Trauma can be very difficult to manage, and the healing process takes a long time.
For some, it's especially difficult when it involves the loss of a loved one.
That sort of trauma is built out of grief.
A double whammy.
This can make some situations uncomfortable.
Redditor MischiefManageFramer wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for refusing to call my friend's baby by their legal name?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I feel bad and I feel like I am… but long story short my friend named her newborn a name that is a trigger to my P[ost]-T[raumatic] S[tress] D[isorder]."
"I guess this is a name she had chosen many years ago, but I asked if I could call her a nickname I have heard used for that name."
"She said yes, and gave the nickname she only wants used… that is also a trigger word for the same reason.
"The person went by the nickname more often."
"I suggested another one again kindly, and she said no."
"I decided to just say 'little one' for now in hopes I can get enough therapy to help out (mind you it's been a long time coming already)."
"I asked how 'the little one' was doing and my friend demanded I say her baby's name."
"I didn't know really how to respond."
"I said the name but immediately had a negative reaction, and I had a full-blown anxiety attack."
"My friend told me to get over myself, and that the world doesn't revolve around my trauma, and that this is her kid."
"I want to improve but don't know how long this will take."
The OP was left to wonder:
"But also AITA for suggesting a nickname that is normal or to just say 'little one?'"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"I feel for you."
"Your situation sounds awful, and I'm so very sorry about the miscarriage."
"However, you say that this name is one of the top 150 currently, this means you're going to come across it in life, and people aren't always going to react sympathetically to your need to call them by a nickname instead - work/employment situations, for example."
"I don't think you can be called an a-hole for a physiological response however you can't always expect people to accommodate your trauma either."
"Good luck to you." ~ AvalonWood
"I do sympathize with your trauma but she's right, the world doesn't need to accommodate you."
"You said therapy is a long time coming and that's your own decision-making, you could have started therapy before now and you chose not to, start now!"
"Go get therapy, maybe some medicine for your panic attacks, and if you truly can't stand to say this baby's name, take a break from the relationship while you work on this." ~ otisandme
"I think you're overthinking this situation, it won't hurt the baby to be called by a different nickname or 'little one,' in fact, people do it all the time."
"I think if someone called the OP's friend's baby a different nickname just because they wanted to, that 'friend' wouldn't be picking on them so much."
"Clearly, the friend just wants to make the OP feel uncomfortable." ~ Icy-G3425
"I don't know that anyone is the a**hole, but your friend is right that you can't just make up a nickname for her child because you have unresolved issues from your past.
"It's her baby's name." ~ Haunting-Nebula-1685
"You're so right."
"I'd say I'm amazed at the number of people screaming that the baby is being dehumanized when its mother has been offered very reasonable accommodation so they don't upset their friend."
"I'm not shocked at all."
"Also, the baby doesn't give a monkey's butt if its name gets used."
"It's a baby."
"You could call it Sewage."
"It will not care."
"NTA OP, but your friend is." ~ FlamingCabbage91
"There are so many people who call full-grown adults 'dude,' 'buddy,' 'my man/girl/friend, etc,' 'shorty' I could go on for days."
"Some as terms of endearment, some because there are those of us that are just really bad at remembering people's names, and others because certain words trigger their anxiety and PTSD."
"But it happens all day every day."
"It isn't 'dehumanizing' to call an infant 'the baby' or 'little one' or 'bundle of joy' even."
"This mom has thin skin for no reason while she forces someone she supposedly cares about to have panic attacks to suit her wants, not needs."
"I don't know who raised y'all, but a little consideration for someone's actual NEEDS is more important than mom's feelings here."
"I would say she doesn't value their friendship very much if she wants to force someone with PTSD, who is in therapy, to say a word that has been communicated to her as a trigger."
"OP is trying to find a solution while 'friend' is being intentionally obtuse. NTA OP."
"Parents can name their kids whatever they want."
"That doesn't mean you have to put your mental health in harm's way to placate them."
"The entitlement is astounding." ~ Lazy-Instruction-600
"As a family friend often says, 'Your mental health is not your fault, but it IS your responsibility to manage. It is an explanation, not an excuse.'"
"I feel for OP, I truly do."
"But speaking as someone with significant trauma and mental health issues as a consequence of it AND as a parent- if simply hearing a name that you KNOW is attached to a completely different individual that has NOTHING to do with the source of your trauma is enough to trigger a panic attack of that magnitude."
"You are NOT getting the level of help and care that you need for your situation."
"OP mentioned they've been in therapy for this in another comment, but I question if that therapy/therapist is working as well as they should be or if OP is putting in as much as they need to for it to be effective."
"Again, I get it- it's hard, it's painful, and it is EXHAUSTING to work through trauma."
"But if this is having this big of an impact on her life to the point where she cannot hear or say the name, that's... extreme." ~ ElephantUndertheRug
"NAH here."
"This happened to my brother when my cousin was born."
"He was really upset about it, but he loved this baby, and a few months later he said... you know, it's actually kind of nice that this name has a new meaning for me now."
"It's not evil anymore. The baby changed that. I hope this happens for you, too." ~ Upandawaytolalaland
"That's what I'm assuming would happen, as OP gets more and more exposure to the name."
"What the heck is wrong with a term of endearment while they get used to the name being used way more around them?"
"The same people that are all about sensitivity suddenly throw that out the window when it comes to a baby being called 'little one' 🙄 OP didn't say it would be forever, just to have something to use now while attending therapy."
"It took me about 4-6 months to get used to hearing and saying a name that brought on horrible memories, but eventually those reactions did decrease from the exposure and it being associated with a much better person, which would be similar here, I believe." ~ ilovemelongtime
"NAH, but, speaking as someone who's recovered from truly debilitating PTSD, this is an indicator of how much your trauma is affecting your ability to function."
"I mean this gently: what you're asking is unreasonable, and you shouldn't expect the world to adapt to you."
"PTSD is an illness for which you can get support to reduce its effect on you and your life."
"Trauma-focused therapy changed my life, and I cannot recommend it highly enough."
"I'm so, so much happier now, and most of my triggers set off mild concern these days, not full-blown panic attacks."
"I hope you find therapeutic support to help you minimize your symptoms." ~ aphraea
"NTA... it is time for you to step back with a 'I'm sorry we have come to this crossroads, I have tried to compromise and even buy myself some time to work at therapy so I could do better.'"
"'You have made it clear that this is a non-negotiable issue for you so I must step away as I cannot deal with that trigger being in my everyday life.'"
"'It is time to live your life from afar as I have to respect myself first and foremost.' Letter..." ~ xxBree89xx
"NAH. Look, it's upsetting when somebody mucks up your child's name or can't be bothered to say it correctly, which is probably how your friend sees this situation."
"It's probably time to take a break from the relationship if you cannot tolerate saying their child's name." ~ International-Fee255
"Nobody is the AH, but it's on you to find a solution that doesn't involve changing someone else's name."
"If someone has a bad experience with a guy called 'John' would they refuse to say that name for the rest of time?"
"I'm sorry about your trauma, but this is something you need to work on in therapy or else it will extremely limit the rest of your life." ~ WinterGirl91
"NTA... no the world doesn't revolve around you but it doesn't revolve around her and her kid - who has no f**king clue what its name is yet - so her lack of compassion is gross."
"You're not some M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] who is making up a nickname because you don't agree with the name choice."
"It caused a panic attack."
"Hopefully, this is just new mom hormones, and she'll simmer down on the intensity of no nicknames ever, or you may have to limit contact with this friend." ~ CaffeinatedReader909
"NTA. Your friend is an a**hole."
"And your friend is not your friend."
"Anyone whose response to a panic attack is to tell the person to 'get over their self' and that 'the world doesn't revolve around their trauma' is severely lacking in empathy and compassion."
"You will be a lot better off if you cut this person out of your life."
"Also, with kindness, remember that PTSD is often treatable."
"I'm not saying your behavior is a problem. It's perfectly valid."
"Just you may be happier if you get treatment that helps you cope with triggers so you don't have to suffer a full-blown anxiety attack. Hugs." ~ SqueekyOwl
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
It's great that you're aware that you need help processing this trauma.
Hopefully, your friend will come around and give you the time you need to work this through.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp