Bullying in schools gets a lot of attention.
But it can happen at home, too.
Often mistakenly passed off as sibling rivalry, when one child is bullying the other constantly, that’s not a rivalry. That’s cruelty.
Sometimes, those dynamics persist into adulthood.
A sister tired of her sibling’s constant bullying turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Defiant-Drawing8997 asked:
“AITA for walking out of a restaurant after my sister kept making rude remarks and trying to speak on my behalf?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My sister (24, female) and I (26, female) never really had the best relationship growing up. I’ve always tried to keep it civil, but she wouldn’t and has always been rude to me and would try and speak on my behalf as if she’s my lawyer.”
“To make things relevant, I’m on the spectrum.”
“She will constantly convince me to say no whenever others ask me a question, tell me to ‘shut up’ whenever I talk to my friends or anyone that wanted to have a conversation with me, or my sister will shake her head no either because she disapproves of something or she simply wants me to shut the f*ck up.”
“This past weekend, my parents asked me and my sister to meet with them at a restaurant for dinner as we hadn’t seen each other in weeks, and my parents both wanted to treat us.”
“We met them in the restaurant, and everything went well until it was time to order. I’m not much of an eater, so I wanted to order some of the appetizers, but my parents encouraged me to buy an entree so I can have some food to take home if I don’t finish.”
“I thought about getting it, but I saw my sister just shaking her head. I asked her what her issue was, and she said that she knew I didn’t need the entree and, therefore, I shouldn’t waste money or food.”
“My parents told her that wasn’t her concern and that I could order for myself. I ordered the entree I liked, and when our food came, my sister glanced at me the entire time.”
“I finished my food, and I guess I didn’t really need to take leftovers home since they were all gone. When asked if we wanted dessert, my dad asked me if I would like some.”
“I said I was full, but my dad said he’d want me to at least take something home, so I ordered a cheesecake. That was when my sister snapped.”
“She called me a spoiled brat for wasting food and our father’s money, and why do I f*cking need dessert? My dad told my sister to calm down and said she could get dessert, too.”
“My sister got even angrier and called me names such as a fat pig (I’m around 115lbs, so not even close), a yes-woman—whatever the f*ck that means, and how I’m wasting money.”
“I make my own money, so I don’t know what her issue was. I didn’t want to be around her, so I just got up and left.”
“My parents begged me to stay as we planned to get coffee somewhere else after, but I declined.”
“I couldn’t stay if my sister was gonna continue to be there. I even changed my mind on dessert.”
“When I got home, I got a couple of calls from my parents apologizing on my sister’s behalf, and my mom said I shouldn’t have walked out and let my sister get the better of me.”
“She tends to defend my sister a lot, so I told her she needed to wake up and understand how my sister has always tried to control me for reasons I can’t understand.”
“Am I the a**hole for walking out?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I realized I shouldn’t have walked out, as my parents did want to treat me and my sister to dinner. I feel like I’ve ruined the event by walking out instead of ignoring my sister, which kinda makes me an a**hole.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Your sister was rude, and you do not need to put up with her crappy behavior. If your parents wanted you to stay they should have called her out on her bad behavior.” ~ Second_Breakfast_2
“NTA. Stop attending events if your sister is invited. She’s evil, and you don’t deserve a devil ruining your day.”
“The next time your parents invite you two to dinner, tell them that you’d love to have a meal with the 2 of them, but you are taking a break from your sister. Tell them she has unknown mental health issues that make her obsessed with you, and you need a break from it.”
“Tell them that you hope the break gives her time to get a life and quit worrying about yours.” ~ saintandvillian
“Exactly! Also, tell your mum that she didn’t get the better of you. You didn’t blow up on her or give in to her like she wanted.”
“You removed yourself from a situation you didn’t want to be in. Nice and calm and in control. Suck on that sis!” ~ BooglesthePurps
“NTA. It’s WILD to me that your mother is trying to put this on you for ‘letting her get the best of you’ when she and your dad rightfully told her it wasn’t her concern in the first place.”
“She blew up at you in a public restaurant because…what? Your parents decided to do something nice for you that they were ALSO DOING FOR HER?”
“It’s not about letting her get the best of you, it’s about her acting like an a**hole in the first place. You don’t have to tolerate that kind of disrespect just because your sister holds some sort of bizarre unspoken grudge against you.”
“You decided not to tolerate her behavior and your parents need to stop tolerating it as well.” ~ burner_suplex
“NTA, but I would send your parents the following text: ‘I love you both very much, and I am happy to spend time with the two of you, but I won’t be doing any more family gatherings where sister is present. I refuse to sit quietly and let her berate and belittle me, body shame me, and be cruel for no reason’.”
“‘It isn’t my responsibility to keep the peace when she is the one throwing tantrums. I hope you understand and can respect my wishes on this. I want to spend time with you both. But I won’t sit and let myself be verbally abused by her in public or in private again’.” ~ NerdySwampWitch40
“NTA! You were sensible enough to walk out before things got way out of hand. The good thing here is that you know how to handle your sister.”
“Next time she does that, just make a sarcastic comment and move on. Or better yet, give her a taste of her own medicine.”
“Next time, also give your mom the taste of her medicine by telling her to stand up to every insult that comes out of your dad’s/sister’s mouth towards her and see how she handles it.” ~ BoredofBin
“If my children, who are actual children at 10 and 4 right now, were speaking like this to each other, I’d probably ask what was going on, and try to find out what the problem was.”
“If they grow into adults and one is speaking like that to the other? I’m going to ask what the actual f*ck their problem is.”
“I expect bad behavior from a kid occasionally and will parent it. If they’re grown damn adults? I’m leaving their rude a** at the restaurant.”
“I don’t want to be around it, don’t want to hear it, and while they might be too old for me to actually parent them, I’m one of the few people in this world that can legitimately call them on their sh*t.”
“OP’s parents should have stepped up long ago.” ~ itsthedurf
“I am so sorry. You are NTA, and your family seems incredibly dysregulated.”
“When/If you feel up to it, call your mother and explain that you will not participate in any more family dinners. Let her know that you would love to dine with her and your dad but if she wants to talk with you about your sister, you will not be joining.” ~ EmceeSuzy
“OP, you’re NTA.”
“You mention you’re on the spectrum. Do you think that may be the source of your sister’s behavior?”
“You are very intelligent and empathetic, not that you would not be, but did being on the spectrum require more of your parent’s time and attention during your early years? Do you think your sister might resent the extra support you received from your parents?”
“In terms of the fat pig comment, is your sister overweight, or does she struggle to maintain a weight appropriate for her frame? The comment seems to reek of jealousy. But I could be wrong.”
“That your parents have never addressed your sister’s behavior is unfortunate. But her behavior may also mean she has her own mental health issues that were never addressed. But she may also just be a mean bully.”
“I’d avoid the sister, and if you have a good relationship with your parents, continue to meet with them. However, you do the inviting and make it clear that you would prefer not to include your sister.”
“If your parents complain about your boundary simply let them know that your sister seems to want their undivided attention. If you have separate outings with them, she will get what she wants, and you get some much-deserved peace from her behavior.”
“Is it harsh to set this boundary? Perhaps for your parents, but it is a harsh consequence for them not nipping her behavior in the bud when you were wee ones. At this stage, the best thing for you is avoiding your sister.”
“To be honest, at this stage in your lives, your sister seems a bit unhinged. You can’t force her to behave differently towards you, but you don’t have to deal with it either.”
“It will perhaps be difficult for you to cut her out of your life because your parents seem to want you two to be in each other’s lives. But believe m,e you don’t have to be.”
“And to be honest, if you were treated this way by anyone else, would you put up with this sort of behavior? I doubt it; you’d likely avoid interaction at all costs. This is no different. That you are related should have no bearing on your decision.”
“Do not feel guilty about making this boundary decision. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your sister; it just means you don’t like her behavior.”
“You just have to do what’s healthy for you. I’d also go as far as blocking her on your phone and social media if she contacts you to continue her bullying tactics. NTA.” ~ Cool-Departure4120
Sometimes, all you can do in a toxic situation is to walk away.