Not everyone agrees on how to raise a child.
As much as we try to be open-minded when we observe some parents raising their children in a manner completely the opposite of how we would raise our own, we often can't help but sneer or at least raise an eyebrow.
In some cases, it's difficult for us not to tell them to their face how much we vehemently disagree with their parenting decisions.
Particularly when they're family.
A recent Redditor grew up with bilingual parents and a bilingual sister, even though English was her only language.
It didn't come as much of a surprise to the original poster (OP) that her sister would raise her children speaking one of the two languages in which she was fluent.
It was which of the two languages her sister chose to teach her daughter that took the OP by surprise.
A decision that the OP couldn't help but tell her sister was "crazy."
Worried she may have gone too far, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my sister that she is insane for not teaching her daughter English?"
The OP explained why she felt the need to call out a parenting decision of her sister's:
"My (20 F[emale]) family is originally from Sweden."
"My sister Kristin (30 F) was born in Sweden and was raised speaking Swedish and English."
"She and my parents came to the US when she was 10, and I was born not long afterward."
"I was raised only speaking English."
"My parents did not bother having me learn Swedish because it isn't a widely-spoken language where we live, and in fact when I was little, they had a rule that Kristin could only talk to me in English."
"They did this because they didn't want to hinder me being able to communicate with my peers."
"I've visited Sweden maybe twice when I was really little and don't have any recollections."
"Kristin, however, has a lot of fond memories from her childhood."
"Since she's moved out, she has regularly visited Sweden."
"She has been married to her husband, Erik (30 M[ale]) for about three years."
"Erik is also from Sweden and came to the US in his early 20s."
"Erik was also raised speaking Swedish and English, but is more comfortable talking in Swedish."
"They have a daughter, Elsa, who 18 months old and learning to talk."
"When they came over for Christmas dinner, I tried to talk to Elsa, but Kristin told me that I can only talk to Elsa in Swedish, but not English."
"I thought she was raising Elsa speaking both Swedish and English, but she told me that they are not going to bother teaching her English. I asked why, and Kristin told me that they want Elsa to be connected to her heritage and also because they plan on eventually moving back to Sweden."
"I asked if she had an idea as to when they will move, and she said it could be one year or ten years."
"I told Kristin that she is doing Elsa a big disservice by not teaching her English."
"She told me it won't be an issue as 'She'll learn it when she goes to kindergarten!'"
"I said that I can understand wanting Elsa to know Swedish, and if they had any immediate plans to move back to Sweden, then I could understand prioritizing Swedish over English."
"But since they don't have any immediate plans to move back there, she should learn both languages now so she can communicate with her English-speaking relatives in the US, as well as her peers and her teachers when she goes to school."
"I said that not teaching Elsa any English at all is insane."
"Kristin got mad at me and told me I am being xenophobic."
"I told her this would not be an issue if Elsa speaks English too, but because almost nobody around here speaks Swedish, she's hindering her daughter."
"She said that it's possible that by the time Elsa is ready to start school, they might have moved back to Sweden."
"My parents are mostly on my side but say that they understand why she's doing this, and I was being harsh by saying that she was 'insane' for not teaching her English and should be more understanding."
"I feel it is equally harsh for her to say I'm xenophobic."
"I think it's great to be multilingual, but one needs to be able to communicate with the majority of the people where they live."
"But now I'm starting to feel like maybe I was too harsh."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community firmly stood behind the OP and agreed that she was not the a**hole for calling out Kristin's decision not to teach Elsa English.
Everyone agreed that while the OP didn't have to tell Kristin it was "insane" for her not to teach Elsa English, she was right in pointing out that she was, nonetheless, doing her a disservice. However, many were also confused as to why the OP wasn't taught Swedish by her parents growing up.
"NTA."
"They live in the US, but they might move back to Sweden, so they're not teaching their daughter English."
"That's actually pretty dangerous."
"For example, what happens if Elsa gets lost and she can't understand when people ask her where her parents are, nor could she tell anyone who they are?"
"Every little kid gets lost at some point, so this is not an unlikely scenario."
"In an emergency, how would, say, 3-year-old Elsa be able to tell anyone?"
"I also have a good friend from Sweden (and she speaks eight languages)."
"According to her, English is a required subject in school in Sweden."
"So Elsa would actually be behind other kids who may have been speaking and/or understanding English their whole lives."- Rredhead926
"NTA but your parents are."
"They banned a child from speaking her mother tongue in her own home so that their little princess had the best development."
"A development that came at the cost of your sister."- Awkward_Un1corn
"Let's not overlook the fact that Kristin KNOW OP doesn't know the Swedish language and is still insisting on it."
"So... she wants her kid to 'be in touch with her heritage' but not able to communicate with family already near by?"
"Called OP xenophobic, but sounds like she may not like OP much really."
"NTA."- Niodia
"NTA."
"But the biggest issue here is that you were not taught Swedish."
"You are not even a 2nd or 3rd generation of US born."
"You are the only one born in the US from your family."
"Your parents should've taught you Swedish even if you never used it before."
"It's not about 'not being a widely spoken language' it's who you are."
"That being said, Kristin took it at whole different level."
"She should teach her kid English along with Swedish."
"Elsa's 1st language should be English but she should also know Swedish."
"When and IF they move back to Sweden, they can fast track Swedish but also keep English in her languages."- CupcakeMurder86
"NTA."
"But I do think your own parents where stupid and should have taught you Swedish when you where young."
"It would only help you."
"The same with your sister she should teach the kid as many languages as possible when they are small."- JowDow42
"NTA."
"You spoke your piece arguing with her isn't going to change things."
"She's going to double down because she resents how your parents did her when it came to Swedish when she was growing up, and now she's going to 'right the wrong' by doing the reverse to her daughter."- Alternative_End_7174
"NTA."
"As someone who only learned English in Kindergarten after moving to the US...it SUCKS!"
"It wasn't on purpose that I didn't know English when we moved, but no one understands you, and you don't understand anyone."
"Hope your sister comes around."- kw92
"Hi, ESL teacher here."
"NTA."
"Your sister is technically correct- her daughter will most likely learn English pretty quickly when she goes to public school."
"And I suspect she'll start picking it up sooner since I doubt that she's getting Bluey dubbed in Swedish as opposed to the regular version. Your niece will probably start picking up some English sooner than that."
"But speaking both languages to children as they first develop language skills is how you get effortlessly bilingual people."
"It means having both languages as 'native' languages."
"It means being able to think effortlessly in either language and not having to translate before you speak in one or the other."
"A lot of people who learned a second language in kindergarten do achieve that level of fluency, don't get me wrong, but the younger the better is basically how it works."
"There's also that if your niece's school is like the one where I work, she will be classified as an ESL student."
"Which could mean any number of things, but the four big takeaways I would say are these:"
"1) she'll most likely have a period or two of ESL classes every day, which while great for learning English, might mean she misses out on some of the general ed lessons and activities."
"2) In the time it takes her to pick up English, she's going to be at a deficit picking up those same gen ed lessons, which has a possibility of snowballing even once she's fluent- she missed out on learning skill X which gives her trouble learning Y and Z."
"3) In my district, literally the only way to exit from our ESL program is to pass a test."
"I have seen so many kids who are fluent and intelligent keep having to be in the ESL program either because they learn in such a way that doesn't translate into good test-taking skills or they get what I call the Lackawana flu and just do the bare minimum despite me almost begging them to take the test seriously."
"It's not at all crippling to their education, but it is often a pain in the ass for them."
"4) Unless there's a large Swedish-speaking population where she goes to school, her school is not going to have any bilingual resources for her."
"As much as ESL is my calling, and as much as I believe in what I do, in this situation, I think that the negatives strongly outweigh the positives for your niece."
"Learning English at home growing up is going to give your niece more advantages than having us teach it to her."
*Yes, I know that's kind of sh*tty, but there are state and federal mandates plus a Dept. of Justice lawsuit involved, there really isn't anything we can do about it."- Big_Falcon89
No doubt, Elsa will definitely benefit from being able to speak Swedish when she is older.
However, she will not benefit from starting kindergarten in the United States and being unable to communicate. with her. class.
Something one can only hope Kristin might soon realize, leading her to hopefully broaden Elsa's vocabulary.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp