It's always humbling when a friend steps in and offers to help you financially.
Be it simply covering you for a cup of coffee, or lending you a sizable loan to make a downpayment on a house, knowing that someone cares about you that much to help you in that way is truly moving.
This makes it imperative to make sure our thankfulness does not go unnoticed, and more importantly, we don't take advantage of their generosity.
Learning her friend was going through an ordeal she could relate to all too well, Redditor South_Marine3167 gifted her a sizable amount of money to help her out.
However, after learning that this same friend mocked her over her very painful ordeal, the original poster (OP) swiftly rescinded the money.
Much to the shock and anger of her friend.
Wondering if she was out of line for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for cancelling a check of $12,000 that I wrote for my infertile friend for her next IVF cycle over a joke?"
The OP first shared how she struggled with a condition which came at a heartbreaking cost to her personal life.
"I (35 F[emale]) am infertile."
"My ex husband and I tried everything to have kids but it just never happened."
"He divorced me, went and married someone younger who was able to give him a kid and from what I gather, they're expecting a 2nd child together."
"It hurts like hell seeing someone else have what I couldn't."
"I get frustrated with myself sometimes and with family blaming me for basically everything."
"I turn to my friends for support, Especially 'Alessia', she's in the same 'infertility boat' as me but she and her husband are currently trying IVF hoping it'd work."
Learning her friend was in the same boat as she had been, the OP willingly offered her money to help her out, until she became aware of a text message regarding her past.
"Alessia asked me for help to pay for her upcoming IVF cycle."
"I agreed to write her a check of $12,000, I really wanted to help her and the money came with no strings attached."
"I wrote the check and gave it to her last week."
"She was very appreciative of it."
"The very next day, I got a sudden message from a mutual friend 'Carol' with a screenshot of the conversation she had with Alessia."
"Turns out she and Alessia were talking about the next IVF cycle, and Alessia said she hoped the cycle would work because 'she didn't wanna end up divorced, and having her husband go marry someone younger and have a baby with them and another one on the way!'"
"'While she's alone and without a family at 35! (She's 32)."
"I was stunned and hurt, I knew she meant me here."
"But I did not confront her I simply contacted my bank and cancelled the check."
"In the evening, Alessia called to ask why I cancelled the check and I told her."
"She went batshit saying she didn't mean it that way and that she thought that this was somewhat an 'inside joke' between 'desperate infertile women'."
"She came over with her husband the next day begging I write another check but I refused."
"An argument ensued and her husband thought I wasn't being supportive of her like when she supported me throughout my struggles."
"She left crying and we haven't talked since then."
"Her husband keeps reminding me, while repeatedly calling Carol a toxic snake, of the date of the next cycle saying they can't have it after I took the money that was supposed to pay for it back!"
"Some friends thinks I'm being oversensitive."
"Carol's on my side telling me to tell them to go to hell but I feel so bad about it."
"what I've done might just damage our 15 years of friendship."
"Maybe I shouldn't have cancelled it but I just felt so offended by what she said about me and how she basically mocked my unfortunate circumstances."
"So reddit, AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not at all the a**hole for canceling the check she wrote to Alessia.
Everyone agreed that after the OP gave her such a significant amount of money, Alessia should never have said such cruel things about her, even behind her back, and the OP was more than justified to void the check.
"Holy sh*t, NTA."
"TWELVE THOUSAND DOLLARS, no strings attached?"
"Yeah I would be kissing your a**, you would be my future kid's God parent, I would wake up grateful for your existence every f*cking day."
"Bashing you to another friend behind your back?"
"Hell f*cking no, I would be out there calling your praises from the rooftops."
"Alessia doesn't deserve your friendship, let alone your money."- ohwhatisthepoin
"NTA."
"SHE damaged 15 years of friendship."
"SHE used you as the butt of an 'inside joke'."
"Despite knowing how hard this was for you."
"SHE hasn't taken any accountability for her wrongdoings and her and her partner are blaming Carol for what SHE said."
"Their behavior afterwards shows no remorse."
"Just bullying of you and Carol."
"Manipulation via guilt tripping."
"Your friends can hand over their cash since they think you're 'over sensitive'."
"You're not."
"Bullies always blame the victim and it seems like you know a lot of them."- Status-Pattern7539
"NTA."
"I am so sorry for all of your heartbreak OP."
"I myself could never have children due to endometriosis, Factor 5 Leiden, and a few other health issues and lost a husband due to this."
"Your friend said cruel things that were not a joke and is angry because she got caught."
"You were being kind and generous and she threw all of that away."
"This is a hill to die on."
"Take care of yourself OP."- Ilsabet
"NTA."
"Why should you show her situation empathy, and give her 12k, after she's shown none to you?"
"What a nasty, hurtful message."
"It's not a 'joke' because it's not funny."
"It's smug and cruel and there isn't another way to take it."
"Alessia and her husband are disgusting, entitled AHs who can pay for themselves."
"They're the toxic snakes that you need to cut out of your life."
"Don't let them manipulate you."- Sel-Reddit
"NTA."
"The hurtful 'inside joke' aside, and to how many others she shares that 'joke' to, you'll never know, it's the husband's sense of entitlement that's off-putting."
"And to even devolve into an argument yikes."
"People arguing that someone should grant them a favor are quite a subset."- peregrine_throw
"NTA."
"It was a cruel thing to do of her."
"Especially after you are being so gracious towards them."
"Btw, just a reminder, your worth is not connected to your ability to bear children."
"Anyone telling you any different is just wrong."
"You decide what your contribution is to this world, what your legacy is, and from what I hear, OP has the biggest kindest giving heart while still having strong moral values."
"That makes her worth A LOT in my book."
"Anyone who doesn't see that is just blind and oblivious."- Tigarana
"NTA."
"An inside joke is inside because it's between the people who started it."
"She made you the butt of a joke and was cruel."
"This may not just damage your friendship, it may end it."
"But do you really need friends like that?"- breathemusic14
The OP later returned to thank everyone who took the time to comment, while also giving an update as to where things stood between Alessia and herself.
"Wow thank you so so much for all this support and compassion that you've shown me."
"I could feel it through my screen."
"I have decided I'm going to put some distance between me and Alessia."
"Things have been rough lately and I think that distance is what I need right now especially for my mental health."
"After reading some comments here I now feel less heavy and more relieved."
"Doesn't change the fact that I'm still feel completely and utterly shocked by Alessia's behavior."
"It's a shame having to come to the realization that even those who are supportive of you the most, could cause as much harm."
"Oh and by the way, I sent Carol a link for this thread to see what her thoughts were and she just laughed."
"She was kind of angry I used her real name but relieved that I used a throwaway LOL."
It's always a risk to talk behind people's backs, as there is no guarantee that it won't eventually find its way to that person's ears.
Something Alessia will hopefully never forget for the rest of her life.
But something she should have considered the minute the OP handed her a check for $12,000.
An amount that seems paltry in comparison to losing a close friend, and living a potentially childless life.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.