It used to be that when a couple married, they’re individual finances werd merged into a single account. But this wasn’t always a good idea.
In cases of divorce or addiction, one spouse could empty all joint accounts leaving the other with nothing. Increasingly, couples began keeping their assets separate after marriage.
This was especially true for the children affected by the divorce boom of the 1970s and 80s.
But if assets are kept separate, questions about how bills are paid or the purchase of joint assets are funded have to be answered.
A husband faced with these questions turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Artistic_Hippo4827 asked:
“AITA for asking my wife to spend all her savings?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I’m a 34-year-old man married to the love of my life, a 33-year-old woman.”
“My wife is kind, nurturing, and motivated in her career. She does a lot for me at home since I work LONG hours.”
“We married 4 months ago. Dated for 8 years.We’re both easy going and have the same sense of humor and rarely argue.”
“I make 4x more money—I’m in healthcare—but she makes a good salary as well. Since I make 4x what she does, I tend to pay for most things—dinners, weekend trips, mall shopping—which I absolutely do not mind.”
“With bigger purchases, we pay for things together in proportion to what we make. She’s usually OK with paying her share of things—1/4 of the rent and groceries—and will sometimes offer to pay for dinners and dates.”
“She’s VERY close with her best friends—she has 4.They’re great people, but they’re basically attached at the hip and talk daily in a group chat. Which is fine, everyone needs a support system. I have similar friends.”
“Her and her 4 friends have a combined savings account together for ‘investing in something together’. They’ve each been putting in a few hundred dollars per month EACH.”
“I’ve known about this for years and didn’t love the idea initially, which I expressed. But she was adamant she wanted this and at the time we weren’t hurting for the money and it was ultimately her money and her decision.”
“We are now looking to buy a home—in one of the most expensive real-estate markets in the US. She expresses that she doesn’t have much in her own savings, but has 20k of her own money tied in with her friends combined savings.”
“Over the last year they’ve been told by 2 financial advisors that 5 people attempting to invest together in real-estate or stocks or a business wasn’t a great idea. And they also recommended to split the funds to 5 separate accounts since the account is under 1 of the friend’s names and there are tax implications for having that amount of money to her name (100k).”
“The homes we’re looking at need around 60-70k for a down payment. I stated I was willing to spend nearly all my savings for the down payment for a home (50k).”
“So I told her she should pull that money from her joint friends account to help with the down payment. It’s a huge purchase and I don’t think it should be my burden alone.”
“She got really upset and told me ‘I don’t want to touch that money, I promised my friends it would be for investing together, we should look for a less expensive home then, maybe a fixer upper’ she then stated, ‘it would be easier for you to accrue the money back since you make so much more’.”
“This was VERY frustrating and I told her, ‘its unfair i have to spend nearly all my savings and you dont. your friend fund is stupid, and it’s stupid not to use that money for OUR future home’.”
“AITA for asking her to use HER OWN cash from her ‘friends’ account, break that promise to her friends so we can buy a nice home together?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I told my wife she needs to spend all her savings and break a promise to her friends. I also told her, her promise was stupid.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA—married or not I would not buy a house with someone who would rather have an uncertain investment fund with friends than help me with the down payment of our shared house and considers my savings our savings and her savings her savings.”
“Also I don’t fault you for calling the fund stupid, because it sounds stupid since 2 financial planners have said it’s ill advised and told them to split it up again.” ~ Outside_Guidance4752
“Not to mention that her $20K would go towards equity in her own home that will appreciate rather than sitting in her friends’ bank account accumulating dust?”
“Just tell your friends when they’re ready to pull the trigger, she can get the funds if the investment makes sense. I’ll bet dollars (from my ‘friends account’) to donuts that the investment opportunity will never arise.” ~ king_lloyd11
“Wait, so she and her friends have a shared savings account that they’ve been adding to together with the intent of eventually investing in—as in the money is currently just sitting there in one person’s account?”
“NTA, that is absolutely ridiculous.”
“I could see the value in having a shared bank account between close friends for the purpose of going on trips and vacations together since you could just pull money for deposits instead of playing the Venmo game, but this is ridiculous and makes it seem like she cares more about planning for her future with her friends than with her own husband. YIKES.” ~ starbiebarbie99
“Also legally, if she’s not on the account the money is not hers. So the friend could literally take all that cash (100k) and jump ship.” ~ Rumpelteazer45
“That’s the part that gives me cold chills. All it would take is one fight, and suddenly either a) four of you each just flushed $20k down the tubes, or b) the entire group is tied up in a decade-long court battle, trying to get their money separated. It’s insane. NTA.” ~ Ok-Rabbit1878
“Never wipe out your savings for a down payment. Especially when buying a house.
I swear I had more unexpected house expense in the first year than I did in the next decade.”
“Also—NTA. You pay 75% of everything. But I assume the house will be in both your names. Her contributing to the down payment just makes sense.” ~ PurpleStar1965
“NTA. Your wife sounds financially illiterate. She is being illogical and not prioritizing her family.” ~ Listen_MamaKnowsBest
“I think it’s worse than that for her age and honestly letting these bad habits go on for such a long time. To me she’s a huge financial liability in this relationship.”
“There is no way I’d buy a house with her let alone have her own any part of it if her friends are more important to her. Who the heck combines investment money with friends‽‽ So insane.” ~ Unhappy-Prune-9914
“This story is actually bonkers. She’s 33‽‽ I just… cannot believe anyone would be that stupid.”
“And she IS a liability. Not many stories make me speechless or short circuit my brain but this one did it. NTA.” ~ Living-Medium-3172
“Nope, NTA, and I would seriously reconsider buying a house—or if you do, make her sign a postnuptial. If you pony up $50k and you have essentially been footing all the bills, all so she can save money with her friends.”
“The sad part is that money is just sitting in an account and not being invested and your wife and two of her other friends have zero claim to any of the money unless their names are on the account.” ~ Specific-Syllabub-54
“As a lawyer, I 100% agree with this. Her side friend fund has a lot of issues that I’d be addressing with her if she was a client of mine.”
“Furthermore, If the intent of those funds is for her to invest individually and she is the sole beneficiary of whatever those funds produce, I would absolutely make her sign a post-nup making it 100% clear that since I am funding the entirety of the down payment and household expenses, I get 100% of the home and its equity in the event of divorce while she gets to keep her side friend fund in return. It’s the only fair outcome.”
“That said, if she can’t see how crazy it is to just have 20k sitting in another person’s account meaning she has zero actual legal entitlement to those funds without court involvement combined with the fact she isn’t willing to put skin in the game to purchase a marital home, why are you even really with her?”
“It seems to me she is treating you like a sugar daddy and expects you to fund her entire life without more than minimal support from her. NTA.” ~ TheDarkHelmet1985
“NTA, you might want to explain to your wife that either you combine finances for big purchases (like a house), or you will make it only your asset with her having zero claim on it. It’s not how family finances work, and this friends savings account IS stupid.” ~ forgeris
This husband definitely has some serious decisions to make and discussions to have with his wife.