We often imagine how we’d react to the news that we may have some kind of terminal illness.
But a Redditor was recently forced to experience that as a reality–and on a very inopportune day at that.
She posted her experience on the “Am I the A**hole (AITA)” subReddit.
The Original Poster (OP), known as whysuchabuzzkill on the site, covered the bases in the title.
“AITA for being a downer at my husband’s grad celebration?”
It all began with celebratory drinks.
“My (female in her 30s) husband (male in his 30s) is graduating college.”
“His class decided to go out to celebrate with drinks after their exams. He said significant others weren’t invited.”
But that wasn’t the only thing that made this a big day.
“I had a routine check-up with my primary just before the celebration started and she found a lump on my breast.”
“I’m young, but have a history of breast cancer on my mom’s side (my aunt died before the age of 35 from it).”
“She wanted me to get a biopsy that day and referred me to the correct place.”
“It was going to be a few hours before they could see me as they were doing her a favor and it was obviously short notice.”
“I was a crying mess, so my husband reluctantly agreed for me to come wait with him at the bar for my appointment time.”
Needless to say, this was a moment of worlds–and moods–colliding.
“I got to the bar, introductions were made and although I was quite scared, I felt I was nice to everyone and as talkative as I could be.”
“I left my husband at the bar with his classmates and went for the biopsy, followed by a mammogram.”
“It was terrifying, but my doctor was great and a nurse held my hand through it all.”
But OP learned that her efforts weren’t up to par for everybody.
“When I got home, my husband was pissed at me.”
“Apparently I offended his classmates because I was standoffish and rude to them, and in their words ‘just an overall downer that brought down the mood of the celebration.’ “
“He said I embarrassed him and he regretted having me join them.”
“I now feel terrible like I ruined his day to celebrate with his friends and maybe should have just kept the situation to myself so as not to bring him and them down.”
As comments flooded in, OP realized there were a few things she had to set straight.
“Yes, husband knew all details of cancer scare as soon as first appt ended.”
“I’m the only one working while he’s in school. I do NOT pay for his school.”
“And just in case anyone other than the super kind person is wondering…”
“I’ve taken him to a nice dinner after every milestone was passed (and as a consolation if things haven’t gone great).”
“I worked a side job while he’s in class to save up secret money and bought him a private deep sea fishing charter for his graduation gift. I am not a bad wife. I do what I can within my limited means.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Most people responded with assurances that OP hadn’t been the a**hole at all.
“Wait, let me get this straight… You discovered something possibly life threatening and at least life altering, and instead of your husband staying at your side and help you through this experience, he choose to go to a celebration?”
“And ‘let’ you wait with him in the bar before scary exams? And then had the audacity to be mad about your mood? Holy cow girl, this calls for some serious conversation between you two but honestly? I see red flags all over… NTA big time but your husband definitely is” — Ikaryas
“NTA. Your husband was unsympathetic, unsupportive and plain cruel. And his friends were damn outta line. There’s no way I’d even listen to my friends criticising my partner like that, let alone repeating the message to him.”
“You were getting a biopsy and mammogram (in itself a scary thing but worse because you’ve a history of cancer) and not only did your husband not go with you, but he criticised you for acting down?????”
“I hope he changes his attitude” — daydream128
“NTA Did your husband know that your doctor found a lump?! What the everlovinghell!! He is mad at you for being a “Downer” rather than supporting you? WOah!! That…that is messed up. I hope your tests come back with good news and your husband grows a heart.” — polly6119
Some took the blunt approach.
“Ah, I see husband is graduating from AH University. Good luck on your health! NTA.” — IamPlatycus
“NTA, and I have to ask the obvious question – why are you married to this awful, awful person?”
“You do realize that other women would not put up with this?” — smooshfu**ie
All the activity led OP to come back with a few lengthy edits to the original post.
First, she just said thank you.
“First of all, I need to thank each and every one of you for the outpouring of love and support. I’ve never felt that in my life and I’m beyond thankful for it now. This subreddit and all of you not only changed my life in a 24 hour whirlwind, but you may have also saved it.”
“When I came on here, I really didn’t realize any of the things I know now. I truly thought I was in the wrong, but had a nagging feeling that wouldn’t go away. I saw this subreddit on a FB post and felt it could help me figure out if the nagging insistence had a purpose.”
“I’m glad I did. Even with the not so nice responses, I realized I’m not only NOT TA in this particular instance, but I probably haven’t been for a lot of instances.”
“I copied what I commented yesterday and have included it below. It was an interesting and educational night so, I’ll include anything that may be important before the commented update.”
Then OP explained some significant thoughts on her future.
“While I have acquaintances here, I don’t particularly have anyone I’d call a friend and I’m only just realizing through contacting people that any friendships I tried to make were thwarted by my husband.”
“I spent most of the night doing research about various things and I’m feeling confident that pretty much all of you are right in your suspicions about him and what my next steps should and will be.”
“If I’m allowed to, I’ll update with my results when they come in, but unfortunately still no word yet. Sorry for the book. 😬”
And as for those comments from the prior night, it’s a bombshell of a story.
“A girl from my husband’s class saw this post and recognized enough of the situation to reach out to me. She was present at the bar when I was there, I was too dazed to give her a second thought.”
“My husband was so upset by me needing to make an appearance, because he had led everyone to believe we were in the midst of a divorce. Significant others were more than welcome, my husband told me that so I wouldn’t go.”
“He saw me calling and stepped away from the group. She said he looked like he was yelling at someone, even though his tone was calm and low to me. She also said it was the only call he received and that he did not make any calls.”
This was puzzling to OP, to say the least.
“Why would he say we’re getting divorced if we’re not? Because he is having an affair with the girl that reached out. He didn’t tell anyone why I was really there at the bar. No one said I was a downer (to her knowledge).”
“She saw my post, put two and two together and felt sick. So she reached out. He gave her a sob story that made him sound like a hero for ‘taking care of me through the divorce process because I’m broke and alone.’ “
“She had screenshots of conversations between them and details that make me dizzy. This has been going on for almost the entire length of the program he is in.”
Things only became more upsetting after that.
“I confronted him. I’m livid. I’m nauseated.”
“He told me they said I was a downer so I’d be too ashamed to reach out to any of them following me meeting them so he could keep the lie going.”
“He planned on leaving me once he graduated because he wouldn’t need me anymore. Me possibly having cancer threw a wrench in the plan.”
“He is unapologetic. She was apparently a fling because he was bored with school.”
OP took it all on the chin.
“I didn’t cry. I didn’t yell. I am in my bathroom currently trying to figure out wth my life has become and what I need to do next.”
“Side note, he finally asked me how serious the biopsy went.”
“So… at this point, even if I was the a** hole, I’m not sorry. Except for the fact that I can’t get a refund for the stupid fishing trip.”
“I don’t want this to be my life. I really don’t.”
While there’s no doubt OP’s head must be flying in all sorts of directions, we do hope the new discoveries lead her to regain some clarity and stability now it’s all in the open.