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Sober Woman Mortified After Realizing She Inadvertently Attended Her Ex-Boyfriend’s Wedding

Photo Alto/Frederic Cirou/Getty Images

Seeing an ex-lover can be one of the most difficult things to happen to a person.

It’s especially emotional if there is a lot of bad blood.

So it can be quite the scene when exes lock eyes after a long time has passed.

You just hope the scene isn’t a surprise or that it doesn’t happen at, let’s say… a wedding.

Case in point…

Redditor Formal-Gur-4319 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.

She asked:

“AITA for accidentally going to my ex’s wedding?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“I (35 F[emale]) should start by acknowledging that 10 years ago I was a huge a**hole.”

“Like, unquestionably.”

“I had a drinking problem and treated the folks around me terribly, including my ex-b[oy]f[riend].”

“I’m sober 4 years now, working my program and trying to put better things into the universe.”

“I recently started my first relationship while sober and things are going well.”

“We’re about 3 months in, he (35 M[ale]) knows I’m in recovery and that I had a lot of folks to make amends to in my life.”

“A couple of weeks ago we took a small step into being more serious when he invited me to a college friend’s wedding where I would get to meet a lot of the folks he went to school with.”

“His friend was the bride.”

“The day of the wedding we were getting ready at his apartment and I saw on the invite that the groom’s name was pretty similar to my ex’s.”

“I didn’t put the pieces together because my ex has an extremely common name (think Bob Smith or Steve Jones level common) and the invite used a variation of the first name that is not what he went by when we were together.”

“I also thought my ex had moved across the country after things ended between us…”

“Which, if you’re seeing where this is going was clearly a mistake on my part.”

“We showed up at the church and sat with my boyfriend’s friends on the bride’s side.”

“We had arrived before most people settled into their seats and I didn’t see anyone I recognized at the time, so I relaxed a bit and chatted with the folks near us.”

“When I heard the music for the ceremony starting I looked forward and saw that the groom was my ex and it was too late to leave quietly.”

“I put my head down and tried to be as non-conspicuous as possible, but he definitely saw me because he turned as white as a ghost.”

“I told my boyfriend the 30-second version of what happened and he agreed that we would skip the reception.”

“When the ceremony ended we tried to exit quietly.”

“But my ex saw me on the way out of the church and got super angry.”

“He called me all sorts of names and said I ruined his wedding by being there.”

“The bride was just silently shooting daggers next to him the whole time.”

“I just kept apologizing and saying it was a mistake.”

“But I’ve spent the last week agonizing over whether I should’ve been more careful or double-checked before just showing up.”

“I’m also trying to figure out if I should send a gift or card or something apologizing again and explaining what happened.”

“Before realizing the groom was my ex I’d contributed to the gift my boyfriend was giving but didn’t send anything separately.”

“So AITA?”

Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.

“NTA I mean you didn’t intentionally go to his wedding.”

“Also it was 10 years ago… why is this guy ruining his own wedding for it?”

“He could have just ignored you and let you leave.”

“The more the reason to ignore her and then whisper to the best man to tell her to leave instead of making a scene and upsetting his current wife.”~ lukibunny

“If she traumatized him, it doesn’t work like that.”

“I’ve dated an alcoholic and if I saw him again, after the things he’d done I couldn’t promise I would be rational on a highly emotional day.” ~ Raccoonsr29

“Kinda glad someone else said this.”

“I dated an abusive unmedicated bipolar alcoholic drug abuser for 3.5 years.”

“If I saw him unexpectedly at my wedding I honestly might throw up on the spot.”

“I think I could refrain from an outburst but I’d probably cower behind my bf/fiance/husband until someone got him to leave.”

“There’s a 100% chance he would be removed from the wedding.”

“And a 100% chance I’d be some form of upset upon seeing him there.”

“There’s a non-zero percent chance I’d freak out.” ~ basilobs

“I just went through this with my ex (also an alcoholic) at our daughter’s wedding this past weekend.”

“Back story is too long to share, but even with two years of counseling, I could not hold it together when I was trapped in the reception venue with him and his new girlfriend (they cheated and she got pregnant) and his family. “

“There is more to the 26 years we were together than just this final fling that ended our relationship.”

“But I’m still working through all the things I accepted as normal and don’t have time to share.”

“I tried to avoid them as much as possible, but it was such a strong physical reaction, I had to quietly leave.”

“If someone that you gave a lot of yourself to, damages you, it’s sometimes impossible to hold back the emotions.”

“It was an accident on OP’s part, but her best move is to respect her ex and have no contact.”

“It may be the only way he can move forward.”

“It’s the only way I can.”

“I’m still an emotional wreck a week later and we only had a few minutes of terse exchanges and one smack on my back.”

“Crazy how words and actions are sometimes more painful than physical harm.” ~ iRunthesehills

“I’d probably be physically ill. It’s one thing to push abuse from your mind, it’s another to genuinely work on your trauma and overcome it.”

“And a surprise ambush?”

“I’d probably have had a panic attack.”

“OP is NTA, this obviously isn’t her fault.”

“But for anyone saying the groom’s being dramatic, we don’t know how he was affected by abuse and whether he has been successful in overcoming that trauma.”  ~ armchairepicure

“On top of all of this (that I’m surprised nobody has mentioned), even if the groom wasn’t necessarily traumatized, it would still make sense if he was concerned that she was drunk and ruining his wedding with her drunk shenanigans.”

“He doesn’t know she’s sober.”

“Honestly, that would be my first reaction, ‘f*ck me, this woman is going to get trashed and make me call the cops.'”

“He should have just had one of his groomsmen remove her before the ceremony even took place.” ~ Adrock_4the_Win

“I’d say NAH.”

“She didn’t show up intentionally to cause harm or drama.”

“She’s aware of her past and taking ownership of it.”

“If she’d known it was her ex, she wouldn’t have gone.”

“She did her best to keep a low profile and tried to leave before causing a scene but wasn’t able to do so in time.”

“From her own words, her ex’s reaction seems pretty justified, because the changes she’s making now doesn’t undo the damage she did back then.”

“He also has no insight into why she was there and couldn’t have known before he reacted that it was an honest mistake and she wasn’t looking for drama or to cause harm.”

“He might not even know she’s sober now and would be justified in assuming her same a-hole behavior from the past was still a risk at his wedding.” ~ anndor

“I agree that OP is NTA as it was a genuine accident but from his position, his abusive ex that he hasn’t seen in a decade shows up to his wedding.”

“He has a right to be pissed, why would OP show up?”

“For all he knows, OP showed up to stir sh*t and cause drama.”  ~ KweenOfTheSouth


“You on the other hand are pretty much the AH by victim-blaming the guy for a visceral reaction after seeing the abuser who traumatized him in his wedding day.” ~ hyperthrowmeaway

“NTA – It sounds like an honest mistake, and you left as soon as you could without making a scene.”

“Do not send a gift.”

“They clearly don’t want anything to do with you and you should respect that.”  ~ Mekoides1

OP had an update…

“Thank you to everyone who commented, especially those who shared advice.”

“I don’t want to re-traumatize my ex and many of the comments made me realize apologizing directly could do that and would be more for my benefit than for his.”

“My BF has offered to reach out to the bride (after some time for things to cool off) to explain what happened.”

“Let them know I’m sorry, that they don’t need to respond, and that I will carefully avoid anywhere they might be in the future so they don’t need to worry.”

“I will also be calling my sponsor tonight to talk through what happened and get advice on making amends without making things worse.”

Well OP, Reddit understands your situation.

It was an accident, you did your best to correct it.

Sounds like just moving forward is all there is to do.

Good luck and congrats on your sobriety.