Sometimes, people take offense when their partner suggests splitting the bills or having their own bank accounts when going into the marriage. If they're getting married, why not share everything?
But conversations about money, assets, future income, and bill management are important to have before ever trying to walk down that aisle, urged the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Aggravating-Put-3362 was looking forward to marrying his fiancée, but her and her father's insistence that he sign a prenuptial agreement to protect her family inheritance gave him pause.
But when it was time to sign and he realized that his future wife hadn't been totally forthcoming about what all he was agreeing to, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure marrying her was in his best interest anymore.
He asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by hesitating to sign my fiancée's updated prenuptial agreement and feeling betrayed by her prenup 'misunderstanding'?"
The OP agreed to sign a prenuptial agreement early in their relationship.
"My fiancée (mid-30s Female) told me (mid-30s Male) that her father required a prenup for his money early on when we were dating."
"She stated that her father insisted that she get one to protect 'his money,' i.e., the prenup would note that anything she inherited from him would be hers, not 'ours.'"
"She went out of her way to specify that 'our money' would be 'ours.' She said that this was all her father. I said that's fine."
"Some background: I grew up lower-middle class and am now upper-middle class, so I didn't come from money. I've dated people far wealthier and far poorer than myself, but I never really considered a prenup."
"She makes roughly three times what I do. Her father/family is quite wealthy, but lacks certain morals. All his children would admit he manipulates them (his children) with money, judges people based on money, etc."
But then the OP discovered there was more to the agreement than his future wife told him.
"A year and a half later, after we're engaged, she went to meet her father's lawyer. He wanted her to put down her and my financial information (bank account numbers, etc.)."
"The prenup ended up not just being for her father's money but hers and my money."
"She then told me that I needed to get all my financial information together and come sign it, and then told me what the lawyer told her."
"She stated that she didn't know the prenup was for her money until the lawyer explained it to her, but then admitted that SHE wanted a prenup and her dad told her to blame HIM so that if I were mad, I'd be mad at him and not her."
The OP wasn't sure about the prenuptial agreement or the marriage anymore.
"I'm over feeling deceived because it's not what we discussed beforehand."
"I feel like she misrepresented her wanting a prenup, blaming it totally on her father when she wanted one. I also believe that the prenup I agreed to is quite different from what I'm now expected to sign."
"I told her I'm not signing anything until I've had time to think through it."
"I've already had to jump through many hoops to please her a**hole father, though it apparently had much more to do with her than she originally wanted me to think. I'm not sure how much more I'm willing to give."
"Also, no, I'm not trying to get anyone's money or get out of signing if this marriage is what we both really want. I'm just not sure if I'm overreacting by standing my ground because this isn't what we agreed upon, or if it's not a big deal."az
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some urged the OP to listen to his gut and also to get an attorney of his own.
"You need to have an attorney that you pay for to review all the documents."
"The fact that her attorney didn't tell you to do that is a huge red flag."
"Do not sign anything that wasn't reviewed by a lawyer who is representing YOU." - Suspicious_Name_8313
"It's not the prenup itself that's a red flag, but the way she deceived you. You said her dad manipulates his children and uses money to do it. Well, expect her to do the same with you. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree."
"If she was behind this and chose to deceive you instead of being upfront and honest, then expect a ton more of this ahead. Marriage is a partnership built on trust, and her deception will ruin that. Imagine her doing things like this with children involved."
"Wanting a prenup is not bad, but being deceitful about it is wrong and a major red flag." - Swimming_Pea3812
"NOR. Also, no attorney in the US can ethically represent both sides. You need your own attorney." - JulieWriter
"An inheritance is essentially a premarital asset, and OP wouldn't be entitled to it anyway. This sounds more like dad and girlfriend trying to scam OP out of half his assets."
"If she doesn't commingle the inheritance (stick it in their joint account, buy their marital home with it, etc.), it doesn't require a prenup."
"The lawyer is right that full financial disclosure is needed from both parties for a valid prenup."
"But OP, a prenup is a mutual contract negotiated between the two parties, both represented by their own lawyers. It isn't something your (potential future) adversary's lawyer writes up, and you just sign." - anoeba
"I think the reason why she wants a prenup is pretty obvious. She stands to get a substantial inheritance, and she makes significantly more money than OP, so she wants to protect her assets. There's really nothing wrong with that."
"Honestly, I think everyone should have a prenup, because I think it would save a lot of financial and emotional damage if/when a couple gets divorced."
"The real problem here is the deception and the manipulation; she should have been honest and forthcoming about it from the start. And now she's trying to get him to provide a lot of personal financial information and sign off on a legal document without letting him have his own lawyer review it."
"If I were the OP, I would not be signing anything or providing any financial information without consulting my own lawyer first. However, I'd probably be taking a step back from this engagement, at least temporarily, to take some time to decide if this is the type of person I want to be married to." - joedee007
Others understood why the OP was concerned about the changes to the agreement and its shift from prenuptial to postnuptial agreement.
"I have a prenup with my husband that we signed and were in agreement on. When we approached an attorney to draft it because we had already agreed on everything, they specifically said each of us had to be represented by completely different counsel."
"When you hire your attorney, make sure you ask them about this whole father's money situation. In my state, any inheritance is considered yours alone as long as you don't commingle it, so a prenup would actually have nothing to do with that."
"Additionally, prenuptial agreements are about things before you're married, not things after you're married. Those are called postnuptial. So, unless her dad is dead, and she's addressing the inheritance you currently is in possession of, this wouldn't be covered."
"Not an attorney, just things to ask your attorney. Our attorneys specifically told us we couldn't carve out future assets. Once we owned new assets, then we could come back for the post-nuptial." - HereNorThere123
"NOR. Fine, if that's how she wants it, then split it all. Separate bank accounts, split the bills."
"But honestly, you shouldn't be signing anything without YOUR lawyer first reviewing things, and you can counter with stipulations of your own, so there's always that."
"I think your bigger issue, though, OP, is that you are going to have a third in your marriage until he dies, and your soon-to-be wife is already lying to you about things that shouldn't be lied about."
"If she wanted these changes, she should have told you, not blamed it on her father. If her father pushed her to do these things and she doesn't want it like that, she's showing you now that she has no backbone when it comes to her father, so again, OP, get ready to have a third person constantly in your marriage until he dies." - Nitemare2020
"First of all, you need to do more than just 'think about it.' You need to get yourself a lawyer to review it and then negotiate a prenup with her lawyer. Prenups are not supposed to be unilateral like that."
"Secondly, she actively deceived you. That would be a deal breaker for me. If it's not for you, it's at least grounds to put the engagement on hold and seek couples counseling." - JadieJang
"If this is how they both behave before you're married, it's going to be a lot worse after marriage. The question isn't about the prenup. It's whether you want to be married to someone who easily lies to you, blames it on others, and also has an asshole for a father who will be in your business all the time."
"I would think twice about this relationship. They are setting you up to drain you." - NotSoSureBigWaves
"Honestly, you need to have a lot of assets or a unique set of assets for a prenup to even matter. In the US, inheritance is not a marital asset unless you co-mingle funds (like use inheritance to buy a house together, which would be a marital asset if both parties contribute)."
"Pre-nups might also protect things like voting power for stock allocation if you're the founder/co-founder of a company (i.e., the spouse that is running the company keeps voting rights / a board seat and the other spouse gets valuable but non-voting shares in the event of a divorce)."
"If you maintain your lifestyle by going to work and getting a normal salary, any income earned after marriage is a marital asset regardless of what a prenup says. Each party is entitled to half or the equivalent of half through other assets (property, stocks, etc)."
"Most folks who are worried would probably be best served by understanding marital / non-marital asset classes and being taught how to shield non-marital assets from accidentally getting co-mingled and becoming marital assets." - ladykansas
The subReddit couldn't help but side-eye this situation and hoped that the OP would reconsider this marriage, or at least wait to sign this contract before talking to an attorney of his own who had his best interests in mind.
Prenuptial agreements are often a touchy enough subject for some people; adding deceit and possible ulterior motives to the agreement only makes the experience, and the start of the marriage, worse.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.