The bond between twins has long fascinated people. Both sides of my family had twins, with my Mother’s side having many of them—an above average number hinting at a genetic predisposition.
In all cases, in both families, the twins were all fraternal and sexed as a boy and a girl. My namesake, Amelia, was a twin with a brother named Leo. There were three sets of twins among my namesake’s 20 siblings.
Growing up, there were two sets of twins in my class at school. One set was identical sisters, while the other was fraternal brothers.
The sisters we’re extremely close and to this day live across the street from each other with their respective families. The brothers were notorious for their constant fighting—often coming to blows even into their 40s.
So is there a special bond between twins?
It seems to me it depends on the twins. In some infamous cases, the twin bond turns violent and deadly against the outside world.
A husband whose pregnant wife is a twin turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after his wife and her identical twin sister excluded him from a decision concerning their child.
Competitive-Tie8840 asked:
“AITA for telling my wife I’m not okay with her naming our daughter with her sister instead of me?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My wife (26, female) is pregnant with our first child. She did a test to determine the sex of the baby early in her pregnancy (first trimester) and we found out we were going to be parents to a little girl.”
“Really quickly we decided our daughter was going to be named Adora. The name holds special meaning to us.”
“She was always a huge fan of She-Ra and loved the OG show and the remake. We actually bonded over the remake show.”
“I (27, male) thought it was a sweet name and loved that it had a deeper personal connection for the two of us. The middle name was still not entirely set in stone, but the first name was.”
“My wife is now 6 months pregnant and her twin sister is expecting a baby boy 3 months after our daughter is due.”
“Three weeks ago they started talking about baby names and all of a sudden my wife told me that she and her sister decided the babies should have timeless names that fit with their family names (Emily and Elizabeth, James and Haley, their parents, William, Hannah and Grace, their siblings).”
“So my wife and her sister chose the name Katherine for our daughter instead and SIL’s son will be Alexander. I was hurt and more than a little peeved.”
“My wife asked me why I had that expression on my face and I told her I was not okay with her naming our daughter with her sister instead of me. I told her we had chosen the name Adora.”
“She never expressed second thoughts about the name. We were just working on a middle name.”
“I told her I was supposed to be the baby’s other parent, not her sister, yet she takes her sister’s opinion on board and decides they’ll name the child we’re having together. I told her I had not expected that from her.”
“That I thought she truly respected me and was excited to be on this journey together. She asked me if I was really that upset about it and I said yes.”
“I told her I wouldn’t lie and say I was okay with it. I told her she basically cut me out of the process in the end if she were to go ahead with this.”
“My wife has been quiet since this. Her sister was furious with me for telling my wife I wasn’t okay with it.”
“She told me I should respect their twinness and I got to make all other decisions with my wife so why was I being such an a**hole about this. She told me to get over myself and then she accused me of acting like a child.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I told my wife I’m not okay with her naming our daughter with her sister instead of me. I admit I was upset when telling her this and that might have made her feel more guilty than deserved.”
“This might be something I should be willing to let her decide without me, since she’s carrying and giving birth to our baby and all. Or maybe there was a better way I could have communicated this with my wife.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Sounds like your wife’s sister is the bossier one and manipulated/guilted her twin into ‘matching’ names because ‘twinness’. That might have been cute when they were 5, but they are full grown adults with their individual ideas and tastes.”
“If your SIL wants to do something cute to celebrate ‘twins having babies together’, then they can get a special photo session done together. But your babies name should be decided by you and your wife only not her sister.”
“Tell your wife that her sister is trying to bully her into naming both kids likely because she had a girl name picked and wanted to still use it. She has her own kid to name and can have more if she wants to name a girl.”
“This kid is yours and you both had already picked a name together. Also, how is Adora not a’timeless name’? What does that even mean?” ~ Sweetsmyle
“So your joint decision was overturned because your SIL is also pregnant, and wants to plan your child’s name without you?”
“It sounds like your wife didn’t think for one moment about how you’d feel here, and knows that what she was doing was wrong, or at least realized afterwards. You’re in the right for talking with her about it and expressing how you are the other parent, not her sister.”
“‘Respect their twinness’. C’mon, really?”
“And the reason you get to make all the decisions with your wife is because she chose you to be her life partner. Couples are supposed to work together and work life out, not pick and choose what to help with, then defer to others and ignore each other.”
“NTA. You are in the right to be upset about being excluded from the decision-making process to name your child. You are right to have this conversation with your wife.”
“Your wife is not okay to be making unilateral decisions about the child like this when you agreed together, much less okay to be making twin-lateral decisions like this.”
“The sister can get all the way off your back about this. A reasonable person would realize they’ve overstepped and apologise.”
“Instead, she’s attacking you for wanting to be a parent and make decisions with your spouse about your upcoming child. Maybe ask her how she’d feel about you deciding the name of her son with her partner without even asking her, see how she takes it. I guarantee ‘it’s different’ because twins, etc…”
“Your wife is an a**hole for agreeing to something like this about your child without discussing it with you. Changing her mind is one thing, but deciding without you is not okay.”
“Your SIL is an a**hole for trying to push you out of parenthood like this before you’ve even had a child.”
“If your SIL is able to convince your wife that you are the problem here, you are not in for a fun marriage or parenthood. She’s pushing for this, but you already know this is not where it will end.”
“If she gets to choose your child’s name, she’ll be trying to get matching outfits for the kids, same schools, essentially making them twins because ‘twinness’ or something.”
“The issue isn’t being excited and wanting to be an auntie. The issue is if she can exert control over your child/marriage once, who’s to say she’s not going to do that to get her way in the future?”
“And even if she doesn’t, what are the odds of her throwing the name in your face for the rest of your/her life? ‘Your dad wanted to name you Adora, but me and your mum thought Katherine sounded better’.”
“Nip it in the bud now, and maintain boundaries. If this is her behaviour now, she will escalate.” ~ TheGingerCynic
“NTA. Twinness is special, but the twin aunt doesn’t get parental rights.
“She went too far when she fought for the say in the name. She could have made a suggestion, got shot down and backed off, but no.”
“I would be upset too. You agreed on a name and your wife unilaterally decides to change it?” ~ General-Visual4301
“NTA… by some odd twist of time, does the twin sister happen to be a 4 year old child? Because that’s about how mature she’s acting.”
“Not that your wife is being any level of mature herself. Parenting decisions are to be made by the parents, not unilaterally, and not with one’s womb mate.” ~ SunsetSeaTurtle
“She is yelling how he needs to respect the ‘twinness’, but she needs to be respecting his marriage and that he’s the parent here, not her. NTA.” ~ scarletnightingale
“They can have matching names since Adora (She-ra) has a twin brother called Adam (He-man). So the sister just needs to call her son Adam and they can stick with Adora.
“Problem solved. Tell your wife and her sister Adam is going to be her son’s name and they don’t get any say in the matter because they need to respect the twinness. NTA by the way.” ~ That_Age_8396
Being strongly bonded with a sibling can be great, but when that bond excludes either twins’ significant other, it’s going too far.
Hopefully the OP can work this out with their wife before their daughter is born.