Many people try hard to maintain cordial relationships with everyone in their family.
Even if they don't exactly get along.
Sometimes, however, remaining on good (or even speaking) terms with some family members just isn't tenable.
Resulting in the difficult decision to end all contact with them.
However, since they're family, this isn't always possible.
Redditor Wild_Kitchen_2841 had a tough relationship with her older brothers and sisters.
As a result, the original poster (OP) effectively cut them out of her life and was much happier for it.
However, after their elder brother reached a significant milestone, the OP's mother felt that a congratulatory message was necessary.
A message the OP flatly refused to send.
After being called "selfish" by her mother, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for not congratulating my brother and his partner on their marriage?"
The OP explained why she was feeling anything but congratulatory towards her older brother:
"I (33 F[emale]) am the youngest of 4, 2 older brothers (C & R) and an older sister."
"To make an incredibly long story short, they - mainly sister and R - treated me pretty horrifically growing up."
"My sister especially."
"Despite this, as an adult, I have tried many times and failed each time at having a relationship with each of them."
"So now, for the past few years after spending years of trying, I’ve chosen to stop and just don’t engage with any of them unless I have to."
"Thankfully, I live in a completely different county to them all, so contact is extremely limited."
"I got married nearly 3 years ago (we eloped) and had a baby last year."
"C and sister gave wedding gifts after marriage, I think they sent cards after baby’s birth and also sent Christmas gifts."
"R and his partner did none of this."
"No card after marriage or baby, and no gift."
"My baby turns one in a few days and nothing has come in the post for her."
"R did text me over 2 years ago to say a wedding gift was in the works but it’s never appeared, whatever it was."
"I was nearly finished work yesterday, just looking at train times back home, and I got a text from my mother to say R and his long term partner, M, got married."
"They did a registry office marriage in the Netherlands, where they live."
"I was a bit shocked, as they’ve been together for a decade at least and I just thought marriage wasn’t something R at the very least had an interest in."
"I texted my husband the news, and that was it."
"I’ve just went about the rest of my day."
"Hours later, I get another text from her asking if I got her text, and got a text from my father saying the same news around the same time."
"This is very typical of them, and it honestly just pissed me off."
"So I text her back, 'Yes, I got your text, but I honestly don’t really care about the news. What do you expect me to do? F (daughter) hasn’t received a single thing from either of them, no card or gift of any kind in a year. I never got so much as a card after I got married. M has never once texted me congratulating us on F’s birth or on our marriage. So why do I need to do the same for them? I hope this much effort is put into reminding them of these events'."
"She responded, saying I was being stupid and selfish, and a text costs nothing."
"I agree!"
"Pity the same was never said to them!"
"I have been in therapy for the past year and very much hold the belief to put in as much effort to someone as they give me."
"Since they give me no effort, they get none in return."
"But Reddit, AITA for not giving a crap about their marriage?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Everyone agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to congratulate their older brother.
Everyone agreed that the OP's brother was completely unworthy of any congratulations from her, both after the way he treated her and after he ignored her marriage or child, with many wondering why the OP's mother didn't scold the OP's brother as well:
"You’re matching their energy."
"Tell your mom that you’re disappointed in her for not demanding other siblings perform basic acts of decency as well."-BeautifulChaosEnergy
"NTA."
"I'd tell mom 'Yep. Looks like you raised us all the same'."
"It might be worth it just to tell her that you're no more interested in their lives than they are in yours, so she can just skip sharing news going forward."
"And then don't respond to a single thing regarding them."
"If they judge you for it, 'We're not discussing this' and end the conversation."
'You don't have to put up with it to help someone maintain the illusion of one big happy family."- ShannaraRose
"You have a new family now of your own making.'
'I'm sorry you were treated this way growing up."
"I think it's time to let them go and focus on the wonderful things in your future."
"NTA."- Much-Ad2311
'It’s crazy how similar your story is to mine, it is honestly mind-blowing haha, same age, same amount of siblings, I also got married but 1.5 year ago, and also live in another country and my family in the Netherlands and also one of my siblings said they would send something after the marriage but never did."
"That made me pretty upset."
"I totally get you, and especially after your daughter's birth, that’s even more important imo than sending something after the marriage.'
'You are NTAH but i also understand why you feel like that, I would feel the same but i would also totally do the same as you and not send anything to match the energy."- KittyYayaBoo
"NTA, never let then make you feel bad for matching their energy."- RebenLor
"NTA: you don't need that petty bullsh*t in your life."
"Happy birthday to your baby."
"Your brother treated your appallingly when you were a child, as did your sister, but at least your older sister has been trying."- vewywascallywabbit
"Parents do this. I have a very difficult sibling with whom I have had low contact for most of my adult life."
"I was polite and courteous when we saw each other once every few years."
"My mom constantly tried to get me to send gifts for every occasion and to contact them."
"I did for many years until I found myself spending a fortune mailing them presents when they had never once sent anything to me or my kids."
"I finally dropped the rope."
"Parents will pressure the non difficult kid 'to keep the peace' or to get over it because 'you know what they're like'."
"When my mom was on hospice dying at 85, she pressured me really hard to promise her I would stay in contact and be close to him."
"I finally had to tell her that I wouldn't lie to her on her deathbed."
"That he treated me horribly and that I didn't keep people in my life who treated me badly."
"She just sighed and said 'I know. I know what he's like'."
"And she stopped bugging me about him."
"NTA."- butterflygardyn
"I’d tell your mom her same words about her being stupid and selfish for thinking it is your responsibility to reach out when the other never has."- sog96
"You already know you are NTA and congratulations on building a beautiful new and hopefully less dysfunctional family!"- No-Philosopher8042
"NTA."
"Next time (because we all know there will be one) just respond with a: 'Good for them'(good news); 'Oh, that sucks' (bad news); or 'Good to know' (indifferent news)."
"Then move on."
"Doesn’t actually show you care for their lives just acknowledging the type of news passed on."- KatzRLife
"NTA."
"Seems like you're respecting their boundary and not concerning yourself with their life like they do for yours."
"Also, good for you for telling your parents, 'Did you put this much effort into reminding them about my events?' because we all know they probably didn't."
"Protect your peace."- concernedreader1982
No parent likes to see their children on bad terms with one another.
Even so, one can't help but wonder why the OP's parents made no effort to stop her older siblings' horrific behavior towards her.
Sadly, it seems that the OP might want to seriously consider limiting her contact with her parents as well.
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