When planning a private event, the first thing a person usually checks out is the venue.
Will it comfortably accommodate a certain number of people?
What menus do they offer?
Is there enough privacy?
Can security keep out unwelcome guests?
That last one is imperative.
Redditor Silly-Dragonfly-9390 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for kicking out a family that gatecrashed a private party?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I booked a soft play for my son's birthday party."
"It has both public sessions and private sessions."
"I obviously booked one of the private sessions and didn't interfere with the usual times it's available 'to the public.'"
"When I opened the buffet, a woman I didn't know approached me, asking if her children could have some."
"I explained I had booked the venue for a private party, she said, 'that doesn't matter, my children want some food.'"
"I replied no because the food was for the party."
"She walked away, telling her children to just wait until I had left the food area."
"Realizing she wasn't taking my answer, I asked the staff to speak to her."
"They did, explaining it was a private event and they needed to leave."
"She shouted that she and her children were not leaving and that I should be told to allow the children to have the food."
"I went back over, said again it was a private event, and she shouted 'what is a sandwich?!' repeatedly at me, until I shouted back that she needed to leave."
"She did eventually leave, 'flicking the Vs' at me as she walked out the door."
"The soft play wasn't at capacity, and in truth, there probably was enough for them to have some of the buffet, but the way she approached me with the assumption I'd say yes, and then blatantly planning to disregard my answer, made me stand my ground."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA for kicking out the gatecrashers?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Just a guess, but she probably would have complained that her kids' picky eating or food allergies weren't being accommodated."
"You did the right thing. NTA." ~ Go-Mellistic
"Watch her pretend her kid has an allergic reaction so she can sue the place."
"She's not entitled to anything." ~ Str4ng3-L0v3
"This. I work in a hotel, and it's something of a rite of passage for new employees to learn why we don't let strangers into the breakfast room."
"Very often a beggar will try to take much more than a reasonable amount, and once they're allowed in, it can become very difficult to stop them without having the situation escalate." ~ FoldedDice
"Yeah, maybe don't sink to their level and shout."
"But that lady can shove her entitlement."
"Sure, 'what's a sandwich?'"
"But how does she know if you only had enough for those attending?"
"Also, shame on the establishment that you had to handle it at all."
"They should have immediately intervened." ~ Ambitious-Effect6429
"NTA, no clue what a soft play is, but I'm assuming some kind of kid playground thing."
"You booked yourself a space and brought/paid for food for your invited guests."
"This would be the same as somebody demanding entry into your home because they could smell your dinner from the street." ~ AvgHeight510
"Erm. Obviously NTA."
"You are not entitled to things you didn't pay for?"
"What other possible answer is there?" ~ mtmp40k
"NTA. This lady sounds like an entitled mooch and is teaching her kids that the world owes them."
"You are totally in the right." ~ GBOC80
"NTA. It's a private party."
"I just had my daughter's birthday party in a private area I reserved."
"I saw some kids around and I offered dessert and treats to them."
"Their parents were super gracious."
"There's a difference between some kids being there and offering versus a parent straight up demanding." ~ Weird-Cauliflower360
"NTA, I try not to reward people's bad behavior."
"Especially at the cost of myself."
"If they had stayed, there was a good likelihood it wouldn't have stopped at wanting just a sandwich."
"Then you're in the thick of it, and it's a lot harder to remove them."
"Don't let problems snowball." ~ Sneaky_Clepshydra
"NTA. My instinct is that this is the kind of person who would bully you into letting the kids have food, then sue you when one of them had an allergic reaction." ~ johjo_has_opinions
"NTA, but also I've never been to a soft play that didn't have some sort of receptionist system when you pay before entering, or, for a private party, they check the names on a list."
"The staff really should have caught them before they came inside." ~ snickerdoodleglee
"NTA, it doesn't matter if there was enough or not, you booked it for your kids' party and that means it's only for people you invited, not just whoever happens to wander by and decide they want to play/food." ~ NameCareful9547
"NTA - anyone who can afford to pay for their kids to attend a place like that can afford to buy them lunch. It's not like this was a food insecurity issue."
"You did well by not caving to her entitlement."
"When people give in to demands like that, it only emboldens the entitled to do it again."
"Also, it was pretty dumb of her to tell the kids to wait till you'd moved on to get some food within your earshot."
"If she truly wanted to sneak them food, she could've been less obvious and maybe gotten away with it." ~ Careful-Use-4913
"NTA - Never give in to entitled people."
"The sheer audacity is mind-boggling."
"You paid for a private event?"
"Of course, my kids are entitled to eat your food for free!"
"I'm glad that type of attitude doesn't make sense to me."
"If it ever does, it will mean I've become one of them." ~ CheshyreCat46
"NTA. Screaming might have been overboard; you should have left it to the staff or security to physically remove her."
"But in no alternate universe was telling her that this was a private party and that she had her children could not have food and needed to leave inappropriate."
"She was clearly entitled and crossed a line." ~ No-Assignment5538
OP came back to clarify some things and give an update.
"OK, so first of all, I did not expect this to literally blow up the way it has... I thought a couple of people would say yes or no, and that would be it 😅."
"Apologies for the long edit, but there have been a few 'themes' within comments, so I'll try to address them."
"A soft play is a massive indoor climbing frame covered in padding and safety nets, with slides and ball pits, etc."
I think some may call it a 'jungle gym,' but I'm not sure that is a direct comparison."
"'Flicking the Vs' is a peace sign, but showing the back of your hand."
"About the same level of rudeness as giving the middle finger in the UK."
"The venue shares a desk with an adjoining sports hall, which wasn't running open sessions as it was hosting a game."
"Past the desk is the exit, (it's one door in, one door out thing), door 1 to the soft play, door 2 to the sports hall."
"I found out later she had come to use the sports hall and was told about the game."
'Staff thought she went out the exit."
"I've spoken to the venue about her being able to get in, and they apologized and are changing how they operate the private sessions."
"Despite this happening, I think the place has appropriate security measures."
"I think she took advantage of the staff being busy letting in spectators to the sports hall and tried her luck."
"As we have an invite for a party here in a few weeks, I'll know if they do and can raise it again if needed, but hopefully won't need to."
"I went back over when the staff member was talking to her because I felt bad that I put a young girl in the firing line."
"This woman was just shouting that she wasn't leaving, and I also hadn't spotted them come in, but I should have let her/her manager sort it."
"This is in the UK."
"This wasn't a food stamps have been taken and 'chance a free meal or starve tonight' situation."
"When she eventually left, she brought snacks out of the overpriced vending machine."
"That obviously doesn't tell any of us her full story, but the venue has like 10 places with a few minutes walk where much more affordable snacks and food choices are."
"Some people asked about the kids' ages."
"The top age of an invited child was 5."
"Her two kids were 8/9 and 9/10."
"I replied to a couple of comments that I would have told her the kids could have some after all the guests had eaten, if it had been a question and not a demand."
"I am responsible for my actions, but they were influenced by hers, and I am glad I stood my ground and wasn't bullied at my own event, although not proud that I did shout at the end."
"Again, I didn't expect this would get so much attention, but to those who were polite and asked questions, thank you."
"To anyone who asked 'why are you even asking?' or similar, I was asking to gauge if I was unreasonable for standing my ground because of her actions/reactions.
Reddit believes you, OP.
And they support you.
You had every right to stand up for your event.
This woman was manipulative and out of line.
Hopefully it didn't sour the celebration too much.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp