Bullying in schools gets a lot of attention.
But it can happen at home, too.
Often mistakenly passed off as sibling rivalry, when one child is bullying the other constantly, that's not a rivalry. That's cruelty.
Sometimes, those dynamics persist into adulthood.
A sister tired of her sibling's constant bullying turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Defiant-Drawing8997 asked:
"AITA for walking out of a restaurant after my sister kept making rude remarks and trying to speak on my behalf?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My sister (24, female) and I (26, female) never really had the best relationship growing up. I've always tried to keep it civil, but she wouldn't and has always been rude to me and would try and speak on my behalf as if she's my lawyer."
"To make things relevant, I'm on the spectrum."
"She will constantly convince me to say no whenever others ask me a question, tell me to 'shut up' whenever I talk to my friends or anyone that wanted to have a conversation with me, or my sister will shake her head no either because she disapproves of something or she simply wants me to shut the f*ck up."
"This past weekend, my parents asked me and my sister to meet with them at a restaurant for dinner as we hadn't seen each other in weeks, and my parents both wanted to treat us."
"We met them in the restaurant, and everything went well until it was time to order. I'm not much of an eater, so I wanted to order some of the appetizers, but my parents encouraged me to buy an entree so I can have some food to take home if I don't finish."
"I thought about getting it, but I saw my sister just shaking her head. I asked her what her issue was, and she said that she knew I didn't need the entree and, therefore, I shouldn't waste money or food."
"My parents told her that wasn't her concern and that I could order for myself. I ordered the entree I liked, and when our food came, my sister glanced at me the entire time."
"I finished my food, and I guess I didn't really need to take leftovers home since they were all gone. When asked if we wanted dessert, my dad asked me if I would like some."
"I said I was full, but my dad said he'd want me to at least take something home, so I ordered a cheesecake. That was when my sister snapped."
"She called me a spoiled brat for wasting food and our father's money, and why do I f*cking need dessert? My dad told my sister to calm down and said she could get dessert, too."
"My sister got even angrier and called me names such as a fat pig (I'm around 115lbs, so not even close), a yes-woman—whatever the f*ck that means, and how I'm wasting money."
"I make my own money, so I don't know what her issue was. I didn't want to be around her, so I just got up and left."
"My parents begged me to stay as we planned to get coffee somewhere else after, but I declined."
"I couldn't stay if my sister was gonna continue to be there. I even changed my mind on dessert."
"When I got home, I got a couple of calls from my parents apologizing on my sister's behalf, and my mom said I shouldn't have walked out and let my sister get the better of me."
"She tends to defend my sister a lot, so I told her she needed to wake up and understand how my sister has always tried to control me for reasons I can't understand."
"Am I the a**hole for walking out?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I realized I shouldn't have walked out, as my parents did want to treat me and my sister to dinner. I feel like I've ruined the event by walking out instead of ignoring my sister, which kinda makes me an a**hole."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Your sister was rude, and you do not need to put up with her crappy behavior. If your parents wanted you to stay they should have called her out on her bad behavior." ~ Second_Breakfast_2
"NTA. Stop attending events if your sister is invited. She's evil, and you don't deserve a devil ruining your day."
"The next time your parents invite you two to dinner, tell them that you'd love to have a meal with the 2 of them, but you are taking a break from your sister. Tell them she has unknown mental health issues that make her obsessed with you, and you need a break from it."
"Tell them that you hope the break gives her time to get a life and quit worrying about yours." ~ saintandvillian
"Exactly! Also, tell your mum that she didn't get the better of you. You didn't blow up on her or give in to her like she wanted."
"You removed yourself from a situation you didn't want to be in. Nice and calm and in control. Suck on that sis!" ~ BooglesthePurps
"NTA. It's WILD to me that your mother is trying to put this on you for 'letting her get the best of you' when she and your dad rightfully told her it wasn't her concern in the first place."
"She blew up at you in a public restaurant because...what? Your parents decided to do something nice for you that they were ALSO DOING FOR HER?"
"It's not about letting her get the best of you, it's about her acting like an a**hole in the first place. You don't have to tolerate that kind of disrespect just because your sister holds some sort of bizarre unspoken grudge against you."
"You decided not to tolerate her behavior and your parents need to stop tolerating it as well." ~ burner_suplex
"NTA, but I would send your parents the following text: 'I love you both very much, and I am happy to spend time with the two of you, but I won't be doing any more family gatherings where sister is present. I refuse to sit quietly and let her berate and belittle me, body shame me, and be cruel for no reason'."
"'It isn't my responsibility to keep the peace when she is the one throwing tantrums. I hope you understand and can respect my wishes on this. I want to spend time with you both. But I won't sit and let myself be verbally abused by her in public or in private again'." ~ NerdySwampWitch40
"NTA! You were sensible enough to walk out before things got way out of hand. The good thing here is that you know how to handle your sister."
"Next time she does that, just make a sarcastic comment and move on. Or better yet, give her a taste of her own medicine."
"Next time, also give your mom the taste of her medicine by telling her to stand up to every insult that comes out of your dad's/sister's mouth towards her and see how she handles it." ~ BoredofBin
"If my children, who are actual children at 10 and 4 right now, were speaking like this to each other, I'd probably ask what was going on, and try to find out what the problem was."
"If they grow into adults and one is speaking like that to the other? I'm going to ask what the actual f*ck their problem is."
"I expect bad behavior from a kid occasionally and will parent it. If they're grown damn adults? I'm leaving their rude a** at the restaurant."
"I don't want to be around it, don't want to hear it, and while they might be too old for me to actually parent them, I'm one of the few people in this world that can legitimately call them on their sh*t."
"OP's parents should have stepped up long ago." ~ itsthedurf
"I am so sorry. You are NTA, and your family seems incredibly dysregulated."
"When/If you feel up to it, call your mother and explain that you will not participate in any more family dinners. Let her know that you would love to dine with her and your dad but if she wants to talk with you about your sister, you will not be joining." ~ EmceeSuzy
"OP, you're NTA."
"You mention you're on the spectrum. Do you think that may be the source of your sister's behavior?"
"You are very intelligent and empathetic, not that you would not be, but did being on the spectrum require more of your parent's time and attention during your early years? Do you think your sister might resent the extra support you received from your parents?"
"In terms of the fat pig comment, is your sister overweight, or does she struggle to maintain a weight appropriate for her frame? The comment seems to reek of jealousy. But I could be wrong."
"That your parents have never addressed your sister's behavior is unfortunate. But her behavior may also mean she has her own mental health issues that were never addressed. But she may also just be a mean bully."
"I'd avoid the sister, and if you have a good relationship with your parents, continue to meet with them. However, you do the inviting and make it clear that you would prefer not to include your sister."
"If your parents complain about your boundary simply let them know that your sister seems to want their undivided attention. If you have separate outings with them, she will get what she wants, and you get some much-deserved peace from her behavior."
"Is it harsh to set this boundary? Perhaps for your parents, but it is a harsh consequence for them not nipping her behavior in the bud when you were wee ones. At this stage, the best thing for you is avoiding your sister."
"To be honest, at this stage in your lives, your sister seems a bit unhinged. You can't force her to behave differently towards you, but you don't have to deal with it either."
"It will perhaps be difficult for you to cut her out of your life because your parents seem to want you two to be in each other's lives. But believe m,e you don't have to be."
"And to be honest, if you were treated this way by anyone else, would you put up with this sort of behavior? I doubt it; you'd likely avoid interaction at all costs. This is no different. That you are related should have no bearing on your decision."
"Do not feel guilty about making this boundary decision. It doesn't mean you don't love your sister; it just means you don't like her behavior."
"You just have to do what's healthy for you. I'd also go as far as blocking her on your phone and social media if she contacts you to continue her bullying tactics. NTA." ~ Cool-Departure4120
Sometimes, all you can do in a toxic situation is to walk away.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp