Dad Tells Wife To Take Off Work Using Vacation Days If She Wants Time To Herself Without Kids

The need to earn a living wage in the United States has meant most couples with children require two incomes to survive or thrive. But that creates new issues to address.

Who will handgle childcare? How will household tasks be handled? What should take precedence, more money or more family life?

A husband dealing with the fallout of choosing more money turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.

Youhavetimeaita asked:

"AITA For telling my wife to take time off work if she wants time for herself?"

The original poster (OP) explained:

"My wife (40, female) and I (39, male) have been married for 12 years and have 2 kids (9 & 7). We both work full time, but I have got promoted about 3 months ago that required a change to my work hours."

"I used to have the same standard M-F hours as my wife. But my new role has me working 10-hour shifts Thursday-Sunday."

"This promotion came with a pretty substantial pay raise as well. My wife and I discussed how my change in hours would affect our family's day-to-day lives, but we both agreed it would be worth it for the additional income."

"I use my time off on Monday-Wednesday to do pretty much all the family shopping, errands, cleaning, laundry, and have even been able to make substantial progress on some long put-off home projects. I also cook dinners and prep weekly lunches for the kids and my wife."

"The additional income is becoming noticeable as well as we haven't had this much in our savings account in years.

"A few weeks ago, my wife started griping about my new job. She hates that I am working all weekend because that means she's with the kids the whole time."

"She complains that she goes from working all week to solo-parenting on weekends. Both our kids are in activities on weekends so she has been doing that by herself as well."

"We talked about ways to ease some of the weekend stuff from her such as getting a babysitter, carpooling to kids' activities, taking the kids to their grandparents, etc... But she still complains that all of the leg work for those things will be done by her because I'm at work."

"She said she feels like she never has any time for herself since my hours got changed."

"To try and alleviate this, I suggested that she make plans with friends to do something on Monday or Tuesday nights. She tried, but got frustrated when her friends were busy those nights and wanted to get together on weekends."

"This led to another argument with her telling me that she hates my new job and that I need to look into changing my hours again."

"I told her that I have been trying everything to help ease the transition with my new job, but all I've been met with is hostility and frustration. I asked her if there was anything more I could do other than change my hours and she told me, 'No'."

"She said she just hates that she doesn't get a break and that I have 3 days to myself. I started listing off all the ways I have been trying to make this easier and how much more money we are making and she cut me off and said the money isn't worth it."

"I got frustrated and told her if she needs time for herself, she should just use vacation time from work if she's not going to be reasonable and help me find a compromise."

"She got even more mad and told me I am being an AH. She made me sleep in the guest room and told me that I can't come back to our bed unless I 'fix this'."

The OP summed up their situation.

"I got a promotion that requires me to work weekends. I have been trying everything I can to make this change easier on my family, but my wife hates it."

"She kicked me out of our bedroom and won't let me in unless I 'fix this'. I think I might be an a**hole for telling my wife to use vacation time at work if she wants free time for herself."

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA - You're The A**hole
• NAH - No A**holes Here
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here

The majority of Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole (YTA).

"YTA. You get time to yourself to get things done while the kids are in school. Your wife is either at work or 'on call' as a mom, with zero time to herself to get things done."

"Her 2 days off work are 100% dedicated to being mom, which as a dad, you should know isn't a break."

"You are missing a huge chunk of time with your kids. Yes, you are home Monday through Wednesday, but really you are seeing them an hour before school and maybe 5-6 hours after school 3 days a week."

"And possibly a few hours Sunday after work. You are missing all of the 'fun' time with the kids when you are doing activities or being together beyond the day to day drudgery of homework and baths and meals."

"She is burnt out and you are being obtuse about it and just focusing on the money. You won't have as much money if your marriage fails and you lose her income. And that is where this is headed." ~ FunBodybuilder4620

"YTA—the problem isn't with the compromises you've offered. It's that you're only offering her solutions for her to implement. I didn't see a single thing there about you validating her feelings, or spending your time to help alleviate the pressure."

"Have you dropped the kids off at the grandparents on a random Tuesday and run a bath for your wife ready for her when she got home? Or arranged for them to pick up the kids on a Saturday?"

"Have you ever even said, 'Jesus honey, your schedule must feel relentless with my new work. I get it. I understand'."

"You have the solutions, but all you're doing is giving her suggestions. Take the lead, man. Take care of her." ~ JesusFckImOld

"YTA for an obscene lack of sympathy for your wife."

"She's 'on' seven days a week either with work and/or the kids. You get three days 'off' every week where you can do your own stuff at your own pace, and no days where you are responsible for the kids all day."

"And there's probably a lack of quality time as a couple."

"I don't know what the solution is, there might not be one that ticks every box, but this one ain't it." ~ Right_Count

"YTA. Why haven't you used your Monday-Wednesday to schedule a sitter already? She doesn't need suggestions of more things SHE can do when she's telling you she's overwhelmed."

"WTF do you think just 'fix this' means? Please give me more stuff to do?"

"And unless she brandished a weapon, she never forced you to sleep anywhere. You could have said 'no' or told her to go sleep in the guest bedroom, but then how would you look like a martyr? You chose to go to the guest bedroom so you'd be able to whine about how much you suffer."

"Your wife essentially gets zero time at home without the kids, and two days alone with them. You get 3 school days worth of solo time, so stop 'discussing' hiring a sitter and do it."

"You sound like a very involved dad, but a lot of involved dads still wait around for mom to organize things, and while that may have worked when you were working the same hours, you need to take some of the mental load, too instead of patting yourself on the back for doing the things required to live in your house."

"You aren't 'helping out'. That implies all these things that need to happen to survive and live comfortably are your wife's job, but aren't you the hero for helping her?"

"She has to get the kids ready for all their activities on the weekend, so it should be on you to arrange the carpooling, schedule the sitter and grandparent visits, sign them up for their activities, etc... You know, PARENTING, not helping out." ~ DiskSufficient2189

However some thought the opposite (NTA), but not always in an articulate manner. 😬

"NTA, our kids are 7 and 9. She got 5 and 3 years with them as kids; after that, they'll mostly not be around or want to do anything with her."

"Since u make more money she can lower her time. Or try to arange to work 10 hours like u on the same days but less on the others."

"How dare she tell u not to sleep in ur bed.... how selfish can that person be? She doesn't want time with u or family time. She wants time for herself????" ~ Parasit1989

"Made me sleep in the guest room. Wtf are these childish relationships? NTA." ~ HamSlammy

"Just get divorced already, Jesus f*cking Christ. NTA."

"Why do so many people stay in marriages with people that obviously disdain them?" ~ SirDrinksalot27

Others saw no a**holes here (NAH).

"I'm reluctant to judge anyone an a**hole here, so NAH. First, tell your wife that you have heard her and that you understand how she is feeling."

"Second, apologize that it took you so long to act. Explain that you were still getting into your new roll and it just took you too long to put it all together."

"Third, reassure her that you are going to make things better by finding childcare and by stepping up on your nights off."

"Follow through. Use your Mon-Wed off to hire someone to provide childcare all day Saturday and one of your nights off. Maybe narrow it down to two-three options and let your wife help you with the final selection so she feels included and you are making a joint decision."

"Her first Saturday for herself, book her a day she'll enjoy, massage, manicure, etc..."

"Going forward, have a date night with her one night a week, and take the lead on childcare on the other two nights you are off." ~ Worldly-Wave-9310

"A lot of the points you make are reasonable, but can you see that this is killing your marriage?"

"I see the financial benefit, but I feel for her: working FT and parenting solo all weekend, with no quality time for you as a couple either."

"When did you last have a date night? Going out on a Monday or Tuesday is never going to feel like much of a night out. I'll go with NAH (for now), but it needs sorting somehow." ~ Sea-Still5427

"NAH but OP needs to look at the bigger picture. OP, your kids don't care about the savings account. They care that dad is never around." ~ bionica

While some felt everyone sucked (ESH).

"ESH. Your suggestion that she should use up her vacation days was stupid. I take it you're not interested in having a longer period of leave/rest together with your whole family in the foreseeable future?"

"She's an AH for demanding you just 'fix this' and banishing you to the guestroom. Not cool."

"I think she appreciates that you try to take care of as many household chores as you can when you are free, but it sounds like that isn't what she finds most important."

"She wants some time to be herself (not mom), and maybe she misses you/family time since it doesn't sound like you see each other as much as you used to."

"Is there a reason YOU can't get a sitter on the weekends?"

"Try to have a calm discussion about this, and LISTEN to each other. It's possible that you can make this work and these are just growing pains, but it is also possible that the money actually isn't worth it." ~ dundersnus

"ESH, but you just a bit more for not looking at the big picture."

"Your wife is utterly overwhelmed, and she is telling you this. She's latching onto and blaming the one thing that changed your dynamic, which is your job."

"What you have been trying to do Monday through Wednesday to help out and ease the burden is wonderful. And she probably really does appreciate it."

"The BIG picture/problem here is that you have 3 days off where you get to decompress without children. She gets 0 days off to do the same."

"She has also lost her partner when you got promoted. She now has to tackle every task, event, outing, etc... on her own on her 2 days off from work while taking on the full mental load from minding children."

"You stated you have been taking care of tasks/projects around the house on your 3 days off. Are the children there with you from the time they wake up to the time they go to bed, asking for this and that, needing you to do this and that?"

"No, they're off at school. Otherwise, they'd be crawling up your butt because they're bored. Because that's what a mom deals with. Even on her days off."

"And she used to be able to share this with you. Now there is nobody else to help fend off those relentless children."

"YOU need to hire a helper. Make sure your wife gets a day off. Even if it's not a full day. The additional stress is obviously getting to her."

"Make sure you're spending some quality time with your kids. And YOU need to hire someone either weekly or every other week to give you guys a night off to reconnect with each other."

"Your marriage will suffer, otherwise. And you don't sound like a bad guy, so don't throw away your family for a paycheck."

"The main thing is that YOU need to step up and research and hire someone trustworthy. Your wife can't handle the additional mental load at this time." ~ jgirlme

Most of the comments offered sound reasoning behind their judgment. There was a lot of advice and suggestions included as well.

Hopefully, the OP will find something that works for him and his wife.