Anyone who did not have the best relationship with their parents growing up might imagine what it would be like to have to return the favor for them in old age.
Quite frankly, a lot of people would rather provide money for care than invite their elderly parents into their homes, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor SweetLustRose had spent her childhood mistreated by her mother and even continued to be disparaged by her when she moved out as an adult.
But because she was the only girl in the family, the Original Poster (OP) was pressured to take her mother in to care for her when she could no longer care for herself.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to care for my aging mother after everything she put me through growing up?”
The OP did not have a good relationship with her mother.
“My mother (60 Female) was never what you’d call ‘nurturing.’ Growing up, I was the ‘difficult’ child, or at least, that’s what she always said. I didn’t fit the mold of what she wanted.”
“While my siblings were praised for even the smallest achievements, I was constantly criticized, told I’d never measure up, and had my self-esteem torn down bit by bit.”
“She’d make snide remarks about my appearance, my friends, and even my interests, calling them ‘silly’ or ‘a waste of time.'”
“For years, I felt like I was in a competition I could never win.”
Their relationship did not improve when the OP moved out.
“I moved out at 21, and that’s when I finally started to heal. I went to therapy, worked on building a life I was proud of, and limited contact with her to family gatherings and polite phone calls.”
“Despite everything, I tried to maintain some level of connection, hoping one day she’d acknowledge the damage she’d done.”
“But it never came. Instead, whenever we spoke, she’d criticize my choices or give backhanded compliments about my lifestyle or career.”
“She’d say things like, ‘It’s nice you’re doing well, even if you took the long way to get there.'”
The family insisted that the OP take responsibility for her mother.
“Now, my mother’s health is declining, and she can’t live alone.”
“My siblings, each with young kids, are asking me to take her in. They insist that since I don’t have children, I’m the ‘logical choice’ and owe it to her for everything she ‘sacrificed.'”
“But when I think about caring for her, all I remember is the pain she put me through.”
“I remember her telling me I’d never amount to anything, that I was a burden.”
“It’s hard to feel compassion after years of emotional wounds she never apologized for, much less acknowledged.”
The OP immediately set a boundary with them.
“I told my siblings I’d help financially if she needed support but wouldn’t be her primary caregiver.”
“They’re furious, saying I’m selfish, bitter, and abandoning her over ‘grudges.'”
“They keep bringing up how she ‘raised’ me, but it doesn’t feel like I was ever truly raised, more that I survived.”
“Now, my mother’s been calling, leaving tearful voicemails, saying she’s lonely and doesn’t understand why her ‘only daughter’ won’t step up.”
“Part of me feels guilty, but I also feel like I’m finally standing up for myself. I don’t know if I’m being cruel or if this is me setting long-overdue boundaries.”
“AITAH for refusing to care for her?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some immediately clocked the “only daughter” comment.
“The ‘only daughter’ comment is telling. She probably treated you so poorly do to your cardinal sin of being born a girl (sarcastic comment).”
“And your siblings (brothers, I assume) are pressuring you to care for her because you’re a girl.”
“NTA. Stand firm.” – nepheleb
“The OP wrote, ‘I’m the ‘logical choice’ and owe it to her for everything she ‘sacrificed.'”
“People don’t ask to be born. If she sacrificed, that was on her. You are not required to take care of her just because she had kids, and after what you tell us about her, I don’t blame you.”
“So, just because your siblings have kids, now you are the one who has to deal with this? No. Your siblings can take her in.”
“Just because someone is related to you, doesn’t mean you have to like them or care for them. Live your best life.” – Horror_Outside5676
“You agreed to help pay! If she wants her only daughter to help, she should have thought about it. Why make your presumptive caretaker feel bad? It is a difficult spot.”
“You can do the grey rocking and just deflect. You do not seem like the passive-aggressive type, but you could just tell them that your mother made her bed and you do not feel like putting yourself through it again. As in old grudges implies that they are not ongoing.” – DionysOtDiosece
“If OP is so horrible and inept, Mommy dearest’s elder care should not fall into such reckless hands.”
“OP needs to lean hard into the image Mommy has painted of them and refuse. Twist that right back on her.”
“When they say, ‘We need you to do X, OP…’ then OP should respond that they cannot as they are not capable per their mother’s own words. Repeat as necessary.”
“If the other siblings cannot step up, well, it is time to consult an attorney, spend down what she can, and go into a nursing home and hope Medicare kicks in.”
“OP needs to protect their peace. OP does not owe Mommy dearest a single thing… except maybe the bill from their therapist they needed to unscrew their head from the years of gaslighting and abuse.” – Scorp128
“They have the nerve to demand OP to take her mom in and be her full-time carer, but they’re not offering any money to contribute to their mom’s care? And yet people want to have boys, ugh.”
“OP’s mom treated them better and gave them all the help, time, money, and all of the advantages she could provide to them, and they’re so grateful that they won’t provide care for their dear mama. This is their chance to reciprocate their mom, the brothers should take advantage of it.” – dystopianpirate
“Didn’t that mom raise all of the children so according to the other siblings, so they owe her as well. OP doesn’t owe more because the other sibs think so. Other sibs are just trying to get out of the obligation that they feel by putting it on OP.”
“Combine finances and put mom in an adult living arrangement like an assisted apartment situation. Mom would have lots of neighbors and some limited assistance when needed. If mom is eligible, other aid would kick in to help financially.” – happycamber44m
Others agreed and urged the OP to hold her boundaries.
“Don’t let anyone guilt you into sacrificing your own happiness for someone who has repeatedly hurt you.” – alsomikenolan
“I would UNO reverse her so hard.”
“‘Well, Mom said I’d never amount to anything, so it’s best we not put her in my incapable hands.”
“‘I’d only be a burden to her in her old age.'”
“Oh, wouldn’t grandma be happier being around all those grandbabies?! Plus, think of all the free babysitting and afterschool care you’d get by giving up a bedroom!” – Commercial_Education
“I see a lot of myself in the OP’s post. NTA.”
“When my family member made a plea for help, I couldn’t help but think about their past behavior. I said, ‘You mean the grandkid you were abusive to, or the other two you ignored and never called? Or maybe you’re referring to all three, whom you would steal photos of from Facebook or make people think you were at their events until I started watermarking the pictures?'”
“I also brought up how they had refused to acknowledge their narcissistic behavior and how it had affected me.”
“They quickly hung up the phone and called another sister, asking her to come help. Later, my sister asked me why they didn’t ask me for help instead. I explained that they had asked me, but I had requested that they answer some questions and apologize for their past actions.”
“They refused, and it seemed they would rather ask my sister to move in with them than take responsibility for their behavior. I’m sensing the same from the OP’s FAMILY, not just mother.” – ShanLuvs2Read
“The so-called tearful messages are just fake crocodile tear garbage.”
“OP has no obligation to put up with the narcissistic mental/emotional abuse from that egg donor.”
“It would be best that OP has that toxic pos put into a nursing home and really cut ties.”
“OP, please remember that narcissists refuse to take responsibility for their actions.”
“If OP caves to the guilt bombing, she can absolutely, 100% rest assured that her mother will abandon her fakery and crank up the nasty once she’s embedded into OP’s life.”
“I’ve sadly seen it happen many times. One moment of weakness that OP would live to regret forever.”
“OP should RUN.” – busyshrew
“Her mum literally told her she’d never amount to anything and she’s just meant to brush that all aside for what? She has done the most gracious offer by promising to help with her cut with financial help, anything beyond that would be her going out of her way for a pursuit that would most likely be detrimental to her. NTA.” – xxxsexynerdette
“Likely mom would revert to her innate personality, criticizing and finding fault with OP. People usually don’t get more easy-going as they get older. OP escaped and healed. Why would she go back into the lion’s den? Actions have consequences.” – Scrapper-Mom
The subReddit was disgusted on the OP’s behalf and felt she had every right to turn down the “opportunity” to take care of her mother. It seemed that her brothers should be more than willing and that even the presence of children would improve her health.
Actions have consequences, and it seems a childhood and early adulthood of not being cared for by a parent would not lead the adult child to want to take care of their parent in their advanced age. Imagine that.