Death is never an easy topic.
So many people often never know all the right things to do or say.
Losing a family member or anticipating their end can be grueling.
So many deaths have far-reaching consequences.
And in the end, sometimes the best thing a person can do is be there for the others grieving.
This can be an issue.
Redditor ImaginaryEase9935 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally he came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA for planning to return from holiday IF ex-wife dies from cancer?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My wife and I are in our 60’s.”
“My ex (call her M) has terminal cancer.”
“I’ve two kids in their 30’s, from my first marriage, and my daughter is particularly close to her mum.”
“The marriage ended when the kids were 5 and 9, with me only seeing them every second weekend.”
“I have a good relationship with both kids but distantly cordial with M.”
“M didn’t tell me about the cancer, and I don’t know if she yet knows I found out.”
“My wife and I are planning a 6-week holiday in Europe.”
“I raised the issue of ‘What if M dies whilst we’re away?'”
“My wife was horrified at the idea I’d rush home to support the family and the extra cost of doing so.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for considering supporting my kids more important than continuing a holiday?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. If you go ahead and book a vacation, get travelers insurance and be sure it covers death in the family.”
“And then you go support your kids.”
“Your wife is either shockingly insensitive or super insecure.” ~ eowynsheiress
“I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“My F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] passed 2 weeks ago and hubby and I (40 and 37) are thankful to the family we have around.”
“It’s hard losing a parent no matter your age.”
“OP- NTA you’d be coming to support your children.” ~ Mountain-Republic728
“NTA- you’re supporting your kids, not your ex.”
“It’s a part of being a parent.”
“If you have the means, I would be ready just in case.”
“If not, enjoy your vacation.”
“I hope nothing happens.”
“There are tickets that allow for change.”
“You could look into that too.”
“How is your wife’s relationship with your kids?”
“Something tells me that if it were on the good side, she’d be more understanding and empathetic…” ~ Jumpy_Willingness707
“My husband’s uncle left his wife and remarried soon after.”
“When that aunt was killed by a drunk driver, he (the uncle) was the one who called family members (including my husband), and at the funeral, he and his second wife rented houses and hosted the whole family for the memorial service (three grown kids, spouses, grandchildren, nieces, nephews) where the aunt had lived because that’s what you do for the mother of your children.
“Untenable marriage doesn’t have to mean unsupportive parents.” ~ PrairieRunner_65
“Whatever you do support your children.”
“Your wife’s take on the situation is very concerning.”
“Please explain to her that just because you are divorced doesn’t mean that you are going to abandon your children during such a difficult situation.”
“You need to have a serious conversation with her about this and let her know that she can’t have such an attitude because it WILL affect your relationship with your children.” ~ Butterbean-queen
“NTA. Your wife is insane if she thinks you’re going to leave your kids de facto parentless.”
“And I genuinely believe if their mother died and you stayed on that vacation you would no longer be their dad.” ~ veganvampirebat
“NTA. Of course, you would go to be with your kids if their mother died.”
“It’s heartless of your wife to even suggest otherwise.”
“Those are your kids, and when she dies they’ll be in what is almost certainly the deepest grief they have experienced so far in their lives, and there will be a lot of logistics they will need to deal with that they will never have encountered before and that will be overwhelming while they’re reeling from grief.”
“They’ll need you, maybe the most they’ve needed you since they were little kids.”
“Get traveler’s insurance on your trip.”
“Get refundable tickets wherever possible.”
“If it happens, call the airline and tell them the situation and they can often make things happen for you in this kind of situation.”
“Tell your wife she can do what she wants, but being there for your kids when they lose their mom is not negotiable.”
“Either the trip waits or she deals with the possibility that you may have to cut it short.”
“My mom was devastated when she lost her mom and then her dad– and she was in her 60s, they were in their 80s-90s.”
“My dad and uncle (her sister’s husband) stepped in to handle a lot of the logistics because that is so hard to do when you’re grieving.”
“They were grieving too, of course, but not as much as my mom and aunt.”
“My cousins, in their late 30s, recently lost a parent, and my dad and his other siblings stepped in to help arrange things because again, that’s just so hard–especially when you’re losing a parent so young, and it is young to lose a parent in your thirties.”
“They will really, really need you, and it is vital to your relationship with them that you be there.” ~ lawfox32
“NTA-Funerals aren’t for the deceased.”
“They’re for their loved ones.”
“Do what you need to do to support your children?” ~ Ok-Bug9381
“Exactly this. I’m the ‘second family’ to my dad.”
“When his ex-wife died he went to her funeral with my (half) brother.”
“I asked why, and he said, ‘Whatever happened between us as a couple, she’s still my son’s mother and I need to be there for him.'”
“I wish every adult had the same level of emotional maturity as OP and my dad.” ~ LoudComplex0692
“NTA – How heartless your wife would like you to be?”
“‘Sorry kids, I know you just lost your mum and you’re sad and scared, but you can plan her funeral and clean out her house without me – I am having fun on vacation and I don’t intend to cancel my vacation, because money is more important to me than my kids.'”
“‘Sucks to be you!'” ~ KaijuAlert
“NTA, My mother passed away after a terminal illness while my father was abroad.”
“My parents were separated for a couple of years.”
“My father didn’t come back to support me and my sibling during this time citing that he’d be back in a week and a half and she probably wouldn’t want him there anyway.”
“I didn’t mind that he didn’t feel it would be right to go to mum’s service but to not have him here and instead have patchy connection and difficult time zone differences hurt our relationship immensely.”
“It felt as if he didn’t care for me or her enough to be there and at the time it felt he was rejecting her half in me.”
“If you have the opportunity to support your children during this time, do it.”
“Especially if this is their first time experiencing grief as an adult.”
“It will likely be a pivotal point in your relationship with them as adults.” ~ Mistress_Blind
“NTA, your children are going to need you, and they should always come first.”
“I’m a child of divorce nearing my 30s, and I know if my mom died, my dad would be there for me as much as I needed him to be, even if he was in Europe.”
“For the record, he goes to Europe yearly for long bike trips. he’s not remarried, but he has been with his new partner for 10 years, and I know she would also bend over backwards to make sure I had my dad if I needed him.”
“If your new wife has an issue with you needing to support your children during a time of profound loss that’s her problem your kids should come first.” ~ FreeStatistician2565
“OK, hot take, but it would ALSO be ok if OP wanted to rush home because he wanted to say goodbye to his ex.”
“She’s dying.”
“They had children together. They were once married.”
“I know in this case his motivation is not saying goodbye to his ex, but the folks saying it’s OK because he’s only doing it for the kids are reinforcing the idea that it would be OK to tell your spouse that they are not allowed to have closure with someone they once loved.”
“That’s weird and possessive and ignores that life is nuanced.”
“No one should ever begrudge their partner something like this.” ~ wirespectacles
“Agree. When my husband had his heart attack and was touch and go in the ICU, his ex came to see him.”
“She lost her s**t.”
“I was sympathetic, not jealous.”
“I held her hand while she cried.”
“This was the woman he was with for nineteen years and the mother of his teenage children.”
“Even when you divorce someone, the hope is that you still care for them, not hate them.”
“I will always have love for my ex-husband.”
“That is what humans with compassion do.”
“Would I go back?”
“Not a chance my husband and I could not be happier together.”
“But that doesn’t mean that the exes are to be dismissed as though they don’t have feelings.”
“Nurture the good in these relationships.” ~ UK_UK_UK_Deleware_UK
“My dad came and helped me clean out my mother’s storage unit and take care of things when she died.”
“They had divorced over 25 years prior. He also came to her funeral.”
“I did not expect him to, but I cannot express how much it meant that he did.”
“Your kids will benefit greatly from your support during such a difficult time.”
“I hope your current wife can understand that.”
“Definitely NTA.” ~ Happy_Sunshine123
“NTA. My Father did not come home when my Mother died, it was unforgivable, has affected our relationship massively.”
“He barely checked in on us, and not at all on the kids, age range 20’s down to 15.”
“If you can go you should.” ~ princessteenybash
“My parents divorced when I was 8 years old.”
“I’m 58 now.”
“I just lost my Dad this last August.”
“My Mom who has been remarried since 1976 cried too.”
“She said a lot of memories came flooding back.”
“She grieved too, and my stepdad wasn’t understanding, so she had to hide it.”
“She’s been there for me through my grief.”
“Be there for your kids.” ~ ABookishSort
OP has an update…
“Thanks for all the feedback!”
“I’m (mildly) ADHD and a bit on the spectrum, and so my wife often talks about my lack of EQ, which is why I posted this question as a cross-check.”
“I was utterly floored by her initial reaction and again when I tried to bring it up a few days later.”
“We’ve booked the travel but with fares that can be fairly easily changed to come back earlier.”
“As I do much of the planning, I will ensure most of the accommodation is cancellable.”
“My wife lives for her holidays; it’s about the only thing in her life that’s important to her (that’s a privileged position and may be hard to relate to).”
“Life is an endless balancing act.”
“Maybe I’m playing chicken by dodging the issue for now – hopefully, it’s a fight we don’t have to have.”
“I still don’t know if my ex knows that I know.”
“According to my daughter, she’s ‘OK but had a couple of weeks in the hospital recently.'”
“I’m trying to have conversations with the kids about this.”
“I think they are both somewhat in stoic denial, having been through this about 12-15 years ago with beloved grandparents who both died from cancer.”
This is such a tragic tale, OP.
So sorry for everyone.
You’re trying to be kind and considerate to your kids.
And it’s ok to feel bad about M.
It sounds like you and your wife may need a serious chat about life.
Good luck.