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Teen Distraught After Learning Why Her Parents Divorced From Mom’s Post In Polyamorous Facebook Group

Photo by Ben White/Unsplash

Secrets and lies will always find a way to be freed.

It may take a day or it could take decades.

But rest assured… the truth will out.

And even with the best of intentions, there is going to be drama.

Case in point…

Redditor throwaway82619237 wanted to discuss his story for some feedback. So naturally he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.

He asked:

“AITA for confirming for my daughter why my ex and I divorced?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“This is a rough situation where everyone loses, I think.”

“My ex and I divorced 3 years ago.”

“I thought everything was fine, but she raised the possibility of an open relationship and I didn’t want that.”

“That was a dealbreaker for her because she says she’s figured out that she’s non-monogamous by nature and felt stifled by not being able to express it.”

“I offered to go to counseling with her about it, but I just don’t want to be married to someone who isn’t faithful.”

“So, we split up, and the kids (18 f[emale[, 16 m[ale] now, 15 and 13 at the time) did not take it well.”

“Especially my daughter.”

“My ex insisted that we not tell the kids about her being poly, and that being the cause of the breakup because she wasn’t ready to be out.”

“So we had to couch the divorce as just not being happy or compatible with each other.”

“My daughter has always been very sharp and she got stuck on the whys of the breakup because it didn’t make sense to her.”

“We put both kids in therapy and tried to keep the divorce as painless as possible.”

“But my daughter really took it hard and is an angrier person as a result and it breaks my heart.”

“My ex has agreed to not expose the kids to her lifestyle until they’re both 18 at least.”

“But my daughter figured out that my ex was dating and their relationship has suffered.”

“My daughter went to college this year, but I got a text from her a couple of weekends ago asking to come to my place for the weekend to talk about something and of course I said yes.”

“It turns out that her mom had posted about her situation and divorce in a poly group on Facebook and someone sent my daughter a screenshot.”

“My daughter asked if this was right and the real reason we got divorced.”

“At this point, the cat is out and I’m not going to lie to my kid’s face, so I said yes.”

“She had some follow up questions about why we didn’t tell the truth, etc.”

“I asked her not to tell her brother due to our agreements and she said no, he deserves to know what mom is really like.”

“So, big mess.”

“Both kids are angry with their mom and won’t see or talk to her.”

“My ex is losing her mind at me over it and her family is pissed because they think I caused it by not saying it was a hoax.”

“I don’t know who sent the screenshot or why, but they kicked over a major hornet’s nest.”

“I guess I broke the agreement, I just didn’t want to lie to my kid with the evidence right on the table.”

Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.

It’s a tricky situation.

Let’s hear some thoughts…

“NTA. If your ex wanted to keep it a secret from the kids, she shouldn’t have posted publicly about it.”

“She told the whole world why you two split.”

“Her judgment clearly isn’t very good. I wouldn’t put much stock in her claims.”  ~ epostiler


“Your ex said she didn’t want to be out yet.”

“So SHE should have been more cautious.”

“I get needing support but if she didn’t want it reaching back to her she should have made an alternate account for the sake of her privacy.”

“This is not on you OP.”

“It was a kindness to agree not to be straightforward with the kids for her sake, she basically crap all over it by going around and posting about it online.”

“As if teenagers don’t use the Internet?? Or social media???”

“This is ENTIRELY on her, you agreed not to tell the kids, YOU didn’t.”

“Your daughter found out and asked you if it’s TRUE.”

“You never agreed to flat out lie to your daughter’s face and destroy her trust in you all so your ex could avoid blame.”

“Everyone getting on your case about this can kick rocks for wanting you to hurt your daughter and your relationship with her.”  ~ Mental-Woodpecker300

“She realized she couldn’t be fulfilled in a long term relationship without an open component and that was understandably a deal breaker.”

“I don’t think that’s any less legitimate than any other need in a relationship.”

“”Her post about the kids was sh**ty and idiotic to post publicly, but I think it’s fair to have those kind of thoughts in private with people you trust.”

“Ultimately being poly is like any other sexuality.”

“She wasn’t compatible with OP in the same way she wouldn’t be compatible if she was a lesbian.”

“OP doesn’t fit the criteria she realized she needed in a partner.”

“I’m not poly and personally it does ick me out a bit still, but I keep that to myself and respect their identity.”

“I’ve known poly people, it’s not something you do for fun.”

“The dynamics of a 3+ person relationship are incredibly complex and take a ton of work to maintain, I’ve seen it secondhand.”

“Having kids would make it way more complex, especially if they’re under 18 and you’re hiding it for ostensibly their sake.”

“She’s still a sh**ty mom but not because she’s poly, it’s just because she acts like a sh**ty person.”  ~ Urbanscuba


“You can be poly and a great person, a great mother…”

“Even if all she wanted (as some suggested) is a bunch of different d—s…”

“Your sexual preferences don’t necessarily affect how you raise your children or if you are present in their life.”

“She is sh**ty and that’s it. NTA OP.”  ~ Fun_Computer_8401

“NTA, you did the right thing for your daughter.”

“Being the child of divorced parents, I know how the situation your daughter was in very well.”

“It’s terrible when you know you aren’t being told the real reason of the divorce and you know you’re being lied to.”

“It took me 20 years to find out the real reason, feeling all along I wasn’t being told the truth.”

“It was a huge relief to finally know the truth.”

OP came back to give us a few more details…

“Edit: A few people said to include this from a comment.”

“I think it boils down to the way my ex worded the post and how that looks in light of some of my ex’s decisions in the divorce.”

“She pretty explicitly framed her family as an inconvenience to being poly and she refused joint custody and rescheduled her weekends often.”

“So the kids feel like she doesn’t want them and only cares about herself.“ 

“Glad your daughter figured it out sooner.”   ~ Librerosa

“NTA. You’ve respected your ex’s request to keep her lifestyle private.”

“Unfortunately she’s learned the hard way that private posts don’t always stay private on Facebook.”

“The greater harm would be to lie to your child when they know better.”

“Continue to give them support and honesty.”  ~ OriginalLCC

“NTA. If your ex-wife was so stifled that she had to divorce you when she did, she was ready to be ‘out.'”

“I don’t mean that in a ‘judgy’ way, but simply, and practically, if your ex wife was going to date others, she ran the very real risk of being outed by someone else.”

“And that is exactly what happened.”

“Instead of explaining her sexuality to your kids, she decided to hide it, which is going to do more damage to their relationship, as she is finding out now.”

“She had an opportunity to educate them on why she felt the need to leave, but wasted it.”  ~ avivaisme

“As someone who used to be super active in the toxic mom groups.”

“Don’t post anything you need kept hidden.”

“There definitely are support groups with great people but all it takes is one person to screenshot and crap goes down.”

“You were very diligent in keeping things hidden while the divorce was ongoing, but lying to your daughter once she had the truth in front of her, that would have destroyed any trust she had in you.”

“NTA. It was a very rough situation.”

“The only thing could have been for you to say, ‘let me speak with your mother and then we can all talk’ or ‘this is for you and your mother to discuss.'”

“The real jerk is whoever sent that screenshot. It wasn’t any of their business.”  ~ Juliennix

“NTA. It would be a bigger issue if you denied and lied about it.”

“Considering your ex wanted to hide it but didn’t mind making it social media official than its on her.”

“She should have knows your kids would sooner or later find it and then what?”

“1 parent that caused the divorce and both lied about it.”  ~ jasemina8487

Wow, there is A LOT happening here.

Divorce sucks.

And there is just no perfect way to explain relationships.

Hopefully OP and the fam can come together and have some heartfelt discussions.