Losing a loved one—whether it be a family member or a significant other—is one of the most emotionally painful experiences in life.
A grief-stricken Redditor, who has lost two people close to them, experienced the added stress of family drama.
After being confused about making a difficult decision, they visited the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for choosing to go to the funeral of my girlfriend over the funeral for my grandmother?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Very recently my girlfriend passed away. Her parents decided her funeral will be held in about 3 weeks, and I’ve been doing my best to help them with the planning.”
“It’s been a rough time for everyone. My grandmother died in January of 2020, was cremated, and her funeral ceremony was being postponed due to [the virus].”
“My grandmother’s funeral unfortunately falls on the same weekend as my girlfriend’s, and they’re literally across the country from each other.”
“I’ve already had my time to grieve for my grandmother, and with how painful losing my girlfriend has been I’ve decided to go to my girlfriend’s funeral to say my final goodbyes and to support her parents.”
“After I informed my family of everything that has been happening it caused a bit of a rift with them, especially with my dad (my late grandmother’s son).”
“My dad and his side of the family are treating me as some sort of monster for not choosing the funeral for my grandmother, and are basically ostracising me for it. I thought I was making the right decision but I don’t know anymore.”
“I don’t want to ruin the relationship I have with my dad and his family and I did love my grandmother, but I love my girlfriend and her family as well and want to be there for her funeral.”
“AITA?”
Strangers on the internet were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors offered their sympathies and weighed in with their thoughts.
“NTA Just want to jump in here and throw some love and support at you. You’re going through such a rough time and not a single person in your life gets to dictate how you grieve. I would recommend going to your girlfriend’s funeral if that’s what you think is right.
“You are not choosing one person over the other. And your dad and his family aren’t understanding that. They don’t see how important your girlfriend is to you and they are letting their own grief cloud their judgement.”
“What I would recommend doing is asking if there was still a way to participate. Like writing something for a cousin or sibling to say on your behalf or filming yourself saying some words. And asking someone to set up a live stream so you can still watch it is more than enough.”
“I’m also concerned your family is emotionally manipulating you, and this is a time you get to show them that you are able to make your own decisions.”
“You aren’t wrong for going to your girlfriend’s funeral, not in the slightest, but you may be right that it will form a rift. But if they let a rift form over this, it was bound to happen over something else anyway.” – TheTwistedCity
“NTA – if you need closure to go, I think it’s horrible that your father and his family are treating you so badly when this too was someone you truly loved, and like you said, you’ve already come to terms with your grandmother’s death versus someone you just lost and feel raw from.”
“You might always regret not following your heart and giving yourself this time to say a final goodbye if you give into your family’s pressure.” –
“IM SO SORRY that you have too choose like that, and even more so… I am truly sorry for your loss.” – EvocativeEnigma
“I’d prefer to give dad the benefit of the doubt here and just stick with the idea that grief is clouding his judgement.”
“His mom died, and even though it was over a year ago, planning the services is probably opening up the wound for him. When my mom lost her parents it was a really hard time for her. She still cries about it sometimes, because that can be so hard.”
“Dad might feel a bit like OP is choosing the girlfriend over him as well. He may have expected that his son would be there for him in his time of grief, and may be hurt that OP feels like he needs to make a different choice.”
“I really feel for OP here because this is honestly a pretty terrible situation. However I do notice that OP is only considering his own grief for his grandmother, and his own closure.”
“That, of course, is a very important factor here. However I don’t want to discount the other factor, which is supporting his dad. Hopefully OP can have an honest conversation with his father and they can reach an understanding that allows each of them to mourn the way they need to without ruining their relationship with each other.” – ihearttombrady
“I agree it’s a tough situation and we should give everyone the benefit of the doubt but children should not be emotional support animals.”
“Yes, they should support each other through hard times but both OP and dad are going through hard times now and the father is acting like his grief is more important than OP’s.” – Laurelinn
“I agree that it does indeed sound manipulative. And I don’t understand how heartless do they need to be to lash out at you when you’re grieving your girlfriend and have a very valid reason why you can’t attend.”
“Yes, they may be acting irrational because they’re grieving too, but so are you. Don’t let them guilt trip you and do whatever you feel is right. You might regret not attending the girlfriend’s funeral for the rest of your life.” – Laurelinn
“My Granda’s funeral was just last week. Only twenty people were allowed to attend, and none of his kids could be there. Two live abroad and my Mum has to shield.”
“They had the live stream set up and she watched it all – she also had the freedom to have a good cry – and had contributed stories for the reading.”
“Live streaming the grandmother’s ceremony sounds like the best option. The emotional blackmail/manipulation is a definite concern. My Mum is in bits because she misses her Daddy, and she would never do something like that. That’s so not okay.” – BatmanLink
The OP provided an update with some clarifications after expressing gratitude for the “insane amount of support from everyone.”
“It means the world to me to see the love out there, especially for a stranger. Thank you all so much.”
“To clear up some confusion, my grandmother did pass in January of 2020. My grandfather (her husband) didn’t want to have a funeral ceremony unless the whole family could be there so he opted to cremate her and hold off on the ceremony.”
“The funeral was supposed to go in April of 2020, but [the virus] restrictions hit in March and the funeral got postponed longer.”
“My grandfather rescheduled the funeral for April of 2021. I’ve known about this date for a year now, they didn’t deliberately plan the funeral the same weekend as the one for my girlfriend.”
“My girlfriend’s parents were unaware of my grandmother’s funeral, so they didn’t do anything malicious with their planning either.”
Many Redditors agreed the OP’s situation was a tough one and hoped they can come up with some sort of compromise to resolve the conflict with their bereaved father.