Hospital food has a reputation for being quite bland and unappetizing. Whether it's deserved or not, people often prefer getting food brought in from outside the hospital.
If the patient's treatment allows it, why not give them the food they prefer?
A woman who agreed with that stance turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
CertainSun4836 asked:
"AITA for Calling Out My Dad's Wife for Feeding Him 7-Hour-Old Oatmeal Instead of the Fresh Food I Made?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I am a 55-year-old female. My Dad (83, male) had surgery last week to remove a cancerous tumor in his digestive tract."
"My Mom passed away 17 years ago, and he married a younger woman who I have never been a fan of (the feeling is definitely mutual), but I tolerate it in order to have a relationship with my Dad."
"Since his surgery a week ago, all he's asked for is rice & beans—he's 100% Irish, but having been married 38 years to my Mom, who was 100% Puerto Rican, he absolutely LOVES Puerto Rican food."
"He's been on basically a liquid diet until yesterday after a second procedure and was given the green light to eat solid food. He had a late lunch at about 2pm. I immediately went home and cooked for him, and my daughters brought it up to the hospital."
"She had my dad call me AT 5 to say he had eaten his hospital dinner and was full—less than 3 hours after he had lunch. My daughters had the nurses put it in the fridge—I had already put his name and the date on it."
"Visited this morning, and he didn't have an appetite—his hospital breakfast tray was sitting there, and I had brought him breakfast from the diner as well….all he had was coffee."
"I left a note in his room and even asked the nurse assistant who came into his room if she could offer him the rice for lunch. I TEXTED his wife the same."
"Got this text to me/my siblings from the wife after she finally showed up to the hospital after 2 pm."
"'Your Dad wasn't hungry today. Around 2:00, he had oatmeal with chocolate chips & an Ensure Chocolate Protein Shake & a cup of tea. He is quite full now. He still has some pain/soreness. He is managing his pain without pain meds'."
"So I replied: 'I hope not that oatmeal that was sitting out from this morning?'."
"Her response: 'The oatmeal was covered & still good. It was superheated & melted his chocolate chips."
"I called the nurses station to ask why my Dad would be allowed to eat food from a tray at least 6 hours old."
"Turns out WIFE asked nurse to heat up the 7-hour-old oatmeal—and HE ASKED FOR his RICE & BEANS and she (wife) just LAUGHED‽‽ Nurse told me she's making sure tray is gone and she seemed a bit annoyed at the situation. She says she's going to heat it up and bring it to him."
"I called and spoke to him—I asked if his appetite was back and he told me he ate the oatmeal. Asked him why he didn't eat the rice instead and he said he forgot. Which is NOT true because the nurse told me he asked for it when wife asked to have the oatmeal heated up!"
"I made sure to tell the nurse she fed him the old oatmeal absolutely on purpose so he wouldn't eat the food I made ….Nurse is aware he's been asking for rice & beans."
"I didn't tell her initially what it was. I just said I dropped off dinner to him last night, and it's in the fridge. She asked ME if it was rice !!!!"
"Pretty sure feeding an elderly man hours old food that was sitting in a window just to be spiteful is proof who the a**hole is."
"AM I THE A**HOLE?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"My action: I called the nurse to complain about my dad's wife feeding him old oatmeal instead of the fresh food I made for him."
"Why I might be the a**hole: I bypassed my dad's wife by involving the nurse."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The majority of Redditors voted the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. She clearly is. Hope he gets better soon. Also hope you are the named beneficiary to whatever accounts/assets he wants you to have."
"And there's a trust he set up where she's not the named trustee. And you have copies. And medical power of attorney in the event he can't make decisions."
"After this, I wouldn't trust her with anything, ever. You know she'll change any will in her favor at the last second, but beneficiaries come before heirs in wills." ~ Antelope_31
"NTA. And new wife sounds petty. But—you need some perspective. The hospital nurses are overworked. They don't want family drama, and it's not their role to manage meals."
"The surgeon orders the diet, and a dietary service brings the food and takes the tray away later. If a nurse or aid heated anything up, they were likely going out of their way to help."
"You don't want to be the demanding family member that treats nurses like waitstaff. If it's very important to you that dad has rice and beans, bring the hot rice and beans at mealtime."
"Or make it for him as soon as he gets out. This is one of those 'if you want it done right, you gotta do it yourself' situations." ~ Firm-Raspberry9181
"NTA. In the future, tell the nurses on duty that you have brought fresh food for your father and where it is. nurses care and would obviously give him fresh food over 7-hour-old oatmeal that had been sitting out."
"Also, seriously figure out what you need to have control of for end of life. Someone other than his current wife needs a healthcare proxy and decisions on end-of-life care.
"She clearly does not care about him. Right now it's just oatmeal, later it may be life or death, literally." ~ Spiker023
"You're NTA. I see two possibilities:"
"Your Dad is exhausted from surgery and pain, knows the relationship between you and his wife is difficult, doesn't want to deal with it right now, and is doing his best to keep things smooth for his own convenience. If this is true, let go of your ego around this situation and just let it go."
"Or 2. She's emotionally abusive to him, and he just does whatever she wants him to, regardless of his own desires."
"In any case, focus on your Dad's healing. Surgery recovery is brutal." ~ Less-Assistance-7575
"As a nurse aide, I would have refused to heat up food that old and would've removed the old tray as soon as I saw it. It's not safe to eat food that's been sitting out so long. NTA." ~ MrMcManstick
But a substantial minority thought everyone sucked here (ESH).
"It sounds like you guys are using food to fight for the dominant place in your dad's life. That is really childish."
"I hope you can both chill out a little, but after 17 years that's probably a lost cause. ESH." ~
"An 83-year-old man has just had gastro surgery, and you're surprised that the first things he is eating are oatmeal and protein shakes?"
"Just because he's been asking for rice and beans, doesn't mean that's what he should be eating at this point."
"There's an awful lot of OP 'telling' the nurses what should be done, and a fair bit of the wife 'telling' what should be done, but if he's in hospital post-op, the nurses and hospital are going to be focused on what OP's dad needs."
"And certainly not getting in the middle. of a spat about rice and beans that appears to be taking way too much of everybody's emotional energy. ESH (except Dad)." ~ peonyhen
"They should just let the nurse do her already challenging job without pulling her into their stupid family drama. ESH." ~ carlamaco
"ESH. The nurse shouldn't have heated up the old oatmeal for your stepmom, but you're dragging a lot of people into a power struggle over eating your rice and beans."
"And you have 2-3 different accounts in here arguing with people, which makes me wonder who is really the difficult one." ~ East-Bake-7484
"ESH—your dad is recovering from major surgery. He doesn't need this petty bullsh*t. Stop antagonizing his wife this week. Save your (well-earned) venom for next week." ~ DogDisguisedAsPeople
"ESH. It isn't the nurse's job to deal with this. Patients get their food as provided by the hospital."
"The nurses probably don't have time to be dealing with food politics. If you want him to eat your food specifically, it would help if you're there to help him eat it."
"Also... leftovers that have been heated up and cooled in room temp could be 'potentially hazardous' and sit in the perfect temp zone for microbiological growth. It's unlikely it would cool down fast enough to avoid this. Not safe to be eating." ~ Sydneygirl543
The animosity between the OP and her stepmother is obvious.
But the nurses don't need to be involved in their power struggle.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp