Guy Tells Friend Her Tattoo Honoring Her Late Fiancé Might Be 'Dealbreaker' For 'Most Men'

Bad tattoo or tattoo regret forums always seem to include plenty of stories of people adding a significant other's name on their body, then not staying with that person and needing to have it covered up or removed.

But what if the tattoo is for a love lost to death?

---

The person with the tattoo may not want it gone, but depending on what it says or how it's done, it may make new relationships awkward.

A man who tried to answer questions for a friend about her memorial tattoo turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.

Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice—like this post was—and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.

NorthernCanadaEh asked:

"AITAH for telling a friend that a tattoo on her chest saying 'Forever Brian's' is a deal breaker for most men? Even though Brian has since passed away?"

The original poster (OP) explained:

"I've got a friend named Ula that is relatively new as I've only known her for 4 years. All my friends are like.... 10-15 years+ with three being 35 years+."

"My wife calls me a 'slow burn' when it comes to making friends. She's super outgoing and makes friends almost instantly where ever she goes. Whereas I often say 'I can barely handle the friends I do have, let alone more'."

"It wasn't really until this whole situation came about that I realized I've known her so long and finally put her firmly in the 'good friend' category in my mind, making this friendship feel new."

"She has a tattoo on her chest just below her collar bone that says 'Forever Brian's'."

"She got it when she was quite young (early 20's) about 15 years ago when she was engaged to her first love, who unfortunately passed away due to cancer, is my understanding. I don't know the history beyond that it happened quite quickly and she got the tattoo after he passed away."

"I've been watching her date for about 4 years now and the tattoo has consistently been a sticking point for the 3-4 or so guys that I've seen her with. Each one has said it differently, but they've all said that they'd like her to get it removed or that it makes them uncomfortable enough to leave the relationship when it got serious."

"Last night Ula and my wife were having a girl's night together and I was downstairs enjoying some Baldur's Gate 3 when they both came down and asked for a 'guy's opinion' and harassed me until I put the controller down."

"I warned them, repeatedly, that if they ask me for a 'guy's opinion' that I would provide one but it might be hurtful."

"So, I asked the ladies if they remembered the movie Titanic? They both agreed. I asked them if they remembered what the core theme of the movie was. They both answered that it was a love story between Jack and Rose."

"So I told Ula, 'Do you know who it wasn't a love story for? Rose's husband. Rose's husband married her, had children with her. Stayed married to her for roughly 60 years and grew old together, overcame adversity and successfully had a long life together'."

"But Rose didn't think of her husband or those memories together when she died 60 years later. She thought of Jack. All of that living that Rose and her husband did together meant little because in the end when she passed over, she went to her first love, Jack."

GIPHY

"I looked at Ula and said, 'That tattoo is written confirmation that they're not your forever person. Which is fine when you're casually dating,  but what you're indirectly asking for when things start to get serious is if they're willing to sign up to be your Rose's husband'."

"I agreed that Brian had passed away over a decade ago. I agreed it wasn't fair. I agreed that they were stupidly competing with a dead person. I agreed that removing it won't change how she felt about Brian."

"My bottom line was this was a 'one guy's' opinion on the matter, which obviously all her previous boyfriends to some degree agreed with me on, as each one had raised it as a serious issue to them."

"I wasn't trying to start a huge argument, but that's basically what happened, so I tried a different approach and told her, 'Look, not trying to start sh*t, but everyone wants to find their forever person, what you're doing is basically telling these guys you've already found yours and that's not changing, so they keep it casual for as long as they can. When you try to get serious, they leave to protect themselves because no one wants to be a placeholder and it doesn't help how aggressively you defend it'."

"Shortly after she passed out on the couch much to my relief. In hindsight this should've been a conversation to have while sober."

"So, was I too harsh? Was I an a**hole?"

"Even the next morning she was slowly crying and committing to removing it. Which I told her to talk it out with more than just friends and maybe seek out a professional opinion before removing it, but I sure felt like a royal a**hole."

"It really felt like there was no winning here. Just a lot of hurt feelings and distant tragedy."

The OP later added:

"In all fairness, I had just smoked a joint and wasn't really on top of my mental game."

"Plus I was on the back heel the entire time, only getting a response in edgewise when they paused."

"I've watched her relationships end over a few years, so my wife and I had discussed the tattoo previously (privately, between us) a few times."

"This gave me a lot of time to consider how I would discuss it with her should the topic come up."

"Admittedly, there is some variability for the relationships ending, like communication issues or age differences leading to different expectations, but that tattoo was always a common denominator and frequently brought up by her exes."

Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA - You're The A**hole
• NAH - No A**holes Here
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors decided the OP wasn't wrong with his overall message.

But he was also correct in thinking this was a conversation that should have waited until everyone was sober.

"NAH, although having it with her while drunk wasn't great. I can't fault you for that as they basically ganged up on you."

"Also, while I sympathize with her, I agree with your response 100%. Nobody wants to, or should have to, compete with a memory."

"A suggestion, maybe she can find an artist who can transform it into a graphic that reminds her of him without the wording. A flower, wreath, character, whatever they had in common."

"A good tattoo artist can transfer a lot, BUT make sure she gets a GOOD ONE with good reviews of revisions. I would find that, as a female, a turnoff for a long-term relationship. I do not want to compete with memories. It is a no-win situation." ~ Heavy-Society3535

"This is a really delicate situation. You came from a place of honesty, but it sounds like it landed pretty harshly—especially since the tattoo is tied to a deeply personal and painful part of your friend's life."

"Here's the thing: You're not necessarily the a**hole for sharing your perspective honestly—you warned them it might be blunt, and you framed it as your personal 'guy's opinion'."

"But it's understandable that your friend felt hurt, because a tattoo commemorating a lost love isn't just a 'deal breaker' issue, it's a part of her grief and identity."

"You recognized this yourself by acknowledging Brian's passing and that removing the tattoo won't change how she feels. The problem was maybe how the message was delivered: it felt like you were asking her to erase part of her history to make others more comfortable."

"If you want to repair this and support her:"

"• Emphasize that her feelings and history are valid, and the tattoo means something important to her."

"• Acknowledge that dating with that kind of visible symbol of past love can be complicated, but it doesn't make her wrong for having it."

"• Suggest she talk to a counselor or therapist to navigate how to balance honoring Brian and building new relationships, if that's something she wants."

"Ultimately, it's her choice whether or not to remove or cover the tattoo. You can't control how others react to it, but you can be a supportive friend by respecting her grief and the complexity of moving forward."

"So: YTA for how you delivered it, but your concern came from a place of wanting to help, even if it hurt. Would you want her to be blunt with you about something that could impact your relationships? Probably not without care and empathy." ~ ILOSTMYUSB

"NAH, she committed to remove it, meaning you got through to her. She just had to process the pain of realising you were right first." ~ couchlockedemo

The OP provided an update:

"The friendship is strained, but we're good. She repeatedly expressed thanks (the next morning) on our drive home to her house, and I apologized for 'being an a**hole' a lot."

"Another Redditor suggested getting the tattoo remade into a picture or concept that deeply represents her love for him, but doesn't really remove it, which I really, really wish I thought of at the time."

"I'll certainly take your suggestions up, kinda structuring something in my head right now."

It sounds like the OP got the advice they needed and some great suggestions for Ula as well.