Sometimes, people take offense when their partner suggests splitting the bills or having their own bank accounts when going into the marriage. If they're getting married, why not share everything?
But conversations about money, assets, future income, and bill management are important to have before ever trying to walk down that aisle, urged the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Aggravating-Put-3362 was looking forward to marrying his fiancée, but her and her father's insistence that he sign a prenuptial agreement to protect her family inheritance gave him pause.
But when it was time to sign and he realized that his future wife hadn't been totally forthcoming about what all he was agreeing to, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure marrying her was in his best interest anymore.
He asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by hesitating to sign my fiancée's updated prenuptial agreement and feeling betrayed by her prenup 'misunderstanding'?"
The OP agreed to sign a prenuptial agreement early in their relationship.
"My fiancée (mid-30s Female) told me (mid-30s Male) that her father required a prenup for his money early on when we were dating."
"She stated that her father insisted that she get one to protect 'his money,' i.e., the prenup would note that anything she inherited from him would be hers, not 'ours.'"
"She went out of her way to specify that 'our money' would be 'ours.' She said that this was all her father. I said that's fine."
"Some background: I grew up lower-middle class and am now upper-middle class, so I didn't come from money. I've dated people far wealthier and far poorer than myself, but I never really considered a prenup."
"She makes roughly three times what I do. Her father/family is quite wealthy, but lacks certain morals. All his children would admit he manipulates them (his children) with money, judges people based on money, etc."
But then the OP discovered there was more to the agreement than his future wife told him.
"A year and a half later, after we're engaged, she went to meet her father's lawyer. He wanted her to put down her and my financial information (bank account numbers, etc.)."
"The prenup ended up not just being for her father's money but hers and my money."
"She then told me that I needed to get all my financial information together and come sign it, and then told me what the lawyer told her."
"She stated that she didn't know the prenup was for her money until the lawyer explained it to her, but then admitted that SHE wanted a prenup and her dad told her to blame HIM so that if I were mad, I'd be mad at him and not her."
The OP wasn't sure about the prenuptial agreement or the marriage anymore.
"I'm over feeling deceived because it's not what we discussed beforehand."
"I feel like she misrepresented her wanting a prenup, blaming it totally on her father when she wanted one. I also believe that the prenup I agreed to is quite different from what I'm now expected to sign."
"I told her I'm not signing anything until I've had time to think through it."
"I've already had to jump through many hoops to please her a**hole father, though it apparently had much more to do with her than she originally wanted me to think. I'm not sure how much more I'm willing to give."
"Also, no, I'm not trying to get anyone's money or get out of signing if this marriage is what we both really want. I'm just not sure if I'm overreacting by standing my ground because this isn't what we agreed upon, or if it's not a big deal."az
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some urged the OP to listen to his gut and also to get an attorney of his own.
"You need to have an attorney that you pay for to review all the documents."
"The fact that her attorney didn't tell you to do that is a huge red flag."
"Do not sign anything that wasn't reviewed by a lawyer who is representing YOU." - Suspicious_Name_8313
"It's not the prenup itself that's a red flag, but the way she deceived you. You said her dad manipulates his children and uses money to do it. Well, expect her to do the same with you. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree."
"If she was behind this and chose to deceive you instead of being upfront and honest, then expect a ton more of this ahead. Marriage is a partnership built on trust, and her deception will ruin that. Imagine her doing things like this with children involved."
"Wanting a prenup is not bad, but being deceitful about it is wrong and a major red flag." - Swimming_Pea3812
"NOR. Also, no attorney in the US can ethically represent both sides. You need your own attorney." - JulieWriter
"An inheritance is essentially a premarital asset, and OP wouldn't be entitled to it anyway. This sounds more like dad and girlfriend trying to scam OP out of half his assets."
"If she doesn't commingle the inheritance (stick it in their joint account, buy their marital home with it, etc.), it doesn't require a prenup."
"The lawyer is right that full financial disclosure is needed from both parties for a valid prenup."
"But OP, a prenup is a mutual contract negotiated between the two parties, both represented by their own lawyers. It isn't something your (potential future) adversary's lawyer writes up, and you just sign." - anoeba
"I think the reason why she wants a prenup is pretty obvious. She stands to get a substantial inheritance, and she makes significantly more money than OP, so she wants to protect her assets. There's really nothing wrong with that."
"Honestly, I think everyone should have a prenup, because I think it would save a lot of financial and emotional damage if/when a couple gets divorced."
"The real problem here is the deception and the manipulation; she should have been honest and forthcoming about it from the start. And now she's trying to get him to provide a lot of personal financial information and sign off on a legal document without letting him have his own lawyer review it."
"If I were the OP, I would not be signing anything or providing any financial information without consulting my own lawyer first. However, I'd probably be taking a step back from this engagement, at least temporarily, to take some time to decide if this is the type of person I want to be married to." - joedee007
Others understood why the OP was concerned about the changes to the agreement and its shift from prenuptial to postnuptial agreement.
"I have a prenup with my husband that we signed and were in agreement on. When we approached an attorney to draft it because we had already agreed on everything, they specifically said each of us had to be represented by completely different counsel."
"When you hire your attorney, make sure you ask them about this whole father's money situation. In my state, any inheritance is considered yours alone as long as you don't commingle it, so a prenup would actually have nothing to do with that."
"Additionally, prenuptial agreements are about things before you're married, not things after you're married. Those are called postnuptial. So, unless her dad is dead, and she's addressing the inheritance you currently is in possession of, this wouldn't be covered."
"Not an attorney, just things to ask your attorney. Our attorneys specifically told us we couldn't carve out future assets. Once we owned new assets, then we could come back for the post-nuptial." - HereNorThere123
"NOR. Fine, if that's how she wants it, then split it all. Separate bank accounts, split the bills."
"But honestly, you shouldn't be signing anything without YOUR lawyer first reviewing things, and you can counter with stipulations of your own, so there's always that."
"I think your bigger issue, though, OP, is that you are going to have a third in your marriage until he dies, and your soon-to-be wife is already lying to you about things that shouldn't be lied about."
"If she wanted these changes, she should have told you, not blamed it on her father. If her father pushed her to do these things and she doesn't want it like that, she's showing you now that she has no backbone when it comes to her father, so again, OP, get ready to have a third person constantly in your marriage until he dies." - Nitemare2020
"First of all, you need to do more than just 'think about it.' You need to get yourself a lawyer to review it and then negotiate a prenup with her lawyer. Prenups are not supposed to be unilateral like that."
"Secondly, she actively deceived you. That would be a deal breaker for me. If it's not for you, it's at least grounds to put the engagement on hold and seek couples counseling." - JadieJang
"If this is how they both behave before you're married, it's going to be a lot worse after marriage. The question isn't about the prenup. It's whether you want to be married to someone who easily lies to you, blames it on others, and also has an asshole for a father who will be in your business all the time."
"I would think twice about this relationship. They are setting you up to drain you." - NotSoSureBigWaves
"Honestly, you need to have a lot of assets or a unique set of assets for a prenup to even matter. In the US, inheritance is not a marital asset unless you co-mingle funds (like use inheritance to buy a house together, which would be a marital asset if both parties contribute)."
"Pre-nups might also protect things like voting power for stock allocation if you're the founder/co-founder of a company (i.e., the spouse that is running the company keeps voting rights / a board seat and the other spouse gets valuable but non-voting shares in the event of a divorce)."
"If you maintain your lifestyle by going to work and getting a normal salary, any income earned after marriage is a marital asset regardless of what a prenup says. Each party is entitled to half or the equivalent of half through other assets (property, stocks, etc)."
"Most folks who are worried would probably be best served by understanding marital / non-marital asset classes and being taught how to shield non-marital assets from accidentally getting co-mingled and becoming marital assets." - ladykansas
The subReddit couldn't help but side-eye this situation and hoped that the OP would reconsider this marriage, or at least wait to sign this contract before talking to an attorney of his own who had his best interests in mind.
Prenuptial agreements are often a touchy enough subject for some people; adding deceit and possible ulterior motives to the agreement only makes the experience, and the start of the marriage, worse.
