As a parent, guardian, or even an older sibling, we all tend to have a loved one we feel particularly protective of and who we want to see be happy.
Others around us may not always agree with us about how far we'll go to support them, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor HopefulChocolatepie was surprised when he saw that his transgender daughter's birthday cake, presented by her grandmother, had her deadname on it.
His daughter was so upset and clearly feeling rejected that the Original Poster (OP) walked out of the birthday party with her.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for walking out of my daughter's birthday party because the cake had her deadname on it?"
The OP's daughter recently celebrated her seventeenth birthday.
"I (46 Male) am a single dad to my daughter Alexis (17)."
"Alexis is transgender and came out two years ago. It's been a pretty big adjustment, especially for the older folks, particularly my grandmother, who is in her 90s and has mild dementia."
"Recently, my daughter had her seventeenth birthday."
"She already had a fun day out with friends planned, but my sister (who lives with my grandma and is her main carer) suggested we have a family birthday party at Grandma's house as well, and Alexis thought it was a great idea."
Then something shocking happened at the birthday party.
"By all accounts, the party went great, until it was time for cake."
"Now, baking has always been my grandma's passion, and even in her old age, she still bakes and decorates cakes all on her own. She usually makes them for family gatherings and takes a lot of pride in her work."
"My sister brought out the cake, and the frosting read, 'Happy Birthday, [Deadname]!'"
"As soon as she saw the cake, Alexis started crying."
"I quickly gathered our things and we left in a hurry."
"We had box cake and ice cream while we watched her favorite movie, and I eventually got her feeling better."
The OP's sister lashed out at him for leaving.
"While that was happening, my phone blew up with texts from my sister, but I put her on mute while I comforted Alexis."
"After Alexis went to her room and started gaming, I looked over the texts from my sister."
"They started fairly normal (Is she okay* Will you guys be coming back? Etc) and then devolved into accusing my daughter of being ungrateful and unstable."
"She said that Alexis should've put on a smile because Grandma worked so hard on the cake, and it isn't my Grandma's fault she's old, etc."
"I texted her back and said that Alexis didn't want to spend any more time with family today and that that was a horrible thing to say about her."
"My sister simply responded with, 'K.'"
"Most of my relatives are on my side, but I've been getting the silent treatment from my sister and grandma."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some found the sister's explanation to be a garbage excuse.
"NTA. Let me get this straight. Your sister wants you to believe that this was wholly the doing of the 90-year-old with dementia? As the caretaker of a 90-year-old with dementia, she felt solo-baking was cool?"
"Well, happy birthday to you, too, OP, because clearly your sister thinks you were born yesterday."
"Not to mention, it would have been so easy to say something like, 'So beautiful... I think you misspelled the name, so let's just remove it...' Smear the name off and say, 'Oh, look at the time, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ALEXIS!'"
"It's not hard to be supportive." - pottersquash
"Your sister gave you such a bulls**t excuse. Even if they did magically trust her to bake solely on her own, it is not even vaguely difficult to wipe away the frosting with the deadname and say, 'Sorry, Grandma. She changed her name, remember?' or 'It's actually Alexis's birthday today. Let's rewrite it, she'll never notice.'"
"Nahhh. Instead, they used her dementia as an excuse to harm a 17-year-old." - Kcinic
"They CHOSE not to correct the name or say anything. They also chose to let a 90-year-old woman with dementia make a cake for a specific person."
"How'd she remember what name to use? Why didn't anyone correct her? Because they didn't want to." - sunflower_jpeg
"Is my family weird for not putting names on birthday cakes? We just write 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY!' or just decorate them festively. Makes me wonder if OP's family normally does or doesn't. It would not be the first time that I've seen sh*tty family members finding an excuse to deploy the deadname." - TishMiAmor
"I have a history of f**king up writing on cakes. My brain and hands get misaligned, and I'll miss a letter or something. It's super easy to fix without anyone being the wiser, especially if you notice it pretty quickly."
"(And sometimes you miss it, and then the cake says, Happy Bi r thday, Kid,' with a tiny 'r' inserted above, and your ex-husband jokes about it every year for the next decade.)" - scatteringashes
Others sympathized with Alexis and knew how important her name was to her.
"For the birthday girl, the name means a LOT. If it had said 'Alexis,' it would have meant the world to her because it means her family is on her side and support her. But that's not what she got. She got a distinct reminder of what her family really thinks of her."
"Yes, not having the name would have stopped this from happening. But having the name would have been a gift all on its own, and I think that's what really matters here. Instead, she got kicked in the heart." - mordorxvx
"Choosing a new name is huge for trans people. It's a moment of empowerment, joy, and hope. A transformational and undeniably emotional moment, one we want desperately for our loved ones to respect, accept, and hopefully, celebrate with us."
"There are a thousand social, existential, hormonal, psychological, and logistic complications that come along with being trans and non-binary. It's a lot to manage. It takes a lot of self-reflection."
"It can be painful, We lose people. We're stalked, bullied, harassed, dehumanized, sexualized, mocked, and are apparently also the most recent target of the GOP, which means our lives just got elevated from 'living in a state of precarity' to 'oh cool our government is calling for our genocide,' and that's on top of the rape, violence, and general marginalization of trans folks."
"A name is simple. It's a sound people make to get your attention or refer to you. It's just a sound we agree on together. They change all the time for a bunch of reasons."
"For trans and non-binary people, a name is Everything. It's the future we chose. It's the hope we chose. It's the version of ourselves we have searched for and finally found. It's the person we have made a conscious decision after a lengthy, difficult, complex, and personal process of self-reflection, exploration, and liberation."
"It means we know who are are, we are claiming that person, and we intend to live up to their name, our name, our REAL name."
"To have that mocked, rejected, or refused is a special kind of heartbreak. Because that, at its core, isn't just a rejection of our name, but of our personhood." - PyrrhicPyre
"I'm assuming Grandma is also NTA because if she was a transphobic jerk, her granddaughter probably wouldn't love her or have wanted to spend the day with her."
"I haven't seen anyone going after Grandma, but if they are, I think people should know just how difficult changing names and pronouns are for people with certain neurological disorders. My grandma has dementia, and I know any name change wouldn't stick with her."
"My mom can't get pronouns right since her most recent stroke (though she never deadnames, bless her heart.) Somehow, pronouns are just like… stuck at the time when her stroke happened."
"So friends who transitioned before her stroke don't get misgendered, just ones after. And all dogs are boys because our dog at the time of the stroke was a boy, and all cats are girls for the same reason. And my cis boyfriend gets she/her pronouns since, at the time of her stroke, I was dating a woman."
"She knows this is a problem and is very apologetic when corrected. This is all to say: this very much reads as a deliberate oversight on the part of the aunt. She let it happen, probably on purpose, and then tried to use her elderly mother as a get-out-of-big*t-jail-free card." - Sangy101
"I've seen someone with dementia break cigarettes and throw them out the window and light their pants leg on fire when they just wanted to smoke."
"Nearly pour an entire pot of hot coffee in their lap when he wanted a cup of coffee, and try to smoke the empty coffee pot like a big bong. It sounds a lot funnier than it is in real life."
"If grandma has mild dementia it's probably not even safe for her to cook by herself at all, much less take that many steps all by herself without careful supervision. And more supervision than you would give a child 'helping' you."
"Follow the cake recipe. Bake cake. Let the cake cool. Make frosting. Frost cake layers if there's more than a single layer, and then write on it (which isn't easy to do, and takes practice, shaky hands and delicate wrists, and fingers with a touch of arthritis would have a hard time doing that)."
"I have a hard time believing someone with dementia would be able to do all that on their own without supervision, to begin with."
"Even with mild dementia, you would have to supervise to make sure the right ingredients and correct measurements were used just to make the cake batter, butter/flour or spray the pan(s), make sure the temp is right and nobody forgets the cake in the oven, checks it for being fully baked without getting burned, and lets them cool."
"Grandma didn't bake that cake by herself if she baked it at all."
"They used Grandma to push an agenda, thinking nobody would say anything at all."
"Source: I'm a cook, I've done pastry, taken care of a family member with dementia, and had to intercede for older neighbors with dementia as well, as well as having some a-hole family members." - SubstantialPressure3
After receiving feedback, the OP gave a brief update.
"Thanks so much for y'all's support. I'll definitely be reaching out to my grandma soon to get her side of the story."
"And to all those being transphobic to my daughter, f**k off. She's my girl, and I love her and support her no matter what, end of story."
The subReddit completely understood why the OP and his daughter wanted to leave the party with transphobic comments coming few and far between.
The one point many made, however, was that the grandmother likely was not the problem here, given her medical condition. More than likely, she was used to cover up a bias in the family, which only serves to make the situation so much worse.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp