With the passage of time, we sometimes don’t see people who were once dear friends as often as we like. That is if we don’t lose contact with them altogether.
However, some people have friends or friend groups that, come hell or high water, vow that they will always be there for one another.
While most acknowledge that this isn’t always possible, others take this vow a little too literally.
Redditor That-Interaction9879 had developed a friend group in college who made such a vow.
The dynamic was slightly threatened, however, when all but one of them got married and had children in their mid/late twenties.
When this odd one out eventually joined all of them as a wife and mother, she was not at all pleased that the group wasn’t there to help her adjust to motherhood.
Something the original poster (OP) was unafraid to say was not their responsibility.
Wondering if she was being too harsh, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my friend it’s her fault for getting married and having kids late because the world won’t wait on her now.”
The OP explained why she felt her friend had unreasonable expectations in regard to how her friends should be helping her.
“I (39 F[emale]) have a 6-person girl group since college (37-39 F) and that includes Mary (38 F).”
“We’ve been close throughout the years and have been at milestone events for each other.”
“Mary just had a baby and is completely fitting the crazy new mother stereotype.”
“In college, Mary has always been someone who had to make it known that she was unique/different from the rest of us, which wasn’t as draining then as it has become now.”
“For starters, all other women in our circle got married between the ages of 22-27, and we all have multiple kids.”
“So the 5 of us were able to experience those milestones alongside one another and got closer as we shared similar lifestyles.”
“Mary was very adamant on not settling until her 30s because she wanted to travel and have different experiences, which we all supported.”
“Regardless, she would continue to make comments about how she’s so lucky, unlike us, because we’re ‘tied down with husbands and babies’.”
“I think this is where she grew resentment towards us because we were in different places in life, and she was upset we couldn’t have our group be similar to how it was in college.”
“Then into our mid-30s, it became a whole saga of she’s getting older and can’t find a husband because all the ‘good men’ are married or divorced with kids.”
“When she finally got married, many could not attend because it was a destination event and child-free during Covid.”
“This caused a fight because she said how she was there for us during our weddings, but we couldn’t put aside a week for her.”
“We had all told her how we wished we could, but it simply was not financially feasible and didn’t logistically work with our kids.”
“But she just refused to hear us out and was simply so inconsiderate about our lives and families, saying we were horrible friends.”
“Now, Mary just gave birth to her first child, and I was very excited for her.”
“The only issue is that she moved from our state to a very remote place that’s only accessible by a 6-hour car ride.”
“Her baby is 6mo old, and none of us have been able to go up to visit her.”
“I think she’s been having a wrong idea of what a ‘village’ is and has essentially demanded in our group chat that we come up for the holidays and help her out because she’s having a hard time adjusting to mom life.”
“But this would entail we all take a week off, arrange childcare, figure out transportation, and book hotels during the holidays.”
“It’s gotten to the point where she’s posting cryptic messages on Facebook bashing ‘fake friends’ who won’t be there for her.”
“As much as I wish I could, I cannot physically support her in the way she needs me to do in this stage of life.”
“It would have been completely different if she still lived in our city, and this was earlier in life when we had fewer commitments/priorities.”
“So I told her this and that if she was hoping for this big village and constant support, she should have thought about that when planning out her life because we can’t all just pause our lives for her.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
In the end, no one came off looking particularly good to the Reddit community.
Many agreed that Mary had very unrealistic expectations of what her friends were capable of, but also felt that the OP was being overly harsh and judgmental towards Mary and her decision to get married and have children later in life.
“Let’s just ignore the destination wedding.”
“Your comment about her life choices was out of line and rude.”
“How does she line up her life with yours exactly?’
“How does she ‘plan’ to have kids when you did?”
“If she can’t find a partner to connect with in that time period, that’s a real a**hole thing to bring up.”
“Now she’s also acting immature and thoughtless.”
“And bringing this nonsense to social media always makes someone an AH in my opinion.”-TheSciFiGuy80
“Your friend is delusional for her demands, but this has nothing to do with your timelines.”
“If she had kids when you did, you would’ve had your own little kids to take care of.”
“If anything, your kids are now around ten, so it should be easier to take off a week.”
“The issue is that she lives too far away for you to help support her.”
“It was as rude for you to shame her for having standards and living her life as it was for her to shame you for not being able to attend her wedding.”
“If you want to be in her life, I hope you sent her baby gifts.”
“If you don’t, no harm, no foul.”- dobbysreward
Others felt that the OP was solely at fault, feeling that she was purely judging Mary for not getting married or having children till her 30s.
“You were once the ‘typical new mom,’ and you had the support of your friends.”
“Mary went about things a different way, and she deserves ridicule and abandonment for that?”
“You sound smug af that your friend is struggling now.”
“That’s not a good look.”- opensilkrobe
“It looks like you are purposely leaving out information, only dropping little bits here and there like ‘she was there for us during our weddings.'”
“This whole thing reads as if you resent her for making different choices.”
“It also reads as if she was there a lot for you and the other ‘friends’ during the important things, yet you can’t be bothered to even show up once for her.”
“All you do is make excuse after excuse.”
“‘Can’t find childcare,’ why?”
“Don’t the kids have a father who can look after them for a few days while you visit your friend?”
“‘Have to get a hotel’ again, why?”
“Can’t you sleep in her guest room or her couch?”
“Or better yet, book a family vacation for a week, of which you visit her a few times?”
“It looks like your friendship is very one-sided. She made effort, took time and energy to put in you and your family for 2 decades, and you can’t be bothered to return that even once.”
“All you do is complain about how she feels (feeling lucky she has the ability to travel in her 20s for instance) and take some personal offense to it.”
“Have you ever even brought that up with her?”
“Ever told her how those comments make you feel, or even ask what she means by them?”
“Yes, you are YTA here, and you are not a friend to her, and I’m wondering if you ever have been.”-Tigress92
“Eh… so for 6 months, no one has found ANY time to go see her baby?”
“Even for a few hours?”
“Yeah…. Kinda sounds like you guys just don’t care about her.”
It’s very easy to question, even look down upon, people who don’t live their lives exactly as we do.
Or to feel neglected by our friends, who we thought always had our backs.
In this case, it seems that Mary and the OP need to pause and reflect a little bit.
Mary needs to understand that people can’t just drop everything and be with her at a moment’s notice. Meanwhile, the OP should remember that being a new mom comes with many challenges and could be a little more compassionate to her lifelong friend.
Hopefully, both of them will come to realize that a true friendship is never worth sacrificing over a grudge.