What happens when a lie of omission finds it's way to the person that you were keeping the information from?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) AITA_Pointhoarder when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for not telling my husband about all my reward points cards?"
OP explained her history and the issue in detail.
"I (29F) have been married to my husband (30M) for 9 years."
"I am a stay-at-home mom with 4 beautiful children ( 8,6,4,2)."
"My husband makes 150k+ a year but decides where every dollar and cent goes."
"50% to day-to-day expenses, 25% to the children's education savings, 10% to family savings, 7.5% to his personal spending and 7.5% to my personal spending."
The saving had a downfall, though.
"Any bonus he makes or money back from taxes goes immediately into retirement. Doing it this way leaves us no money for vacations or big trips."
"Since we got married and moved in with each other, I have been completely responsible for all the shopping, whether it is clothes, groceries, furniture, or whatever else."
"I learned very early on with the help of my mom how to coupon clip and how to use points cards to their maximum potential."
"I usually get 2 or 3 different reward points and save 10-25% per transaction I do. My husband only knew about the coupon clipping, not the rewards points."
OP got to the issue at hand.
"For the past 5 years, I have been going on a 'Girl's trip' with my family every year."
"I have been telling my husband that my sisters, sister-in-laws, mom, and grandma have been paying for me to go since I can't afford it, but in reality, I have been using the rewards points to pay for the ticket."
"Using rewards to pay for our groceries and using my difference to pay off my credit cards so that I am able to go on the trip."
"This year, my brothers, brother-in-laws, father, and grandfather decided to do their own 'Boys trip' and invited my husband."
"My husband told them that unless they can help him as the girls help me, he would have to decline the invite."
"My brother responded to him with, 'What do you mean? She says you pay for her to go.'"
"My husband confronted me about the situation, and I confessed to him what I have been doing. "
"He was extremely hurt saying that with all these points, we could have done a lot more as a family rather than just one person hoarding them all to themselves."
"And if I set him up with his own credit cards to get even more points, it would have been a lot easier for us to do big family vacations."
"My entire family has been calling me selfish and a jerk for not being more open about the points, but I feel that work very hard to get to the point levels I have gotten to and that making them more open for use would burn through them quickly and not allow them to be used for bigger things."
She was left to wonder,
"AITA?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: YTA
Other Redditors had questions.
"INFO: Why couldn't you use your personal spending money on these Girls Trips?" ~ chapstickfordummies
"INFO:"
"What have you done in the last 9 years to address this problem in some way other than lying?"
"Does your husband alone decide where every cent goes? Have you talked about budgeting for a trip? Do you get a say in the budget?" ~ Left-Car6520
OP did return to give clarity to her story.
"I wanted to clarify some things before I get to the actual update."
"Yes, married young."
"It is a common practice in my religion."
"We have known each other and have gone to the same church since we were 10."
"We 'dated' while we were teenagers but always knew we wanted to marry each other. He proposed to me the second he saw me after coming home from his mission and we got married 6 months later."
"This was exactly what I wanted."
"My husband is not abusive."
"While he does dictate how much we spend and on what, he doesn't even look at the accounts, except for maybe once every 3 months."
"Almost everything is automated."
"I know more about what goes on in that account than he does. He does not hold the money over me."
"He is also one of the sweetest, most caring, loving individuals I have ever met."
"He regularly volunteers for the community and our church, helps out regularly around the house, makes sure to spend time with each of our children, and makes sure I feel loved and wanted."
"Me being a Stay at home mom is not 'free childcare'."
"I am taking the time to watch over my own children."
"They are as much mine as they are his. Saying it is 'free childcare' would be like calling my husband a 'free gardener' every time he mows the lawns or calling me a 'free maid' every time I clean the house."
"I agreed to the budget early on. It seemed like a good plan, and we agree that it would change and grow as our family does and he moves on in his career."
She also took the time to give an update.
"If I filtered all the 'he is abusive' posts out of the rating, it is clear that I am the jerk."
"I honestly don't know why I lied about it in the beginning, but I know I carried on the lie because of the shame and fear of disappointing or hurting him."
"When I found a way to go on these Girl's trips, I was proud of the fact that I was able to do it my own way. Which is why I got selfish with the points."
"This wasn't fair."
"Last night, I made my husband a cup of tea after the kids, and we sat down and talked it out."
"I talked about my desire to see the world as he has (He went to Italy for his mission) and how I have only ever been to Utah and my own province before going on the Girl's trips (Most of which were a week in Mexico or on a Cruise)."
"He told me that he wishes that I included him in his plan as he includes me in his."
"He was hurt that I felt I had to hide the cards or how I am paying for these vacations."
"He also told me that next year his boss is planning to retire, and he is the next in line for succession. The position would give him more vacation, a larger bonus, and a 50,000/year pay increase."
"They have just been talking about it this week, and he was waiting for the weekend to tell me."
"He is happy with our budget the way it is, and with this pay increase, we could use the entirety of it for family vacations."
"With the addition of the points that he will now help me get, we could probably go on two big trips a year. This made me feel a lot better about the future"
"So this weekend (Thanks to someone who posted that I could be doing better), we are modifying my points gathering, applying for some new cards for him, and planning our first real vacation as a family for next year."
"I cried when I read a lot of the posts, I felt a lot of shame for how I behaved, but I also felt very sad that anyone could think my husband was abusive."
"Please ask for more clarification before jumping straight to the 'He's abusive', 'Leave him' or 'Prepare for him to leave you'. Not everyone is like that."
Others wondered where all the money was going.
"I'm starting to think England's a lot cheaper than America because if our monthly earnings were over 6k a month me, and my husband would be laughing."
"I couldn't imagine being on that much money." ~ Alive-Armadillo-126
"I think £6k a month would even be an alright amount for London. You'd obviously want to move to the outskirts for an affordable house to suit 4 kids, though."
"The thing is, OPs mortgage seems low enough for £3k/month to afford mortgage, car payments, fuel, furniture, food, and household repairs, so I dunno if it sounds like they live in a London-type setting." ~ El_Scot
Some thought there might be bigger problems.
"YTA for lying for 9 years about this."
"BUT"
"It sounds like this is not an equitable relationship if you don't get a say in where the money goes."
"You are not being treated as an equal partner in this relationship."
"Sounds to me like marriage counseling ought to be budgeted in." ~ NotaMillenial2day
"Yeah I'm kind of bewildered at the number of people completely writing off how the husband has full and complete control of the money."
"Obviously, OP is wrong for lying, and budgeting is a very important life skill."
"But there's a line."
"And from the information that we have, it seems like OP has 0 say in the family budget. I have to go with ESH" ~ TheSecondEikonOfFire
Lies always find us eventually, and when they do, the damage they cause can be difficult to manage.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp