When a new couple designs and decorates their first home together, something they don't always consider is how child-friendly their home is.
Indeed, when children enter the picture, they swiftly need to adjust certain areas and replace breakable items.
Most of the time, this isn't an issue for couples who don't plan on having children.
That doesn't mean that young children will never set foot in their homes, however.
"Baby proofed" or not.
Redditor Exact_Income1427 and her husband were more than happy to live their child-free life.
However, upon learning they were expecting a young visitor, the original poster (OP) felt some changes would need to be made in their living arrangements.
Changes the OP's husband did not appreciate one bit.
Concerned she may have stepped out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for doing childproofing for my in-laws visit?"
The OP explained why their husband was less than pleased by her decision to baby-proof their home ahead of a family visit:
"I am at 26 (F[emale]) and my husband is 29 (M[ale])."
"We have been married for 5 years, and we moved to Berlin right after marriage since we both found really well-paying jobs."
"Meanwhile both of our families (parents, siblings etc) still live back in Greece and we usually visit back occasionally."
"Now me and my husband don't have any children and we don't plan to have any."
"We enjoy buying expensive things and experiencing things we never got to as children such as nice furniture in our home, going to exotic restaurants with friends, travel, hobbies and generally just our lives with each other exactly the way it is."
"But that's just how my husband thinks."
"His family is very traditional, and every married couple has at least one kid."
"This time my husband invited my BIL and SIL to visit us with their 3 year old son for 2 weeks."
"This would be the first time they've traveled with their son and the first time we would be hosting our nephew at our home."
"Now our nephew is known to be going through the terrible twos and has been throwing tantrums and breaking things lately, so I did some childproofing in our home a day before my in-laws were due to arrive."
"I removed all the glass and ceramic decor."
"I swapped out our linen tablecloth for a plastic one."
"I locked up our intoxication devices."
"I also covered our sofas with plush fabric (our sofa is made of white cashmere) because our nephew likes to snack while watching TV, and we can always take the sofa outside to dust off food crumbs."
"I also changed my maid's schedule to come in 5 days a week instead of 3 so she can help prep breakfast and make sure the house is tidy."
"However, when my husband saw all of my changes, he kind of got upset."
"He told me he felt that I was preparing our house as if we were hosting messy and uncivilized people."
"And asked me why I don't make these changes when our friends in Berlin who have kids come over for dinner."
"He also said that he's never seen our friends make these sort of changes in their own home for their kids."
"I don't understand this comparison at all."
"Coming over for dinner for 3 hours and staying at a place for a couple of weeks is very different."
"And we've visited our in-laws enough to see how chaotic their home can get to where my BIL and SIL keep mostly plastic items in their homes for convenience."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for baby-proofing her home.
Everyone was confused by the reaction of the OP's husband, agreeing that she was thinking of the best interests of everyone by baby-proofing their home ahead of their in-laws' visit:
"NTA."
"Instead of worrying the entire visit that their kid could ruin something expensive, the visiting parents can rest assured that the space has been child-proofed."
"As long as all the changes don't make the space uncomfortable (e.g. squeaky plastic couch covers or all decor being hidden so the place is bare), I think it makes a lot of sense."
"You are making the visit less stressful for everyone!"- TulipAfternoon
"NTA."
"It seems like you are taking steps to make your in-laws feel more comfortable and less stressed about their toddler's behavior in your home."
"You have protected your belongings to some extent and if Toddler spills something, no one will have to be stressed or worried about it."
"Some people child-proof everything in their homes; others don't do it at all."
"I think it depends a lot on the child in question."
"My sister's eldest obeyed implicitly when he was young, to stay out of things he wasn't supposed to touch, and they never had to childproof anything."
"His younger brother, however, would immediately get into whatever they told him not to touch."
"He would stick his fingers into light sockets, spill his food all over the table and himself, run into things and knock furniture over, and he was a delightful child in spite of this, but they did have to childproof their house after he came along."
"I don't get why your husband is upset you did this."
"You are right that a few hours of tightly-controlled parental supervision is a different thing than a two-week visit."
"Your in-laws and also your nephew will probably enjoy the visit so much more because they won't be worried about breaking things or spills on the couch."
"Hopefully, they will keep their child occupied and safe during the visit, but you have made it much easier for them to do so."
"Your husband is wrong to assume that because some people don't childproof their homes, that no one should have to do so."
"Again, it depends on the personality and activity level of the child or children in question, and it isn't a philosophy of parenting thing so much as it is a stress and worry reducing thing."
"Keep your home childproofed for the visit, it's by far the easiest way to have a pleasant time with the in-laws."- LonelyOwl68
"NTA."
"He told me he felt that I was preparing our house as if we were hosting messy and uncivilized people."
"He's quoting the definition of a toddler here."- Horror-Reveal7618
"NTA."
"A child of three IS messy and uncivilized, that's normal."
"It's for the child's safety as well as protecting your property."
"Husband hasn't been paying attention to your friends who have kids."- Cangal39
"NTA."
'Your husband is so invested in FAMILY that he's failing to see the reality of having a 3-year-old living with you guys for 2 weeks."
"Just grow a spine and put your foot down and say that's how it's going to be."
"Then, when your chaotic nephew arrives, you can wait for him to admit that you were right."- Lisbei
The OP later returned with an update, sharing a subsequent conversation she had with her husband ahead of her in-laws' visit, as well as how things began when her in-laws finally arrived:
"My husband brought food from a restaurant I liked and told me he wanted to apologize."
"He told me he overreacted because he wasn't admitting to himself how different his brother is as a person ever since he became a dad and that his life is going in a very different direction with more financial hardships too, making him angry and helpless."
"He told me he misdirected his frustration at me and thought what I did was really nice, especially since he is finickier than I am."
"I tried my best to make him feel not guilty and responsible for the lives and decisions of other grown-ups."
"But I'm so relieved he came around on his own!"
"it's officially day 1 of the in-laws visit and my husband has now gone an extra step and put away most of the lamps in our house because they are glass and super dangerous for a toddler to be around (we have about 35 cos we hate ceiling lights)."
"When we picked up our in-laws from the airport and were driving them back nephew accidentally poured a bag of chips all over the back seat and floors mats."
"Everyone just laughed, but I know my husband was horrified inside, and now he's been vacuuming the backseat area for two hours now, lol."
"Oh, and in-laws SUPER appreciated our baby proofing."
It is confusing what got the OP's husband so riled up about her baby-proofing their home.
That she was going out of her way to ensure that none of their property was damaged?
Or that she wanted to ensure their nephew would remain unharmed during their visit?
Thankfully, that proved to be nothing to worry about, as it was simply a case of his emotions getting the better of him.
Perhaps next time they visit, he'll have the fortitude to baby-proof his car?
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp