Redditor The_Death_Flower is a nineteen-year-old with whom her friend “Claire” has struggled to find a date.
Claire has a theory as to why they are still single, but our Redditor had a contrasting point of view.
When their discussion about dating problems reached a boiling point, our Redditor visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for telling my friend the truth about why she never gets a second date?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My (NB 19) friend (F 20) Claire – fake name, have known each other for 2 years and go to uni together. We’re both single and are both overweight (it’s relevant).”
“Claire has been struggling to find a partner recently and it’s been getting to her a bit, because she has been on a few dates with people but very few (1 or 2) have agreed to a second date.”
“She thinks it’s because people don’t want to date a bigger girl, but my guess is that many people are put off by the fact that she lacks relatively basic manners on some stuff.”
“For example, she often chews with her mouth open, talks with food in her mouth, or talks really loudly even if she’s in a quiet place. She’s aware that she does this sometimes but she still does it.”
“Recently I was hanging with her at her place and we were talking about an upcoming date I have with someone that I’ve seen a few times before. She’s been super supportive and happy for me throughout it.”
“At some point she talked about how she wishes she knew how to attract people that weren’t too shallow and would like her for her personality instead of focusing on her looks. She added that I was lucky I found someone that liked « people with my style » (I have a goth style when she has a very indie/hippie style)”
“I told her that her personality and her looks were not the issue, because she’s a very pretty and funny girl, but that first impressions were important in dating and that things like chewing her your mouth open was a common « turn off ».”
“She was pretty quiet afterwards, when I got home, she texted me that what I said was uncalled for, and that not everyone was taught perfect table manners, so I shouldn’t act like I knew better.”
“I didn’t reply because I’m still surprised that she reacted like this. Because I don’t have perfect manners either, but the things she does are legitimate things that would put people off on a first date.”
“AITA for what I told her?”
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole in the situation.
‘not everyone was taught perfect table manners.’
“Lol chewing with your mouth open is something you learn as a child. And when adults do it it’s veeeeery annoying.”
“NTA, this is basic social conduct.” – plfntoo
“Also, shouldn’t that be a positive thing for her dating future, that it’s her manners, not her appearance preventing a second date? It’s hard to change your weight quickly, but you can relatively quickly train yourself to chew with your mouth closed!”
“Then she might get more second dates.” – SilverHeart1990
“Chewing with your mouth open is legitimately a reason for me to cut a dinner date short. It makes me queasy to the point where I had trouble focusing on my meal once, because a few tables over, in an otherwise empty restaurant, a guy was chewing loudly with his mouth open, and talking at the same time.”
“It was nauseating. I’ve got ADHD, so I’m a bit more sensitive to these things than most people, but yeah, I wouldn’t even last a single date with someone who eats like that. Blegh.” – TheGrimDweeber
“NTA. I’m a little overweight and I have a couple people who always remark about how I found someone who loves me ‘despite’ my weight. It ANGERS my husband.”
“He’s never seen anything wrong with me. He always says they don’t have trouble finding people because of their weight, but because of their personalities and lack of… motivation, responsibility, etc. (He doesn’t say it to them, but we discuss it, and I agree.)”
“I’ve gently brought up specific small things, but these ladies just focus on their weight. It’s easier to blame that, I think.” – crystallz2000
“Does she have to be introduced to the internet at 20? Don’t chew with mouth open unless you got some raging nasal congestion and can’t breathe otherwise.”
“Don’t talk with your mouth full. Don’t burp. Don’t slurp, assuming we are talking about European-style manners. Don’t know the others really other than sticking chopsticks in food is bad manners in many far eastern-style manners that use chopsticks.”
“This… pretty much sums up the basics. Everything else is extra.” – MeiSuesse
“Unfortunately some adults have poor hygiene and table manners. Whats odd is they often believe that other people should just deal with it and act as though poor hygiene and bad table manners don’t bother them.”
“Then they get mad when other people don’t want to hang out with them.”
“OP, you gave your friend valuable advice. Let’s hope she takes it.” – SnapesGrayUnderpants
“I honestly am struggling with this one because I’m a big proponent of not giving advice unless someone asks for it directly. But, I probably would have actually said something similar because it sounds like she talks about this subject very frequently, and that can be exhausting, when you have a pretty good idea what the real problem is.”
“So, NTA, but don’t ever bring it up again. She’s not going to change until SHE wants to. You’ve said your piece, so leave it there.” – TwoFar2182
“NTA You can try telling her it wasn’t meant as an attack at all but some advice. We all have our blind spots and if you have a friend who in good faith points out a fault in your blind spot that is causing you problems in your life, it would be better to consider the message rather than shoot the messenger.”
“That said, she may stubbornly refuse to listen, reacting defensively to the end. You can lead a horse to water, and all that.”
“If she acknowledges that she is lacking in basic manners but refuses to learn them, what can you do? I have seen many cases of people who refuse to grow as people because it would involve admitting that they were lacking in some way, had something yet to learn, or were wrong about something.” – jwjnthrowawaykfeiofj
“NTA.”
‘not everyone was taught perfect table manners.’
“it’s called ‘common sense.'”
“Also she is undermining you by saying sh*t that basically says ‘i wish I had it as easy as you?’ it implies that you are surounded by men that are attracted to you and that you don’t face dating struggles yourself. If you even said it normal there was ZERO disrespect.”
“I am coming to the conclusion why so many Americans could not stand my german ass, one that straight up tells you what they think without sugar coating.” – Plastic_Mango1929
“NTA. You wouldn’t be a very good friend if you didn’t tell her the truth about what might be putting people off. And for those saying that your advice was unwarranted since she didn’t ask, so what?”
“What if she doesn’t ever ask for advice/help, only unloads her frustrations? OP was being honest with a friend about what she could improve on. That’s what friends are for. And it doesn’t sound like OP was rude about it.” – piccasshoe
“Actually as someone who was not taught basic table manners. It’s really hard when you first realise, Holy sh*t I’m actually quite disgusting and off-putting by other people’s standards! So I can understand her being upset.”
“HOWEVER. As others have said, she is a f’king adult and it’s on her to change. She seems to have gotten warnings on this before.”
“She has absolutely no right being mad at you, especially considering she’s condescending your personality and style to feel better about herself. Double especially because she asked. NTA.” – p14gu3
“NTA.”
“A good friend is kindly honest. Sometimes people don’t want to hear the honest part but you didn’t attack her, you let her know she’s focusing on the wrong shortcoming. There are plenty of people who are attracted to larger women.”
“It really is more about personality and how someone carries themself. Knew an open-mouth chewer in college and I’d actively sit on the same side of the table as him, a couple seats down, when our group would eat together just so I wouldn’t have to watch or hear him eat because it made me lose my appetite. It’s a very real aversion.”
“Signed: someone who is attracted to plumper women and can’t handle open-mouthed chewing.” – BarbicideJar
“NTA. Helpful suggestion out of friendship.”
“People who resent constructive criticism get on my nerves. Ruffled feathers doesn’t excuse you from needing to correct your habits, Miss Zero Self-Awareness.”
“Guaranteed: Only another person with awful manners would go to dinner a second time with a person who eats like an animal. I have nearly left a date in the middle of the meal over that kind of behavior.”
“The woman literally belched at the table in addition to smacking and chawing open-mouthed and babbling while chewing, spewing chunks of food onto my plate. Thanks, Match.com.”
“Anyway – you were trying to help. She should be thankful that one of her friends is loyal enough to take that risk to help her improve.” – SignatureAncient8034
Overall, Redditors agreed that Claire should know better about good dining etiquette.
They also thought the OP was just being honest about Claire’s dating problem and didn’t deserve to get criticized for it.