Baking can be an intimate experience.
Some people love to just bake their hearts away, especially if they're baking for others.
Everyone loves a homemade dessert.
That's why bakers may want to be careful of who they leave off the list of who gets the goods, any who doesn't.
Case in point...
Redditor CrackSnapYo wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA For Not Baking Much For My Family?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I [16 M[ale]] started dating my girlfriend 2 years ago."
"I also got super super into baking around that time."
"I bake a lot."
"My girlfriend loves desserts."
"So I've given her a ton of stuff I bake, all kinds of different stuff."
"I often try to bake something new and then she gets to try something new."
"I honestly love baking way more than eating it."
"My girlfriend is the opposite."
"Well recently she gave me a scrapbook she made."
"She had counted every thing I baked her apparently, and she gave me this scrapbook after I baked her, her 100th dessert."
"It was filled with a picture of every dessert I've baked and pictures of me baking and her eating."
"She wrote a paragraph about each item I baked."
"Each item was dated too."
"She had been working on this for 2 years."
"She also wrote a long letter on how proud she is of my baking hobby, thanking me for the sweets, and telling me how much she loves me."
"It was the sweetest gift I've ever gotten and I honestly cried."
"I showed my mom and sister expecting them to think its cute but they were pissed."
"They were angry I've spent so much time baking for my girlfriend and not them."
"I just got into this habit and I loved making my girlfriend happy as well since she loves desserts."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA - you and your girlfriend sound sweet and your family sounds bitter." ~ vandajoy
"NTA - OP, don't let their reaction sour you."
"Your family is salty they didn't get any sweet treats."
"Tang in there!" ~ REDDIT
"NTA... and your mom does indeed sound bitter."
"But mate I am so happy your girlfriend cares so much, and that you give her something meaningful that takes time, and effort."
"Time is the most expensive thing in the world."
"It is impossible to get more of it, so every hour you spend baking for someone worth's more than anything you can buy with money."
"And that is brilliant."
O"P you are an awesome bloke!"
"Do not let bitter people tell you differently." ~ yago1980
"NTA. As a fellow baker f**k them."
"It's really annoying when you have a skill and family thinks they're entitled to the benefits of said skill."
"Had my brother's dad expect me to make a wedding cake for his daughter at one point."
"For free mind you." ~ Toxic_Flareon
"My family is the same way."
"They think they since I'm good at art and getting an art degree they're allowed to demand me draw them anything they want and if I even mention how are they going to pay me they get super offended."
"They also seem to think that since I'm good at one or two types of art I can do EVERY single type of art really well, which is simply not true."
"My grandma got mad at me when she forced me to decorate a blank shirt and it turning out bad even though I had never decorated a shirt in my life."
"She thought I purposely made it bad just because I'm good at drawing." ~ keepmeworm
"And look how much G[irl]F[riend] appreciated what you had been doing."
"She secretly made a scrapbook for you of everything you made for her."
"Now that is Sweet and you are NTA!" ~ pisspot718
"Given you're living at home and your mum and sister had to have been at least somewhat aware of the frequency of your baking (100 dishes in two years seems like roughly once a week... often enough to be noticeable)."
"It's really strange to me that they're just deciding to be mad about this now."
"Surely if this was a real issue it could have been raised much earlier. NTA." ~ eniretakia
"NTA... it's your hobby and your choice."
"But generally baking produces a lot of baked goodies, so maybe you could save your family one or two items as a sign of goodwill?"
"Not that I think you're morally obligated to do that, but it would be nice." ~ AdvicePino
"Totally agree. Yes he isn't obligated to do so, and NTA, but he also doesn't need to be spiteful about it."
"Presuming he loves his family, what's wrong with an olive branch?"
"A minor disagreement about baked goods doesn't have to become a family dispute."
"He's also 16, so learning how to be agreeable (not a pushover, but just understanding where the other party is coming from) is a great life skill."
"I personally can't imagine making hundreds of food items and not also sharing some of it with other people in the household occasionally."
"Not because I'm obligated to, but because sharing is caring."
"He also didn't specify how they broached it."
"Was it 'Wow, you're such a selfish prick.'"
"Or was it 'Wow! You've made her so many treats, we wish we could try some too.'" ~ nononanana
"Definitely NTA - since they provide nothing you owe them nothing."
"Personally unless they asked yoi to bake something for them id give them an ingredient list so its a fair trade." ~ uberninja25
"NTA - it's your choice to bake for whoever you want."
"If they want to bake/spend time with you they should ask." ~ onebigcoochie
"They really did not react well."
"It became ME ME ME with no appreciation at all."
"This was cute AF to read before the family reacted!"
"All they did is encourage OP not to share moments of his life with them."
"Parents who jump down their kids throats about their hobbies shouldn't be surprised when they don't tell you anything. NTA." ~ conditionalinterest
"NTA, but your girlfriend is so cute and sweet that I can't even focus on how big of a**holes your family is." ~ Horses77
"NTA, OMG OP. Dust that s**t off."
"It's a couples thing they are just salty they didn't get treats, or an amazing scrap book (I bet no one will ever make them something so nice)."
"Maybe if you wanted to make them some extra cookies that would be cool of you."
"That is a super sweet way for your GF to tell you that your efforts are appreciated."
"Some people feel entitled to the efforts of their family members (siblings, children) this is not so."
"If you had been drawing her art (they would be salty) if you had been writing her poetry, if you had been growing her flowers etc."
"My question is how did they not notice... Your new hobby?"
"How much time do they spend asking after you?"
"Maybe if they paid any interest in your hobby they would have scored extra cookies." ~ Kantotheotter
"My mom is a baker and she would always bake cakes for social events and parties at church or work, but she rarely seemed to spend the time to make anything our family could eat."
"So we'd get to smell delicious food we were never going to get any taste of."
"I never felt necessarily entitled to her baking, but it was hurtful that she'd rather spend that time for other people and not her family."
"I can understand why his family would be hurt that he's uninterested in sharing with them ever."
"Especially as to an adult, a relationship between 16 year olds doesn't seem likely to be permanent."
"I'd still say NTA, but I can understand if his family is hurt he doesn't want to share his talents with them." ~ AzureShell
"Baking is pretty hard to not notice though like I make so much noise even when I'm trying to be quiet."
"Pots and pans hit each other, whisks and spoons clank, flour and sugar inevitably get everywhere, things take up space in the fridge and freezer, etc."
"Like unless their family absolutely never ever goes into the kitchen or have rooms real far from it, it's impossible they've just never noticed." ~ cactuskirby
"I'm gonna say NAH actually."
"I don't think you're intentionally ignoring them, but you're 16."
"You live with your family, there's probably a pretty good chance they're providing for you, can you really blame them for being a little bit upset by the amount of work you've put in for your gf that you haven't for them?"
"I mean, I'm sure no one could expect you to make them 100 desserts but you live there, I'm assuming they're making you dinner, surely you could... make dessert?"
"I don't think you're the a**hole, you're 16, this kinda thing doesn't usually occur to teenagers, but I don't think they're the a**hole for asking." ~ bellbottombossanova
"That honestly sounds like the sweetest gift, I'd probably start bawling if someone took that much time to show me how much they appreciate me."
'I hope you guys stay happy."
"Don't let your family bring you down."
"You bake for whomever you want to."
"It's your time and energy." ~ Sarin031
Well OP, Reddit is with you.
Sounds like your skills are in demand.
After some fantastic shared desserts all will probably be well.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp