Navigating workplace relationships is difficult enough under normal circumstances. But when your boss starts hitting on you, things can get real weird, real fast.
A Redditor found himself in this situation when his boss put the moves on him during a business trip. Unsure about how he handled it, he went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for some perspective and input.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by snackmaster2000 on the site, asked:
"AITA for going to HR?"
He explained:
"my boss (46F[emale]) asked me (36m[ale]) to join her for a meeting In a city three hours away. I had done one of these trips with her before, however it was on my schedule week prior."
"In this case I was given less than one days notice and was a little annoyed since I had not planned on this, and I'd be missing a day of work. However since she's my boss, I didn't really look at it as an option and I joined her on the trip."
"As we were chatting on the drive down, she mentioned that she will have to manage a different team at some point because she has a conflict of interest with our team. I wasn't sure what it meant but I didn't ask and we moved on."
"The meeting went fine, however on the drive home she said 'remember when I said I had a conflict of interest in managing this team? I'm not sure if it's just the lock down making me crazy, but since we've been working together I've started to feel a really strong connection towards you and very strong attraction, And I wonder if you are feeling it too or if it's just me?'"
"I nervously laughed and told her that's flattering but I have a girlfriend (she's also married) and she then told me 'thanks for giving me the answers I needed'. We sat in extremely awkward silence for a while, and she said y'ou know what, forget I said anything, erase it from your memory'."
"I told her 'I'm not gonna lie, this is very uncomfortable, and we still have to sit in this car for an hour' She said she could cancel our one on one meetings moving forward if that would make me more comfortable, and asked me what we should do. I told her 'do what you need to do, but I'm not a part of this conversation.'"
"She ask me again please not to tell anyone we work with, and said if I decide to go to HR to let her know so she can be ready. I said I didn't want to do that because I don't want drama at work. We sat in very awkward silence for an hour, until we finally got back to her place and I got my car and drove home."
"I wasn't sure how to move forward, how I was going to face her the following week and pretend nothing happened? I got lots of advice over the weekend, consensus was go to HR on Monday. Monday morning, before I even spoke to HR, she sent a message to our team saying 'something came up, and I will need to take a week off to adres personal matters'."
"She's never done this, I assumed it was about me. At that point I went to HR and told everything that happened."
"My boss was placed on leave for 3 weeks while I was transitioned to a new team."
"Am I the a**hole here? I feel like I turned in a friend because we had a really great working relationship prior to this."
"EDIT: when she was contacted by HR she denied everything I told them."
Other Redditors were then asked to judge who was in the wrong in this situation based on the following categories:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
And as you'd probably guess, virtually no one was on the side of OP's boss.
"NTA - your boss has zero right to hit on you, and she will be 100% clear on that point now that she's on another team. You did exactly the right thing." --inzillah
"She also hit on OP in a situation with zero exits, in which she was in full control (literally behind the wheel). Another person might have felt compelled to 'agree' to a relationship out of fear for their safety and then "changed their mind" later, which then sets them up to be accused of 'sending mixed signals'." --saucynoodlelover
"NTA. She took you out, alone, in a car hours away from where you live. Then, in the confines of said car, she confesses her feelings for you. While you're relying on her for a ride home. Where you're basically at her mercy. Like idk why she would think that it was an okay time to do that." --jumpyropes
"NTA"
"What she did and said was inappropriate, and you did the right thing to go to HR. Everyone knows if you swap the sexes here, a male boss telling a younger female subordinate that he finds her attractive and a strong connection is definitely committing sexual harassment, especially in a confined environment like a car. There shouldn't be double standards where it's OK for a woman to do it but not for a man - it's wrong either way."
"Your working relationship prior to it is irrelevant because as you said, this encounter was awkward and uncomfortable and you never know if your relationship will truly go back to normal. You shouldn't have to worry about that every time you go to work, have a performance review, or hope for a promotion." --Weaverfan420
"NTA."
"That's called sexual harassment, and should be reported. She didn't come out and say "sleep with me or else you're fired," but it could so easily have been interpreted that way. It put you in a very vulnerable position." --Osolemia
Hopefully OP has a better experience with his next boss.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.