Phobias by definition are irrational.
Although these feelings are legitimate, it can leave the person in difficult positions when faced with what triggers their fear. Friends and family are often supportive however, this looks different in every situation.
22-year-old Redditor Old_Ad1998 recently turned to the subReddit "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) to see if he should have handled his own sister's phobia differently during a visit.
He asked the subReddit community:
"AITA for telling my sister to leave because of her fear?"
The original poster (OP) laid bare the conflict that arose when his boyfriend revealed a slithery tattoo.
"My sister (17) is afraid of snakes, she hates them, can't be near them. My boyfriend (21) is the opposite, he loves them, and we actually have one (2-year-old female). Because of this we normally go see my sister or if she comes to our place my bf's sister will take our girl for the day."
"So, we have a pool, and it's been really hot where we live so we invited my sister and my parents round. Like normal my bf's sister came and took our snake."
"When they arrived everything was fine until we got into the pool. My bf has a tattoo of a snake, it's a blacked-out silhouette that wraps around both of his arms and his back."
"When my sister saw it she freaked out and told me to tell him to cover it. She knew about his tattoo, she just expected him to cover it, which he can't do without putting on a long sleeve t-shirt."
"I told her no."
"She then went over to him and asked him to leave because he knows about her fear. This annoyed me and I told her that if she has an issue with it she should leave, this is his house, not hers."
"She got upset and just sat inside the whole time."
"When they left my mom told me that I was rude to my sister and we knew about her fear and that we ruined her day. Now I'm starting to think that I could have handled the situation better."
"So AITA?"
After further conversation the OP elaborated on the details of the tattoo, phobia and the house in an edit.
"I've been talking to someone in DMs and they said I should add some stuff we talked about to my post."
"My bf's tattoo is very important to him, we got our current baby after his old snake died, the tattoo is based on a picture of his old snake draped over his back and arms."
"Also, self-expression is very important to my bf, he grew up in a very restrictive household, his mother controlled what he did, how he acted and what he wore."
"We didn't just move our snake because her enclosure is built into a large bookcase in our living room."
"Also, this only happens once every month or so, we normally visit her. Also, my bf's sister is a huge reptile nerd and loves our little girl almost as much as we do."
"My bf actually has an irrational animal fear of his own (butterflies). He knows that not all phobias work the same but he thinks that her asking him to leave is ridiculous."
"Also, when I say that it's his house I mean it's his house, not ours."
"Also, to the few people asking how a 21-year-old can afford a house with a pool. My bf has been in the entertainment industry since he was a kid (think child actor/model)."
"He hated it and no longer does it."
Redditors weighed in on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided OP was NTA.
However, not only did they out his sister as TA but their mom too for siding with his sister's over the top behavior.
"NTA. I have the same phobia and couldn't go near a house that has a snake in. I'd freak out about the tattoo too."
"However it's my problem to deal with. It would be nice if your bf covered up but I wouldn't expect him too."~fledermaus1
"NTA. I am terrified of Snakes and spiders. But I would never expect somebody to even temporarily rehome their pet snake or spider and a tattoo of those does not frighten me."
"You sister needs therapy, serious therapy. Its time to stop catering to her fear in your home."~MinsAino
"This is it exactly. Even if it's true, asking someone to cover up or leave their own home is very entitled behavior."
"Someone with a phobia wouldn't normally expect this kind of treatment, so her fear of snakes doesn't explain her actions. NTA"~lil-G00F
"NTA. First, there's no way you could have known her fear of snakes would extend to a tattoo."
"I would not have thought that a tattoo would evoke the same level of fear as an actual snake."
"Two, you were doing an nice thing by inviting your sister to use the pool. You did not have to do this."
"You already went above and beyond by removing your snake from your home."
"Three, if a guest doesn't like something about the place/people they are visiting, they leave."
"They do not expect, especially in the middle of the current world situation, people to leave their own homes so the guest can be comfortable."~krankykitty
"I don't know about the US, but here winged-snake-on-a-stick/goblet is a pretty fequently used imagery for a pharmacy logo. Wonder if she'd go to every single one of them demanding that it be taken down?"
"NTA. Regardless of whether a real phobia or not, asking someone to leave their own house to accomodate you is not a reasonable request, it's entitlement."~MeiSuesse
"NTA. If she really is afraid of a tattoo of a snake, she needs serious therapy. Imagery of snakes are everywhere and that's a very intense phobia if true."
"To be honest though this just seems like bs."
"Fears are hard to face and confront but it seems weird to me that she has no problem making you all jump through hoops for her."
"Having a fear or phobia is very understandable but the whole world can't realistically change for you."~givelilydragons
Hopefully OP and his sister were able to find some middle ground while she receives treatment for her intense phobia.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.