It's hard for many parents to see their children grow up.
Realizing they aren't their precious little boy or little girl anymore.
Of course, some parents also can't wait for their child to fly the coop.
Some become impatient to the point of being resentful when their children take their time starting their adult lives.
Redditor Mikeylito2001752 was becoming tired of their adult stepson relying on them.
Particularly in one department.
As a result, the original poster (OP) laid an ultimatum on their stepson until he made a significant change in his life.
Wondering if they had gone too far, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for forcing my stepson to get a license?"
The OP explained why they were forcing their stepson to pay up:
"My stepson is 20 years old."
"He works part time, and has been lazy when it comes to getting a drivers license."
"He takes online college classes, 2 classes a week."
"I'm tired of having to take him to and from wherever he has to go."
"He has literally taken no action for anything in his life."
"I don't charge him rent. I've taught him how to drive, and his skills is ok."
"It would be much better if he took initiative and actually tried driving more."
"So I sent him this text today, please tell me if I'm the a**."-
"'Good Afternoon, sending expectations I have starting next year'."
"'Please have your drivers license by January 01, 2026'."
"'If not, I will start charging 100 dollars a month with an additional 10 dollars every month after'."
"'So for example':"
"'January (no license): $100 February(still no license): 110 March(still nothing): 120 Etc… so on and so forth'."
"'If you don't have a drivers license by January, I will expect payments the first of the month, Zelled to me, without question'."
"'Further consequences will follow as I see fit'."
"'I highly suggest you start driving more, asking to drive, take initiative , watch online videos, research, and simply take care of your business'."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP Fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community had little sympathy for the OP.
Some had trouble sympathizing with either the OP or their stepson, feeling the OP's motives were skewed, but agreeing that their stepson needed to learn to grow up and take some responsibility:
"ESH."
"The better solution would be to simply tell him you're not giving him rides anymore."-ConflictGullible392
"ESH."
"You're not necessarily wrong, you're just going about it in a very YTA manner."- OglioVagilio
Others, however, felt that there was no way the OP's point was going to get across with this method:
"Light YTA because there are about 20 better ways you could've approached this issue instead of sending a text."- Aesperacchius
"Let me get this straight."
"Up until now you enabled him and waited around for him to just decide to get a driver's license."
"He didn't and you're annoyed, so you, without speaking to the other parent involved, threatened to fine him rather than adult solutions such as having an actual discussion to uncover the issue or take an approach to encourage him to develop some initiative of his own accord."
"Ex. withholding rides for anything other than necessary things like work and medical appointments - no more 'fun' unless he learns or pays up for an uber."
"Also, where I live it is usual not just for a parent to teach a child to drive, but to get formal lessons. "
"Not only is the formal instruction of use, but if you use an accredited school, there is an insurance discount available."
"Perhaps your stepson would be more confident if he was given such lessons."
"I know I benefited from them."
"Your harshness here makes me think that you don't really care about motivating him to actually get the license."
"You just want to punish him."
"YTA."
"He's the 20 year old kid, not you, so do better."- 24-Hour-Hate
"I dont understand why dont you just stop giving rides and ask for money for that."
"Like, that would be reasonable and entirely normal."
"For that matter, asking for rent like a normal household would be OK."
"YTA for making rent size dependent on him having driving license or not."- 24-Hour-Hate
"I dont understand why dont you just stop giving rides and ask for money for that."
"Like, that would be reasonable and entirely normal."
"For that matter, asking for rent like a normal household would be OK."
"YTA for making rent size dependent on him having driving license or not."- unsafeideas
"YTA for how you're going about it with an arbitrary fee."
"Just charge him per ride."
"Listen, my brother did not get a license until he was 30."
"He had a lot of anxiety and would get stressed out when one of us tried teaching him."
"But he held jobs during that time, rode the bus, or walked home."
"He finally decided to pay for private lessons when he was 30 and spent a few hundred dollars before he felt confident enough to take his test."
"Never did anyone in my family charge him for rides during those years because we did it to be nice."
"Talk to your stepson, find out what's going on with the driving issue and talk about alternatives."- 2ManyCooksInTheKitch
"YTA for the escalating fine structure."
"Either charge him a set rate for rides (whatever you want to charge for your time plus gas) when you feel like providing them, or refuse to provide rides and let him figure it out, but the fine structure isn't reasonable."
"A person who genuinely doesn't want to drive (or doesn't feel capable of driving) shouldn't be penalized for it: they should be made to figure out how they're going to get around without driving (natural consequence-- not a punishment)."- hiddenkobolds
"YTA."
"But more because what are you expecting him to pay you for?"
"If it's for rides, then you should have said that."
"As it is, it looks like you've unilaterally imposed a random fine on a kid thats not yours for no reason."
"Which makes YTA."
"You could have just said 'I'll charge you $10/ride' or "I'll no longer be available to chauffeur you around'."
"Both leaving him options to sort his own stuff out."
"He's an adult, and he's not your kid."
"You should have looped his parent in before any hard limits were given, and you cant just apply a 'because I don't like you' fine."
"TBH, this comes across as a pretty bad move."
"Especially if your intention is to motivate the kid."
"I guess unless you wanted to motivate him to dislike you permanently."- Librarycat77
"I'm leaning towards YTA."
"And I'm saying this as a college student who doesn't drive."
"How heavy the judgement is depends on how much you may or may not be stretching the truth."- StereoChimera8906
"You call your stepson lazy when it comes to his driving license."
"Yet, he works and takes classes."
"You also mentioned he knows at least the basics since you taught him."
"It doesn't sound like he actually being lazy."
"I suspect there is an issue either you don't know about or you chose to discard as laziness. In any case, it's either YTA or ESH."- Certain-Business-632
"Where do you live that he has to get a ride from you all the time?"
"Is mass transit not a viable option where you live?"
"I ended up getting my permit at 26 years old, and didn't get my license until I was 29."
"Mind you, I've worked at the department of motor vehicles for 3 years before I got my license."
"So.. he gets a license."
"Then that means your insurance rates go up."
"Are you going to allow him to drive himself to work using YOUR car?"
"It feels like there's some part of the story missing here, but i'm starting to lean towards YTA."-Evening_Leadership_5
There were a select few, however, who saw where the OP was coming from, even if they didn't think they were handling the situation as best they could.
"NTA."
"But why not just stop giving him lifts everywhere."
"Tell him you are not going to and that he needs to get a licence asap."
"No need for financial threats, just firmly tell him nor more lifts except in emergencies."
"l presume he will have access to a car?"
"License isn't much good if not."- Spare_Necessary_810
"NTA."
"But I think it's the wrong way to handle it."
"Instead of charging him a fee, just tell him you won't be driving him anywhere after a certain date and if he wants to get around he's either going to have to start driving, taking the bus, or Ubering."
"He'll figure it out."- CaptainOwlBeard
"NTA."
"But you should have said on Jan 1 you start taking public transport or pay for Ubers."-FairyFartDaydreams
As children become adults, they eventually need to learn that they can't always rely on their parents for everything.
Even so, the OP charging their stepson to get their license is not going to have the outcome they expect it will.
After all, anxiety never leads to good test results, making the possibility of the OP's stepson outstaying his welcome without a penny to his name a likely possibility...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp