Imagine dating someone for years, thinking they're the one, being pregnant with their baby, and then finding out they have a secret kid.
Relationships are based on communication and honesty, so hiding a family is not a great place to start.
Redditor throwRAasexualiTEA encountered this very issue with her boyfriend. So she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for not buying a gift for my boyfriend's son?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I feel like the title makes it seem bad and I will try to make this as unbiased as possible."
"I'm 22 (f) and my boyfriend is 26 (m), I am currently almost 6 months pregnant with his child and he has a child from a previous relationship who just is turning 3. I only found out about his other child after I got pregnant (we've been together for 2 years and now live together) because he felt the need to tell me the truth then."
"This really upset me obviously because I felt like it was a huge thing to hide from me for so long, but I was already pregnant and I want this baby so we worked through it."
"He does not pay child support but he is in contact with his baby's mom and occasionally sends her money when she asks and I guess that works out for them. I did know he was in contact with her but I didn't know about the money and child."
"Since we are working through this he told me it feels like a weight has been lifted off his chest and he doesn't have to hide it anymore and since we are going to have a kid he wants to be a more active father in both his kids lives and he made a plan with his ex and has seen his kid twice since he told me the truth."
OP is still not sure about how to handle the situation.
"I haven't met his kid yet and It's very overwhelming for me so I'm not sure if I'm ready. I don't want him to not be with his other child but I really wish he told me sooner so I could prepare because this feels like such a shock."
"Here is where the conflict come, his sons birthday is coming up and my boyfriend is really excited saying he wants to get him something really cool for his birthday."
"We are not rich and now with a baby on the way we have to really save our money but I like seeing how excited he is as a father and it makes me happy for our child but he asked me what I plan on getting for his son?"
"And I told him I didn't plan on getting anything because I've never met him and I don't have a lot of extra money to spend."
"He got upset about this and said that I am not being supportive of his son who is also my family now too and I am being selfish by not even considering his son's feelings."
"Am I in the wrong? Should I just buy him a gift? I don't even know if his son knows about me it just seems weird to buy something for a kid I don't even know"
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
"NTA and please dump this guy ASAP."
"'What are you buying for my SECRET CHILD FROM ANOTHER WOMAN?'" Oh my god. This guy will cause you nothing but misery, mark my words." ~ yourlittlebirdie
"I think this is the top comment so I'm just going to reply here but I texted my mom and I'm thinking that maybe I should go stay with her for a few days at least until my next ultrasound because this is really overwhelming and I knew it was going to sound bad but I guess I was just in denial about it all?"
"I'm still not sure. I only really posted here to see if I was in the wrong because I felt guilty a little bit for hurting him and I do want both his son and our child to have good relationships with their dad :/" ~ throwRAasexualiTEANTA -
"But why would you want to have a child and be with someone who already abandoned a child, doesn't pay child support and barely sees the kid?"
"On top of that, he lied to you for the entire length of your relationship and didn't tell you about this kid until you were pregnant. If you can't see all of these red flags then you are just not trying to see them."
"Leave this dude and take him to court if you decide to keep the baby and get a custody agreement along with child support in writing. Good luck with this one." ~ Hopz_7
"That is the most important part right here: Once you leave him, go through the official channels to make sure your story doesn't end like that of the ex and her child."
"Absolutely get official child support and custody sorted out so he can't screw you over like he does his ex, who has to raise their son completely on her own physically as well as financially."
"It makes me so angry that he doesn't pay a cent except when she explicitly has to beg him for it. And on top of that he doesn't even care to be with his own child? He sees him so little and his life is influenced by him so little that he can just pretend he doesn't exist for two years? He is a sh*t father." ~ Sagoskatt-
People shared their experiences.
"OP, I was in your shoes in a slightly different position. Slightly older guy had a kid and made himself out to be the best father. He was nowhere near that."
"I left and haven't looked back. Him not telling you about his child at all but especially after this long is a huge red flag. Please go stay with your mom, clear your head, and decide what is best for YOU and your baby. NTA" ~ SnooBunnies2181
"My thought was if he hid one kid what else is he possibly hiding? I mean that's a pretty big secret and I have a feeling he has more than one kid out there." ~ genxeratl
"My father was hiding another six kids and that he was still married. Oh, and that he expected to be treated as some kind of royalty by my mum and all his baby mamas."
"Thank goodness my mum sued his a** once she learned what a train-wreck he is."
"I know my sperm donor is an exception to many rules, but sirens starting blaring inside my brain in the first paragraph of OP's post." ~ FormerPineapple9
OP needs to focus on what's best for her baby.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.