The need to earn a living wage in the United States has meant most couples with children require two incomes to survive or thrive. But that creates new issues to address.
Who will handgle childcare? How will household tasks be handled? What should take precedence, more money or more family life?
A husband dealing with the fallout of choosing more money turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Youhavetimeaita asked:
"AITA For telling my wife to take time off work if she wants time for herself?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My wife (40, female) and I (39, male) have been married for 12 years and have 2 kids (9 & 7). We both work full time, but I have got promoted about 3 months ago that required a change to my work hours."
"I used to have the same standard M-F hours as my wife. But my new role has me working 10-hour shifts Thursday-Sunday."
"This promotion came with a pretty substantial pay raise as well. My wife and I discussed how my change in hours would affect our family's day-to-day lives, but we both agreed it would be worth it for the additional income."
"I use my time off on Monday-Wednesday to do pretty much all the family shopping, errands, cleaning, laundry, and have even been able to make substantial progress on some long put-off home projects. I also cook dinners and prep weekly lunches for the kids and my wife."
"The additional income is becoming noticeable as well as we haven't had this much in our savings account in years.
"A few weeks ago, my wife started griping about my new job. She hates that I am working all weekend because that means she's with the kids the whole time."
"She complains that she goes from working all week to solo-parenting on weekends. Both our kids are in activities on weekends so she has been doing that by herself as well."
"We talked about ways to ease some of the weekend stuff from her such as getting a babysitter, carpooling to kids' activities, taking the kids to their grandparents, etc... But she still complains that all of the leg work for those things will be done by her because I'm at work."
"She said she feels like she never has any time for herself since my hours got changed."
"To try and alleviate this, I suggested that she make plans with friends to do something on Monday or Tuesday nights. She tried, but got frustrated when her friends were busy those nights and wanted to get together on weekends."
"This led to another argument with her telling me that she hates my new job and that I need to look into changing my hours again."
"I told her that I have been trying everything to help ease the transition with my new job, but all I've been met with is hostility and frustration. I asked her if there was anything more I could do other than change my hours and she told me, 'No'."
"She said she just hates that she doesn't get a break and that I have 3 days to myself. I started listing off all the ways I have been trying to make this easier and how much more money we are making and she cut me off and said the money isn't worth it."
"I got frustrated and told her if she needs time for herself, she should just use vacation time from work if she's not going to be reasonable and help me find a compromise."
"She got even more mad and told me I am being an AH. She made me sleep in the guest room and told me that I can't come back to our bed unless I 'fix this'."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I got a promotion that requires me to work weekends. I have been trying everything I can to make this change easier on my family, but my wife hates it."
"She kicked me out of our bedroom and won't let me in unless I 'fix this'. I think I might be an a**hole for telling my wife to use vacation time at work if she wants free time for herself."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The majority of Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole (YTA).
"YTA. You get time to yourself to get things done while the kids are in school. Your wife is either at work or 'on call' as a mom, with zero time to herself to get things done."
"Her 2 days off work are 100% dedicated to being mom, which as a dad, you should know isn't a break."
"You are missing a huge chunk of time with your kids. Yes, you are home Monday through Wednesday, but really you are seeing them an hour before school and maybe 5-6 hours after school 3 days a week."
"And possibly a few hours Sunday after work. You are missing all of the 'fun' time with the kids when you are doing activities or being together beyond the day to day drudgery of homework and baths and meals."
"She is burnt out and you are being obtuse about it and just focusing on the money. You won't have as much money if your marriage fails and you lose her income. And that is where this is headed." ~ FunBodybuilder4620
"YTA—the problem isn't with the compromises you've offered. It's that you're only offering her solutions for her to implement. I didn't see a single thing there about you validating her feelings, or spending your time to help alleviate the pressure."
"Have you dropped the kids off at the grandparents on a random Tuesday and run a bath for your wife ready for her when she got home? Or arranged for them to pick up the kids on a Saturday?"
"Have you ever even said, 'Jesus honey, your schedule must feel relentless with my new work. I get it. I understand'."
"You have the solutions, but all you're doing is giving her suggestions. Take the lead, man. Take care of her." ~ JesusFckImOld
"YTA for an obscene lack of sympathy for your wife."
"She's 'on' seven days a week either with work and/or the kids. You get three days 'off' every week where you can do your own stuff at your own pace, and no days where you are responsible for the kids all day."
"And there's probably a lack of quality time as a couple."
"I don't know what the solution is, there might not be one that ticks every box, but this one ain't it." ~ Right_Count
"YTA. Why haven't you used your Monday-Wednesday to schedule a sitter already? She doesn't need suggestions of more things SHE can do when she's telling you she's overwhelmed."
"WTF do you think just 'fix this' means? Please give me more stuff to do?"
"And unless she brandished a weapon, she never forced you to sleep anywhere. You could have said 'no' or told her to go sleep in the guest bedroom, but then how would you look like a martyr? You chose to go to the guest bedroom so you'd be able to whine about how much you suffer."
"Your wife essentially gets zero time at home without the kids, and two days alone with them. You get 3 school days worth of solo time, so stop 'discussing' hiring a sitter and do it."
"You sound like a very involved dad, but a lot of involved dads still wait around for mom to organize things, and while that may have worked when you were working the same hours, you need to take some of the mental load, too instead of patting yourself on the back for doing the things required to live in your house."
"You aren't 'helping out'. That implies all these things that need to happen to survive and live comfortably are your wife's job, but aren't you the hero for helping her?"
"She has to get the kids ready for all their activities on the weekend, so it should be on you to arrange the carpooling, schedule the sitter and grandparent visits, sign them up for their activities, etc... You know, PARENTING, not helping out." ~ DiskSufficient2189
However some thought the opposite (NTA), but not always in an articulate manner. 😬
"NTA, our kids are 7 and 9. She got 5 and 3 years with them as kids; after that, they'll mostly not be around or want to do anything with her."
"Since u make more money she can lower her time. Or try to arange to work 10 hours like u on the same days but less on the others."
"How dare she tell u not to sleep in ur bed.... how selfish can that person be? She doesn't want time with u or family time. She wants time for herself????" ~ Parasit1989
"Made me sleep in the guest room. Wtf are these childish relationships? NTA." ~ HamSlammy
"Just get divorced already, Jesus f*cking Christ. NTA."
"Why do so many people stay in marriages with people that obviously disdain them?" ~ SirDrinksalot27
Others saw no a**holes here (NAH).
"I'm reluctant to judge anyone an a**hole here, so NAH. First, tell your wife that you have heard her and that you understand how she is feeling."
"Second, apologize that it took you so long to act. Explain that you were still getting into your new roll and it just took you too long to put it all together."
"Third, reassure her that you are going to make things better by finding childcare and by stepping up on your nights off."
"Follow through. Use your Mon-Wed off to hire someone to provide childcare all day Saturday and one of your nights off. Maybe narrow it down to two-three options and let your wife help you with the final selection so she feels included and you are making a joint decision."
"Her first Saturday for herself, book her a day she'll enjoy, massage, manicure, etc..."
"Going forward, have a date night with her one night a week, and take the lead on childcare on the other two nights you are off." ~ Worldly-Wave-9310
"A lot of the points you make are reasonable, but can you see that this is killing your marriage?"
"I see the financial benefit, but I feel for her: working FT and parenting solo all weekend, with no quality time for you as a couple either."
"When did you last have a date night? Going out on a Monday or Tuesday is never going to feel like much of a night out. I'll go with NAH (for now), but it needs sorting somehow." ~ Sea-Still5427
"NAH but OP needs to look at the bigger picture. OP, your kids don't care about the savings account. They care that dad is never around." ~ bionica
While some felt everyone sucked (ESH).
"ESH. Your suggestion that she should use up her vacation days was stupid. I take it you're not interested in having a longer period of leave/rest together with your whole family in the foreseeable future?"
"She's an AH for demanding you just 'fix this' and banishing you to the guestroom. Not cool."
"I think she appreciates that you try to take care of as many household chores as you can when you are free, but it sounds like that isn't what she finds most important."
"She wants some time to be herself (not mom), and maybe she misses you/family time since it doesn't sound like you see each other as much as you used to."
"Is there a reason YOU can't get a sitter on the weekends?"
"Try to have a calm discussion about this, and LISTEN to each other. It's possible that you can make this work and these are just growing pains, but it is also possible that the money actually isn't worth it." ~ dundersnus
"ESH, but you just a bit more for not looking at the big picture."
"Your wife is utterly overwhelmed, and she is telling you this. She's latching onto and blaming the one thing that changed your dynamic, which is your job."
"What you have been trying to do Monday through Wednesday to help out and ease the burden is wonderful. And she probably really does appreciate it."
"The BIG picture/problem here is that you have 3 days off where you get to decompress without children. She gets 0 days off to do the same."
"She has also lost her partner when you got promoted. She now has to tackle every task, event, outing, etc... on her own on her 2 days off from work while taking on the full mental load from minding children."
"You stated you have been taking care of tasks/projects around the house on your 3 days off. Are the children there with you from the time they wake up to the time they go to bed, asking for this and that, needing you to do this and that?"
"No, they're off at school. Otherwise, they'd be crawling up your butt because they're bored. Because that's what a mom deals with. Even on her days off."
"And she used to be able to share this with you. Now there is nobody else to help fend off those relentless children."
"YOU need to hire a helper. Make sure your wife gets a day off. Even if it's not a full day. The additional stress is obviously getting to her."
"Make sure you're spending some quality time with your kids. And YOU need to hire someone either weekly or every other week to give you guys a night off to reconnect with each other."
"Your marriage will suffer, otherwise. And you don't sound like a bad guy, so don't throw away your family for a paycheck."
"The main thing is that YOU need to step up and research and hire someone trustworthy. Your wife can't handle the additional mental load at this time." ~ jgirlme
Most of the comments offered sound reasoning behind their judgment. There was a lot of advice and suggestions included as well.
Hopefully, the OP will find something that works for him and his wife.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp