Sometimes weddings are more stressful than fun.
Not every guest is looking forward to cathcing the bouquet.
A big issue can also be the guest lilst.
There are certain guests that don't mingle well.
This can lead to more tension than joy.
Redditor Zealousideal_Zone847 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the"Am I The A**hole"(AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for declining a wedding invitation?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My husband and I had a very difficult beginning of our relationship as his ex got between us several times."
"We had a lot of fights, even though my husband was not at fault, because this girl messed with me a lot and she made me miserable every chance she got."
"We worked through our problems, but obviously kept our distance from this woman, in order to keep our peace."
"Now, my "B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw] has his wedding in September, and we told him and his bride that if this girl is invited, we will not attend, in order to protect our peace."
"They have the right to invite whoever they want, and I think we also have the right to not attend."
"They are already legally married, the party where we attended was already done."
"They only have the religious ceremony and the wedding reception."
"They are fully aware of what this woman did to us, and yet they chose to invite her."
"As I said, it’s their right to do so, and our right to politely decline and send them a gift."
"Now my husband and I also have a baby, and we really don’t want to feel uncomfortable or to disrupt our peace or mental health, nor to be away from our baby and pay a nanny to be somewhere where we don’t feel good, as now it’s also our baby in the mix and we don’t need any drama. "
"My husband also says that we are his family now and he doesn’t want to be in a place, even if it’s his brother’s wedding, where we are only invited to check a list in the eyes of the relatives, or for the gift and not respected enough."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, would we be the a**holes? Or we would do nothing wrong?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Her
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"NTA. You are being fair in acknowledging it’s their right to invite her while being honest about your right to not attend because of her presence." ~ Few_Tale_914
"Agreed, this is how boundaries are supposed to work."
"No ultimatums, no 'uninvite her or else', just 'if she's there, we won't be.'"
"Both sides made their choice, to be honest."
The part people will miss, the couple KNEW what this woman did and invited her anyway."
"That's also their answer about whose comfort they prioritize, and OP is allowed to read it exactly that way."
"NTA. Send the gift, enjoy a quiet evening with the baby, skip the drama."
"The legally married already detail makes this even easier, you didn't miss 'the' wedding, you missed party number two." ~ Klaudiusz_Zysk
"NTA, it’s an invitation, not a summons."
"Is this your husband’s brother who is prioritizing his ex over his own brother?"
"Do they have children together or something that are wanted at the wedding, which might explain why she was invited?"
"Very odd." ~ MuffinWalloper
"You’ve already decided."
"There's no conflict here."
"It’s not even their wedding, which you went to, just a wedding-themed party. NTA." ~ Only-Breadfruit-6108
"Regardless of who else is invited and your history with them, a wedding invitation is just that---an invitation."
"It is not a summons, and you are not required to ever go to anybody's wedding." ~ SkippyBluestockings
"NTA but your BIL may be! You have every right to not attend, knowing that a person who created so much angst for you in the past will be in attendance."
"It is really nice to see that you and your husband are holding your own relationship in the highest regard!" ~ Glitter_Girl100
"NTA. I'd suggest your husband pick up the phone and talk to his brother about it."
"Part of that being that there would be a lot of negative emotions being dragged up by seeing her, and you don't trust that she would not make something happen which you/he wouldn't want to happen at the wedding, and so you think it's best not to go to ensure they can have an unspoiled day about them." ~ AlGunner
"NTA… invitations ain't subpoenas; you can just RSVP no and keep it moving. Kinda weird the brother is so set on having her there, though; that’s a red flag." ~ Secure-Impression376
"NTA. You have every right to not attend."
"My only question: why, knowing what she did, would they choose to invite her?"
"Do they know the backstory of her interference and campaign of harassment?"
"If they don’t, tell them."
"If they still choose her, well I’d say they just don’t care about you and your partner very much."
"If that’s the case, they really don’t deserve to be in your lives."
"Just don’t go, why subject yourself to that." ~ Shadow4summer
"Wow. In that case, I have to ask, did you two do something so heinous that they would turn against you like this?"
"It’s the only reason I can think of why family would do this. If not, I’d probably steer clear of the lot of them."
"They do not deserve having either of you in their lives."
"So sorry for the situation." ~ Shadow4summer
"NTA for choosing your peace, stay home and love your baby, instead of going to an overrated party where you will be stressed the whole time." ~ SeasonReasonable4282
"NTA of course you don’t have to go, it’s just an invitation."
"As long as your husband is willing to forgo a better relationship with his brother, don’t go."
"But I’m curious too, as are others, why his ex was invited." ~ Jerseygirl2468
"NTA. You are not obligated to attend."
"If you HAD to go, it wouldn't be an invitation."
"You can say no to anything and you don't need a reason."
"Saying I don't want to go is valid." ~ QuantumPotato49
"NTA. If they're aware of how this woman has affected your relationship with your husband, and how she treated you, then they are ACTIVELY choosing her over you and your husband."
"Especially when you told them from the beginning that you wouldn't attend if she'd be there."
"But families can be weird, especially around weddings, and there's most likely going to be some blowback for you declining, so it's in the best interests of you and your husband both to make it clear when happens that you are not a doormat, and should not be expected attend events or go to places where you and your feelings are not respected."
"Make sure you're both prepared for that." ~ MojitoBlue
"NTA. You told them your boundary, and they invited her anyway."
"Sounds like they don't want you there."
"Sounds like she's more important to them than you and your husband."
"Stay home."
"You'd be an a**hole (to yourself) if you DID go." ~ madpeachiepie
"NTA. Don't go and do not send a gift."
"They are already married, and I am assuming living together as a married couple, you have already celebrated them, and it seems like the bride's friendship is more important than the groom's and bride's relationships with you and your husband."
"Your husband should have a conversation with his brother." ~ General-Toe-8686
"NTA. Weddings aren’t mandatory."
"They’re already legally married + you went to that party."
"If they knew what she did and still invited her, that’s their choice."
"Your choice is mental health + baby."
"You owe them love, not your presence." ~ Sharp_Lettuce4356
"NTA. If the bride would rather this 'friend' come to the wedding than her new family members and if his brother doesn't pitch a fit about her preferring to invite his brother's ex, then that's their choice."
"I say be glad for the clarification and return that energy."
"While they have a right to invite who they like, you both have the right to decline." ~ moew4974
"NTA. Protect your peace."
"In my opinion, your brother-in-law should be prioritizing his family in this situation."
"You shouldn't feel obligated to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation just to keep the peace for everyone else."
"Your well-being and your family's comfort come first." ~ beesidea
"NTA. Too bad your BIL's wife/bride has such trashy taste in friends."
"They've already had one wedding and a reception."
"I wouldn't even worry about not going to this one. No need to send another gift either." ~ Familiar_Shock_1542
"NTA. And please dont go overboard with a gift if you feel you must get them something. They're already married. This is just another party and excuse to dress up. If the attendance of the friend is more important than family, then you have no reason to feel guilty." ~ Fuzzy_Truck_5415
"NTA and you do not have to attend."
"But I would!"
"I would walk in with my husband and child and let her see you won and how happy you are!"
"HIs ex only befriended her to get to him. "
"But it didn't work!" ~ catladyclub
OP came back to chat...
"As Reddit won’t let me comment, and a lot of info is asked about the ex, I want to clarify."
"She is just an ex who became friends with the bride through my husband."
"The ex and my husband dated for only 1 year, there were no kids, no divorce, just dating."
"And she is not close to the family, only with the bride."
Reddit is with you, OP.
It's sad that they're putting you in this position.
It is their wedding, they get to invite whomever they want.
You also have free will to decline.
Good Luck.
