I see more than a few posts about people ending relationships with friends and relatives over excluding someone from a wedding party for "aesthetic reasons."
This is bizarre to me.
A wedding is (usually) a one day affair (looking at you, India) that most successfully married couples barely remember because of nerves, excitement, the fact that the wedding ceremony is (usually) less than an hour long and receptions only a few hours more.
The only people I know still complaining about some minor nonsense at their wedding are miserable and divorced.
Is ditching a lifelong friend or fracturing a family worth a couple hours? And, newsflash folks, no one is going to be obsessed over your wedding photos or the clothes people wore unless you're a member of the British royal family.
Why burn bridges for something no one else cares about that doesn't matter in the slightest to anyone but you‽‽
It's baffling.
A man whose fiancée threatened to cancel their wedding over his sister not looking picture perfect for their wedding photos—apparently she doesn't know any idiot with a smartphone can alter a photo now—turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
TA_Sib_Wedding asked:
"AITAH for not wanting to remove my sister from the wedding party over a broken nose?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (44, male) and getting married to Amber (35, female, fake name) next weekend. On Friday, I got a call from my youngest sister Luna (34, female, fake name) asking if I could pick her up from the hospital as her husband was away with work."
"Her job can be really physical and she's extremely outdoorsy and active, so her calling to be picked up from the hospital isn't unusual. When I arrived to pick up Luna, she was a bit of a mess, covered in blood, and when she smiled she was missing a tooth at the front."
"Turns out she'd come off her bike and smashed her face on the pavement. She's knocked out a tooth, got a fracture to her wrist, grazes and cuts all over including her face, and had broken her nose with some awful looking bruising around her eyes which has now come up."
"Luna's fine, just annoyed she can't ride her bike, and needs to rest. She did ask me not to tell Amber, which I thought was weird."
"When I told Amber that Luna was hurt, she asked if any of Luna's injuries would affect the wedding. I said Luna had a fracture to her wrist, so might have to carry her flowers differently and might find having makeup applied uncomfortable as she had broken her nose."
"Amber told me that I needed to tell Luna she couldn't be a bridesmaid anymore. I disagreed, as I don't want Luna to be the only sibling excluded, especially over a broken nose."
"Amber said that she didn't want wedding pictures like Luna's, she wanted pictures she could be proud of."
"In Luna's wedding pictures, she's got a busted lip because she got punched at work a couple days before her wedding and her husband had a cut on his forehead from headbutting a table during his bachelor party the weekend before the wedding."
"In those pictures, you don't see the injuries straight away, you see how happy they are. Amber then told me that she'd told Luna that if she had any injuries to her face in the run up to the wedding, then Amber was going to make Luna just a guest."
"I told her that I wasn't going to tell Luna that she couldn't be in the wedding party over a broken nose."
Amber's gone to stay at her sister's as she's mad at me choosing Luna over her and our wedding."
"Her sister has messaged me saying that Amber's considering cancelling the wedding because I'm not onboard with her vision for our wedding and said that I'm being an a**hole for not prioritising Amber and her feelings. She also said that Luna knew what the consequences of getting hurt so close to the wedding would be."
"AITAH for not wanting to remove my sister from the wedding party over a broken nose?"
The OP later added:
"This has gotten so many more responses than I ever thought it would. I've been reading the comments and it's been mentioned a few times about Luna's injuries and been speculated about how she gets them."
"My brother-in-law is not hurting her, nor is she doing it for attention. She works in private security, she got punched before her wedding day breaking up a fight.
"I was there when my BIL cut his forehead. I saw him headbutt the table and went with him to the hospital."
"When she had her cycling accident, she was wearing her gear, had her helmet on, but she hit a steep curb after swerving because someone opened their car door into the road without looking."
"Before this, her last hospital trip and accident was just before Christmas last year when she broke her foot after dropping a kettlebell on it.
"That accident should have made me realize about Amber, as she was upset that in all the pictures that had Luna in them from our family Christmas, Luna had a boot on her foot."
"According to Amber, it was distracting in her pictures, and there were a few comments on it on Amber's Instagram when she posted the pictures."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP wwasnot wrong to want his sister in his wedding (NTA).
"Tell her, 'Sorry, but I'm considering canceling the wedding because your vision of how we treat family does not align with mine'." ~ bookeroobanza1
"Notice she asked if her injuries would affect the wedding before asking about her future SILs wellbeing. 🚩" ~ MelanisticMermaid
"And a good photographer will fix any blemishes you want in editing." ~ aluminum_jockey54634
"No matter how good the photographer is they can't fix the spouse. They can give the spouse a makeover for days, but they can't turn a red flag green." ~ recursive_arg
"I'm still in shock at the lack of 'oh my goodness, is she okay, does she need anything? I'll drop by her place, etc...' from OP's soon-to-be ex." ~ cakivalue
"This was my thought. Luna can be edited to look bruise-free, but you'll never get that moment back with your family. I'm sure Amber plans to have herself touched up in pictures." ~ Reddit
"A decent photographer could turn Luna into a giraffe. Bruises are nothing."
"Amber is way too image-obsessed, and if this isn't unusual behavior for her, I'd certainly be rethinking if OP wants that to be their life from now on."
"Maybe telling Amber not to come back (or to the venue) until she corrects her attitude might be the wake-up call she needs." ~ Beth21286
"Woman is casting an episode of her soap opera idea of what a wedding should look like. DUDE, YOU'RE MARRYING A WOMAN WHO TREATS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY LIKE ACCESSORIES."
"RUN LIKE THE WIND!" ~ the_lewitt
"NTA, have to ask though, if you fell over the day before the wedding, would she remove or replace you, too?" ~ StealthyPiku
"NTA. At least Amber showed how superficial she is before the wedding."
"People like Amber seem to prefer Instagram perfection over reality—and that would be an exhausting way to live."
"OP now gets to make an informed decision regarding his future." ~ Fantastic_Quarter_79
"For real! My response to that would be 'I'm considering canceling the wedding because she is not onboard with my vision of a marriage where superficial things like this don't matter cuz we love each other'."
"It's crazy how quickly people forget weddings aren't the important part, the important part is the marriage. You know, the reason for the wedding." ~ Professional_Deer952
"Exactly! I've never been one to dream of my dream wedding or even marriage per se. My ultimate goal was to find a partner in life. Aesthetics be damned."
"We did eventually have a wedding we both wanted and could not have cared less what other people wore."
"It's the support and love from our nearest and dearest that we wanted. Not some fairytale." ~ PonderWhoIAm
"If your sister not looking the way Amber wants her to is a reason to call off your wedding, Amber is clearly not committed to this marriage."
"As soon as that threat was made, I'd be done with her. Id have just told her, 'OK, I'll start canceling things since the wedding photos are more important to you than me, my family, and what I want for my wedding'."
"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard given as a reason to decide not to get married. It's clearly a manipulative bluff to get her way, but I'd call her on it."
"Save yourself from years of misery or from legal fees for the divorce." ~ MohawMais
The OP provided an update:
"I've messaged Amber, and she's coming around this afternoon, and we are going to have a talk."
Reddit didn't have high hopes for this union.
Hopefully the OP finds a resolution that makes him happy, whether Amber is in his future or not.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp