As lovely as it is to imagine all couples and their preexisting families coming together without a hitch, not all families blend together seamlessly and meaningfully.
When a parent doesn't prepare their children for entering a new family dynamic when they're preparing to get married, and doesn't teach them about respect, there's bound to be trouble, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Proud-Cantaloupe3449 had a very strained relationship with her two teen stepdaughters, who regularly pranked her and treated her poorly.
When they gave her a wig for her birthday to make fun of her thinning hair, and her husband accused her of taking the problem out on him, the Original Poster (OP) needed space from all three of them and wasn't sure what to do next.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for needing space and angering my husband after my stepdaughters pranked me on my birthday?"
The OP struggled to live with her stepdaughters' pranks.
"My stepdaughters (16 and 14) love doing pranks, especially on me."
"My problem with their pranks is that they are hurtful in that they either mock or offend."
"For the past four years, I have been trying to suck it up and let it go, but it has escalated."
The breaking point came on the OP's birthday.
"They got me a wig for my birthday."
"They were basically mocking me for my thinning hair, which is a symptom of a medical condition that I've been suffering from."
"Their dad would make them apologize, and would even punish them, but to no avail."
"This time, I asked for space, and he argued that I was punishing him for it. He went on about how he's the victim and how he's stuck in the middle between me and the girls."
"Now he's threatening to take the girls' phones away if I stay with my sister, and the girls will further resent me for it."
You can read their text message exchanges here:
The OP (blue) already seemed to feel hopeless at the start of the conversation:
"They'll [the teen daughters] probably do the same thing next year."
The OP's husband (gray) deflected:
"I apologize on behalf of the girls."
"I'm so sorry, hun, but I'm sure they meant well."
"And you kind of overreacted, to be honest."
"Where are you now?"
The OP stood up for herself:
"They embarrassed the heck out of me in front of my family on my birthday."
"How am I overreacting?"
The OP's husband didn't see the issue:
"Come on, it's just a wig! [You] should've just laughed [it] off and I [could have] dealt with them later."
"Please don't take it out on me. I promise I did not put them up to this."
The OP shared her concerns:
"My only issue with you is your enabling them to continue to abuse me over and over again."
"Imagine my daughter pulling this s**t on you. How would you react?"
The OP's husband deflected:
"I would most definitely NOT react the way you did. [You] should have had some respect for your folks, for Chr**t's sake."
"They're just kids, for crying out loud!"
"They'll grow out of it. Just give it some time."
But the OP didn't want to give it more time.
"I'm sorry I don't have the mental capacity to put up with this nonsense."
"Don't blame me for wanting some space."
The OP's husband shrugged her off:
"Here we go again!"
"And space from who? The girls or me?"
u/Proud-Cantaloupe3449/Reddit
The OP stood firm in her decision:
"All of you."
The OP's husband pushed back:
"I believe we've already talked about how you shouldn't punish me for any stupid s**t the girls do."
"And I never absolve them of consequences. I step up and punish them every single time, but you can't be punishing me by asking for space and basically ghost me when I'd done absolutely nothing wrong."
The OP questioned:
"How exactly am I punishing you?"
The OP's husband deflected:
"You know exactly what I mean."
"I'm not even going nto mention the other petty s**t you continue to do, even after I make the girls apologize."
The OP pointed out:
"Punishing the girls has done little to nothing to change the situation, and you know it."
The OP's husband pushed back:
"You'd be mad as h**l if I don't punish them, so..."
The OP set a boundary.
"No, I don't want that! I just want you to speak to them."
"Make them understand how damaging their behavior is."
"And I've made that perfectly clear."
The OP's husband acted lost:
"They never listen!"
"Fine, I'll just send them over to their mom's if that makes you feel better... after they apologize, of course!"
That wasn't what the OP wanted.
"You're completely failing to see the point here, and this is the root of the problem."
"I'm sorry, I still want some space."
"I'm going to be staying with [my sister] for a couple of days."
"Please understand that I'm not trying to punish you because of what happened."
The OP's husband threatened:
"No, just come home. We'll figure it out."
"If you don't, I'll take their phones for as long as you're gone, but they'll resent you for it, and things will get worse."
u/Proud-Cantaloupe3449/Reddit
The OP's husband lashed out:
"For the life of me, I can't understand what it is you want me to do right now!"
"I can stay out of it and let you work it out with the girls, but I know you won't, because you'd rather take it out on me and ghost me for days."
"If [your daughter] ever did something stupid to me, my problem would be with her and not you."
"Or at least I'd let you handle her without acting like it's your fault and then ghost you and say I need space."
"This feels like an endless cycle, and I'm so tired of having to be stuck in the middle like that."
u/Proud-Cantaloupe3449/Reddit
"My question is, did I overreact? Should I just let it go instead of escalating?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some pointed out that the "birthday gift" was a bullying tactic, not a prank.
"Not a funny prank at all. Sometimes teens don't understand what is funny and what is hurtful, sure, but it is their father's job to explain that to them."
"Simply punishing them without explaining that this was not a joke, you don't make fun of people's sensitivities, will not do anything."
"Saying, 'they won't listen to me,' sounds like a HIM problem. This is a valuable life lesson for them, and he is failing in his responsibilities as a father. He's raising little bullies. And bullying a member of your family is unacceptable." - Realitygirlie
"There is a difference between a dark sense of humor and bullying. Any sense of humor can cross the line and become bullying." - pepper_tuna
"I suspect your husband also has this 'dark sense of humor,' wherein the punchline is just being an asshole."
"I really don't trust anyone who uses that phrase anymore. It was once the way a comedian would make light of their own situation or punch up, but now people just use that phrase to mean, 'being an a**hole is my style of humor.'"
"That's not humor; it's just being an a**hole." - corinnigan
"They don't have a dark sense of humor; they just have NO empathy or respect for you. I can't imagine why with a father like that (sarcastic comment)."
"I'm sorry to say, OP, but you've married a s**tty husband, and he's raising s**tty kids. Bet they wouldn't like it if you got them a gift highlighting one of their insecurities, would they?" - perpetuallyxhausted
"This isn't dark humor. This was tactful humiliation; they had to plan buying this wig and have you open the gift in front of your family. Please treat it as such." - Temporary_Koala9958
Others' red flag sensors were bristling over the husband's deflections and threats.
"The 'if you don't do this, I'll do that to make the girls resent you,' is some full mask-off s**t. Don't know how someone types that out without thinking, 'huh, I'm obviously being kind of an a**hole here...'"
"I'm so sorry that you are married to this person. Good luck with the paperwork. (NOR but will be under-reacting if you continue to allow this to happen.)" - stumblef**k69
"'I dOn'T KnoW wHAt you wAnT mE tO dO!' Like, discipline your kids, bro. Discipline, as in disciple, as in TEACH THEM."
"Removing privileges can be a consequence of their behavior, sure, but it can't be the only thing you do. Otherwise, you're just teaching them not to bully by... bullying them? NOR." - SamiGod1026
"Huh, what? He's threatening to take their phones away to punish them, but at the same time, phrasing it like he's going to do it to punish you. 'I'll do a punishment if you don't come home, and the girls will resent you for it.' I... do not think highly of this man." - SnurrCat
"He is pretending to have no idea what his wife wants or needs from him as far as support, but he clearly understands how to weaponize his daughters' feelings against her. I suspect he may be a big part of the reason his daughters continue to act out against OP." - blancmystiere
"Her husband is a certifiable AH, just like his teenage girls who 'don't know any better.' Oh, they know. and they also know that dad punishes them because he 'has to or stepmom will get mad at me' or some bulls**t like that."
"HE is THE problem, in my opinion. If my son did anything remotely close to that to my partner, he'd never hear the end of it and sure as hell would never pull a 'prank' like that again. Prank, my a**, this is targeted bullying endorsed and defended by AH dad/husband." - DasSassyPantzen
Some urged the OP to respect the boundaries she had set.
"Boundaries aren't just for others to respect... you have to respect the boundary that you made."
"'It's no use' means he won't respect your boundary... Now you have to decide if YOU are gonna respect your own boundary, even if he has already decided he won't."
"You deserve better, OP!!" - jazzoraptor
"You set a boundary, and at the end of the day, it's meaningless if YOU don't enforce it. Why would anyone else care if you don't? Please take your own boundaries seriously." - PassionFruitJam
"I think there's another level here, which is that the step-daughters WANT to cause problems between the dad and OP. So they're getting what they want here, even if he does punish them."
"He needs to sit them down and really make them understand that OP is not going anywhere, and at 14 and 16, they're on the clock to be gone way before she's gone. Then he needs to FOLLOW THROUGH."
"It also has to be UNDERSTOOD that this is coming from him and not her."
"I would probably even go so far as to manipulate them with some good cop, bad cop, where OP is the good guy. Take the f**king phones and everything else and have her be seen getting them back for them." - nicenormalhappyguy
"If it were me, I would have purposefully broken out in tears and looked at the girls, asking why they would do that to you when they know about your problem."
"Nothing is better than getting them to stop when they get humiliated by everyone now looking at them with disgust."
"That, or look at them, and ask what's the joke because you don't find this funny at all, and that they should explain it to you in front of everyone."
'It's actually such a good trick. When someone says something out of hand, I'll bait them into repeating themselves, and you can instantly tell when they realise how stupid what they said was." - No_Hurry9076
"Don't make a scene. Make a MOVIE."
"You're not overreacting. You're WAY underreacting."
"This is horrific behavior that would be grounds for ending a relationship."
"If he can't/won't manage his daughters and their bullying, is your plan to just suffer through it forever?"
"That sounds like you don't like yourself. And you should." - FourMountainLions
The subReddit could not stop side-eyeing the OP's husband for how he was parenting his teen daughters and blaming the OP for it.
Clearly, if he had raised them better, taught them about pranking and bullying, and better prepared them for entering a new family when he got married, then the OP would have gotten something much more thoughtful and kind than a wig for her birthday.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp