, I always want to ask ‘what would they do if they were single?'” ~ Crafty_Quantity_3162
“And why are they waiting til the last minute to ask you? NTA, not your car, not your responsibility.” ~ RepulsiveRent464
“I’ve been married over 20 years and have never asked my husband to get gas, or for him to get me gas; not because of any specific reason, but because it’s so easy to handle without putting the other person out. This is bizarre.” ~ married_to_a_reddito
“NTA, your partner is actively choosing to leave their car empty and to wake up with so little time that they can’t fill up. They need to act like an adult and be responsible enough to be fully prepared for work which includes having the gas to get there.” ~ yahomeboysatan
“Also, when snow is predicted, it’s a really good idea to fill up before the storm hits.” ~ winter_laurel
“My EX would regularly drive all the way home (with gas light on), past multiple gas stations and into the garage.”
“But then forget this when they needed to go to work/run errands the next day. Then they would come back into the house, announcing they needed to take my car because theirs needed gas and they were running late.”
“I started keeping an extra 5-gallon gas can in the garage.”
“Fun times!!” ~ SAS614
“What the heck is going on? Why don’t they fill up their tank when they see it getting low like normal people. NTA.” ~ Legal-Radio7737
“My dad always told me (especially being I live in a place with snow) if you don’t want to learn how to replace a fuel pump, you don’t let it go below 1/4 in the winter.”
“Now I’m not always the best at it, but I’ve never seen a low fuel light unless someone else was driving.” ~ savanah75179
“It takes 5 minutes on their way… Whereas you have to interrupt your day, leave the house, go to the place and do it, then come home. NTA.”
“They clearly think their time is far more valuable than yours.” ~ Salt-Detective1337
“NTA. Your partner chose to put off their responsibilities and failed to make any accommodations to address it. Then they got angry at you for not bailing them out of the situation they created and even blamed you for the consequences of their own piss poor decisions.”
“These are not the behaviors of an emotionally mature adult or a good partner.” ~ Kr_Treefrog2
Hopefully OP and their spouse can have a conversation soon about the difference between favors and requirements.