Losing a parent is difficult for anyone.
When children lose a parent, it sometimes adds an extra layer of confusion and fear.
So it can make moving on more difficult.
Then, when a surviving parent remarries, it can feel like a deep betrayal.
That can be a very fragile situation.
Redditor Dry_Butterscotch522 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for throwing a gift from my Dad’s wife in the trash before I moved out of their house?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (18 M[ale]) moved out of my Dad’s house last month, the day I turned 18.”
“I no longer live in the same town. Instead, I moved in with three of my friends who are starting college next month, and I’m about to start trade school.”
“I’m working until trade school starts to afford rent and food.”
“The four of us are splitting the cost between us.”
“I did not take money from my Dad.”
“The day I left, my Dad’s wife gave me this photo album, saying it was a growing-up gift.”
“This photo album was photos of the seven years since she and my Dad married.”
“I did not appreciate the gift, nor did I want it, which I told her to her face.”
“She told me to take it, and I should have family photos when I moved out.”
“Before I left, I threw the album into the trash.”
“To explain why I did this, here is what the background is.”
“When I was 10 my Mom died.”
“She had an allergic reaction while we were out for a celebratory dinner for my Dad, and she died on the way to the hospital.”
“Mom was the glue that held us together.”
“Dad and I were never very close before she died.”
“But six weeks later, my Dad had already met his wife, and they boxed up all of my mom’s things, clothes, jewelry, photos of her, her phone, keys, anything that was just hers, and they brought it to the dump.”
“I never got anything, and neither did any of her family.”
“I was furious, and I will never forgive my Dad for what he did.”
“The very next day, he moved that woman in.”
“They were married four months later.”
“Had a small but still an actual formal wedding.”
“They dragged me to it and pretended everything was fine and normal.”
“She even gave a speech about being so excited to have a son of her own and all the ‘adventures we’ll have together.'”
“When I was 12, I got copies of a couple of photos of Mom from extended family and put them in my room.”
“Dad’s wife found the photos, and she removed them, saying I didn’t need those and I’d bring everyone down having them in the house.”
“I yelled at her, cursed at her, wished her dead, and my Dad yelled at me for disrespecting his wife.”
“I told him that day I wish he’d died instead of my Mom.”
“He told me he wished he’d let my grandparents take me after the fight they had about Mom’s stuff going to the dump.”
“I told him I wish he had.”
“The seven years of living with the two of them were hell.”
“I’m so glad I’m gone.”
“I have no respect for either of them, and I don’t care that my Dad lost someone too.”
“He threw her away and not just from him.”
“After I settled in my apartment, Dad suddenly remembered my number for the first time in three years and called me out for upsetting and disrespecting his wife by throwing her gift away.”
“He told me she did it out of love.”
“I ignored it.”
“She sent me a text on Dad’s phone telling me I should be surrounded by happy family memories, which is why she made the album.”
“I sent a photo of my room, which has photos of my Mom, ones I got copies of.”
“That was the only reply I made.”
“But I got several more texts, some from an unknown number after I blocked Dad saying I was acting spitefully.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Well, that’s something. But not your problem anymore!”
“Some well-intentioned fools who have only spent time in genuinely happy families will try to get you to make up.”
“Donʻt listen to them.”
“In a few years – years, not months – you might decide you want to try to reconcile.”
“Or you might never.”
“Either way is fine, do what feels right and donʻt listen to anyone’s opinion- except the therapists you should definitely see when you can afford it later.”
“NTA. Your response was appropriate.”
“And this is definitely the winning post for ‘Most Suspicious Circumstances.'” ~ NapalmAxolotl
“I went no contact with my parents after a verbally threatening altercation (they were scary; I kept trying to disengage for the sake of the child that had come on the visit with me).”
“My siblings bugged me to reconnect, so I did.”
“It was still awful, so I’m N[o] C[ontact] again because making other people happy in ways that destroy my own peace is not a good plan.”
“Anyway, count me as someone who tried to reconnect and regretted it.”
“Awful people rarely change for the better, especially when they think they’re getting what they want.” ~ Clean-Patient-8809
“Your disdain is 100% earned.”
“They’re terrible and his wife is even worse for being all here enjoy these memories of me, even though I threw every memory and memento of your mother away, whaddya mean you don’t want it?!”
“I would honestly tell anyone who says you’ll regret it when he’s gone exactly what he did and how it doesn’t seem like your dad regrets that you’re gone now or even that your mother was if he could so easily push you both out in favor of Wife #2.”
“You regret that he wasn’t a better person, husband, and dad.”
“I’m sure Wife #2 thinks she’s so different and special, but I don’t know how she could not wonder if he’d just throw every last thing of hers in the trash for Wife #3 the moment she passes or perhaps even gets ill.”
“How you get them is how you lose them and all that.” ~ ThatDiscoSongUHate
“Tell them when they have lived your life they can have an opinion but seeing they didn’t they can take several seats and keep out of other people’s business.”
“Hate it when people who have no clue about other people’s experiences want to be the ones giving advice, and as they never walked a mile in your shoes, they can keep their comments to themselves. NTA.” ~ SpendPuzzleheaded161
“You’re NTA and I definitely support going NC.”
“While I am extremely lucky (as shown by this subreddit) to have an amazing stepdad, not everyone is so lucky.”
“And if he had tried to erase my father after his passing, I would have hated him.”
“I know what it is to lose a parent young, and I can’t imagine going through that and then having their memory ripped away from you on top of the grief and devastation you’re already feeling.” ~ Putrid_Performer2509
“NTA! I feel so bad for all you went through growing up.”
“You did the right thing by going NC with them.”
“Stick close to your mom’s family.”
“Please for your mental health—- stay away from your toxic dad and his wife.” ~ Any-Maintenance5828
“NTA…your dad and his wife are deadbeats and should have never thrown away things that were rightfully yours.”
“You are her child.”
“She birthed you.”
“If he didn’t want them fine.”
“But they would go to the next person who did.”
“I’m assuming you showed some interest in the items.”
“And for your dad to heartlessly throw them away I’d say it’s borderline traumatizing.”
“Your dad isn’t a good a good father, and considering how fast your dad moved on maybe there was something going on behind the scenes.” ~ xXHis_OnlyXx
“It is true, but it is also true that it was incredibly cruel.”
“All of that was just brutal to read.”
“I am glad you went away.”
“Do not look back.”
“All of this is pure insanity. NTA.” ~ SunflowerPTSD
“NTA… I hope the coming years are filled with happiness.”
“Best of luck.” ~ RoyallyOakie
“NTA. Honestly, after everything your dad and his wife put you through, it’s completely understandable that you wouldn’t want that photo album.”
“They erased your mom’s memory and then tried to replace it with their own narrative.”
“That’s not okay, and it’s really dismissive of your feelings.”
“You’ve been through a lot, and you’re not obligated to keep something that represents a painful time in your life.”
“Moving out and focusing on your future sounds like the best thing for you right now.”
“Keep those memories of your mom close—those are the ones that matter.” ~ metro-keel-0t
“NTA. Your dad and his wife did not let you mourn or grieve.”
“Her removing the photos of your mom from your room at age 12 was totally unnecessary and unacceptable.”
“You had every right to want to remember your mother, and doing so was no reflection on her.”
“Instead she allowed her insecurities to impact you negatively and make it harder for you to remember your mom.”
“I can understand why you threw away a gift that was not really a gift but instead another effort by your dad’s wife to make you feel a certain way that you don’t actually feel.”
“I’m glad you have surrounded yourself with happy memories of your mom.”
“Going no contact with these people is a great call on your part.”
“I wish you all the best as you begin life on your own.” ~ cascadia1979
“NTA! I can’t even imagine this level of insensitivity towards a 10-year-old child who lost his mother so suddenly.”
“And the level of selfishness that your father has exhibited is astounding.”
“See, I get that he was grieving, but his first obligation was to you, not himself.”
“If he needed to erase your mother from his life, why did he also have to erase her from yours?”
“Your response to all this is normal and anyone telling you otherwise needs to SHUT UP.”
“Pictures of people who were so insensitive and downright cruel to a young, grieving child will do nothing but remind you of what they did.”
“The fact that your father and his wife believe you feel differently about them than you do shows a complete lack of awareness.” ~ mamaleo29
“NTA. I’m a mom.”
“I’d haunt my husband from the beyond until his final breath for traumatizing my kids after my death like that.”
“The death itself would be bad enough, but total erasure from the kid’s life?? Full haunt.”
“You deserve better, and I have no doubt you’ll be better off with your chosen family as you grow and build it.”
“Best of luck in trade school, OP.” ~ HistorineHeroine
“This reads like the plot of a Forensic Files episode. NTA.” ~ dothesehidemythunder
I am so sorry that all of this has happened to you, OP.
Reddit is definitely on your side.
It sounds like you’re doing what’s best for your mental health.
However, it could be a good idea to talk to a professional so that you can process all of this trauma.
Good luck with the apartment and trade school.