Trauma can be very difficult to manage, and the healing process takes a long time.
For some, it’s especially difficult when it involves the loss of a loved one.
That sort of trauma is built out of grief.
A double whammy.
This can make some situations uncomfortable.
Redditor MischiefManageFramer wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
“AITA for refusing to call my friend’s baby by their legal name?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I feel bad and I feel like I am… but long story short my friend named her newborn a name that is a trigger to my P[ost]-T[raumatic] S[tress] D[isorder].”
“I guess this is a name she had chosen many years ago, but I asked if I could call her a nickname I have heard used for that name.”
“She said yes, and gave the nickname she only wants used… that is also a trigger word for the same reason.
“The person went by the nickname more often.”
“I suggested another one again kindly, and she said no.”
“I decided to just say ‘little one’ for now in hopes I can get enough therapy to help out (mind you it’s been a long time coming already).”
“I asked how ‘the little one’ was doing and my friend demanded I say her baby’s name.”
“I didn’t know really how to respond.”
“I said the name but immediately had a negative reaction, and I had a full-blown anxiety attack.”
“My friend told me to get over myself, and that the world doesn’t revolve around my trauma, and that this is her kid.”
“I want to improve but don’t know how long this will take.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“But also AITA for suggesting a nickname that is normal or to just say ‘little one?'”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“I feel for you.”
“Your situation sounds awful, and I’m so very sorry about the miscarriage.”
“However, you say that this name is one of the top 150 currently, this means you’re going to come across it in life, and people aren’t always going to react sympathetically to your need to call them by a nickname instead – work/employment situations, for example.”
“I don’t think you can be called an a-hole for a physiological response however you can’t always expect people to accommodate your trauma either.”
“Good luck to you.” ~ AvalonWood
“I do sympathize with your trauma but she’s right, the world doesn’t need to accommodate you.”
“You said therapy is a long time coming and that’s your own decision-making, you could have started therapy before now and you chose not to, start now!”
“Go get therapy, maybe some medicine for your panic attacks, and if you truly can’t stand to say this baby’s name, take a break from the relationship while you work on this.” ~ otisandme
“I think you’re overthinking this situation, it won’t hurt the baby to be called by a different nickname or ‘little one,’ in fact, people do it all the time.”
“I think if someone called the OP’s friend’s baby a different nickname just because they wanted to, that ‘friend’ wouldn’t be picking on them so much.”
“Clearly, the friend just wants to make the OP feel uncomfortable.” ~ Icy-G3425
“I don’t know that anyone is the a**hole, but your friend is right that you can’t just make up a nickname for her child because you have unresolved issues from your past.
“It’s her baby’s name.” ~ Haunting-Nebula-1685
“You’re so right.”
“I’d say I’m amazed at the number of people screaming that the baby is being dehumanized when its mother has been offered very reasonable accommodation so they don’t upset their friend.”
“I’m not shocked at all.”
“Also, the baby doesn’t give a monkey’s butt if its name gets used.”
“It’s a baby.”
“You could call it Sewage.”
“It will not care.”
“NTA OP, but your friend is.” ~ FlamingCabbage91
“There are so many people who call full-grown adults ‘dude,’ ‘buddy,’ ‘my man/girl/friend, etc,’ ‘shorty’ I could go on for days.”
“Some as terms of endearment, some because there are those of us that are just really bad at remembering people’s names, and others because certain words trigger their anxiety and PTSD.”
“But it happens all day every day.”
“It isn’t ‘dehumanizing’ to call an infant ‘the baby’ or ‘little one’ or ‘bundle of joy’ even.”
“This mom has thin skin for no reason while she forces someone she supposedly cares about to have panic attacks to suit her wants, not needs.”
“I don’t know who raised y’all, but a little consideration for someone’s actual NEEDS is more important than mom’s feelings here.”
“I would say she doesn’t value their friendship very much if she wants to force someone with PTSD, who is in therapy, to say a word that has been communicated to her as a trigger.”
“OP is trying to find a solution while ‘friend’ is being intentionally obtuse. NTA OP.”
“Parents can name their kids whatever they want.”
“That doesn’t mean you have to put your mental health in harm’s way to placate them.”
“The entitlement is astounding.” ~ Lazy-Instruction-600
“As a family friend often says, ‘Your mental health is not your fault, but it IS your responsibility to manage. It is an explanation, not an excuse.'”
“I feel for OP, I truly do.”
“But speaking as someone with significant trauma and mental health issues as a consequence of it AND as a parent- if simply hearing a name that you KNOW is attached to a completely different individual that has NOTHING to do with the source of your trauma is enough to trigger a panic attack of that magnitude.”
“You are NOT getting the level of help and care that you need for your situation.”
“OP mentioned they’ve been in therapy for this in another comment, but I question if that therapy/therapist is working as well as they should be or if OP is putting in as much as they need to for it to be effective.”
“Again, I get it- it’s hard, it’s painful, and it is EXHAUSTING to work through trauma.”
“But if this is having this big of an impact on her life to the point where she cannot hear or say the name, that’s… extreme.” ~ ElephantUndertheRug
“NAH here.”
“This happened to my brother when my cousin was born.”
“He was really upset about it, but he loved this baby, and a few months later he said… you know, it’s actually kind of nice that this name has a new meaning for me now.”
“It’s not evil anymore. The baby changed that. I hope this happens for you, too.” ~ Upandawaytolalaland
“That’s what I’m assuming would happen, as OP gets more and more exposure to the name.”
“What the heck is wrong with a term of endearment while they get used to the name being used way more around them?”
“The same people that are all about sensitivity suddenly throw that out the window when it comes to a baby being called ‘little one’ 🙄 OP didn’t say it would be forever, just to have something to use now while attending therapy.”
“It took me about 4-6 months to get used to hearing and saying a name that brought on horrible memories, but eventually those reactions did decrease from the exposure and it being associated with a much better person, which would be similar here, I believe.” ~ ilovemelongtime
“NAH, but, speaking as someone who’s recovered from truly debilitating PTSD, this is an indicator of how much your trauma is affecting your ability to function.”
“I mean this gently: what you’re asking is unreasonable, and you shouldn’t expect the world to adapt to you.”
“PTSD is an illness for which you can get support to reduce its effect on you and your life.”
“Trauma-focused therapy changed my life, and I cannot recommend it highly enough.”
“I’m so, so much happier now, and most of my triggers set off mild concern these days, not full-blown panic attacks.”
“I hope you find therapeutic support to help you minimize your symptoms.” ~ aphraea
“NTA… it is time for you to step back with a ‘I’m sorry we have come to this crossroads, I have tried to compromise and even buy myself some time to work at therapy so I could do better.'”
“‘You have made it clear that this is a non-negotiable issue for you so I must step away as I cannot deal with that trigger being in my everyday life.'”
“‘It is time to live your life from afar as I have to respect myself first and foremost.’ Letter…” ~ xxBree89xx
“NAH. Look, it’s upsetting when somebody mucks up your child’s name or can’t be bothered to say it correctly, which is probably how your friend sees this situation.”
“It’s probably time to take a break from the relationship if you cannot tolerate saying their child’s name.” ~ International-Fee255
“Nobody is the AH, but it’s on you to find a solution that doesn’t involve changing someone else’s name.”
“If someone has a bad experience with a guy called ‘John’ would they refuse to say that name for the rest of time?”
“I’m sorry about your trauma, but this is something you need to work on in therapy or else it will extremely limit the rest of your life.” ~ WinterGirl91
“NTA… no the world doesn’t revolve around you but it doesn’t revolve around her and her kid – who has no f**king clue what its name is yet – so her lack of compassion is gross.”
“You’re not some M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] who is making up a nickname because you don’t agree with the name choice.”
“It caused a panic attack.”
“Hopefully, this is just new mom hormones, and she’ll simmer down on the intensity of no nicknames ever, or you may have to limit contact with this friend.” ~ CaffeinatedReader909
“NTA. Your friend is an a**hole.”
“And your friend is not your friend.”
“Anyone whose response to a panic attack is to tell the person to ‘get over their self’ and that ‘the world doesn’t revolve around their trauma’ is severely lacking in empathy and compassion.”
“You will be a lot better off if you cut this person out of your life.”
“Also, with kindness, remember that PTSD is often treatable.”
“I’m not saying your behavior is a problem. It’s perfectly valid.”
“Just you may be happier if you get treatment that helps you cope with triggers so you don’t have to suffer a full-blown anxiety attack. Hugs.” ~ SqueekyOwl
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
It’s great that you’re aware that you need help processing this trauma.
Hopefully, your friend will come around and give you the time you need to work this through.
Good luck.