When it comes to blended families, we like to think that everyone will like each other, get along well, and live happily ever after.
But that isn't how it goes sometimes, pointed out the people in the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor SecretlyYours12 had never had a good relationship with her stepmother and thought her stepmother made it clear that she did not want to be the then-teen's maternal figure.
When it came time to have a baby, because they didn't have a strong mother-daughter bond, the Original Poster (OP) didn't think her stepmother should be close to her child, either.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to let my stepmom be called 'Grandma'?"
The OP's stepmother was looking forward to being a grandmother.
"I (29 Female) just had my first child, and my stepmom, Laura (56 Female), is insisting my baby call her 'Grandma.'"
The OP was skeptical of her role as a grandmother, given their relationship.
"Laura married my dad when I was a teen and has never been a maternal figure."
"She even told me back then, 'I'm not your mom,' which was fine, because I already had one."
The argument about the Grandma title turned into a family feud.
"Now, Laura says she's 'earned' the Grandma title after years in the family, but I disagree."
"I told her the title is for my mom and my partner's mom."
"Laura got upset, claiming I'm disrespecting her."
"My dad backed her up, saying I'm being petty and should move on from the past."
"I don't hate Laura, but I feel 'Grandma' should reflect a real bond, and she's never been that close to me."
"Am I being unfair, or is it reasonable to set this boundary?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP that a title like "Grandma" had to be earned.
"I would remind her that she said that she wasn't your mom, therefore doesn't get to earn the title Grandma." - theworldisonfire8377
"I would say, 'You're not my mom, therefore, you're not my child's grandma.'" - kmflushing
"Titles like 'Grandma' are earned, not automatically granted. If Laura didn't act as a mother figure when she was growing up, it's unrealistic for her to demand that role with her child."
"She is simply honoring the relationships that matter most to her." - looseygoose1
"My ex-husband's step-grandmother was the kids' Granny. They loved her so much, such a precious lady who covered my children with love. I wouldn't change a minute with her."
"I didn't care that they called her Granny. I cared that she carried and shared so much love with my kids." - Hot-Ability7086
"It's not about hating her, it's about giving the title of 'Grandma' to people who've been emotionally present." - Craings197712
"'Mimi' is French for grandma. That's what my daughter called my mother because my grandmother lived with us and it got confusing for her..."
"OP's stepmom needs to check herself... My own stepmother asked if my daughter could call her aunt, and I was like, of course (we have a great relationship, not mom and daughter, but friends and cohorts, haha)."
"OP!! She said, 'I'm not your mom,' so she doesn't get to be called Grandma, and if your dad isn't on your side, that's okay, just no unsupervised visits with them until your child is old enough to know the truth." - Unusual-Honeydew-340
Others pointed out that families are complex and encouraged the OP to promote a better relationship for the baby.
"It is love that counts. She can be a grandmother to the children even if she was never a mom to the kids. Those are different relationships." - BlazingSunflowerland
"Isn't it possible you misunderstood why she said she wasn't your mom? Maybe she wanted you to understand that she wasn't trying to replace your mother in your life. Wouldn't it be better for everyone if you gave her another name like Nan and let her love your child as a grandmother would?"
"For heaven's sake, children can't have too much love. Give her a chance." - SoftApprehensive4432
"I'd be curious to know the context of that statement, 'I'm not your mom,' though."
"I've never met a teenager who wanted a new step-parent to act like a primary parent, especially if they still had both mom and dad heavily involved in their lives."
"The fact that OP doesn't hate this woman makes me think she may just have been trying to say she wasn't trying to overstep boundaries."
"I feel like if OP had omitted the second half of the first paragraph, a lot of these answers would be totally different. And really, that part doesn't even tell us anything meaningful."
"The woman my husband called "grandma" all his life didn't marry his grandfather until two years before he was born. The grandma label was based on his relationship with her, not his mom's relationship with her." - JennnnnP
"I swear, it seems like so many stepparents cannot win. It's like, if they try to be maternal/paternal, then they are overstepping because the kids already have parents! Then if they DON'T try to be maternal/paternal, then they should have because the kids really needed the parental guidance and love." - Medusa-1701
"What is she 'demanding,' though? The child will grow up with Laura in a grandmother role. She's grandpa's wife and will likely be the one buying the Christmas presents, will be there at all the same occasions as Grandpa, etc. She wasn't OP's mom, but she will be this child's grandma, that's just the reality."
"The child will grow up with this from day 1 and know no different. OP needs to let it go for their child's sake."
"I speak as someone who has two stepparents. One I didn't really get along with as a kid and one who I did."
"I was wary of my stepdad being grandpa, but quickly I realized that is who he is to my daughter. She doesn't know how he was when I was a kid, and that's not her cross to bear. I'm not going to make my kid's childhood weird over decades-old drama that has nothing to do with her." - Ok-Age2688
"My stepdad came into the picture when I was 12. He took no parenting role with my brother and I because we have a dad, and that isn't his place. He would just back up my mom's rules. Not a bad dude, just not a parent figure to me."
"But I now have a son. He LOVES my son beyond measure and spends so much time with him, does diapers, reads books, teaches him things, plays with him, etc. and he's got a grandpa name (just not actually 'Grandpa' because my son has four, and three of them all have the same name [eg. Jim] so all the grandpas picked their name)." - RAND0M-HER'
"Just to play devil's advocate (not saying I actually feel this way because I don't get along with my stepmother and never saw her as a maternal figure), but could the stepmom have said, 'I'm not your mom' because she knew that OP already had a mom and thought OP would resent her if she tried to be a maternal figure since she married her dad in her teens?"
"I think that might kinda make a difference. But other than that I truly think it's up to the child. I've never called my stepmom mom, and she married my dad when I was 3, but I called her mom grandma and her sister's aunt so and so." - McNallyJoJo34
"As a stepmom, we all say that to our stepchildren because we are not their mom. We say that out of respect for their biological mom. We are a bonus female in their life that they could have fun with and bond with if they chose to. We follow the lead and give as much as they are willing to take."
"It's a hard position to be in. I came into my step kids lives in the teen/college years. The youngest and I have a good relationship because I was more of a fun aunt vs evil step mom. She will tell you that I was more of a mom than her own."
"As for my oldest male stepchild who was in college, it's a different story. He has no respect for me." - lindalou1987
"Growing up, my Ma's best friends we referred to as Aunt (insert first name) and my kid now also calls them Aunt! My mother has also been with the same man since she divorced my father and while they never married, he's referred to as Pop-pop by my and my siblings' kids. Those titles are designations of family love with a heavy emphasis on love."
"My former in-laws (who are good people and I still have a relationship with) are a remarried couple and the woman who the kids call 'Grandma' is my ex's stepmother. She treats those kids like they're blood."
"I think more and more people are realizing that just because you are related by blood, doesn't mean it makes you family. And that's a sign of healing in my book." - Kitchen_Candy713
Though the subReddit could understand that the OP's relationship with her stepmother was strained, most hoped that the OP could look beyond the past for the sake of her child. Many in the sub pointed out that while their relationships were less than perfect, any child would benefit from more grandparental love.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp