Relationships end and change for all kinds of reasons, and unfortunately, sometimes, it's because of a terrible tragedy.
However, no matter what our dating history looks like or what sorts of grief we have in our past, that doesn't mean that we cannot fall in love again and be a committed, loyal partner to someone new, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Myzyri faced two terrible tragedies, when the woman he expected to marry passed away in a car accident, and their daughter passed just hours after being born due to health complications. For them, he had a special memorial tattoo on his shoulder blade.
When his current girlfriend complained about having to see the tattoo of another woman's name and told him to 'get over' the tragedy, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he was holding onto something he shouldn't: the loss or the new relationship.
He asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for not getting a memorial tattoo laser removed?"
The OP lost his family about thirty years ago.
"I’m a 54-year-old white guy. I dated the same woman for six years through college and graduate school. I proposed just before graduation, and she accepted."
"Less than a month later, a car accident took her life."
"I was devastated, and I was young. I got a tattoo on my right shoulder blade that has my ex’s name, as well as the name of our daughter, who was born with a lot of issues and passed only a few hours after being born. It was a tough time."
After years of casually dating, the OP met Jen, who he thought might be "the one."
"Whenever I tell the story, girlfriends have never had a problem with it. In fact, they empathize with me."
'I recently started dating a lady named Jen. Jen is 47, has the same profession, and is gorgeous and intelligent."
"After years of me being a bit of a man-tramp, I take dates slowly these days. I’m not a horny kid anymore. I’m a horny adult, but I’ve learned a little decorum, LOL."
The OP was surprised by how Jen responded to the tattoo.
"Anyway, after two months, Jen and I got a little intimate, and she saw my tattoo. It’s 30 years old, so it’s a little blotchy and… it’s clearly an old tattoo. She was pretty upset."
"I explained the story, and she basically told me to, 'Get over it.'"
"Well, it happened 30 years ago. I’m pretty okay with it now, but that doesn’t mean I want to forget."
"She wants me to get rid of it because, 'You don’t have to see it on your back… I do.'"
"I really like her, but this seems a bit bizarre. It’s not like it’s fresh or that I maintain it. It’s just part of me."
The OP felt conflicted about what to do next.
"Should I consider getting rid of it? Or is she the a**hole, and I need to get rid of her?"
"I think I need to get rid of her… But maybe someone here can help me understand her point of view… Remember, this tattoo is a little over 30 years old. Thoughts?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that Jen should honor what formed the OP into the man he is now, not try to erase his past.
"Expecting you to erase the past is not awesome. Especially when it's something to do with someone who died, and the death of your child."
"These were tragic events, but they happened, and it's an era of your life where you had to be incredibly brave. That doesn't deserve to be swept under the carpet or removed from your body because someone else has issues."
"Jen is not awesome. She's insecure and lacks empathy."
"Now it's erasing a tattoo, but what next? Dumping friends and family she doesn't like? Selling your house and picking one she likes? Moving somewhere new to get away from your past? Dude, you are on a slippery slope if you stay." - NooOfTheNah
"This was your CHILD. You NEVER 'get over' that. This is completely unreasonable and cruel of her." - Bustysaintclair_13
"I’m already thinking Jen is a huge A-hole over being insecure and jealous about the tribute to OP’s late fiancé, but to be that way about his DAUGHTER that died too!? Disgusting." - venusdemilo94
"I'm dating a widow, and she asked if I have a problem with photos of her deceased husband."
"Absolutely not. She's got memories of him and her, and I mixed all over the house. Doesn't bother me a bit. They're part of her and part of what made her the woman that I love." - Razorreddie12
"I truly can't understand people like OP was talking about. They didn't break up; she wasn't the one that got away. She isn't an ex. She passed away. There's a huge difference. Every time my girlfriend talks about taking pictures down, I always tell her not until it's for you." - Dang_It_All_To_Heck
"Never waste your time on someone jealous of a ghost or spiteful of someone's memory. She isn't worth your time. While you should keep living, your late girlfriend (she's not an ex) and your late daughter both still deserve your time and your memories of them, no matter how long ago or how few."
"For Jen, it wouldn't be in sickness or in health. It would be in Jen's time and in Jen's favor." - ReasonableCookie9369
Others reassured the OP that he already knew the correct answer for what to do next.
"You already know this answer."
"It's not only insecure, but it's insensitive to what you've been through." - FormSuccessful1122
"It's pretty controlling, too. What happens to his body should not be her choice any more than the reverse, especially when it has a special meaning and isn't impacting his ability to date." - IndependentTimely639
"Seriously, it's not just a memorial to his deceased girlfriend but his DAUGHTER, as well, how f**king cruel. How insecure and hateful can she be?" - ArticulateRhinoceros
"OP, I want to point out that Jen is awesome just in the areas you've gotten to see in the very short time you've known her. Surely at your big age of 54, you know that many people are on their best behavior for the first six or so months of a relationship." - ReasonableCookie9369
"She got comfortable enough to let her mask slip. If she's able to be so cold and callous about one thing, I don't think it's a far stretch to believe she's capable of being so cold and uncaring about other things. You probably got a glimpse of who she really is." - Muted-Appeal-823
"Dating at our age and being offended by the reminder of a lost loved one is kind of wild. I mean, making comparisons or talking about them extensively is one thing."
"The majority of eligible men I meet are either widowed or divorced and come with kids, and photos and tattoos and stories are part of that. By your mid-40s, people have experienced a lot of life. It’s weird not to be understanding, even appreciative, of that." - sleipe
"'In every other way, she's awesome,' well, from what she has shown... dating is about reading between the lines, catching the things that show their true self. Everyone can be sweet and fun for dates, but that doesn't mean that is who they are."
"I bet this gets harder as we age, too. People get better at presenting themselves in public and hiding their true nature. Everyone has a good mask they can put on, and at that age, they've been practicing for 30 years. They know what works and what gets them liked."
"This might seem like a weird suggestion, but you waiting so long to get intimate might be a hindrance at your age. You've been living in lala land by just going on dates and only seeing her mask, so maybe you should speed up the process so it doesn't take two months to find the first red flag, assuming there weren't others that you overlooked." - justplaydead
The subreddit was hurt and angry on the OP's behalf about how he was being treated in the relationship he thought was going so well.
If the OP and Jen were to continue dating and possibly get even more serious and consider marriage, especially since the OP spoke so highly of her, there was no telling how much more Jen would demand of him, but one thing was certain.
If they exchanged vows, it wouldn't be about what they give to each other. It would be all about what Jen wanted and what Jen was unwilling to give up, married or not.
It was okay for the OP to move on and to date beyond his late girlfriend and his late child, but this didn't sound like the person he should do that with.
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