Most parents want nothing more than for their children to grow up and find happiness, however that may be.
Their happiness may lie in their profession, their passion or in a relationship.
If the joy of their child's life falls in the latter, though, it would be helpful if their partner was a joy for the rest of the family, as well.
A woman on Reddit was fed up with her daughter-in-law's lying after her habit resulted in her husband not getting a cake for his birthday party, so she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors.
Redditor Practical-Debate-807 asked:
"AITA for confronting my daughter-in-law about her constant lying and refusing to apologize"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (56/F[emale]) have a son and things have been tense because of his wife, 'Emily' (28/F[emale])."
"I've noticed over the past year that Emily tends to stretch the truth or flat-out lie about things, both big and small."
"At first, it was little things like saying she couldn't come to family dinners because of work, only to post on social media that she was out with friends."
"Then it escalated to bigger things."
"One example that really bothered me happened recently."
"We were both supposed to attend a charity fundraiser I was there the entire evening and never saw her."
"When I later asked if she had made it, she insisted that she had been there the whole time and even said she saw me but was too busy to come say hi."
"This wasn't true—I know for a fact she wasn't there the volenteers list was small and I definitely would have seen her."
"We were all in the same room."
"More recently, she lied about something involving a family event."
"We were planning a small gathering for my husband's birthday, and Emily told me she'd arranged a cake from his favorite bakery."
"The day of the party, she showed up empty-handed, claiming they 'lost the order.'"
"When I called the bakery to see what happened, they had no record of any order ever being placed."
"That was the last straw for me."
"I pulled her aside later and confronted her about her constant lying."
"I tried to be calm and respectful, but I told her that her dishonesty was starting to affect how I viewed her and that it was creating tension in the family."
"She literally messed up my husband birthday with these lies."
"She completely denied it and got really upset, saying I was making her out to be a bad person and that I was overreacting."
"My son got involved and is now angry with me."
"The whole thing has caused a rift, and now Emily refuses to come to any family gatherings unless I apologize."
"I feel like I had every right to call her out, and I have nothing to apolgize for."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole.
"NTA. I could not tolerate that lying either."
"Apparently your son does tolerate it? Or he's in denial?"
"You may have to choose between being right and having a relationship with your son, unfortunately." - EinsTwo
"Tell her to provide some proof - ANY proof - that she was in that store to place an order for a cake in the days preceding her statement and your husband's birthday - and if she can, you'll apologise."
"She can't."
"NTA. Do enjoy the family gatherings with sincerity and honesty." - tosser9212
"NTA!"
"OP, you need to accept her challenge."
"Do not even invite her to any future gatherings."
"In this situation, you have to be strong and stand your ground."
"For whatever reason, this woman thinks that lying is okay."
"She may even single you out as the target of her lies."
"Either way, I know it may hurt, but you need to stop this train."
"You dont owe her an apology because you got proof that she has lied on more than one occasion."
"Tell your son that you love him very much and you hate that this is happening, but you cannot abide her lies."
"Explain to him that the last thing you want to do is limit contact with him, and yet you can't apologize for telling the truth."
"Ask him if he really thinks that you would make up this information and falsely accuse his wife for no reason."
"Tell him you will not give any ultimatums, and you also will respect his wife's wishes to not be included in family events."
"Something is very strange about an adult who lies just for the sake fo lying and sooner than later, your son is going to figure out that his wife is the problem." - Hungry_Ad_9048
"NTA but I would truly just never believe another word that comes out of her mouth."
"'I'll be there to volunteer."'
"'No thank you. We've got it covered.'"
"'I'll order the cake from the bakery.'"
"'Actually, I'm going to try something different this year and want it to be a surprise.'"
"My brother lied (still lies?) all the time."
"I don't believe a thing he says so I simply don't depend on him for anything important."
"It's a sad state of affairs, but the only way to make peace with it (at least for me)."
"Is your son oblivious to the lies, or does she only spin these tales with you?"
"Everyone knew my brother lied so whenever he'd exaggerate something we all just rolled our eyes or gave each other a look."
"There was no point calling it out because everyone knew." - kipsterdude
"NTA - you brought up a big issue in a calm way, and Emily's lying is messing with the family."
"Your worries are legit, particularly since her lies messed up your husband's birthday."
"She got defensive, but you did the right thing by calling her out and don't need to apologize for sharing how you feel about her behavior" - Reddit user
"NTA you're just calling it like you see it" - SgbAfterDark
"NTA. Let her stay home, less to worry about." - Freeverse711
"Is your son angry because he doesn't think his wife is lying or because he doesn't think you should confront her about it?"
"If he doesn't think his wife is lying, there apparently is plenty of proof you can show him."
"If he just doesn't like the confrontation, tell him you don't need to confront her any more."
"You just needed to let her know that you are aware of her lying."
"Now you will be warned for the future to avoid counting on DIL for anything."
"You don't even have to confront her about it - just make arrangements as though she doesn't exist."
"If she actually does what she says she'll do at some point, you can be pleasantly surprised."
"NTA" - Djinn_42
"NTA, but back off now."
"No more involvement with her separately from your son."
"She doesn't handle anything important; you can just say,'oh don't worry about that, so and so has it covered.'"
"Her character will be clearer to your son once he stops feeling that he has to defend her to you." - Auntie-Mam69
"NTA, although you might have to apologize anyway."
"Nothing we say here will convince your son, and nothing anyone says will convince the wife."
"For the future, I would just make sure that you're clear on what's expected of her, make sure your name is never put up on the same thing, and that you restrict your comments about her dishonesty and unreliability to your peers, your generation of the family and your friends."
"Your son will find out eventually, and you want to be supportive, not 'I told you so.'"
"One is the evil mother-in-law (I told you so), and the other is letting an unreliable person embarass themselves." - rockology_adam
"NTA! not even a little bit."
"I cannot tolerate liars."
"I have no respect for them, and I will not have them around me."
"However, this is your son. He is taking his wife's side."
"If I were you, I would simply stop asking for her help, I would pretend to be sorry and offer an apology and never bring it up to them again."
"If she offers help just thank her for her offer but tell her you already have whatever taken care of."
"Do not expect anything from her in the future. Assume everything she says is a lie."
"You can still have her around you but just don't ever rely on her again."
"Eventually your son will realize the truth."
"Just be there for him, but don't bring it up again, it will just cause problems." - AnneShurely
"NTA I have very little tolerance for compulsive liars."
"They also don't tend to change."
"Do what you have to do to maintain the relationship with your son - that needs to be your priority."
"Going forward don't count on anything Emily says."
"Always double-check and have a backup plan so that her lies don't impact you." - _gadget_girl
"NTA!"
"Her refusing to go to family gathering?!? Oh DARN🤣"
"She won't be missed and the rest of the family will have a better time without her including you." - 1SPsychochic
"NTA but given she won't admit it, don't invite her out to anything, or depend on her for anything, anymore."
"treat her as an extension of your son."
"just talk to your son and invite your son to stuff." - MageVicky
It sounds like her fellow Redditors don't believe OP is in the wrong for the way she feels about her daughter-in-law and her habit.
But it also seems she will need to be a bit more tolerant if she wants to keep a relationship with her son.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp