We always want to be there for our friends when they need our help.
Most of the time, we don't have a second thought about saying yes when a friend asks for help or assistance, on the understanding that they will likewise be there for us.
Of course, when one friend constantly asks another for help, and offers nothing in return, it's not unreasonable to question if maybe boundaries need to be set.
Or if this individual is even a friend.
The husband of Redditor Matushka_19 was excited to hear that his childhood friend was coming for a visit, even asking to stay with him and the original poster (OP).
The OP, however, did not share their husband's excitement at this friend's upcoming visit, owing to some disappointing behavior in the past.
Indeed, the OP held such a large grudge that they even urged their husband not to let this friend stay with them.
Wondering if they were out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to host my husband's best friend and his family?"
The OP explained why their husband's friend was "persona non grata" in their eyes:
"My husband has a childhood friend, both the same age."
"This friend had his wedding during COVID in 2020."
"Strict measures, you know the drill."
"At that time, we were living abroad, so crossing borders was nearly impossible."
"When he got the invite, we had only been together for a few months, so it was a fresh relationship (they invited him alone)."
"I was working in a COVID ward and managed to get him across the border as a worker in a private car (about an 8-hour journey), and I also got him a PCR test 2 hours before departure (I mention this because the whole arrangement wasn't easy)."
"He attended the wedding with a gift (stayed with his parents, wedding was nearby)."
"Four years later, we were getting married in chateau (about 4 hours from both my family and his, so halfway) and invited the friend along with his wife and child."
"They said they'd come and make a trip out of it, exploring the area."
"He was the only friend for whom we paid accommodation right at the venue, just like for family (5* hotel)."
"I was already struggling with this, as we had agreed not to cover accommodation for friends."
"It's also worth noting that this friend is a teacher and the wedding was on a Saturday, a week before the end of the school year."
"A few days before the wedding, they called to say they wouldn't come because he didn't get leave for Monday and it wasn't worth the trip for just a few days."
"We ended up paying for the room since it was too late to cancel."
"We didn't receive a gift or even a congratulatory card from them."
"Today, they wrote saying they want to visit because they're going to an event in our city and would appreciate accommodation for them and his sister."
"I'm against it because I don't see a reason to take leave, pick them up from the train station, and host them when I don't view them as friends anymore (no contact throughout the year, no birthday or name day wishes)."
"My husband disagrees, saying it's his best friend and I'm preventing him from seeing him."
"My husband's friend wouldn't have been fired if he decided to come to our wedding; it just would have been more challenging for him because he would have had to travel 4 hours on Saturday (the ceremony was at 4:00 PM, as is customary here, followed by dinner and celebrating until morning) and then travel back around noon on Sunday."
"He didn't get leave because it was a week before the end of the school year."
"I don't know his sister, and my husband knows her only briefly, from occasional meetings."
"They RSVPed yes, so we paid for and reserved the accommodation, but later called to say they couldn't come because they didn't have leave."
"Where I'm from, it's customary to pay for everything for the guests."
"For example, I've noticed that if a bride wants bridesmaids, she typically pays for their dresses and accessories (though good friends often offer to pay for themselves to keep costs down, but it's not expected)."
"So usually, guests don't even ask about accommodation; they automatically expect it unless told otherwise."
"I don't think this is ideal, as it creates various situations."
"I didn't smuggle him across the border."
"We were both medical workers ( but me in covid ward), and one of the ways to cross the border was by transporting medical supplies, which happened every Friday."
"I was responsible for selecting people, and I listed him so he could go that weekend."
"He had to complete training and paperwork for this."
"Long story short, it required a lot of arrangements not only on my side but also his side."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for telling their husband that their friend and his family couldn't stay with them.
Everyone agreed that the friend of the OP's husband seemed to be taking advantage of him, feeling that he wasn't really looking to visit them but instead just looking for a free place to stay, making the OP completely valid in their refusal to host them:
"Surely your husband can see his friend without you having to host him?"
"NTA."
"But sometimes it is hard to see when old friends are letting us down and using us."- RMaua
"NTA."
"Your husband can see him, but that doesn't mean that you have to host all of them."
"They don't want to see you or your husband: they want free accommodation, preferably with transfers."- diminishingpatience
"NTA."
"Tell them that, unfortunately, your house is unavailable to stay at. However, hubby would love to catch up for a meal while they're here somewhere out."
"Be interesting to see if he's worth their money to spend a meal with or they're just using him for the convenience of where you live."- DotObjective2153
"NTA."
"They aren't coming to visit you and your husband; they just want to use your home as a free Airbnb."
"'Unfortunately, we're unable to host you at that time due to other commitments'."
"'We'd love to meet up for dinner one evening to catch up, though, if possible'."
"'Can you let us know what days you'te available?'"- teresajs
"NTA."
"Your husband is holding onto good memories."
"But these days, their friendship isn't the same."
"This friend, is only friends, so they won't have to pay for hotel and car rental."- Alfred-Register7379
"NTA."
"But the friend sounds like a moocher."
"So this friend's accommodation was paid for so he and his family could attend your wedding but he canceled a few days before the wedding because he couldn't turn it into a free mini vacation?"
"Nice friend."
"Not even sending a gift or a card as a wedding gift should really tell your husband what a low-rate friend this is."
"I mean 4 hours drive is not that far so even if they drove up on the Saturday for the wedding, they still had a place to sleep and shower in the morning and explore the area after breakfast but again, they wanted a mini vacation so bailed on the wedding."
"What sort of friend does that?"
"BTW, we drove 4 hours just to spend a day with friends and then drove 4 hours back on the same day because these friends were kind enough to invite us to a celebratory lunch."
"The second clincher is the fact that they haven't contacted you throughout the year, but now that they need free accommodation in your city, they suddenly remembered your number."
"GTFOH."
"I understand where you are coming from because we used to have out of town visitors all the time but most were cheapa** jerks just looking for free room and board."
"Once we realized that they only contacted us when they'd be passing through our area, we closed our 'hotel' and would then say 'Cool, would you like to meet up for lunch/dinner?'"
"People stopped coming after that."
"Unfortunately, it seems that your husband values this friendship more than his friend does and he will need to see for himself that this friend is indeed a moocher."
"Let your husband know that you don't appreciate your home being used for free accommodation but, as he is your husband's friend, he can play host because you won't be taking time off or cooking/cleaning and you won't be giving up your room for them either (not sure how much space you have in your home but taking in a married couple with a child and his sister is a huge imposition)."
"Your husband may see things very differently when he realizes he has to do everything."
"The other solution is to offer to help find them cheap accommodation close to your home and meet for dinner."
"If the friend dances around this, then you and your husband will know they only reached out so they could stay for free."
"Also, how many days will they be in your city?"
"How will they get around the city?"
"Do they expect you and your husband to take time off work to transport them around?"-Ok_Smoke_1056
The OP later returned with an update, sharing that they took the advice of some of the Reddit community and where things currently stood between their husband and his friend:
"I followed the advice of the majority of you."
"I suggested the idea to my husband, and although he was hesitant, he agreed."
"We called his friend and proposed that we reserve a hotel for them and then go out for dinner together."
"Unfortunately, we explained that we couldn't host them at our place because we are busier than we would like, but we would be very happy to see them and even visit them in their area, or welcome them for dinner."
"The friend, however, seemed disappointed and hinted that they might not be able to see each other after all since they would have to pay for a hotel and were unsure if they could afford restaurant expenses in our area, as it's a bit more expensive here."
"He said we would figure it out closer to the time, but I got the feeling that they might not end up meeting."
"My husband was a bit disappointed but didn't say much and doesn't want to talk about it anymore."
"I feel bad that he's sad about this, but I still believe that he can put his energy into people who truly appreciate how selfless and kind he is."
"I'm also very grateful for all the responses."
"Many comments made me see things differently."
"I will never stop him from seeing his friend; that was never an option."
"I will update you all when the trip happens."
"Thank you all very much."
The response of the OP's friend heavily indicates the speculation that the friend of the OP's husband was, first and foremost, looking for free accommodation and not so much a chance to catch up with his oldest friend.
Let alone apologize for missing his wedding, and the financial cost his doing so cost them.
One can only hope this isn't how he behaves with all his friends, as that will eventually lead to him having no friends.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp