Having a roommate is such a common part of life these days.
Rent and utilities prices are out of control.
So splitting finances can be a lifesaver.
And when people find a perfect setup financially, they'll often fight tooth and nail to keep it.
Redditor Aitabeki wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for refusing to move out even though my roommate is 7 months pregnant?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hi guys, last week my roommate Becca found out she is not only pregnant but seven months along."
"She texted me that we had to talk today, and I assumed she would be moving out soon for more space when the baby comes."
"Instead she told me I have to move out to make space for the nursery and her B[aby] D[addy] to move in."
"I'm on a terrible salary and cannot afford to live anywhere else. Plus, she wants me to move out right now so she can prepare for the baby."
"Even if I wanted to move out now, the apartment rentals in my area are either too expensive or well below living standards so I don't want to move."
"She went absolutely crazy the moment I told her I wouldn't move out, because I'm ruining her motherhood experience by not letting her family live together."
"I pay rent here, and my name is on the lease until at least the end of the year."
"I'm not gonna pull out of the lease, and I told her that if she wants her little family together, then she should move, and I'll find someone to half the cheap rent with."
"That made her start crying and saying how I just want to ruin her life to the point her baby daddy had to console her and tell me to get out of their way already.'
"I've not heard her stop crying since, but I think I'm totally valid, and I don't want to leave."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for not wanting to move out?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. You're on the lease and pay rent. She can't kick you out whenever she feels like it."
"You should definitely report her to the landlord or leasing office for trying to evict you illegally and also make it clear that you don't plan to move out in case she tries to go behind your back to tell them you said you're leaving so her baby daddy is taking over the lease."
"I'd also complain about her essentially moving in her baby daddy without your consent."
"You may have a clause about excessive overnight guests." ~ Zealousideal-Divide6
"At 7 months, you're showing there is no way she did not know, so she's lying, or she's lying."
"The only question is which lie is she telling, NTA." ~ mdigi31
"NTA. Your name is on the lease, and you both live there."
"The audacity to tell you to move out is outrageous. 😭" ~ REDDIT
"1- Seven months pregnant and no baby bump?"
"2- Baby Daddy still living at home?"
"3- Baby Daddy spending half his time sleeping in your apartment?"
"4- Cheap rent?"
"Sounds like Baby Daddy hates living with mommy but can't afford a place of his own."
"He's got a girlfriend who has a place where he spends most of his time rent-free."
'If they make your life miserable enough they push you out and he moves in with the benefit of rent cheap enough he no longer has to live with mommy."
"I doubt she's pregnant, and he's tired of living at his mom's house."
"Stay your ground."
"She can't evict you. Your name is on the lease."
"'Is her name on the lease?"
"Who moved into the place first?"
"In any event, you'll find out if she's really pregnant before your lease is up at the end of the year."
"Seven months pregnant and not showing yet?"
"What took her so long to tell you?"
"You'd think she would've told you at least four months ago or at least when she decided to keep the baby."
"It's she who has a need for space, so she should move her little family into their own place and let her deal with paying the landlord when she breaks the lease."
"Just tell her, 'Sorry about your luck, but I'm not going anywhere. Not my problem.'"
"As they say No is a one-word sentence."
"Let her deal with HER problem." ~ ExplanationNo8707
"I encountered a woman who presented with what she thought was appendicitis."
"Turns out she was in active labor and delivered at 35 weeks (timing based on certain markers)."
"She had no clue she was even pregnant."
"Always had irregular and light periods."
"She thought, based on her typical diet, she had a long-term case of bloating."
"It can happen."
"Now with that out of the way."
"Yes, some women fake pregnancies as a power move: make the believing baby daddies cough up money for 'maternity care' or future baby access, try to make people like OP move because they want the home to themselves."
"Pretty trippy s**t."
"NTA for OP for staying put and not letting the roommate take advantage." ~ Vispartofmyname
"NTA. This is a 'her' problem, not a 'you' problem."
"She wants the cheap rent for her and her BD."
"Your name is on the lease, you pay rent, she can't kick you out."
"However, be prepared for a very uncomfortable living situation from now on."
"Where does the BD live now?"
"If she wants to move him in, he has a place already."
"Can she not move in with him?" ~ Discount_Mithral
"If she's 'just finding out' she's 7 months pregnant, and isn't showing any signs, I'd be very leery of her telling you the truth."
"Tell her that if she wants to start a life with him, she can move in with him."
"Stand firm on this - there's a good chance she's lying to get you to move out."
"Is there perhaps something you could report her to the landlord about?"
"Is BD staying over a lot?"
"That's usually in violation of a lot of lease agreements." ~ Discount_Mithral
OP had a few answers...
"BD lives with his mom, it's been a bad roommate situation for years but the rent is super cheap for where we live so I've dealt with her."
"Honestly, I don't even know for sure if she actually is pregnant and just wants me out."
"He does stay over like half the week."
"She has done weird things before."
"I might report her to the landlord, but I honestly would just like to keep my apartment in the long run with a new roommate."
Reddit continued...
"This is perfect, especially if she's been the longer-term renter."
"He knows her."
"Let the landlord know there may be some roommate drama, but no matter what he's told, you have no intention of moving at the end of the least."
"Also, give him a heads up on B[oy]F[riend] and baby."
"He didn't rent to the boyfriend, so he has no right to move in."
"Your landlord can back you up on that."
"It also lets him know that you aren't the problem in case she makes something up."
"Being pregnant doesn't mean you get to kick your roommate out."
"Lock everything of yours into your room, even kitchen things, if you think she might retaliate."
"And, don't hesitate to call the police if she harasses you at all. NTA." ~ babcock27
"Another vote that you should make your intentions clear to the landlord you wish to renew your lease, and 'while I'm here, I'd like to ask about the guest policy.'"
"'My roommate has been having someone stay over quite a bit, and I want to make sure I understand the rules on this clearly. It's a small space to have a third person in all the time.'"
"If she's doing shady s**t that might cost you your deposit or damage the property, that is fully justified to be reported to the landlord." ~ Discount_Mithral
"NTA. Your roommate is living in a fantasy."
"In her mind, you'd move out and she'll live happily ever after with her new little family."
"And your refusal to move out burst her bubble."
"If she's upset, oh well, the world doesn't revolve around her or her pregnancy."
"She'll just have to make do until the lease is up or find someplace else to live." ~ Peony-Pony
"She ruined her own motherhood experience by being ill-equipped, and lacking the resources to have the Hallmark motherhood journey she wants."
"NTA - and I would reach out to the landlord to get ahead of any opportunity for you to be pushed out of the space at the end of your lease."
"You are not in the way of this 'happy family' by living in the space you pay for and rent."
"Your roommate's lack of birth control/funds seems to be what's in her way."
"That's not your fault." ~ gurlwithdragontat2
"NTA. This is crazy-level entitlement with a side-order of toxic baby daddy."
"Do whatever you need to protect yourself, i.e. if it's legal to record her and him with you as single party consent (this means you have to be part of the recording)."
"Get a camera for your room aimed at the door."
"If allowed by lease/landlord get the lock for the bedroom."
"Have an action plan in place in case they try to lock you out or move you out."
"If their behavior escalates, take all evidence to police." ~ Funny_Zebra1037
"NTA when it's your name on the lease."
"Why would you be the one to move out?"
"If the current space doesn't work for her, then she needs to be one to go out and find a space that does and then lease that one in her name."
"Then she can make decisions like this." ~ im-gwen-stacy
"NTA. Tell her to pound sand."
"If the living situation becomes intolerable (very likely) tell the landlord there's an authorized male and baby living in the apartment."
"Larger complexes tend to not like this." ~ maricopa888
"NTA. You are on the hook for rent until the lease is up so you are not going anywhere."
"Tell the landlord she wants baby daddy to move in and will have an infant shortly."
"Ask for the landlord's take on this."
"The Landlord may choose to only renew your lease with another qualified renter because I do not think BF may be qualified as a renter unless he is worried about discrimination."
"She is not allowed to move bf in without the landlord's consent." ~ Ok-Sector2054
"NTA... sounds like it's your apartment just as much as it is hers."
"She should move in with her baby daddy." ~ sicilianique
Reddit understands your reasons for staying put OP. This is on your roommate and her BD to figure out.
Protect yourself and keep records of everything you can.
Reaching out to your landlord immediately could be a great idea.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp