Kids need constant supervision.
When left to their own devices, they tend to get… messy.
They have a knack for getting food EVERYWHERE!
This can be an issue when visiting someone else’s home.
Redditor ThoughtIndividual114 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for responding tersely to a SIL’s rebuke over email?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Sunday evening, we (me F[emale] 46, husband M[ale] 46, and daughter F 7) were invited to visit my husband’s sister for dinner.”
“She put out a spread of delicious food for adults, but our child rejected most of it (Curried fish, eggplant salad, quinoa salad, etc).”
“Child wolfed down multiple pieces of a very crumbly bread loaf from a bakery.”
“Child knew that she was spilling some crumbs onto the floor beneath the dining room table, but didn’t think much about it; we (parents) were in a group conversation and did not notice.”
“Admittedly, we could have and should have checked the floor afterward, noticed, and cleaned it up.”
“We thanked her and hugged goodbye and left at 7.”
“At 11 pm, we get an email from her informing us that she discovered that (in her assumption) our daughter swept lots of bread crumbs from her chair down onto the floor, and that this is extremely unacceptable behavior and that S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] had to vacuum it up.”
“SIL would have told our child to vacuum it if SIL had seen it.”
“SIL says this is not the first time she has observed our child leaving ‘garbage’ on the floor without cleaning it up; she said this is completely unacceptable (in MY home, at least.)”
“Moreover, SIL wants to address this directly with our child in addition to telling us we need to correct this bad behavior.”
“It was three paragraphs of histrionics over this, and no small amount of shaming us as parents.”
“We spoke with our 7-year-old, who said she ate a lot of bread and knew it was making crumbs, but she didn’t sweep them onto the floor; they just happened while eating.”
“We spoke gently about being a considerate guest.”
“No big deal.”
“I, however, was quite shocked and offended by the intensity of judgment and shaming in SIL’s email to us.”
“I waited 24 hours, then simply wrote:”
“Apologies. We spoke with her.”
“Thank you.”
“Now, my husband is saying I ‘went nuclear’ with my response, and SIL is angry about it.”
“That reply is indeed a completely different tone and terseness than my normal communication style, and the terseness was intentional.”
“But why am I now the villain when, if anybody went nuclear here, it was SIL who flipped out over finding a bunch of bread crumbs on the floor under where a 7-year-old child sat at her table?”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Who ITA here?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“She wanted to summon a 7-year-old for a lecture on bread crumbs, and your reply is nuclear?”
“Your husband needs to get his priorities straight.”
“And I would keep an eye on her next time she’s around your child and would absolutely not allow this ‘addressing’ she is so eager for.” ~ Ok_Homework_7621
“He sure does!”
“Goodness, an Adult could have easily caused bread crumbs to fall on the floor!”
“What kind of person goes ballistic over breadcrumbs from a seven-year-old??”
“I would not let her near my daughter.”
“I would be having QUITE the talk with my husband, and I would never set foot in SIL’s house again.”
“And as a hostess, I would have checked ahead with the parents to see if the food was going to be ok for a seven-year-old and prepared something child-friendly. NTA.” ~ Capable_Restaurant11
“Vacuuming after having a bunch of guests over isn’t out of the norm for cleaning up after hosting.”
“Nor was there anything ‘nuclear’ about your response to her email?”
“You literally apologized and said you spoke to her.”
“If your response is nuclear, then what exactly is your SIL’s email?”
“NTA, though it sounds like you also have a husband problem along with a SIL problem.”
“Who doesn’t have a single child-friendly food other than an entire bread loaf that couldn’t even be cut up for her?” ~ Beautiful-Ad-7616
“Your SIL wrote a whole manifesto over some crumbs like she’s running a Michelin-star restaurant, not hosting a family dinner.”
“Your reply was perfectly fine and honestly restrained.”
“If anything, you gave her less drama than she deserved. NTA.” ~ casualnerding
“NTA. Who on earth gets upset about having to hoover after having guests, especially children, around to eat?”
“I would point out to your husband that if SIL does approach your child about this, he will learn what the meaning of ‘going nuclear’ is.” ~ ScallyGirl
“NTA. Why is it okay for HER to go nuclear?”
“Your response is unemotional and to the point.”
“You apologized and took action.”
“Problem solved.”
“Her problem is that you blocked her anger, so it stays with her, which made her angrier.”
“Energy has to go somewhere, but just because someone wants to give it to you doesn’t mean you have to take it.”
“She’s trying to give it to your husband to give to you.”
“If your husband wants to take it, that’s up to him, but then he has to hold it, not you.”
“And you did well by not giving it to your child.”
“Yay Mom!!!” ~ crfgee5x
“LOL, NTA.”
‘I’m amazed that your husband thought YOU went nuclear and not his sister?”
“‘Your daughter leaves garbage on the floor’, ‘this is unacceptable behaviour’, etc, is FAR more ‘nuclear’ than your quick response.”
“She’s a 7-year-old.”
“She was served crusty bread.”
“She ate crusty bread.”
“Messes happen.”
“Vacuuming is needed.”
“One thing I’d be doing for damn sure is pulling out the vacuum the very instant SIL or anyone in her family dropped a crumb onto the floor.”
“But I’m Tom Petty.”
“I’d be questioning your husband, though.”
“Leave the responding to him, to his own sister, about his own daughter.”
“Also, leave the ‘talking to daughter’ and monitoring her for crumbs every time you’re at SIL’s house from now on, too.”
“Nuclear. That’s rich.” ~ LiveKindly01
“NTA. She served crumbly bread, and some crumbs got onto the floor.”
“She shouldn’t have guests if she can’t stand to run the vacuum cleaner for two minutes.”
“I’ll bet writing the email was more time-consuming than the vacuuming process.”
“You certainly didn’t go nuclear.”
“I would think that would include some sort of insult and name-calling and a vow to never darken her doorstep or speak to her, etc… you were curt and concise and gave her comment more respect than it deserved.” ~ ExcellentReason6468
“NTA. What your husband and SIL mean by ‘nuclear’ is that you did not validate SIL’s feelings and concerns.”
“Instead, you did what SIL had literally asked of you, which was to talk to your kid about it.”
“This email and reaction weren’t about your kid; your SIL wanted you to empathize with her nonsense.”
“And bravo for not taking the bait!” ~ LowAdvisor9274
“You went nuclear?”
“No. You did not.”
“Obviously, your SIL was expecting you to grovel because, gasp, your child left crumbs (crumbs!) under the dining table.”
“And your husband sounds like a spineless twerp who can’t stand up for his wife or child.”
“NTA. Next time you go, unload your vacuum cleaner from the car and make liberal use of it during the meal.”
“She’s not the only one who gets to be ridiculous.” ~ Moose-Live
“These people have a very strange definition of nuclear when your SIL was flying off every handle there is, and you responded in the most calm way ever.”
“I would have actually shown her what nuclear is, so you’re a better person than I am. NTA.”
“People need to understand children and mistakes, and they need to relax.”
“You are for sure NTA.” ~ Shot_Degree4964
“What exactly is ‘nuclear’ about your response?”
“Is it because you didn’t grovel?”
“It’s unacceptable to try to discipline someone else’s child.”
“Outside of true unsafe/bad parenting.”
“It’s unacceptable to provide messy food to kids and then expect them not to make a mess.”
“It’s unacceptable to see a pattern of children leaving ‘garbage’ in your home, not say something, and then explode with what seems like repressed rage.”
“Your SIL is entitled and overstepping. Your response was perfect for acknowledging her feelings without placating a temper tantrum of someone that I assume is supposed to be an adult.”
“Keep her away from your kid, and never go for dinner again. NTA.” ~ Floating-Cynic
“NTA. You gave a simple response.”
“It’s not your fault if SIL is reading more into it.”
“It wasn’t nuclear.”
“Nuclear would have been sending a response, having a go at her for berating a 7-year-old about some crumbs, saying you were bad parents, telling her she’s a stuck-up, controlling B who would rather waste energy on an email rather than spending 30 seconds hoovering.”
“Serve crumbly bread, expect crumbs.” ~ Fioreborn
“NTA. So glad your husband isn’t mine because if that reply is offensive, then he and his entire family are so stupid it’s truly only the autonomic nervous system keeping them alive.” ~ Bubbly_Yak_8605
“NTA, you’re better than me, I would have just emailed back, ‘you’re crazy, don’t worry, we won’t be coming over anymore.'”
“Next time you’re at her house, bring a bag of breadcrumbs and sprinkle them liberally.” ~ IAmJustAHusk
“NTA, and watch over your child when you’re around SIL like a HAWK from now on.”
“In fact, if I were in your situation, I might reconsider spending time over there since it’s clearly a problem.” ~ Realistic-Weird-4259
Reddit is on your side, OP.
You and your husband recognize that you should’ve been paying a little more attention.
You spoke with your child about her actions.
Your SIL does not have the right to scold your child personally.
You responded calmly to the situation.
Stand your ground.
Good Luck.