Let's face it: most teens and young adults are eager to start their own lives and cannot wait to move out of their parents' houses.
For those who were eager to leave, it can be a real shock when their parents start asking about moving in with them when they get older, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor wear-jacket worked hard to save up money and build a life for himself. When he managed to buy his first home, he was super proud of himself.
When his parents immediately came knocking, asking to move in with him, he refused to take them in, and the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when they accused him of being ungrateful for all they had done for him growing up.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to let my parents move into my new house?"
The OP was pleased to have saved enough money to buy his home.
"I (34 Male) recently bought my first home after years of hard work and saving."
"It's a modest but beautiful house in a quiet neighborhood, and I'm incredibly proud of achieving this milestone."
The OP's parents were eager to explore this new space.
"My parents (both in their late 60s) currently live in a rented apartment, and while they're not struggling financially, they've expressed concerns about retirement and wanting a more stable living arrangement."
"After I announced my house purchase, they approached me with the idea of moving in with me. They said it would give them a chance to downsize, save money, and spend more time with me."
The OP had reservations about inviting his parents into his home.
"While I love my parents and respect everything they've done for me, I was honest and told them that I wanted this house to be my personal space."
"I've lived with them most of my life, and I was looking forward to having my independence."
"They didn't take it well. They accused me of being ungrateful, reminding me that they sacrificed a lot to support me through college and early adulthood. They even suggested that I owe it to them to give back now that I'm in a better financial position."
The OP's parents even got the rest of the family involved in the argument.
"Some extended family members also chimed in, saying I should 'honor' my parents by letting them live with me."
"I tried explaining that while I'm happy to help them in other ways, like assisting with rent or finding a better place for them, I'm not ready to share my home."
"It's not about them personally; it's about finally having a space that's mine."
"Despite this, they continue to pressure me, and now I'm starting to feel like I might actually be selfish for saying no."
"AITAH for refusing to let my parents move into my new house?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that it was best to maintain his boundaries.
"Don't do this. If you let these vampires in, it will immediately not be your house anymore."
"They won't f**king 'downsize.' They'll cram your house full of that ugly blue china and precious moments figurines or whatever baubles they personally think are priceless, and then they will start making ever increasingly ridiculous demands."
"It'll start as suggestions like, 'Are you sure we can't have the master bedroom? There's an ensuite bathroom, and you know your dad has to get up a lot in the night. And besides, you're single, so it's not like you need all that space anyway.'"
"Then you'll never get them to leave."
"This is a recipe to destroy your joy and everything you worked for." - Blaster_Xtreme
"NTA. From the perspective of an older person, you need the independence of living alone. They need to figure out their own lives. I get along well with the grandkids who live with me, but if they get to a place where they want their own home, I will not insist on moving in with them." - Ill_Industry6452
"I am super uncomfortable with parents who believe their children owe them anything other than respect (earned, of course)."
"You did not ask to be born. They have a moral obligation to you, not the other way around. Ask them if they always planned on you being their retirement fund and why did they tell you from an early age?"
"Urg, some people." - enkilekee
"NTA. Oh, boy! Here comes the guilt-tripping and manipulation. I have the feeling that this is not new to you."
"None of those reasons are a benefit to you. Let them continue their current lifestyle. It's time for you to declare your independence."
"Give them an inch, and they will take a mile is a truism for a reason." - Nanabanafofana
"Stop it right now. You are NTA. It's your house, your home, that you worked hard to get."
"I will tell you what happens if your parents move in: it will be just like living again in your parental home. Your parents will butt in, will comment on what you do and especially on what you don't do. If your parents worry about retirement at this age, it's a bit too late for that: they should have taken measures before this."
"You are not the means to make up for their negligence. Your parents are using emotional blackmail to get what they want. It's simply a parent's duty to bring up their children so that they can go out in the world and make a life for themselves, so no, you don't owe them your house."
"Of course, you're grateful for what they did, but it doesn't follow that they have a right to your house. Did their parents have a right to theirs? Did they take their parents in? They can spend more time with you in another way besides living in your house."
"If you take them in, are you sure you can get them out if things don't work out? Why would your parents want to run that risk? I wouldn't dream of living in my son's apartment. Not that I don't love him, but he needs his own life and I need mine. That way, we won't get on each other's nerves."
"No, in order to preserve a good relationship with your parents, it's imperative that you don't let them live with you. Your parents might not see it that way unless you tell them. You don't need to 'give back' to your parents. Your parents should be happy and thankful that their child, in these difficult times, has a good job and now his own home."
"You are not an alternative piggy bank. As for other family members, let them offer their homes to your parents. I know you don't want to risk your relationship with your parents, but it's clear, to me at least, that you think more highly of them than they do of you. Tell them, lovingly but firmly, NO." - plantprinses
Others agreed and shared their stories of moving back in with their parents.
"Your kitchen will be your mom's kitchen. Your living room will be your dad's living room. Your TV will be their tv. Your schedule will be theirs to critique. Your design choices will become your mom's to approve."
"You will be stressed, anxious, and second-tier. In your own house."
"Now. That being said. I look forward to the day I can offer housing to my aging parents… in their late 70s and 80s. I'll have a bigger house and more space, and they'll likely need support. It'll be my choice."
"You're in your FIRST house for the first time, and your parents are healthy! This boundary doesn't need to be crossed yet. Shame on them for shaming you." - Pacific_Red
"I'm 74. Stand your ground. If they move in, they will further encroach on your life. I don't understand how parents do and say these things. And other family members chiming in. Good grief."
"And if you wish to marry, s/he would be in a difficult situation."
"Best of luck. Congratulations on the house. Sounds like an amazing first house, especially given the real estate market." - Active-Worker-3845
"Your parents are being ridiculous and selfish. When you choose to have kids, you raise them, and then you set them free to create their own independent lives and relationships of their own, and perhaps kids of their own. Just like your parents did. Just like I did."
"Read between the lines. If they moved in, they're in for life. You are their retirement plan and free elder care. They're not going anywhere. Good luck in finding a significant other who would put up with that! They'd basically ruin your life."
"Keep saying no. Just the one word, 'No,' which is a complete sentence. If they don't stop, end the conversation and put them on a time-out. Go live your life. You only get one. I'm speaking as a mom of two adults around your age, and I'd never dream of doing this s**t to them."
"NTA." - Laquila
"I am only a few years younger than OP's parents. I would never in a million ask my kids for a dime, let alone ask/demand that my wife and I move in with them. I would feel like my life had been a failure if I even considered moving in with either of my kids."
"OP needs to say no. As someone who sacrificed to raise two kids, they owe me NOTHING. I chose to bring them into this world." - No-To-Newspeak
"NTA. Speaking from experience, unless it's a necessity for health reasons, say no and stand by it!"
"Seven years ago, my husband and I both retired. We were looking for a house near my parents because we felt like due to their age, they were beginning to rely on us more."
"Once we found two houses we were interested in, they came to us to talk. They asked if we would be moving into their house once they died, and I told them yes because we love the house and its location."
"They proposed that we move in with them and use our money to build a wing for us on their house and make upgrades since it would be ours someday, instead of buying a whole other house."
"My husband and I both got along with them well, so we said yes."
"I still wish we hadn't. We did build our area, and it's a good thing because we hide out there a lot! First, they revert to treating you like a child, and that caused arguments. Then it's the fact that I am now the maid and the cook. If I don't plan dinner and cook, they eat unhealthy things that are not good for them, so now I overcook, so they have a couple of days of leftovers."
"Travel has become difficult for us. If I say we are traveling, my Mom pouts and says she misses us so much when we are gone. Then she calls and guilts me the whole time, asking when we are coming home, so it's not enjoyable. If I leave town to stay with friends and decide to stay another day, she thinks it's the end of the world."
"They want to be involved in everything we do. Join our car club and meet all our friends. We have no privacy. They get the mail and check what we get, doctor's bills, etc."
"We have adapted, but I still wish we had not moved in, and we have put a ton of money into this house, so here we are. It's time for you to have your own home, stand your ground." - Fabulous-Reporter-21
While some people have amazing relationships with their parents and could easily build a multi-generational home together with them, many people do not have the luxury of that kind of relationship.
Though the OP cared for his parents and did appreciate how they raised him, it was reasonable that he wanted to experience life on his own for a while, not to mention celebrate his success at purchasing his own home before sharing the space with anyone else.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp