Food allergies can be a heavy life struggle.
Always having to be super sure of ingredients and no cross-contamination at every meal can be cumbersome.
But for many, it is a life necessity.
However, when attending life events, the host aren't always helpful in keeping people alive through the menu.
Redditor MilkIsSat*nsC*m wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"WIBTA to ask for dietary accommodations at my friend's wedding?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I have two very severe dietary restrictions (Gluten and Tree Nuts)."
"Gluten is severe intolerance/possible celiacs and Tree Nuts are an allergy that could kill me."
"My husband is also celiac (confirmed)."
"I am in a wedding for my friend from childhood as a bridesmaid."
"We have been friends for nearly 20 years."
"I have had these food intolerances for about 10 years."
"I'm not the M[aid] O[f] H[onor], but I have planned the whole bachelorette party and provided a lot of support for planning her wedding."
"She asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding the day before my wedding, and demanded I accommodate her allergy to mangos at my wedding, despite multiple assurances we had nothing planned with mangoes."
"Since asking me to be a bridesmaid, I have been to a number of events hosted by her or her family (birthdays, bridal shower, etc.)."
"At these events, they pre-order food, and my husband and I cannot eat anything provided (not even the salad)."
"I have left multiple events hungry recently, despite bringing up in a polite way my dietary restrictions for these events."
"For her rehearsal, I have learned that they have pre-ordered BBQ, which is impossible to verify safety on and is almost always unsafe anyway (flour in the sauce to thicken it, the sides have flour, lots of cross-contamination)."
"For getting ready, I have asked what her plan is for food, and she has said bagels, with no other plans."
"For the reception, I asked what the gluten-free options were, and she said, 'There are some gluten-free appetizers, and I may get charcuterie added on.'"
"To me, this feels like there will be no events where I can eat, despite all of the work and money I am putting in to make her wedding special."
"I do acknowledge accommodating dietary restrictions is annoying; I hate that this is something I have to deal with."
"But gluten-free can be pretty easy to accommodate, it's just protein and vegetables."
"And I'll eat anything, as long as I am not allergic to it."
"Additionally, her Maid of Honor is allergic to peaches, and she made sure that the sangria at the event would not have peaches in it."
"So she is capable of accommodation, but seems distinctly uninterested in accommodating my husband and me."
"At this point, I have so much food anxiety about her wedding, I want to ask her point-blank, 'What are we doing to make sure I can eat at your wedding events?'"
"But I am worried I will be TA."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So Reddit, would I be TA if I asked what the food options are? And perhaps push to have her accommodate me if there is no plan to have gluten free food?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Point blank ask her if she has made arrangements or if you and your husband need to bring your food for the day."
"A bridesmaid pulling out Tupperware at dinner is what it is." ~ Inconceivable76
"I’d just bring my own food, and honestly, probably stop speaking to her after the wedding."
"The friendship is clearly not meaningful to her." ~ itsveryupsetting
"She’s purposely doing this."
"She is openly accommodating someone else’s food allergy."
"She is telling you that you, your comfort, and your safety are not important to her. It’s not something she forgot or something."
"She doesn’t want to expend the money or time to make sure you can safely eat something."
"If you aren’t going to drop out of the wedding of someone who doesn’t like you and has been using you for whatever reason, at least just leave immediately after the ceremony and go EAT!"
"She probably didn’t even put you and your husband in the final meal count, figuring she’d save money not feeding you or your husband." ~ Kooky-Pressure5792
"I have celiac, and my son has life-threatening allergies to milk and soy."
"I never ask for 'safe' food because in such a busy environment, honest mistakes happen all the time, and it's my/my son's health and safety on the line."
"All I ask is permission to bring my own (and in this case, I would bring a cooler)."
"I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I don't trust food that has been prepared by anyone who isn't thoroughly educated in life-threatening allergies and cross-contamination."
"It's just too much to ask from people." ~ Elesia
"Yes, this seems very inconsiderate, but it's also not a situation in which I'd risk it."
"Peaches are generally pretty easy to avoid, while gluten and tree-nuts can be a lot more difficult since, as noted, they can be in everything. I worked in catering... even if they mean well, mistakes happen, crumbs get where they shouldn't, a spoon gets used to stir something it shouldn't have, etc." ~ onebirdtwobird
"NTA. As a fellow celiac sufferer, you have to advocate for yourself."
"I have a teen daughter with the same disorder, and we're trying to teach her the same thing."
"It's not rude, it's not needy."
"It is entirely reasonable to say, 'Hey, can we please ensure that there are options everyone can eat and enjoy?'"
"You're not wrong to push back on the BBQ (BBQ sauce almost always has wheat or barley in it), and bagels?"
"Your friend is being really inconsiderate."
"And if you get pushback after asking more directly, it's time to think about just leaving early."
"You don't owe your friend going hungry for hours while you organize her wedding events."
"I guess you could just pack yourself a lunch in a cooler or something."
"If she's embarrassed by that, it's on her." ~ Ippus_21
"I think worrying about the reception food is fair, but I think you're being a bit too worried about the getting-ready food."
"I see that you made your own post 5 months ago, wondering what you should eat before your own wedding."
"If it was difficult for you to figure out for yourself, it seems a bit unfair to have that expectation for your friend, who has a ton of other things to worry about that day." ~ lihzee
"NTA, but bring your own food. If the venue doesn’t allow it, eat before or after."
"For getting ready in the morning, order your own breakfast from DoorDash."
"You cannot depend on her to feed you, so feed yourself and don’t feel ashamed."
"If anyone asks, simply tell the truth: there is no food for you here." ~ appydawg
"NTA. Have a frank conversation with her."
"If she refuses to accommodate you in a meaningful way, let her know that you will no longer be able to participate in wedding-related events and will have to drop out as a bridesmaid in order to preserve your health." ~ SentimentalONTA.
"If she threw a fit about mangos THE DAY BEFORE your wedding when you had everything set, she understands allergies."
"She doesn’t care."
"You are no better than an unpaid wedding planner to her."
"You can ask her point-blank, or you can do what she did and make it an expectation of your attendance."
"Just don’t expect this 'friendship' to last either way."
"She’s a selfish leech." ~ purplepeopletreater
"Unfortunately, if I were you, I would be prepared with my own food."
"You and your husband could make sure you purchase or bring dinner to eat at the same time as everyone else."
"Anyone annoyed (the bride, etc.) by this would BTA."
"You could also ask if you can reach out to the caterer or venue to try and see if they can do two dinners with ur allergy restrictions."
"She’d definitely BTA if she refuses this."
"However, there could be an additional charge, but probably be minimal." ~ Mean_Web_3351
"NTA for asking, but do you really trust someone who obviously does not care about your allergies to have food for you."
"Once could be an oopsie, but multiple times?"
"She doesn't care, and honestly, I wouldn't trust any of the food."
"It super sucks, but you might have to bring your own food."
"My best friend has Celiac, and I made sure to have options for her every time because I care."
"Gluten messes her up for days."
"It is not something to be messed with." ~ Onetuffkitten13
"NTA, especially since you accommodated her allergies."
"But... if my allergy were life-threatening, I would hesitate to trust anyone else to prepare my food."
"I think I would bring my own, and just explain to anyone who asked that you have allergies and you need to be sure to have safe food you can eat, especially since you were told that your food needs cannot be met."
"That may end the friendship with the bride, but it would be better than ending your life."
"And you may need to reevaluate and decide for yourself if you really still want to be friends with her anyway." ~ ParadeQueen
"NTA. I added a gluten-free vegetarian option to my wedding with panna cotta instead of cake."
"It was for a friend's girlfriend."
"Happy to do it so everyone would be able to have a good time."
"Surprisingly, about 12% of our guests ended up choosing that."
"More people have food intolerances than they openly talk about." ~ Kippenkat
Reddit understands your concern, OP.
This is a serious situation.
You may have to just deal with your food on your own.
Your "friend" is being very callous.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.