Content Warning: Mentions of Child Neglect and the ‘Cry It Out’ Method
How a person chooses to parent is an endlessly individual decision, and there are countless ways to handle raising a child, comforting them, and disciplining them.
But when a person visits someone else’s house or offers babysitting services, they should respect the parents’ parenting style, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor RaisinNo2082 had two young children of her own and believed in comforting her children when they needed it, including meeting their emotional needs.
Because her sister-in-law believed that babies were “mindless” and that their cries meant nothing, the Original Poster (OP) was completely against giving her sister-in-law a chance to ignore her children’s needs by babysitting them.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for refusing to let my sister-in-law (SIL) babysit my baby and being unwilling to hear her out?”
The OP’s mother-in-law (MIL) had agreed to babysit for her while she went to an event.
“My husband and I had to be somewhere for our older child so we asked my MIL if she could watch our three-month-old son for a few hours.”
“She said of course. Unfortunately, when we went to drop him off, she wasn’t home, and one of my husband’s sisters Jane (21) was there instead.”
“Apparently, my MIL wasn’t going to be home for a bit so she (Jane) agreed to watch our son for some time without either of them informing of us of the change in plans.”
The OP was not comfortable with Jane taking over her MIL’s babysitting duties.
“I immediately said no because Jane believes that babies don’t feel anything. She thinks that they cry for no reason and we shouldn’t respond to their cries ever for whatever reason. And that not responding won’t have any effect on them.”
“She thinks that anything we do to babies during this period of their lives will have absolutely zero effect on them in the future. She will often call them ‘mindless,’ too.”
“My husband called his mom, and we politely explained our concerns and then hung up because we were extremely busy already (and now we had to find another babysitter, as well).”
Jane did not take the rejection well.
“I figured that was it until Jane came over, extremely upset and in tears, insisting that she’s not a bad person and that she would never do anything to hurt any kid.”
“She then accused me of ‘discriminating’ against her because she doesn’t want/have kids like everyone else in the family.”
“I told her straight up that I don’t give a crap if she wants kids of her own, but I don’t like her thoughts on how to care for babies specifically.”
“Instead of trying to understand me, she doubled down and said that her way of dealing with babies makes sense and that I’m wrong and I’m just extremely sensitive in nature, so of course I don’t get it.”
“She kept arguing with me about how to take care of my baby so I just asked her to leave, and she blew up on me.”
“My husband even told her to calm down and that it’s not like we’re preventing her from seeing our kids all together.”
“She just went, ‘F**k you and your dumb-a** kids,’ and left. Which…okay?”
The OP was surprised when her MIL lashed out at her for excluding Jane.
“My MIL is really annoyed with me because Jane is still very upset and I’m just wondering if I’m the AH?”
“Like, I don’t think I am, especially since no one lets her babysit for the same reasons, but I’m the first person to actually say no to her face and tell her why instead of making up an excuse… and perhaps I was too harsh.”
“To be fair, she is the baby of the family, and she’s very sweet otherwise. Everyone thinks telling her upfront is harsh and on another note, my other sisters-in-law found a whole website blog thing dedicated to parents who have similar beliefs as Jane, so I don’t think everyone necessarily thinks her beliefs are harmful…”
“This all started when she read a few tweets about the whole ‘babies don’t feel anything until a certain age’ thing, I think, and she was somehow convinced by that.”
“My husband sent her some actual articles about babies and their feelings a while back after they got into an argument, but she never read them as far as I know.”
“And the most unfortunate part is that my eldest loves Jane, but he’s also a bit too young to be around Jane. I can’t trust her anymore and neither can my husband.”
“Ugh, and my MIL is usually so reasonable, too! I think she misjudged things and possibly felt bad since Jane offered to babysit for the whole family (she needed some quick money), but everyone more or less rejected her help. I was the only one to tell her why.”
“But I personally do believe her beliefs are harmful, and yeah, I am very sensitive, and I would sometimes also cry when my first child would cry, but this is how I am raising my children, and that’s that.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out how different the situation would be if Jane agreed to parent the OP’s way.
“NTA at all.”
“You have told her why, and she disagrees with how you are raising your child, so she can not be alone with them. End of story.”
“It would be different if she understood where you are coming from and agreed that she would, of course, do things your way, and then freaking out that you didn’t trust her.”
“She could be mad then. You would still be justified in the no, because you know how she feels, and alone… with no one watching, she would test her theory.”
“You should also say this to your MIL: ‘I have a living being who cries to indicate that something is wrong. This is the only way they communicate they are unhappy or uncomfortable. Your daughter thinks this is not true and that their cries mean nothing. They should not be cared for when they are crying.'”
“‘The thought of my baby, in distress and being alone in that is not okay with me or your son. I am not being unreasonable. Her way of thinking is not only NOT the universal consensus, but completely not what I want in my child’s world.'”
“‘I am a little shocked that you would defend her having a temper tantrum about this situation instead of telling her that OF COURSE we would not leave our child with anyone who could care less that they are crying and thinks they have no feelings. That is ridiculous. I need you on the baby’s side, not on the one acting like a baby because she’s wrong and doesn’t like that she’s wrong.'”
“‘I also find it interesting that you are upset when your adult child who is fully able to take care of herself gets upset. Imagine how I feel about my three-month-old helpless infant being the hands of someone who wouldn’t respond if they were upset and couldn’t fend for themselves.'”
“Then let them be mad. This is truly ridiculous. For others to be involved and not be backing you up 100% is astonishing.” – OhmsWay-71
“OP should be extremely glad that SIL is so confident in her opinion that she’s telling everyone what an awful caregiver will be and ensuring no children are left in her care.” – squishpitcher
“You and your husband choose who watches your baby, end of story.”
“Your responsibility is to your baby and their safety, not to a grown-a** adult’s feelings. You’re doing the right thing and your SIL’s reaction to your boundaries is VERY TELLING.” – heartburn-on-fiyah
“NTA. You asked your mother-in-law to watch your baby for a few hours, not your sister-in-law.”
“If your mother-in-law told you upfront her plans had changed, you could have made other plans without even ‘harshly’ confronting your sister-in-law.”
“No one is going to leave their baby with a sitter whose judgment they do not trust. This whole situation may have been avoided with one quick phone call from your mother-in-law. If she’s upset, it’s on her, because she failed to communicate with you, not the other way around.”
“Thanks but no thanks. No one is taking parenting advice from a childless 21-year-old who has the common sense of a doorknob.” – Peony-Pony
“OP, you are under-reacting.”
“She lied about her availability bc SHE decided it’s ok to leave YOUR child with someone else, based only on HER judgment and PURPOSEFULLY not telling you because she wanted to manipulate events to go the way SHE HAS DECIDED IS BEST.”
“She tried to force you into leaving your child with a person who has never had children, doesn’t want children, espouses a childcare model that IS NOT YOURS, founded on zero life experience, and could harm your baby.”
“Then instead of owning her series of miscalculated and erroneous choices, she doubles down supporting SIL, who is 21 and doesn’t know S**T, and tried to make you feel bad for misjudging SIL AND DEFENDED, and gathered flying monkeys, other SIL, to argue the points AND tell YOU, you are WRONG in your parenting choices.”
“Honestly, for the short-term term, I would go no contact with all of them. Spend your holidays home cuddling with your kiddos with people who actually support you, love you, and believe truth is more important than saving face.”
“Tell them now you will revisit the status in January. Any attempts to change your choices will add another month to your no-contact relationship.”
“Then, the only acceptable outcome in January is for all three of them to apologize for disrespecting you as parents and that they will 1000% do as you have told them to when it comes to your kids (they are welcome to object, and their objection shows they still don’t understand how to actually respect you) PERIOD.”
“They have to own their part of the problem.”
“Your mother-in-law has to understand that it’s not okay to have anyone else watch the kids if I have agreed to watch them. No other people will visit or ‘spell’ them w/o notification and approval by you. (There can be no half-measures, if she can’t say/agree to this, fine, that’s her choice. Your choice is that person isn’t safe for your child).”
“All three of them have to understand you can hold whatever beliefs you want. You CANNOT APPLY THEM TO MY CHILDREN. You are in charge of you and your minor children. We will respect your choices. If you want a relationship with our children, you must respect our choices for our family, our children. You are again welcome to your own beliefs/choices but if you apply them to my children you will not have a relationship with my children.”
“If you do it now in one fell swoop, and your dear husband either wholeheartedly agrees or agrees to let you manage as you see fit until January, going big and broad will serve you well.”
“Be a b***h. Be unpopular. Don’t respond to flying monkeys or ‘I’m not sure why you think you can come at us like this about private matters with MIL/SIL. Would you want us to come to you about gossip and private things you’ve shared with MIL/SIL?'”
“BE STRONG. It will serve you… and your children… well.” – No_Appointment_7232
Others were appalled that there were people out there who believed a baby’s cries meant nothing.
“They themselves even don’t know why they are crying in this era; babies just feel something is just off. So every time you answer their cries and solve the problem (hunger, dirty diaper, the need of a touch or a hug), you start showing them that when something is wrong, they can call out for you and you’ll be there.”
“Thinking they don’t feel anything or are too young to learn is bulls**t. My daughter figured out the bottle was way easier than being breastfed because while sucking for milk, she had to put effort, too, when she was only FIVE F**KING DAYS OLD. To reverse it was so hard.”
“They learn. They know if their needs are met. They trust people who meet their needs. Naturally.”
“Letting Jane babysit could ruin your child’s trust in you and other people, not to mention possibly cause her to get hurt, even in some reversible way like diaper rash from an ignored, wet diaper.” – hugeeyez
“I hope the SIL never has any children of her own. I would fear for their overall safety, because of SIL’s negligence.”
“Also, I wonder if SIL has a theory on just when (at what age) DO kids START having feelings? She sounds loony.” – MissKitty919
“This is not even my baby, and this post makes my skin crawl. I can’t begin to understand the SIL’s thought process. There’s just something not right there. OP, protect your child. NTA.” – TaterMA
“This ties into the ‘cry it out method’ that a certain kind of people advocate for. ‘If your baby is crying and they’ve been fed, burped, diaper changed, then leave them in their bed and let them cry it out so they learn to self-soothe.'”
“But those babies don’t learn to self-soothe; they learn that crying won’t get any help from the people they depend on so learn to not bother crying.”
“It’s not self-soothing; it’s giving up because they learn early not to count on anyone.”
“What’s even worse with the SIL is she doesn’t even seem to think that crying can be a cue for hunger, a soiled nappy, or any other kind of physical discomfort.”
“It’s genuinely quite terrifying, and that kind of negligence isn’t just a matter of perspective, it has been proven over and over again to be incredibly damaging.”
“My husband has suffered from serious mental health issues for most of his life and, while there are some very clear points of trauma, the general consensus is that his biological mother had PPD, and part of that led to him not being held enough as a baby. He’s 50 and still affected by that, and he always will be, because therapy can only go so far when damage is done so young.” – NaomiT29
“I’ve heard different levels of this ‘they’re too young’ and ‘not all cries mean anything’ bulls**t.”
“What I always wonder is… why these people don’t consider that if I practice ignoring my baby’s needs or say, using foul language or talking trash about my partner in front of my little one ‘because they don’t understand’… at what point to I, the adult, break that habit and change my behaviors?”
“On their third birthday, do I begin to act differently towards them and in front of them?”
“No. The same thing with treating girls differently than boys, etc… when does it stop? It doesn’t. The idea that it’s okay because of their age and thus will change when they grow older is just a denial of reality.”
“OP, you are right to take your SIL at her word and believe her. You were kind enough to be honest to her face and talk it through. She stuck to her beliefs so you as the momma can make the call that your baby’s beliefs are not aligned and you must choose another babysitter. Nothing personal.”
“This is not the call of your MIL or something that we have to do so we don’t hurt anyone’s feelings. You are right to prioritize your baby and your way of parenting.” – curiosa_furiosa
The subReddit applauded the OP for acting quickly and finding a safe babysitting alternative for her baby instead of allowing herself to be talked into letting her sister-in-law, who she was uncomfortable with, babysit.
It’s okay to hold different parenting beliefs from someone else, but the moment you agree to babysit their children, you have to temporarily adopt their parenting beliefs to care for their child, not insist on impressing them with your own feelings.