in , ,

New Mom Called ‘Petty’ By Her Dad For Not Letting Stepmom Be Referred To As ‘Grandma’

Grandmother holding her grandchild
Abraham Gonzalez Fernandez/Getty Images

When it comes to blended families, we like to think that everyone will like each other, get along well, and live happily ever after.

But that isn’t how it goes sometimes, pointed out the people in the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.

Redditor SecretlyYours12 had never had a good relationship with her stepmother and thought her stepmother made it clear that she did not want to be the then-teen’s maternal figure.

When it came time to have a baby, because they didn’t have a strong mother-daughter bond, the Original Poster (OP) didn’t think her stepmother should be close to her child, either.

She asked the sub:

“AITAH for refusing to let my stepmom be called ‘Grandma’?”

The OP’s stepmother was looking forward to being a grandmother.

“I (29 Female) just had my first child, and my stepmom, Laura (56 Female), is insisting my baby call her ‘Grandma.'”

The OP was skeptical of her role as a grandmother, given their relationship.

“Laura married my dad when I was a teen and has never been a maternal figure.”

“She even told me back then, ‘I’m not your mom,’ which was fine, because I already had one.”

The argument about the Grandma title turned into a family feud.

“Now, Laura says she’s ‘earned’ the Grandma title after years in the family, but I disagree.”

“I told her the title is for my mom and my partner’s mom.”

“Laura got upset, claiming I’m disrespecting her.”

“My dad backed her up, saying I’m being petty and should move on from the past.”

“I don’t hate Laura, but I feel ‘Grandma’ should reflect a real bond, and she’s never been that close to me.”

“Am I being unfair, or is it reasonable to set this boundary?”

“AITAH?”

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

  • NTA: Not the A**hole
  • YTA: You’re the A**hole
  • ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
  • NAH: No A**holes Here

Some agreed with the OP that a title like “Grandma” had to be earned. 

“I would remind her that she said that she wasn’t your mom, therefore doesn’t get to earn the title Grandma.” – theworldisonfire8377

“I would say, ‘You’re not my mom, therefore, you’re not my child’s grandma.'” – kmflushing

“Titles like ‘Grandma’ are earned, not automatically granted. If Laura didn’t act as a mother figure when she was growing up, it’s unrealistic for her to demand that role with her child.”

“She is simply honoring the relationships that matter most to her.” – looseygoose1

“My ex-husband’s step-grandmother was the kids’ Granny. They loved her so much, such a precious lady who covered my children with love. I wouldn’t change a minute with her.”

“I didn’t care that they called her Granny. I cared that she carried and shared so much love with my kids.” – Hot-Ability7086

“It’s not about hating her, it’s about giving the title of ‘Grandma’ to people who’ve been emotionally present.” – Craings197712

“‘Mimi’ is French for grandma. That’s what my daughter called my mother because my grandmother lived with us and it got confusing for her…”

“OP’s stepmom needs to check herself… My own stepmother asked if my daughter could call her aunt, and I was like, of course (we have a great relationship, not mom and daughter, but friends and cohorts, haha).”

“OP!! She said, ‘I’m not your mom,’ so she doesn’t get to be called Grandma, and if your dad isn’t on your side, that’s okay, just no unsupervised visits with them until your child is old enough to know the truth.” – Unusual-Honeydew-340

Others pointed out that families are complex and encouraged the OP to promote a better relationship for the baby.

“It is love that counts. She can be a grandmother to the children even if she was never a mom to the kids. Those are different relationships.” – BlazingSunflowerland

“Isn’t it possible you misunderstood why she said she wasn’t your mom? Maybe she wanted you to understand that she wasn’t trying to replace your mother in your life. Wouldn’t it be better for everyone if you gave her another name like Nan and let her love your child as a grandmother would?”

“For heaven’s sake, children can’t have too much love. Give her a chance.” – SoftApprehensive4432

“I’d be curious to know the context of that statement, ‘I’m not your mom,’ though.”

“I‘ve never met a teenager who wanted a new step-parent to act like a primary parent, especially if they still had both mom and dad heavily involved in their lives.”

“The fact that OP doesn’t hate this woman makes me think she may just have been trying to say she wasn’t trying to overstep boundaries.”

“I feel like if OP had omitted the second half of the first paragraph, a lot of these answers would be totally different. And really, that part doesn’t even tell us anything meaningful.”

“The woman my husband called “grandma” all his life didn’t marry his grandfather until two years before he was born. The grandma label was based on his relationship with her, not his mom’s relationship with her.” – JennnnnP

“I swear, it seems like so many stepparents cannot win. It’s like, if they try to be maternal/paternal, then they are overstepping because the kids already have parents! Then if they DON’T try to be maternal/paternal, then they should have because the kids really needed the parental guidance and love.” – Medusa-1701

“What is she ‘demanding,’ though? The child will grow up with Laura in a grandmother role. She’s grandpa’s wife and will likely be the one buying the Christmas presents, will be there at all the same occasions as Grandpa, etc. She wasn’t OP’s mom, but she will be this child’s grandma, that’s just the reality.”

“The child will grow up with this from day 1 and know no different. OP needs to let it go for their child’s sake.”

“I speak as someone who has two stepparents. One I didn’t really get along with as a kid and one who I did.”

“I was wary of my stepdad being grandpa, but quickly I realized that is who he is to my daughter. She doesn’t know how he was when I was a kid, and that’s not her cross to bear. I’m not going to make my kid’s childhood weird over decades-old drama that has nothing to do with her.” – Ok-Age2688

“My stepdad came into the picture when I was 12. He took no parenting role with my brother and I because we have a dad, and that isn’t his place. He would just back up my mom’s rules. Not a bad dude, just not a parent figure to me.”

“But I now have a son. He LOVES my son beyond measure and spends so much time with him, does diapers, reads books, teaches him things, plays with him, etc. and he’s got a grandpa name (just not actually ‘Grandpa’ because my son has four, and three of them all have the same name [eg. Jim] so all the grandpas picked their name).” – RAND0M-HER’

“Just to play devil’s advocate (not saying I actually feel this way because I don’t get along with my stepmother and never saw her as a maternal figure), but could the stepmom have said, ‘I’m not your mom’ because she knew that OP already had a mom and thought OP would resent her if she tried to be a maternal figure since she married her dad in her teens?”

“I think that might kinda make a difference. But other than that I truly think it’s up to the child. I’ve never called my stepmom mom, and she married my dad when I was 3, but I called her mom grandma and her sister’s aunt so and so.” – McNallyJoJo34

“As a stepmom, we all say that to our stepchildren because we are not their mom. We say that out of respect for their biological mom. We are a bonus female in their life that they could have fun with and bond with if they chose to. We follow the lead and give as much as they are willing to take.”

“It’s a hard position to be in. I came into my step kids lives in the teen/college years. The youngest and I have a good relationship because I was more of a fun aunt vs evil step mom. She will tell you that I was more of a mom than her own.”

“As for my oldest male stepchild who was in college, it’s a different story. He has no respect for me.” – lindalou1987

“Growing up, my Ma’s best friends we referred to as Aunt (insert first name) and my kid now also calls them Aunt! My mother has also been with the same man since she divorced my father and while they never married, he’s referred to as Pop-pop by my and my siblings’ kids. Those titles are designations of family love with a heavy emphasis on love.”

“My former in-laws (who are good people and I still have a relationship with) are a remarried couple and the woman who the kids call ‘Grandma’ is my ex’s stepmother. She treats those kids like they’re blood.”

“I think more and more people are realizing that just because you are related by blood, doesn’t mean it makes you family. And that’s a sign of healing in my book.” – Kitchen_Candy713

Though the subReddit could understand that the OP’s relationship with her stepmother was strained, most hoped that the OP could look beyond the past for the sake of her child. Many in the sub pointed out that while their relationships were less than perfect, any child would benefit from more grandparental love.

Written by McKenzie Lynn Tozan

McKenzie Lynn Tozan has been a part of the George Takei family since 2019 when she wrote some of her favorite early pieces: Sesame Street introducing its first character who lived in foster care and Bruce Willis delivering a not-so-Die-Hard opening pitch at a Phillies game. She's gone on to write nearly 3,000 viral and trending stories for George Takei, Comic Sands, Percolately, and ÜberFacts. With an unstoppable love for the written word, she's also an avid reader, poet, and indie novelist.