People choose a specialized diet for a variety of reasons. Some people will support and enable their diet, while others might give them grief over it.
Eliminating meat and/or animal byproducts seems to be one of the most polarizing dietary choices. People can get downright militant for or against a vegetarian or vegan lifestyle.
A young person who used to be a vegetarian turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after finding out her family didn't support her former diet choice.
Lady_Squids asked:
"AITA For being mad that my family snuck meat in my food when I was a vegetarian?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"In high school, I was a vegetarian for a couple of years. I was really into it, not like vegan teacher crazy, but more like I just enjoyed being in a community."
"My family is a very Christian one with—lack of a better term—a culty church/group. I didn't show up to a thing once and had three people at my door asking why and 7 messages."
"I'm no longer a vegetarian as an adult though. I overheard my Mother and Grandma laughing and telling something to their friends."
"Turns out, the whole time I was vegetarian my whole family (even extended which is like 50 people) had a game where they would see how often they could sneak me meat."
"Cooking veggies in bacon grease and stuff like that."
"At birthday parties, family gatherings, thanksgiving, and just dinner at home. It was like an inside joke game for years, and I'm kinda upset."
"I confronted them, but they said they were only doing it for my own good, that I needed more protein. But they kept smiling and giggling to one another about it, so it felt like more of a joke."
"They can be a little sadistic honestly. I got sick of it once and ran away when I was 15, but was caught."
"My family literally just chained my window down and made me write them all an apology note."
"I dunno, maybe it wasn't a prank and they really did do it because they cared, but it still feels mean."
"I only just found out about this whole joke they did. I was vegetarian when I was 17 and 18, right now I'm 20."
"They all say I'm being a drama queen for being upset. So I guess what do you think?"
"Am I the a**hole for being upset by this or should I just laugh with my family?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I was a vegetarian and I found out my family had been sneaking meat into my food. I got upset and they said they were just trying to help me, so am I the a**hole for being upset?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Make some brownies and bring them over. Let everyone eat, but you don't eat."
"When they ask why, say, 'Because I know what's in them' and do not elaborate further then just go home." ~ DankVapor
"Also, never eat their food again. Tell them that you can't trust them if they acted like little kids as adults and then didn't even have the decency to say sorry."
"It might not be a battle worth starting, but what if you were still vegetarian? I would be mad as hell." ~ Relative_Dentist5396
"NTA. It's valid you're upset by this. At the same time, you can't retroactively do anything about it, unfortunately. So pick your battles. Although I would be wary of eating their food, considering the history of food tampering."
"Also, you may need to help your family understand nutrition. And just basic science. Bacon grease has 0 protein in it. Because it's a fat. Not a protein. It sounds like they think animal products = protein and that plant products can't have protein, and that's just horribly inaccurate."
"To be clear, the comment about teaching their family about protein was sarcasm because they actually did this to humiliate her, not give her protein. Although OP could give them science/nutrition lessons as a tongue in cheek way to insult them." ~ Mobile_Following_198
"Oh, it most definitely was a game to them. Although I also wouldn't doubt the scientific ignorance. There's a shocking amount of people who legitimately believe only animal products have protein in them. I'm not even a vegetarian, but I am a scientist." ~ Mobile_Following_198
"People who love and respect you—even as a high schooler trying on a lifestyle—don't do things to humiliate you behind your back."
"People who love and respect you don't secretly feed you food products you are choosing to avoid."
"People who love and respect you, show you love and respect."
"Next gathering or if it was me I would confront them individually, 'I don't understand how people who are supposed to love and respect me would make me the butt of a family joke that literally 50+ people were in on. I don't understand how laughing about it together, behind my back is what family who is supposed to love me would do'."
"'Can you explain to me how it is you show that you love & value me as the person I choose to be & not who you think I should be? How am I supposed to trust people who would be so unkind and disrespectful? If someone did this to you would you trust them? Ever again?'."
"OP do a little research on toxic family dynamics. The Golden Child and the scapegoats in families like this."
"I was the scapegoat. I finally realized that they will never let me be anything but the scapegoat, the butt of the joke, the adult they make sit at the kids table and the fodder for their cruel 'jokes'—the joke was always on me and never funny, except to them—because if I'm not the scapegoat, one of them will be."
"I fired them as my family when I was 55."
"Wish I'd done it by my 30's. I'd have made deep relationships with chosen family and had more than a few actual happy holidays. You deserve better." ~ No_Appointment_7232
"They did not care about your protein intake. Your decision made them insecure about their beliefs so they undercut you. Politely being a vegetarian makes other people so upset. NTA." ~ plurtoburtskunk
"NTA. I continue to be amazed (more than 25 years into being vegan/vegetarian) at how simply existing peacefully and quietly eating (or not) my own thing is so…. weirdly threatening to some." ~ Odd-Philosopher-6502
"NTA. Um, it is wrong to tamper with other people's food. I don't see how putting things into your food without your knowledge is funny or is a 'joke'." ~ DJ_Too_Supreme_AITA
"NTA. It's a about respect, which they didn't have for you. I would tell them that this really changes how you view them and your relationships with them."
"Hold them accountable, whenever they say they're being truthful just point out that you can't really know that because they have a history of lying to you. You don't have to get mad, just be upfront that you see them differently now and that's their fault."
"You don't have to cut them off or anything, but some healthy distance won't hurt." ~ blueswan6
"NTA and I mean, no offense, but those members of your family are mean little sociopaths. What else have they been doing to you secretly over the years? If you developed a food allergy would they think you were faking it and try and poison you?" ~ finalgirlsam
"A little sadistic?! I think you need to put some distance between you and these 'nasty little sociopaths' as soon as you financially and legally can do so. Hang in there!" ~ Tsurfer4
"I can see why you sought a community outside of your family."
"They will never acknowledge what they did was wrong. You were the butt end of the joke for years. It's just plain mean spirited."
"NTA. I'd consider distancing myself from them. What do they bring to your table?"
"So a bunch of righteous Christians made fun of you like that. Lovely. Pretty sure Jesus wouldn't do that." ~ Dangerous_Abalone528
"OP this is abusive, controlling and manipulative. Jesus didn't model this. When his disciples wanted to call down fire on others, Jesus rebuked them."
"Regarding the meat products put in your food all those years… they passive-aggressively took advantage of you and laughed behind your back. You were and still ARE the butt of their jokes. You are not a drama queen to speak up about your boundaries being violated and made fun of."
"Please ask yourself what you gain by letting this group of people manipulate you. Ask what you would lose by standing up for yourself and walking away. Are these relationships really worth the unkindness?" ~ SeaFans-SeaTurtles
"It sounds like you might want to talk to a therapist to get a read on what your home life was like from a third party. There's a chance you are just habituated to some fairly abusive behavior."
"This can become very important if you get in relationships and especially if you have kids and don't want to mess them up." ~ TwinkleFey
The OP's family may disagree, but Reddit reassured them they were justified being upset at being mocked and lied to.
Where they go from here is up to them to decide.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp