Taking care of your mental health should be a priority. But, when the steps you take aren't working, it is time to try other measures.
Talking to a professional might be a good way to start.
Redditor Independent_Tip_6550 encountered this very issue with their wife. So they turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
They asked:
"AITA for suggesting to my wife that my daughter (15) is taking too many mental health days from school?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My daughter is a sophomore in high school. My wife is a major mental health advocate and I like to think I am too."
"I believe in taking mental health days once in awhile if the stress and emotions with work/school are reaching a breaking point. BUT I do think there's a line somewhere."
"Here's the sitch, since quarantine ended and my daughter started going back to in person classes last year, she has been taking a number of mental health days since my wife told her that's okay."
"At first I was completely fine with it and I was understanding. I know high school can be rough especially having to deal with what the kids are dealing with in school these days."
"Well it's gotten to the point where it seems every other week or once every 3 weeks my daughter is taking a day off school, citing mental health. I think my daughter is starting to abuse this."
"Wife and I tried talking to her about going to therapy if she's really struggling this much, but she won't go. So honestly I think she's just taking advantage of her mom being so lax about this."
"Also, we haven't seen huge changes in her behavior. She still seems to be a happy 15 year old for the most part."
OP wants to support their daughter.
"It's important to care for your mental health, but my daughter needs to learn she can't skip school/work anytime she feels a little sad."
"I think my wife is enabling this so I had a talk with her. I told her that I think we have to put some sort of rule in place with these mental health days because she can't be missing as much as she is."
"My wife scoffed at me and said 'how dare you question your own daughters mental health' I love my daughter and I want the best for her. But I know she's always been a little trickster so I think she could just be taking advantage of this."
"I want to reiterate that I've had a talk with her about her mental health, asking if she needs anything from us, every time she takes one of these days. She says she's fine every time."
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors agreed OP was the a**hole.
"NTA, especially since you daughter refused to go to therapy. There has to be a line drawn somewhere, otherwise it will be just the abuse of privilege. Mental health is important, of course. Maybe there is something happening in the school."
"Have you tried talking to her?" ~ lioness-2208
"If she misses too many days without a doc note the state will likely cone after you for truancy."
"My step kiddo almost got in trouble. She missed s week due to Corona scare. We had no doc note, but the negative test eventually we worked." ~ PolyPolyam
"What state are you in if you don't mind me asking? I'm CA and you have to miss like a ridiculous amount of school. I didn't go to school for at least 1/4 of my senior year and it wasn't an issue. My sister was not there often either and had no one said anything." ~ juneXgloom
"My daughter, now 26, cut 4.5 days of school her Jr. year without me knowing. In PA, that warranted an actual hearing in Juvenile court."
"When she told me it was 4.5 days, I kept telling her to quit lying, it HAD to be a lot more than that...come to find out in court, that it was, in fact, 4.5 days."
"I was shocked! I apologized to my daughter for not believing her, but I was still pretty annoyed about her skipping school at the time!!" ~ Lovehatepassionpain
OP needs to have a longer conversation with their wife and daughter.
"Talk to her again. What is a 'mental health' day? How does these mental health days help her? Is she feeling stressed? Depressed? She should be able to answer these questions if it has something to do with her mental health."
"Whether she can answer not, if she is missing so much school she should see a therapist. Either she has a serious problem she can describe to you, or she cannot identify it and needs help with that."
"Oh. NTA." ~ Legitimate_Mess_6130
"I gotta ask, does it really matter (aside from the legal perspective)? Is she keeping up with her coursework? When I was in school (and remember I did not live in the US, so laws were different), we had a 75% mandatory attendance policy. I figured if I missed one day every week, that would still get me to 80. Accounting for unexpected illnesses, it was usually 1 day per 2 weeks that I skipped. Got no complaints, did pretty well in school. Parents signed whatever absent letters the school required. I have no regrets."
"I have taken at least one day off a month every month at work, sometimes more. No one complained as long as my work got done. Sometimes you just need a break from school The question to ask is, is it working for your daughter? If yes, why aren't you supporting her?" ~ definitelynotjava
"This is smart and makes so much sense. I have a feeling OPs kid needs that break to stay happy and healthy, and is most likely looking forward to it every week."
"I don't at all understand this panic about missing a few days a month - if being present every single day to do a bunch of tasks is "prepping you for adulthood", then the problem is the way adulthood is being defined. It's not about dropping out of society. It's about knowing your own limits and taking care of yourself."
"I have to think the people who are so up in arms about mental health not being a 'thing' are hugely overworked and burned out. And for what??" ~ emmakobs
Mental health days are important.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.